GG poses Question

Hi everyone.
My SO and I are having a discussion on my CDing and the effects it has on our lives.
She has asked the question "If I feel so much better in femme form why do I not feel the need to be like this all the time?"
One of the common answers to the question of how I have changed is that "I have not changed.I am still the same as I always was only now you know me better."
Does this hold true?
I do feel more relaxed and calmer when en femme,which surely must be better for both of us.
I hope for many comments on this as SO is skeptical of my answers.
Philipa Jane

My explanation is easy. Like most gender variant people, I have a binary gender identity so I need to present as both genders.

I would say that you will get a 99% answering yes it does make them more relaxed BUT i maybe the odd one out :D
First of all i agree with you in that you are the same person whatever you are wearing but i am not sure that when you wear female clothes it makes you more relaxed because for me it is the other way around , i would only wear the more feminine clothes when i feel relaxed to start with or when i am doing something that is more relaxing , but in the end it still says that if i am in a dress then i am more relaxed so what does it matter how i got there. :)

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Originally Posted by Philipa Jane

.......She has asked the question "If I feel so much better in femme form why do I not feel the need to be like this all the time?".......

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There are as many different levels and degrees of crossdressing as there are crossdressers.

For me, I enjoy wearing comfortable women's cloths on occasion and go out 4 or 5 times a year, but it would be uncomfortable to do this on a daily basis and I simply don't feel a desire or a need to. I love to identify "with" women sometimes, but I don't identify "as" a woman.

I do feel like this all the time and would love to go 24/7 but it's just not possible work and family and all the other thing I need to be in drab for. I do feel more comfortable in a skirt or dress and even heels. My answer to that would be I do feel this all the time.:hugs:
Angie

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Originally Posted by Philipa Jane

Hi everyone.
My SO and I are having a discussion on my CDing and the effects it has on our lives.
She has asked the question "If I feel so much better in femme form why do I not feel the need to be like this all the time?"

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Probably because you are expressing natural traits that need to be expressed for your health and wellness, but are also considered feminine. You don't let yourself express them much when you're not en femme, so it feels great to do do when you are.

Yet if you were that way 'all the time,' it would become mundane for one, and you might begin to neglect many of your natural masculine traits for another, some of which you would miss, and some of which she would miss.

All people of all sexes have parts of their personality that are associated with a both genders by society, and themselves. The trick, (and the job for which dressing/roleplaying can be such a powerful tool,) is to break yourself out of these associations, and learn to express yourself fully no matter how you are dressed, and in a way that is appropriate to the situation at hand. To be whole, you use dressing to identify the best of your traits that were repressed as 'feminine,' so you can apply them across the board.

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One of the common answers to the question of how I have changed is that "I have not changed.I am still the same as I always was only now you know me better."
Does this hold true?

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Not really, since people are always changing. People have a core moral 'self,' which should be held true to, but much of identity is formed in and defined by their relationships with others.

If she 'knows you better' because she knows you dress, you would do well to remember that this fact has also changed you in some way or another. When you shine a light on something in the dark, it is not the same thing anymore, especially is if was partly defined by the dark setting it was in.

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I do feel more relaxed and calmer when en femme,which surely must be better for both of us.
I hope for many comments on this as SO is skeptical of my answers.
Philipa Jane

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I wouldn't be so hasty to use this logic. It's probably much better for both of you that you are expressing yourself and your feelings more, and it's probably best to view dressing as a tool to facilitate that self-work overall, but probably not the best thing to view dressing a certain way as something that 'must be done', always, to be able to express parts of yourself that, when you look closely, really have nothing to do with clothing at all.

From what I've seen, dressing constantly around the SO usually ends up in regret. You really can't define your full personality by how you dress, or even what gender you present as, and if you don't keep a healthy balance, in either direction, your SO will notice, and you both may end up secretly viewing your dressing as 'ridiculous', killing off the benefits of it.

Very well put, I couldn't agree more.:thumbsup:

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Originally Posted by PaulaJaneThomas

My explanation is easy. Like most gender variant people, I have a binary gender identity so I need to present as both genders.

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I also believe that I am Two-spirit. The term "two-spirit" usually implies a masculine spirit and a feminine spirit living in the same body so I feel like my scales are weighted equally.

A great article on Two-spiritedness:

Two-Spirit

Here is an article that some of us might find interesting. It might answer a few of your questions and at least explain what you are trying to articulate to her:

Why be just one sex?

I feel like keeping the frequency of my dressing to about once a week keeps it fascinating and spontaneous.I certainly wouldn't want to lose touch with my male Identity,I need and appreciate the qualities that both sides have to offer.

I really like my dressing to remain variable as well,no deadlines ,stipulations or conditions. If I get up and I'm in the mood ,I'm dressing.So in short ,all of these things that I find intriguing about dressing would be diminished if I were to dress all the time.

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Originally Posted by Philipa Jane

Hi everyone.
My SO and I are having a discussion on my CDing and the effects it has on our lives.

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You may be interested in a journal paper I posted in Mrs. X's thread about divorce. Its post #35.

Cheers
Giuseppina

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Originally Posted by Angie G

I do feel like this all the time and would love to go 24/7 but it's just not possible work and family and all the other thing I need to be in drab for. I do feel more comfortable in a skirt or dress and even heels. My answer to that would be I do feel this all the time.:hugs:
Angie

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I get tremendous pleasure out of this and I'd go 24/7 if there was a way.

It sounds like the classic difference in definition between CD vs TV to me.

