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I am fully closeted, and my SO does not know. Business trips have been my friend, and COVID has been my enemy. I find myself not as reluctant to post in places like this and have even posted face pics on other sites. Sometimes I think I want to get caught and have the chips fall where they may. Am I looking for a solution that my normal life can?t envision?
Jamie I totally understand how you feel. I'm in a DADT marriage where we pretty much avoid talking about certain subjects. The last "discussion" we had my wife made the comments to that one reason I stay married to her is so she'll keep my "secret". I told her that if that's how she felt she could go ahead and tell everybody. Satisfying my need for Claire time and keeping it hidden from the rest of my life is both time consuming and tiring. I have thought numerous time how if I got pulled over or in an accident while dressed they would out me in the news. I can think of 20 ways I could accidentally get outed but just don't have the courage to out myself. Too many potential random outcomes .... most of them do not appear good.
It is a pretty far stretch to think you can out yourself on web sites unless there is a way to tie your male self with your female self.
One way to do that is friending your female self on F@kebo*k and your SO wonders who that new friend is.
No reason your SO would be surfing a cross dressing site. That would be like us surfing a hello kitty site and don't have kids.
I too think about letting the chips fall where they may, but for me, it would be selfish to make my SO conform to my desires.
I think if you start leaving things out, start getting careless with your feminine things, you maybe forcing a solution to going full time.
I struggle with the same things, mostly worry about people who know my vehicle, seeing a lady driving it, wondering who is that driving his car?!?!
Catching me on the internet search for lipstick, with the picture on the wall you know is in your dining room and putting 2 and 2 together is a tough find if you don't know my femme name.
In the end, we both are going to spill the beans or be found out, our SO's are not dumb. They might already know more than you think and they are letting it ride as not to open that proverbial can of worms....
The chips rarely fall on your side of the table in cases like this. And if you do have a lot of chips then her lawyer will make sure you do not get to keep them. Being chipless, Wearing a pretty dress is not a pretty sight.
Accidents generally do not have positive results. If you want to come out to your SO or anyone else, do so, but thoroughly consider your motivations, the pros and cons, and most of all what you are willing to lose and can afford to lose in the event of negative responses from your SO and others.
Ah yes well the ? I think I WANT to get caught syndrome ? can be a lot worse and I have gone through some risky behavior phases because of it. It is partially a feeling of I do not care anymore vs wanting to be caught. Although my wife knows I like to shave my legs and wear pantyhose with short shorts, it NEVER goes well if she sees me that way so I have to keep it to myself. The trouble is that I can get in those phases where I put something on and leave the house before she wakes up in the morning. Kind of risky coming back home, right? I wonder if I am trying to get caught sometimes. But I have not had the desire to do that in a few months so life is better when I do not poke the bear. I just tell myself- don?t be stupid Sandi, when I get some bright idea that will land me in hot water.
Anyhow I totally get the thinking that maybe I really want to get caught on a subconscious level, but my reality is that it does not go well and needs to be avoided.
Sandi
Deleted by Teresa.
My wife knows and is fine with my dressing. She just does not want to participate; which is fine. As for purposely outing oneself to the public I fall back on the old tired but true saying; "act in haste, repent in leisure"
"What's done in the dark, will always come to light"
In my personal opinion you are far more likely to get a somewhat favorable response by having an open and HONEST conversation. Getting caught will HARM more than help..... "Do I really know him", "WHY is he doing this", "What ELSE is he doing" "Is are marriage a lie"??, "WHO else knows", "Is he gay" etc. etc.
I firmly believe my wife's complete acceptance is because I was completely honest with in the first couple weeks of dating. She had a chance to RUN and was told this is not going way. Has it all been *sunshine and roses* ..... NO.......was it as fast as I wanted or thought I needed....NO...... It has taken 17 years (16 years of marriage 6/18) to get this far, but she has had a VOICE, an OPINION, and TIME for HER to deal with it the entire time and never been *blind sided*
Not to mention.....getting *outed* would thrust the *secret* on them ......something most of us have done for years to prevent from happening to them
Keep in mind that those of us who are in a DADT have wives that know we dress. They just came to a different conclusion how they want to deal with it. How they deal with it is up to them, the way they find out might influence their reaction to some extent but it still comes down to their world view and as they say mileage may vary.
You could be seeking some adrenaline or excitement or instigation. Better to have a plan to come out, that you control, having thought the ramifications through.
Jamie, if I combine this with another thread you recently opened (and if I interpret it well), it seems that two bombs will drop at the same time on your SO if s.he finds out. So I don't know if you're looking for a solution, but this solution looks to me like a fast way out of your couple. Is it what you are looking for? Letting your SO find by accident is generally doubling the distress of the reveal and really not something to do if you love her/him.
The forums here (the Ask-a-GG threads especially) are full of good advices about how to prepare to come out to your SO (and of good reasons to do so).
I certainly would pay a lot of attention to the advice given in this thread and elsewhere in this forum.
Being careless, in my opinion, is the worst approach, even in the best case scenario.
Two wrongs don?t make a right.
Jamie; a couple of things...
