Going Backwards

From a child and before dating GGs.I was heavily into CD. I bought clothes, wigs lingerie etc.I was advised where to get them and how from girls at local CD support group .This diminished after marriage and kids but came back with a vengeance after my father died in 2011. I was busted by my wife who does not accept . Had a breakdown came out to my mother who accepted. For the next 9 years I developed a wardrobe at my mothers. Dressed at least once a week until 2020 when she passed away. Had to purge everything. Other than occasional forays opportunities are virtually zero now.Like many others on this forum . I am reflecting what if? Better to experienced it than not at all.Feel like I have reached a crossroads in my life.Family are important to me so don?t want my self indulgence to jeapordize relationship but feel desperately frustrated and lost.Any one else have similar circumstances and advice they could offer?

people stop crossdressing. ot really does hapoen . it is a lot harder for some than others.

but nost people on this site dont want to stop. coming here and asking for advice to stop cd is like an alcoholic going to a whiskey forum and asking for help to stop drinking.

you need to find other places on the internet to hang out at.

I'm not in your position Debbie, so although I can't relate directly I do sympathize. I detect a large sense of guilt and shame on your part referring to CDing as your "self indulgence" jeopardizing your relationship. I prefer to be more fair to you; CDing is a part of you, you are doing nothing wrong and it hurts no one not even yourself. I'm not sure this is something you can just stop cold turkey like drugs or drink, it strikes me you will be more self damaged if you try to stop.

Is there any way to achieve some sort of agreement with your wife. DADT is better than nothing, and if the ground rules for said DADT are mutually agreed upon, it might work. Explain how important this is for you psychological well being. Be emphatic and come prepared with some specific ideas that will satisfy your need and keep your wife and kids out of the fray...they will never have to see it, and you won't have to sneak.

Best wishes Debbie, I hope this works out for you.
Kris

Such a difficult position to be in, especially having the benefit of a supportive parent for those years and an outlet.

My thought is that if you feel you are at a crossroads, as Yogi Berra said, take one. Thats probably much easier said than done, but in the end, I think Yogi was right. Sometimes you have to just go with one of the roads, even if the outcome is unclear.

Which one, or are there more than two options? I certainly do not know. Perhaps the years have mellowed your wife. Perhaps, if she knew of how distressing abstinence is for you, she might consider some options. Maybe a counselor could help. So many maybes.but if its causing you distress, then it is time to deal with it.

I can relate,

I recently lost my place to dress. My wife finds it disgusting and I have to find a place to hide my stash by next week or PURG!

If u can wait until your kids grow up and/or move? There mite be a chance to arrange a DADT deal with your SO.:straightface:

Debbie, obviously you are going to have to have a discussion again about the matter with your wife, which means you'll have to come clean (otherwise I can't see it work). Coming clean means, among other things such as the dressing, telling her that you lied to her for 9 years with the complicity of your mother, so the matter will be much worse than back in 2011. This is a severe dent in the trust in the couple and I don't know how your wife will react to that. Be prepared to answer a lot of questions, and you presumably have a long road awaiting you before your wife's confidence in you can be restored, if she ever gets there. As I read your post, I realize that you are not headed there, and more thinking about a way to self indulge in the short term rather than in a few years. I don't see that happening without more lying. So, to me, your crossroads isn't a choice between stopping crossdressing and living the CDer life that you (hardly, because of your mother) were deprived of. It is between coming clean to your wife and give a chance to your marriage, or keep playing with fire.
Good luck.

Debbie, it is hard to give you advice without understanding more. My wife has never been fully supportive, has never seen me fully dressed, but she has accepted that I wear only panties and that I love feminine things. She knows that I have clothes and that I dress when she is gone. Our evolution into a wife-led marriage has helped because she sets the parameters she is comfortable with and she benefits from my compliance. Our commitment to each other , trust, and love has been stronger than all of this. She knows by now that it is part of me and will not go away, and also that there is far more to me, and us, than clothing. Keep talking. Be honest. Be loving. Nancy

I just read a very interesting opinion article at the New York Times by Tish Harrison Warren entitled I married the wrong person and I am glad I did it.

Found a very interesting quote by Alain de Botton - Choosing whom to commit ourselves to is merely a case of identifying which particular variety of suffering we would most like to sacrifice ourselves for.

Even strongly disagreeing with the author opinion, it should help and encourage troubled relationships to endure and find purpose and happiness at the end!

If you have a chance to read Debbie, I hope gives you some perspective and helps on the matter!

