Struggling with Seeing the Woman Inside and Passing

It's been more than 10 years since I have hung up my "wig" sort of speak. I used to be on HRT and was on my way to transition until reality hit and I couldn't accept losing my family or my job, so I quit. The woman in me still lied within, but I somehow managed to be happy until my marriage ended b/c my spouse cheated. I am honestly still reeling from the experience, but I thought this would be another opportunity to see if I want to go down that path. I honestly do not know whether I am a TS or just a CD. All I know is that I sometimes have a yearning to be accepted/seen as a woman and it definitely is not a sexual fetish. I honestly thought that this new experience would be satisfying and bring me happiness, but it actually has made more depressed b/c when I dress, I cannot see anything but a man in a dress. I live in the SF Bay area, one of the most liberal areas in the US. I am not afraid of being "clocked" per se b/c it's not like someone would beat me up or kill me if they found out. I am worried that a co-worker might see me though, so I mainly dress privately on my own. Regardless of whether I dress publicly or privately, I want to pass and I want to be seen as a woman and most importantly, I want to see the woman in me. When I transitioned 10 years ago, I was in my 20s, now I'm in my 30s so maybe things shifted around (skin, posture, etc) and maybe it's harder than it used to be...but I was able to feel beautiful and sexy and passable then, I can't anymore. I feel a bit ungrateful b/c to many on this forum, I might be considered to have hit the genetic lottery, I am Asian, 5'6, rather petite for western standards, but big IMO for eastern standards, and 150lbs. I am currently restricting my diet heavily to hopefully come down to 135lbs (my original weight when I started to transition), but I don't know if it'll happen or not. I am starting to think I'm forming an eating disorder. Whatever the case may be, I spent the last couple days reading threads about passability and it seems the general policy is that "I don't try to pass, I try to blend in". That's the thing I don't seem able to accept, I want to be able to pass and have normal interactions with my peers. I don't want to be the subject of gossip or side looks. I don't want to just blend in, to me, it basically means that I am accepting to just be average and that's something I'm struggling with. I went to get fitted for a wig the other day at a CD store and when the wig was placed on, I was so sad I started to cry. Instead of seeing a woman in the mirror, I saw an ugly man with a wig on. Thankfully, the shop owner was super nice and consoled me. She said that HRT would help, but I cannot be on HRT b/c of medical reasons. So I'm not sure what I will do to pass or even if I'll continue. Please help....maybe I'm not a TS, who knows?

You need to be in counseling.

First, read Jeri Ann's reply again. You need to see a gender therapist.

Second -- "Passing" is a false god. It's a handle which that voice in your head that tells you you'll never succeed can use against you. The head game of transition is the most important part -- accepting yourself for who you are, honestly showing yourself day-to-day. If you hang out with enough women for a long enough time you'll realize that it's not voice, it's not hair, it's not makeup skill or matching your shoes to your purse. It's your inner self shining out that is going to make you succeed or fail.

As I read the OP, I can clearly see conflicting thoughts and emotions. Some sound like classic gender dysphoria, while others seem to indicate something quite different. Pat's right - "passing" is simply not what makes us women. Coming to grips with that, and the other feelings that are tormenting you, is possible if you put in the work, starting with reading Jeri Ann's post again. 😉
It gets better. Believe me.

I have to agree with the others! Reread Jeri Ann's post! All of those who have answered so far are well along on our journeys and do not suggest this lightly! Best wishes! Hugs Lana Mae

Baby steps honey. It ALL begins in your own mind. Practice feeling feminine and imagining you ARE the woman you feel inside. Create your female self and let her out in your daily life until she is you and you are her.
My biggest war was with myself and self image. But feeling the woman in me and giving her the control led me out of a dark place and into a better place.
At this point I cannot pass a thorough hard look but at a distance and at dusk I almost reach mildy attractive. It has some to do with my emerging skills with makeup and fashion but more ,I think, that when dressed and feeling nice it comes out more natural to others.
I hope you find your good place and reach out if what I said resonated if you like
Hugs
Maria

Hi Michelle:

First, about me: 56 years old, on HRT 3 years, had FFS in July of this year, and my avatar photo was taken in August and has not been altered or retouched. I’m 5’6”, 155 lbs.

I pass with ridiculous ease until I open my mouth, and then I pass about 70 percent of the time IRL and never on the phone or at a drive through.

You really need to see a therapist and decide whether passing is a “sense of accomplishment” guy thing or whether you are really trans and need to transition to address dysphoria.

Do not despair about the wig thing. The first time I put on a wig I looked like a guy who worked in a physics lab somewhere. The right makeup changed everything — a professionally applied contour job is almost as good as FFS.

Next in order would be to address whatever underlying health issue you thing makes you ineligible for HRT.

Even if you cannot get in HRT, the WPATH requirements have changed recently and you no longer need to be on HRT for any length of time to receive FFS (or so I was told at Kaiser). So if passability is a concern, FFS may be your solution.

Carefully look into all your options.

Please do not give up on yourself.

Hugs, Carly

It seems like what drives your desire to pass is partially the fear of being clocked as trans. Unless you fear a physical threat, being read as a trans may seem scary but this is what you need to work on. It takes time, and a lot of courage to accept yourself but it is worth in the end. Like I heard from one guest on Beyond Gender podcast. Imagine you could introduce yourself like: "Hi, I Michele. I am Trans, and F#$& You!" ;)))