~PIP

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Originally Posted by Maia Saturn

I also believe that I am Two-spirit. The term "two-spirit" usually implies a masculine spirit and a feminine spirit living in the same body so I feel like my scales are weighted equally.

A great article on Two-spiritedness:

Two-Spirit

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Hey Maia

thanks for posting this. I never knew all the details and the extent of this "gender" in the native tribes. I like the idea of "two-spiritedness" alot.

b

I do really enjoy being Tina. I can't say I'm more or less relaxed in either gender. For me, Tina is a very different personality. She sees the world differently and it's so refreshing to being to understand that aspect of what has been a confused part of me all my life.

However, that doesn't mean I want to lose my masculinity. On the contrary, I think Tina has not only helped me understand both the masculine and feminine sides of my personality, but she has allowed us to learn about femininity from the inside out. We find this terrifically fulfilling.

If circumstances would allow, I imagine I would like a 50/50 split, hoping that the changeover would occur every few days, allowing for blocks of time in either gender.

I hope this helps :)

tina

I struggle with that question... Daydreaming about being female...sure, but making a life change... I doubt it. So, coming out would change things even though I'm the same so I'm going slow in that aspect. The best way to describe it, CDing is like a mini vacation. If you are on vacation for too long, it becomes to much like life and you will need a new type of vacation to feel recharged.

There are some very good answers already on this thread. Because I am a CD who dresses merely because I like the fit, feel and look of feminine clothing my answer to the questions asked might not fit in with some others.

I do find it relaxing and stress removing to slip into something soft, silky, and definitely feminine, after spending a day wearing drab men's clothing. But, as I constantly reminded my late wife during our 49+ years together, no matter what I had on, underneath I was still the same MAN that she married. I had not desire to actually be a woman. therefore there was no need for me to be constantly dressed as one. Even though I am now a widower, and pretty much free to do as I wish, I still have no desire to always wear feminine clothing. In fact, changing from drab to Stephanie gives me kind of a rush!!:heehee: But even though as Stephanie I feel good, I know, and am thankful for it, that I am still a man underneath!!

I agree with you now know me better

I cherish my time as Alice and feel relaxed, sexy and excited all at the same time. I want to go out and share it with everyone, but can't. But, I also cherish my male side and being as manily as I can be at those time. When I get home I often want to dress but usually can't. At times the pink fog can be over powering, but I've ;earned to reach a balance that both my wife and I can accept. Do I want to dress more often - yes. Do I want to be a full time female - no. There are many of us like this.

I know no matter how I'm dressed, in my heart I am female. Even when I'm dirty and greasy from wroking on my truck.
Of course, no matter how drab I seem to be, I keep long hair and nails, shaved legs, and painted toes. I guess I keep the best of both worlds most of the time

Philipa we all are different in cd'ing. Some have to be infemme 100% of the time, others still need thier male bonding. Where are you?

Well I can not speak of how you feel. But I can speak of the fact that I enjoy being dressed in female attire. I would rather wear women's clothing althe time and probably would if the people in my area would accept it, but alsa I know better. Any way to get back to your Question. I would say to you SO that every one of us is the same and different at the same time. I am relaxed while dressed, while I'm fishing, or riding my bike. I do not want to be a female, (I'm kinda attached to shorty and want to keep that relationship as long as I can,) However I do enjoy being feminine, so does my wife.
I hope that in some small way I have helped the two of you.

I'm not sure if this is exactly an answer to your question, but I'll give it a try.

i really enjoy being en femme. It's a feeling that I can't get when presented as a guy. I do tend to be much calmer, less short tempered. I can't explain why, but I do.

I like the feel of lingerie and generally just love to dress up and try my best to look passable. BUT, being a woman is just too much trouble! I don't see how women do it, but then I guess that's why they don't dress up all the time. :D

My girlfriend gets a real kick out of it as well. She enjoys and encourages me to explore my feminine side, enjoys shopping with me or hearing about my adventures shopping on my own. And it adds another dimension to our relationship.

I'm really new to going out en femme though. This past weekend we went out for a drive and she left me in the car while she went in a few places. I was a bit concerned that I'd get stares, but I don't believe that a single person that looked at me thought anything of me, or if they did they didn't do anything to make me think that they noticed.

The Southern Comfort Conference is going to be my very first time out fully dressed and if it wasn't for my girlfriend I seriously doubt that I ever would have decided to go out.

It's soooooo important to a CD that's in a relationship to have a supportive SO whether it's a dating relationship or a marriage.

I think you should answer the question why dont you do it all the time first before moving on to understanding the rest. You say you feel better, calmer then why not do it always?

If what you mentioned was your answer to her, it is a bit off. I think it is an answer to a different question or a defense against the idea that you are not the same person she started being with, that youre a different person now.

The more you understand of yourself, the more you can answer her questions. It is jsut hard sometimes when the SO does ask questions but really does not listen to the answer. You would know your SO best, you always have a choice, to tell her what she wants to hear or to tell her everything in all accuracy.

Well thanks to all who have given time and answers to the questions posed.
My SO and I have read them and seen that my answer to the statement "I have not changed" was misguided. By my own admission I do feel calmer and more relaxed therefore I have changed.The other point was or should be more of a qualification to the comment "I have not changed (the way I feel about you)would have made more sense.My mistake.
Like some others I am ok as a male and prefer to keep my life as it is (but with maybe a little smoother running).
My So and I have quite involved discussions when we are together on the weekends and this is in itself is a great break through.I have even been told that I am conversing with her on equal terms as we are both finding our way.You could draw from that remark that I think I know everything(how wrong I am).
Anyhow thanks again.
P J