You have the opportunity but...........

For about the last 4 or 5 years I've made the offer to those here of a chance to meet up in a LGBT friendly location, Canal Street in Manchester. Manchester is one of if not the most LGBT friendly city in the UK and Canal Street forms the centre of the Gay village.

I?ve been fortunate over the years to have met a number of forum members but I have to say the take up is low. I do make a point of focusing my offer towards those who perhaps haven?t been out in public before but would like to do so. However it?s not exclusively for the newbie, seasoned hands are welcomed to.

Here?s an opportunity to not only meet someone else from the forum but also other CD'ers/Tgirls in a safe, friendly environment where no-one will judge you or point fingers. Possibly as good as it gets for a first timer. Heck even the toilets are mixed gender, no male or female. You can even dress onsite if you can?t travel enfemme.

Now I appreciate that there are all sorts of practical reasons why many wouldn't be able to attend. Family and work commitments, distance to travel, haven't got a thing to wear!

So my question is, if there?s no logical/practical reason for you not to go, for those for whom this would be there first time out in public, assuming you had a desire to go out in public, what would be the thing(s) that would keep you away? What is it that the little voice in your head says to deter you?

Conversely, what would be the one thing that would tempt you the most to pull up those big girl knickers and get out there?

I've place a post in the places to go section with the time/date/venue for anyone interested in going.

I can only speak to my own anxiety. Now don't get me wrong I am sure you are a great person. But meeting a stranger just ads even more reason not to do it.

Also this basically had come up in my TG support group. Many of the girls are still in the closet and even the ones that are %100 out are shy when it comes to social situations.

I have tried to arrange a meet up for just socializing. But unless I can make it a totally private by invitation only guaranteed secure event, nobody is interested...

I?m afraid I?m the wrong girl to help with this. I?ve always had a strong desire and few hang-ups about going out. If I had to put myself in that position though, I think I would just want to know as many details as possible (who?s going to be there, what you?ll be doing, what to expect etc). It would also help if I knew I was going with people who had been through it all before, and didn?t mind holding my hand/babysitting me the whole time.

And +1 for Roberta?s point about strangers. It?s much easier to go out the first time if you?re with someone who you know you can trust.

I have met several from here and some were en femme and some were not.
I offered to a few newbies years back and they had the idea I was in it for sex so I had to bow out and say look I am not into that.
People are so iffy anymore I quit asking.

Too many other places to go and things to do these days. Have a good one.

Helen,
I agree it's a great way to safely meet others , I personally don't have a problem meeting people for the first time . Manchester is quite a distance for me but I'm also stuck with my dog , she's getting too old to drag too far in the car and also getting difficult being left with strangers . Being part of the gay district doesn't bother me one way or the other , I don't need that umbrella for feeling safe .

I find it odd people think just because you are in a " so called gay" area of town that gays will accept you enfemme.

If it was ten years ago or more I would have met others. Especially when I lived in NYC. I would even get someone in for free at any nightclub. But living in Baltimore had it's drawbacks, crime kept people away from me. And now I enjoy living alone and being alone. I don't want to meet anyone, trans or not. I was in the UK once. I was in the Kent area, Canterbury and the seaside towns. Didn't know any trans people from the UK back then. Didn't even know where Manchester was.

Back in the day before my first of now many trips out I would have loved to had that opportunity. My biggest fear starting going out was being a lone person and not really knowing where to go. Now I would still go and offer others who are visiting Las Vegas to meet but so far no takers, even in drab.( maybe it's me) I would come meet you if ever I was in the area and we both had the time but alas it's so far away.

My first time out in public was at Keystone Convention last March. I was fortunate to attend with my wife and definitely benefitted from having a huge group of extremely welcoming girls and trans men. I love going out, but it’s quite complicated... hard to get out of the house (kids, neighbors). Everyone within 100 miles seems to know my wife, so local outings with her are nearly impossible since she values our privacy. Nobody would recognize me, but the whole world seems to know her! And it just doesn’t seem right for me to go out for a night on the town without her.

