A not so brief history about myself and why I crossdress
Hello all! I've been browsing this community for a few months, too shy to post anything. First off I'd like to thank everyone here for being supportive of each other at the very least. The world could use a lot more positive reinforcement. You're all awesome in your own way. So... a not-so-brief history about myself. Sorry, I love to type, so this will be long. Hope you enjoy?
I'm a 25 year old genetic male, straight as an arrow, and very happy to be one of the guys. However I find I'm more in tune with emotions and self-aware than most other guys I know. I never got along with other guys in school, so the few close male friends I have mean the world to me. They're the type who'd stick by me through anything. Growing up through grade school was very hard for me, I was constantly picked on and was one of the very unpopular kids. I didn't seem to fit in... felt my brain was years ahead of other boys as far as maturity, and the only close personal connections I could make were with girls. They were far easier to talk to, far more accepting of flaws, etc. For this reason, I've had a life-long admiration for the female half of the species. I truly think they're the better half and I'd almost call myself a feminist. However I've met some feminist types and they scare the heck out of me >_<.
So for the longest time, growing up with an older sister and a mother and a few female inspirations in class, I wanted to know everything about what it meant to be a girl. I remember being fascinated by a pile of shoes at age 5 or 6 that had elevated spikes on the heel. Had no clue why they were so different from my little kid tennis shoes, but they intrigued me. Then towards middle school, I started exploring my sister's & mother's wardrobes. Not sure what first gave me the idea, but I learned very quick that men's underwear was boring. I wasn't so into bras back then, but once I hit puberty and learned what boobs were I learned all about lingerie, sizes, cups, etc.
My mom was very invasive and always searched my room, and I was caught several times with female clothing under my mattress (the worst place to hide anything). I was forced to purge everything a few times, punished harshly, and thoroughly embarrassed. I was taken to a psychologist at one point for a few months of weekly visits. Nothing was ever resolved. I seemed like most any other pre-teen boy with ADHD. Between my anti-social school experience with other male children, my slipping grades, early crossdressing and discovery of pornography, the best they could come up with was that perhaps I didn't have the best relationship with my father. This was completely true. My parents are still married after almost 30 years, but as a young boy my dad didn't have much to do with me other than be the enforcer of punishments. My dad's a bit of a hobbyist, not too much into sports. I only remember playing catch with him once. We didn't have much to build a relationship on until I was old enough to understand lawn mowers, using power tools, changing the oil in a car, etc.
For a while I repressed my urges to raid the female clothes in the house. I was a confused young kid... seemed perfectly normal, and I knew a lot of other kids my age who were in far worse shape emotionally. I was never extremely depressed, suicidal, or anything. After a while though, I couldn't help but return to the feminine side of fashion. I found thongs to be quite exciting visually whenever the "whale tail" phenomenon occurred with girls in high school. I wanted to know what they were like to wear myself. I found out, and fell in love. I didn't wear them every day back then. I still had to change for gym class and such, so what I wore to school was either covered by boxers or just overlooked until I returned home. I've always been very open-minded, and the metro-sexual movement was gaining popularity at the time. At the suggestion of one of my female friends/fellow band geeks, I went out shopping for girls jeans. I discovered low-rise stretch flares, and how comfortable they were. Also, my ass looked incredible. I didn't dare wear 'em around school, but I think at that point I decided girls had the best fashions. Most guys at the time were still wearing jeans and khakis with pant legs over a foot wide. That "extra relaxed" fashion trend gave me nightmares >_<.
Although I'd found new joy in shopping the girls' department, I never had any doubts about my sexual desires... I've always known I was a straight guy. However I kept pushing my own limits as far as trying to look like a macho male. I loved the way the tighter stretch jeans fit me, and showed off my rear. When I started wearing the girls' jeans more often, I decided my loose-fitting tshirts wouldn't look right with 'em, so I started buying tighter t-shirts. After high school, into the college years, and up to the current times, I've basically merged into a wardrobe of form-fitting clothes. The jeans and underwear are mostly feminine, and the shirts and hoodies are from the guys department. I'm fashionably androgynous these days, and my fiance really digs my style.
In future posts I'll go in detail about recent events... I dressed up for the first time as a girl for halloween this year (I've wanted to since middle school... never had the courage), and I recently had a long conversation with my fiance about wanting to be a crossdresser after having enjoyed halloween a bit too much. These are a few heavy subjects, and I'm tired of typing at the moment, so stay tuned. Hope you all enjoyed reading! I'm happy to say hello, and answer any questions anyone has. Keep in touch, everyone!