I understand the desire to be found out. Hiding crossdressing is a like a form of prison. A portion of yourself is locked away, incapable of properly expressing and being free. It is a constant pressure. For some, it can have a very deleterious impact on your emotional and psychological state. Many of us find release in being able to dress as we feel, but when that release is constantly being denied or forced into a small area or time frame, it can create significant pressure. Being found out can seem to be a way out of that perpetual purgatory. If only this, or only that, or only this other thing would happen...then everything would be ok. It has to be understood that crossing that bridge of someone you know knowing, whether by accident or intentionally, is a one way bridge. It can't be undone, and it is permanent. You don't want to cross it by accident, as there will almost certainly be unforeseen impacts and unexpected outcomes.
Based on some data out there, more than half of husbands do not inform their wives-to-be about their crossdressing until after becoming married. There's a variety of reasons for this. I'm sure you have yours, and they likely are quite similar to many here on this forum. Frequently there's the belief that the desire will fade once your married, or you're too scared about the implications of her knowing and thus breaking it off before you get married, or that she'll tell everyone and you'll be ruined, or many other possibilities. You're in company with a lot of spouses that do not tell until after marriage or whom have never told.
I have read that for many wives the most difficult aspect of finding out that their husbands crossdress isn't the crossdressing itself; it's that their husbands kept it a secret. To women (and it should be so for men, but sadly isn't so all too often) the lack of informing about something is the same thing as lying. One can say they've told the truth, because when they said something what they said was the truth, and not a lie. But, NOT telling something that a spouse needs to know is far worse. Keeping secrets damages you and damages your marriage, even if the secret is never told. If your wife should discover your crossdressing by accident, she will not only know that she has been lied to all these years, but that you intended to keep on lying. How is she to ever trust you again when you had no remorse in keeping it secret and maintaining the lie? A passionate plea that you will change your ways that is motivated by her discovery is one that carries little weight. If you change your ways yourself, at least she would have the knowledge that you do have remorse, you do want it to change, and the lying will stop.
Consider another possibility; what if you do keep this secret to the day you die, and that day is before her own passing. What will she think when she finds your stash of clothes? She won't be able to ask you. She will be left with questions that will forever go without answer. Her whole life with you will become a great big question mark. How much do you love her? Enough to set this right or only enough to keep things stable while you are alive?
I am NOT telling you that you must tell her. I know nothing of your relationship. Only you can judge. The above is offered to give a different perspective. I hope it helps.
I think that secretly many wish to be caught.
It takes away the requirement that we take that first step to tell someone and make the admission we dread others knowing.
If we are "discovered" then we didn't reveal it yet it is revealed. It's like someone else opening a window that we desperately wanted open.
I think its a reasonable assumption that to some degree, we want to be caught for two reasons 1) it alleviates us of the burden of being the one to tell someone else and 2) there's a hope that the one who finds out will be supportive or at least tolerant of it.
Once the secret is out, there's no putting the toothpaste back in the tube so after being caught the hope is one will be free to indulge at their leisure.
I love the thrill of being found out, but frankly, I don't think that most people even notice or care that that I am underdressing and displaying boobs & wearing feminine underwear.
As I develop, I am slowly displaying more bust and my bra straps are becoming more obvious as my tops get more sheer. I get glances that say "you look pokey" & "are those bra straps under that tee shirt?", but I get the feeling that most of the supermarket regulars know that I wear a bra.
What would confirm my acceptance would be if a lady came up and said "my dear, do you realise that your left bra strap is twisted?"
If you are hiding your dressing from your wife, it's not a matter of "if" you will get caught it's "when" you will get caught.
My advice is to tell her about your dressing on your terms, when, where and how you feel it is best.
There are many ways to do this of course. In my case, I did it gradually, first a bra, then panties, then blouses, then forms, wig, padded butt, etc. all spread out over a year or so. What I would not recommend is you getting all dolled up in a mini skirt and hooker heels and springing this on her.
Yes, perhaps your inner self wants to be "outed" because the mental burden can be extreme. I think any man of this site who is married has some idea how his wife feels about the issue. There are little tell tale signs that will arise; comments about television programs, news casts, etc. Even reading here about disastrous outing may temper the desire to reveal. My wife and I are in a DADT marriage which is different than a wife not knowing about her husband's secret life. My wife and I had "The Talk" along time ago, 1983. It was rocky at first. I heard all those "if I had known I would have not married you" barbs. She did make an unusual comment that I have not seen anyone else on this site report. She said if I wanted to divorce her, she would out me. So, it's DADT, and, don't get divorced. Because of her mother and grandmother's track record for marriages she was adamant her marriage was not going to fail. She also has skeletons in her closets that I could reveal if I so choose. Mutual destruction?
Even if you reveal and all seems well, because it does end up as DADT, it becomes a secret shared by two. Any negativity that arises is going to be shared by both husband and wife; loss of job, shunned at church, avoided by neighbors, family hostilities, etc. Right now you know what the status quo is. After any outing? Lift one burden for another?
I agree it's something that should be discussed before marriage. What often happens is you get in a relationship and the dressing goes back in the closet or the box or the suitcase or whatever. You don't see any reason to bring it up because you're not as interested or maybe not at all. maybe you think it's gone. So why bring it up? In the end as we all too often find out the desire comes back and there we are doing it again and it was never mentioned.Quote:
Originally Posted by JulieC
It may still be some sort of lie but it's not always malicious or intentional. Maybe it just seemed unnecessary to mention since maybe we thought it was over.