So in direct answer to your question - what would be that voice that deters me? It’s just the hustle and bustle of normal life. I’m caught between not being able to go out locally in order to protect my wife’s privacy versus not being able to go out farther away from home because we don’t have anyone who could watch the kids for more than a couple hours.

I will say that there’s a few local TG/CD groups (meetup.com) that have frequent events and the local girls are extremely welcoming and help me feel at ease.

You have made a lovely, generous offer. I don't know why someone living near you wouldn't take you upon it. But in my case, I live on the west coast of Canada. If I should ever be fortunate enough to find myself near Manchester, I will happily let you know so we can meet.

Oh how I wish I could go there! Sadly my time and budget would not work for such a trip currently.

That being said I agree with the above. I would need to have some comfort level with others before I did especially the first time. Now that I have been out I am more open to the idea but would at least want to chat with those going until I built up my comfort level a bit more.

If I lived nearby, I would come, subject to checking out some safety concerns as I always do when I'm meeting new people.

But, I'm in a social group and go out all the time with them. In fact, there are currently 34 of us meeting for Halloween on Oct 26 in Northern Virginia. Anyone else in the DC area (or beyond) is invited. Go to meetup, and search for LGBT in the DC area. You can tell us from the other LGBT groups by the acronym "DCATS". Many of us will be in costume. I've gone in a femme costume for the last several years, including: mermaid, Wonder Woman and belly dancer. It's a day that anyone can wear any costume they want and not be outed.

I will be wearing a costume again this year. Don't ask me what costume because I'm not telling, although I may post some pics after Halloween.

I'm one of those that gets invited but rarely goes but I love going out by myself. Simply complicated lol

Helen,

I think it is very nice of you to offer your time. I'm sure that for some it would be helpful.

Talking to someone face to face is the best way to communicate, IMO.

Tho I'm with Tracii.

IS England that dangerous that you can only meet in certain places? Do you require an armed guard to go the grocery store?

I'm not saying that there aren't places you should avoid, like dark alleys. What I'm asking is can't you meet at any like coffee shop,restaurant, shopping area in town?

I do understand not wanting to bump into anyone you might know if you are not out.

So in that light I guess meeting somewhere the general public doesn't go is safe. That and I don't a gay person would out you.

Still I commend you for helping them.

Jean,

The UK is generally a safe place. The reason I chose Manchester Gay village as opposed to say a coffee shop somewhere is for those going out for perhaps the first time it's an area where no-one will bat an eye lid at seeing a CD'er.

Until recently there was a vibrant social group that met weekly in a dedicated room in one of the pubs. I attended some years ago and was welcomed warmly. This was in the early days of me going out in public and meeting others was a huge boost to my confidence.

Because the pubs and bars are so welcoming the group faded away as folks didn't feel the need to be segregated and now meets twice monthly on a far more informal basis in a different pub.

So I guess this brings me to the crux of my post. Members write about wanting to go out or meet others like them but...... This is about as safe a venue to be found anywhere yet folks hang back from taking that first step.

My first true sortie out and about was when I walked into a department store. You feel exposed, alone, certain everyone is staring. Thankfully that soon passes but I know just how much less stressful visiting the Gay village is especially if there's someone else there to guide and support you.

So many of us have experienced the sense of liberation and freedom going out brings. Others helped me and I'd like to pass that on.

Hi Helen,

If the distance weren?t such an issue, as it is quite the hop over the pond, it would be something I would love to do. However, the boundaries of my relationship would prevent that. I am in a place that I respect the don?t leave the house dressed request. Also too, my wife and I don?t do anything social without each other, and she has no interest in a GNO. So, until those boundaries soften, I will enjoy living vicariously through all the posts about everyone?s outings.