Thanks everyone for your kind words, advice and opinions. I realise there is no easy solution. Kris you are right there has been a lifetime of guilt and shame . Probably because it came before I had relationships . Like many I thought by getting married it would go away. Which it did for many years.I am reluctant to burden my wife as she has debilitating health issues that I do not wish to exacerbate. Think I will have to adapt. Dressing has provided me with stress relief throughout my life particularly during the last 9yrs.I should also take some of my own advice.

I don't want to be redundant as I have posted my situation, today and many times. Yep, in the same boat, but, I do have the nights to sleep en femme. I would love to have the occasional full femme experience again and take an evening stroll in heels, dress and wig. I read your wife is not supportive. My wife is not supportive, but, I do sense she wants to give me time to explore....hours away at a time with a friend. My advice is to try to negotiate with your wife for some quality time. If it a non-starter watch out that you do not become a "grumpy old man." Sometimes enforced denial does not work out well for self and those around you. I wish you luck.

I have been married for 40 years she can't stand this part of !e I do what I can when I can I don't like the little time I get but that's what it is

My inclination would be to broach the subject by telling her you understand she hates that you desire to CD. Continue by saying the desire has never left you and you are hopeful she might allow you some leeway so you can indulge yourself. If that means keeping your feminine attire hidden in a suitcase that you only open when she is gone and you are alone, so be it. She won't have to see it or talk about it. This conversation doesn't have to include an admission you have dressed at your mother's home. However, if she asks, then it's time to come clean. If she still refuses to give you any leeway, you have a decision to make. You know the decision without me elaborating.

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Originally Posted by Debbie Denier

Thanks everyone for your kind words, advice and opinions. I realise there is no easy solution. Kris you are right there has been a lifetime of guilt and shame . Probably because it came before I had relationships . Like many I thought by getting married it would go away. Which it did for many years.I am reluctant to burden my wife as she has debilitating health issues that I do not wish to exacerbate. Think I will have to adapt. Dressing has provided me with stress relief throughout my life particularly during the last 9yrs.I should also take some of my own advice.

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I think you lie to your wife and keep dressing on the down low.

I see zero reason to come clean to your wife and explain you've been doing it in secret for the past 10 years. What does that get you?

You did it for the last 10 years to stay married and stay sane. Your wife didn't find out and not knowing didn't harm her one bit. She's not going to change, and you're not going to change wanting to dress.

I think you need to figure out a way to have overnight road trips to barrack for your favorite rugby league team and instead take your stash and dress, or find another solution.

I know others on this board likely disagree with me, but honesty is going to mean banging your head against the wall, for zero benefit. Figure a plausible lie that allows you to dress and execute that plan.

First of all it appears the trauma of your father's death was a big trigger. Those kinds of events can be far more important than we give them credit for. The need to CD was present before, but I suspect that trauma solidified that need. Second, the negative feeling of your wife acts somewhat like a trauma in that it constitutes a rejection of who you are in the big picture. Rejecting the side of you that is more female-like is not going to make it go away and can act to make your perception of the male-like side of yourself distasteful for you. I think you can see where that may be headed. If always expressing as male to satisfy her will leave you isolated and unhappy with yourself and I suspect she would prefer to have a man who is at least somewhat satisfied with being man so when he is expressing as male he isn't in a depressed state of some kind. That situation can go nowhere but spiral downward.

I recommend, at the minimum, you see a therapist that deals mainly with couples issues to get help with breaking down the walls that have been constructed. As I see it, your wife's opinions and attitude is controlling your life and your ability to address your needs. You have strong female-like traits and characteristics that cause you to sense within yourself a bit of a female that needs to be expressed outwardly to affirm and validate its existence. But you also have a goodly amount of male-like traits and characteristics. That could indicate a classic gender fluid or non-binary structure in your sense of gender identity, i.e. your sense of self.

It is possible that a therapist can help your wife to see that not allowing you to express the total you that is not built on a more either/or pattern like most people is really hurtful to you. If the only way you can release those desires and address those needs is to do it in secret then there is something amiss in the nature of the relationship. Exactly what is needed I can't say, but there needs to be a balance where she recognizes your needs and allows you to address them in ways that are positive for you but also where you recognize her needs and perception.

