Caught in a toxic masculinity home

This happened when I was around 10. My family is full of toxic masculinity it drove my older brother into drinking and drugs. I was home alone and wanted to play dress up in my sisters clothes dress, tights, panties and shoes etc. When I was all dressed up I heard my dads voice he was yelling with a red face ? BOY WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU HAVE ON!!!! IS THAT YOUR SISTERS CLOTHES TAKE THEM OFF NOW!!!? Next thing I knew my dad took off his leather belt and hit me across the back of my legs. I started crying he hit me again ? I'm going to keep whipping you until you take it all off!! You haven?t even started few more whack across the back, butt, and legs. Suck it up you damn sissy!!!? He kept hitting me threw the pain and tears I tried to undress but I was hurting I finally got the dress off. ? ARE YOU WEARING PANTIES YOU LITTLE FAGGOT!!!!!? Then came more licks 4 in a row I couldn?t unbuckle the shoes cause of me being in pain and crying. I finally got them and took off the panties and tights in one swap. I was standing there naked with belt whelps forming on my back and legs. He looked at me and said ? Next time you will get it worse no kid of ours will grow up to be a sissy F@&&*t? He gathered up the clothes and left I heard my mom say you catch him. He said yes and I beat it out of him. Mom said good.

Skip ahead a few years we moved to a different house my brother and me got the basement. my brother eventually married and moved so I had the basement to myself and got a new younger brother. I was in my 20s I just beat cancer my dad came into my room he said ?Hey I got to talk to you about something.? I said ok wh. My dad grabbed me by my thought slammed me against the door. I was pinned and had my eyes closed. I heard ? I warned you years ago now the next time I hear any queer talk or you dress up as a woman 1 more time I don?t care if its Halloween I will put you threw your closet and when I let you out you better have a place to stay it wont be in my house. Now boy you better look at me and acknowledge what I said.? When I opened my eyes and looked at him he quickly let got and backed out not taking his eyes off of me and I didn?t take mine off him he never bothered me again. (I have been told over the years by friends, Ex girlfriends etc that I have a look that I get and its a scary look. I asked what the look and all I get is I will never tell and never want to see that again. I had a High school teacher I looked at that way he stayed away from me the rest of the year.) I found out the reason for the attack my 10 year old brother was playing a video game and chose the girl charter and not the boy.

Inter generational Violence and a pattern of abuse curse many families. That look you speak of is part of the violence inflicted on you. Thank goodness that you have left it behind

Amen, Kim.

Brandie, there's a toxic parent in my family as well. In my case, spending time in front of a computer results in gratuitous drama. That makes it impossible to find and retain engineering employment.

While I am not a physician, it seems to me you may have issues with a mood disorder (anger, anxiety, depression, maybe PTSD). You may find some benefit in seeing a licensed mental health professional. Your primary care physician can give you a referral. S/he may prescribe an antidepressant or some other medication if s/he sees fit to do so; this a trial and error process, as not all antidepressants work for everyone; approximately two months on a given medication is required to determine if it works or not.

The first counsellor you see may not be the right one for you. If that happens, it's time for another referral.

Recovery from this sort of thing can be a long and arduous process; this generally isn't something you can deal with on your own.

He should have been arrested and you should have gotten out ASAP.

I learned very early, when as a toddler my mom would dress me up in my elder sister's clothes once my sister was at school and my dad was at work, so no one else would know what she was doing (much later she would claim that it was only to save me from ruining my 'good boy clothes').
But one day my dad came home early, catching me all dressed up as a girl, and he really blew his top, yelling at my mother to never do that again. She changed me back to boy clothes right away, but a few days later went right back to dressing me up in girl clothes. She was just more careful not to get caught doing it.
It wasn't until years later that I figured out that she had really just wanted another daughter, not a son. She had no brothers, and she was the eldest daughter, so she had no idea of how to raise a son.... so she just pretended that I was a daughter.
Dad never knew I crossdressed. But I was quite aware that doing so would be completely unacceptable.
Much later, when I told my mother about being sexually abused by the boy down the block, and that I became a crossdresser due to what happened back then, she was horrified at what happened. Years later, when I picked up a Lane Bryant catalog of hers to look through it, she admonished me, 'Are you still doing that?' with a look and sure sign of disgust in her voice. So I knew she didn't like it, either and never mentioned it or let it slip that I still liked to dress up as a girl, ever again.

We have to remember just how different society was even just one generation ago.

My parents lived in a time were being Gay could get up imprisoned. The representation of Gay men really only showed comedy stereotypes. Even during my formative years much of society still clung to the same.

Thankfully in the later years of my life attitudes had begun to change thanks to groups such as Stonewall. For my children things are different. That stigma while not entirely lost is far less prevalent than it was in my youth.

Our community sadly still does lag slightly behind and we're not helped by the "They're not real women, they haven't got a cervix" anti-trans rhetoric we find spewing forth from some politicians. We get tarred with the same brush.

I've taken to using a glacier as a metaphor, they move slowly but will eventually grind the world to their shape. And so I believe that's what will happen for our community and in time CD's writing sad tales such as those above will be less and less.