It has mostly been a solo activity
for me . I used to go to a Convention in Arkansas twice a year
And have met up with GG friends .
But mostly have been alone
I would love to have CD friends or a group,
But here in the Texas Panhanle / Rollling
Plains area it has not happened
Guess there is no interest any more ?

JAS

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Helen_Highwater

So my question is, if there?s no logical/practical reason for you not to go, for those for whom this would be there first time out in public, assuming you had a desire to go out in public, what would be the thing(s) that would keep you away? What is it that the little voice in your head says to deter you?

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Helen,

If there were no practical reasons not to go (and there are plenty), I think the thing that would be holding me back would be a kind of 'social anxiety'.

I'm uncomfortable enough walking into a group of strangers and introducing myself when in male mode. The larger the group, the more uncomfortable I am.
Add in the feminine side, and I'm almost paralyzed. Personally, I would need someone I knew to come with me, to encourage me, support me, and (most importantly) help get me outta there if things start going sideways.

Also, there was the time I was to meet up with a CD group in a local club - and I was the only one who showed up!
Talk about uncomfortable...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Robertacd

I can only speak to my own anxiety. Now don't get me wrong I am sure you are a great person. But meeting a stranger just ads even more reason not to do it.

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Roberta,

If you think about it, this works both ways. Anyone who wants to take that step into the wider world has to accept that there's a risk factor. I making this offer I'm opening myself up to potentially meeting someone who is, to put it politely, a little strange. Life is a gamble. If you want to move forward then often this involves an element of risk. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. As it stands at the moment those I've met have been lovely people. They've enriched my life. This is why I keep making these offers.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Tracii G

I find it odd people think just because you are in a " so called gay" area of town that gays will accept you enfemme.

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This is my experience. I've been there a number of times and had no bad encounters. Giving consideration to all other possible venues this one leaves me believing that this is as about as safe and welcoming as it gets.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by SaraLin

Helen,

If there were no practical reasons not to go (and there are plenty), I think the thing that would be holding me back would be a kind of 'social anxiety'.

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Sara,

I think you make a very valid point. In doing this you'd be stepping into the unknown. As Roberta says, in meeting a specific stranger you enter into a one on one situation. If attending a group then you can move away from one person and engage with another. Safety in numbers I suppose. It's been often written here about those little voices in our heads warning us of impending doom and disaster should we step out the door. These are vital survival instincts but again I have to say that in order to move forward then risk needs to be taken.

That said I would strongly advise anyone thinking about meeting someone to follow the guidelines listed in the forum.

I suppose what drives me is the knowledge that in meeting others my journey has been greatly enhanced. Sure I could just spend my time in isolation, not engaging with others from our community, simply going about my business out and about, mixing with the muggles, as much fun as that is but my life would be the poorer for it.

Jean,
I may be sticking my neck out but after reading so many comments on the forum I'm going to say the UK is far safer . I can understand Helen's point trying to cater for the newbies but to some it may scare them off because they may be uncomfortable entering a gay community .

I'll respond to the snippet below:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Helen_Highwater

As Roberta says, in meeting a specific stranger you enter into a one on one situation. If attending a group then you can move away from one person and engage with another. Safety in numbers I suppose.

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I'm afraid that "safety in numbers" only works if the numbers are on your side.

For me (and I suspect at least a few others): the greater the number of strangers in the situation, the greater the chance for things to go horribly wrong - hence the greater level of anxiety.

I'm not saying this is how I should view things. I'm not saying it's realistic or even healthy. But It's there and it can be paralyzing if allowed free reign.

Sadly, for someone deciding whether or not to venture out - it can be enough to keep a girl at home.

I'm heterosexual, happily married and my wife knows. I go out frequently, always alone. Now I have been to bars, and TG events. But frankly I find them a bit offsetting. I have met some very nice people there; but the aforementioned places seemed more interested in hookups. My purpose on going out is to blend in with the general population as a female. I just feel more comfortable in that environment; and meeting a stranger just poses potential risks that I would rather avoid.