For example, she could accept you wearing, in her presence, some bits and pieces of things that relate to your female-like side while not going to the full dressing except in private. A middle ground that provides a sense of at least some acceptance of the total you on her part and an acceptance on your part that she does not approve of the full dressing. I suspect her reason for not accepting that is her concept that she married a man and if her man appears as a woman then it fractures her image of you. It is the, "I can't unsee that" problem in her mind. It can be a mild trauma for her. In short, there should be some kind of compromise point where both aspects are present in you in a pattern that is acceptable to both of you and does not make her feel that she has lost her man and is now married to something that is more like a woman which is not something she wants. She sacrifices a little of her perfect image to help you and you do the same back, but in a nicely coordinated way.

Hi Debbie I understand somewhat where you are. I to often go for long periods of time between times when I can dress up and really bring my female half out, but for just a little relief and to get a bit of girlishness into my life I under dress as often as I can. No body sees or has to know, just me. Best of luck to you

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Originally Posted by TheHiddenMe

I see zero reason to come clean to your wife and explain you've been doing it in secret for the past 10 years. What does that get you?

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Well, for one thing, it gets the point across of how serious the situation is. If someone told me they had been engaging in a weekly activity for 10 years, I might just see how critical that activity was to her existence.

I think Heather and others have some wonderful advice (that I wish my own CDing husband could read). Trust is key. CDing is a part of what makes you ?you?. A therapist could help you and your wife establish boundaries and bring trust back into the marriage (in relation to the CDing). As a GG, I go to my own therapist and am also seeking a marriage counselor to work through my feelings, thoughts, and hopefully saving my marriage, or at the very least, figuring out how to communicate openly and healthy. I wish you luck. The sadness and guilt comes through your original post, but the desire for hope and having a stronger marriage does too.

Debbie, I'm not going to tell you what you need to do. The only person that can tell you is you. You know your situation better than anyone. You know how your wife will react. All I can tell you is what happened with me.
I was lucky to have a best friend in school that supported and encouraged me. And who has been my wife for the 30 years now. But in the beginning not everyone was as supportive. My parents was completely against it. And made sure to point out to me how wrong it was. And would even quote me scripture. They even threatened to send me to a Christian counselor. All that just for borrowing a girls short cause mine was wet. (Boy were those shorts way more comfortable than any shorts I had) Well something had to be done and done quick. I was at a crossroad myself. Made the difficult decision then and there. Wasn't going to stop. But took a tactful route. I immediately went and changed it to a pair of boy's shorts and went back to my friend's house with her shorts in hand. Told her what happened and that I didn't want to stop. Her plan of action was so brilliantly simply. She went thru her clothes and found the most masculine girl's pants and shirt she owned. Had me put them on to see how they looked. Sent them home with me with strict instructions to wear them Monday to school. Monday morning came, and not a word was said by either parent. Meet her went to school and made no mention of my clothes to anyone. And No one said anything. On the way home we talked and decided to go shopping. She picked out all new clothes for me all for the girls department. And we slowly switched all my clothes at home to girl's. After we were married, we went to meet my parents for a dinner out. My wife went to the bathroom and my mom followed. When they came back and sat down my wife leaned over and gave me a kiss and told me how much she loved me. At home she told me that my mom questioned her if the shirt that is was wear was a women's shirt. My wife to her that she picked out for me and that she thinks I look hot in it. I haven't had a problem with my parents since then. They would try to get clothes for me for Christmas or birthday, but my wife said diplomatically she likes to take me shopping so she can see if it will look good on me before we buy it. I don't know if my parents have became okay with it or not. We just don't talk about it. My dad ask her when we first got married if she loved me including all my fault. My wife said to him that she loved me because of my fault.
Now you take what you want from my story. What would make you happy and what would make your wife happy. And what would make you both happy. And find a way.

Thanks for your opinions, advice and insightful observations. Therapy and counselling seems to be a popular suggestion. Both of us have recently received counselling for other issues. Both have found it harrowing at times. So now is not a good time to recommence. Maybe in the future .

Debbie, This statement of yours "I am reluctant to burden my wife as she has debilitating health issues that I do not wish to exacerbate" is the most important thing you posted. If you truly love your wife than her health issues take precedence over everything else including crossdressing. I can relate to that because my late wife & I were together for 42 years and I never told her about my CDing in part because of a series of health issues. I refused to add to the burdens she was already dealing with. It might have made me feel better to open up to her but she was the best thing that ever happened to me and I loved her dearly which made it easy to put her welfare before my own. If you love your wife and your family and are concerned about your wife's health, then CDing may have to assume a less important role in your life.

You are quite right Fiona. Which was exactly what I was thinking.Thanks for your advice.