Back then, anybody who Cross-dressed was labeled "GAY". In many situations they still are--especially BY the "un/under-educated" macho type MEN who already secretly fear they don't quite "measure up" "manhood-wise". They don't differentiate between CD, Gay or Transsexual---most do not know the difference anyway. to them, its ALL "GAY". and to their definition, a "gay" is "a guy who thinks he is or wants to be a woman, and, oh yeah, they want to have sex with other men too". That is my experience with these types of people. That is why I keep my CD secret, to avoid trouble with such folks. I can understand how a boy child raised by such a Father could have issues. especially if caught cross-dressing, on his own or by someone else. " AHHHHGH! my son is GAY!" or "You'll turn my son GAY!", nonsense is quite prevalent.

That sexuality in a growing boy is a "delicate thing" and you can change his sexuality simply with the "wrong clothing"--- or "protect" or fix it by activity in some sport involving a ball, is yet another mythology we still see today. A kid could and can still have "issues" today, even if he did NOT cross dress. While my own father was not nearly as bad as the above, I still never wanted to take any chances and kept my CD tendencies away from BOTH of my parents. Fortunately my Scientific interests were considered "macho enough" for my parents, and they were not too upset over my lack of athletic abilities. And I also was smart enough to reference some good Psychology books on my own and know the truth about my CDing, even at an earlier age than most, so I didn't get hung up in all the "gay confusion" and fears most young CDs have.

This is, simply, physical and mental abuse. No matter when it happened, it is the same. Nothing explains it away. It is not due to anything you did or have ever done. Kudos to you for getting beyond that.

I am so sorry this happened to you. It must have been a very difficult environment. The fear must have been paralyzing sometimes. Toxic masculinity which seems to be rather common these days is perhaps one social ill that is dangerous. It often creates an abusive person devoid of empathy and always seemingly angry at someone or something. And it is not just men - some women are just as toxic, but it is less common there.

I agree with Kim that the look you developed was a result of the abuse you received. A defensive action. And I agree with Crissy that he should have been reported and charged with child abuse and dealt with accordingly. In the past, distant past, a lot of men were that way and I hate to think about how much damage they did to their kids who are now in their 60's and 70's. Trauma never goes away. Its effects may decline with time, but those memories can be reactivated by similar situations. I suspect you are a much kinder and gentler person now as a result of having that large feminine self. My biological father was that way, but my contact with him was limited. I didn't like him and my half siblings didn't either, except for one that adored him. But she can't stay married for long and has been married 5 times because she was really messed up by him. You are a fortunate survivor and that is big deal. Stand proud of who you are.

My wife that has a masters degree on mental health field asks me if I am gay because of my dressing and my true demeaner.

I keep telling her I am a lesbian. So, it is not really generational. I think it is how close you are to the person perhaps.

OP, I am of the generation where my Dad beat us with belts also. He had a special one 2 belts tied together with a knot. If you were really bad, you got the knot end.

I never got caught dressing as a kid, so not beating for that.

I've been on the receiving end of a lot of parental abuse, mostly from my mother. My picture of abusers is that they are weak, helpless people who have never accomplished a single worthwhile thing in their lives. They love violence because it makes them feel powerful, but they are too weak and helpless to exercise violence against anyone who can fight back, so they beat up their kids.

Perhaps it's just me. Both of my parents loved being angry because it was the only time they felt in control of anything.

You survived. The violence wasn't your fault. It wasn't caused by anything you did. Your actions were just an excuse for your father to have fun at your expense. You're free. Live your life and be happy.

Brandie, I am sorry to hear of that level of physical and mental abuse. I think your post should be required reading for any women who get irritated or worse when they find out their husband is a cross dresser. It may answer some questions as to secrecy. I am a child of the 1960's. My mother was physically abusive. I actually believed she beat me because I was not a girl; my older brother was first born. I did hear my father and mother make vulgar comments about gays even before the cross dressing bug bit me. There was no enlightenment in the 1960's. My parents tried to catch me in the fact, but never succeeded. At the time they tried to catch me I was too old to beat, so I probably would have been kicked out of the home.

If the treatment you experienced happened now, any teacher who is a mandated reporter, would turn your father in for child abuse.

Thank you all for the kind words. I grew up in the 80's my whole family believed in masculinity. I was sick allot so I was the weak one cause I was sick allot even when I battled and beat cancer. There was no one there for me they did not care because it proved to every one I was the weakling. The look I dunno what it is but when I get it I have backed down teachers, bosses, Bully's etc. When I get it and friends arould they jump in and calm the situation. when i asked about it they will say Im not saying what it is but I never want to see it again.

Tough to read all this.
"Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent." Asimov was a smart guy.
I grieve for those of you that had to pay for our mutual obsession in this way.

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Originally Posted by Brandie.n

… I was sick allot so I was the weak one cause I was sick allot even when I battled and beat cancer. There was no one there for me they did not care because it proved to every one I was the weakling. ….

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Yeah, Brandie. You're not the weak one. You beat cancer. You survived terrible abuse. You put the scare into people who needed scaring. Sounds pretty strong to me.