I am both a Genetic Male and a Genetic Female in 2 separate worlds

So, who am I?

I am married to my wife of 28 years. For the last 5 years, I live in 2 mutually exclusive worlds, one as a genetic man and another as a genetic woman, cross dressing is not applicable in these 2 worlds, because I don't cross dress in either of these, sounds confusing? Let me explain.

In my male world as a loving husband and father of 2 wonderful children, I have no trace of wanting to be a woman and no one knows about "Jen" with one exception - I told my wife about Jen 10 months ago. In this world, I have a happy family (not sure now as my wife is not talking to me), we raised 2 wonderful children and both of them did very well academically and are doing well in their careers. I did well in my career and retired 5 years ago when I turned 50. My wife is also performing well in her career and is still working as she loves her job. We are almost a perfect family!

In my female world as "Jen", I have no trace of "I am a man", I am 100 percent passable, everyone in this world believes that I am a genetic girl (GG). I am lucky that I am petite, I am only 5 ft, 100 lbs and my waist is 27. I have a high pitch voice and therefore I can talk like a GG. Though I told my wife about Jen 10 months ago, she has never met Jen. In this world, Jen goes out every weekday, hang out with friends, most of them retirees and housewives. During the week, Jen dances, plays bowling, tennis, pool, hiking, shopping, watches movies, girl talks with other GG at cafes,...she is enjoying life!

I am facing a big decision now and I don't know how much time I have to make the decision. MY WIFE IS NOT ACCEPTING JEN AT ALL, PERIOD! She told me that she cannot have another lady in our house, and either Jen disappear or my wife will move on without me. You see, I am happy in both my male and female world and I cannot give up either one of them. I love my wife very much and I want to spend the rest of my life with her, I even promised her that she will never see Jen and I will never mention Jen in front of her.

I have forwarded her with many articles about transgender and have written her many notes about my feeling, I also asked her to come to this site. So far, no progress, in fact, the situation is getting worst. These days, she cut me off from her world and never talk to me.

As much as I love her and want to be with her for the rest of my life, I have decided that I would just imaging that I have 'lost' my wive and live my life as a single person. Life is too short to be miserable. However, to respect her, Jen will never appear in front of her. She told me that we will not get a divorce for the sake of our kids.

So I will continue living in 2 separate worlds, but will I be happy? Will my wive be happy? I love her so much! I have thought many times about forgetting Jen's world all together and spend quality time with my wive for the rest of our life. In fact, I have done this twice since in the last 10 months but I failed and it has made the situation worst.

For all the GGs out here, will you help me to change my wife's position if it's still possible?

Everyone, if you were me, what would you do?

Sorry about such a long message, any feedback will be much appreciated, I am desperate!

You do realize you are pushing her away? Stop trying to change her mind at a time when she's not willing to listen!

You can either make the decisions together or she will make it for you. It sounds like you are in a position where a choice is made of the marriage and the dressing. If you don't back off, you won't be in a position to repair it. You won't be in a position to get her attention to change her mind when she's willing to accept it.

Life is too short to be miserable, so stop making her miserable. Respecting her goes past being your femme self in front of her. If you are willing to initiate a divorce over this, do so and good luck. And sheesh, if your kids are adults, I think they can handle a divorce. Staying married for their sake is silly.

Ten months of knowing about this is a short time. How do you know that it is just the concept of CDing that is bothering your wife? Does your wife have other concerns, such as you going out dancing without her? Do you dance with other GGs, or other men? Or having a rich social life where she is not involved? Does your wife know all the other people you spend so much time with? Does your wife feel neglected in any way?

Also, I'm sorry but I don't quite understand if you want to live in two separate worlds, or if you want to be single again? Or is it your wish to also be Jen at home, except your wife wants no part of this right now. Is you wife OK with the two separate worlds, or is she asking you to stop being Jen entirely, even when your wife is at work?

I think I can understand that your wife is feeling betrayed; by spending time as Jen without her knowing about it, and by hiding Jen from her so long, you have been living a double life that (to your wife) must feel like a lie. Every time in the last five years she has asked, 'how was your day?' and your reply hid the fact you were spending the day as female, has built up a lot of deception in your marriage. To many wives and longterm partners, the fact you felt it necessary to hide ANYTHING from them is a problem - much less something this big! I'm not sure if she will ever forgive you this deception.

I am not going to suggest that you do without Jen - clearly she is something you need in your life to feel whole - but it is also important to be aware of your wife's feelings and opinions. Her emotions are valid and real, even if they do not seem fair to you. Right now it may be a little tough to think of it this way, but her experience of transgendered people might just be you - so to say she will never have to see or deal with Jen, then send her a lot of information about transgender might feel like you are bringing Jen up by sending those articles to her.

If I were in your shoes, I would sit down with your wife and say to her that you love her very much, and that you will keep your two lives separate - if in the future she would like to know more about transgender she can come to this website or ask you for articles, but that you won't mention it again. And then, leave it at that. She may come around eventually - but that is her own choice, and not something you can force on her just because she married you.

I think if you can talk to her without bringing up transgender, and pay attention to her (maybe take her out dancing, or hiking, or shopping with you on her days off!) or do other nice things to show you care for her, you can slowly build back up from this last 10 months of pain. Remember, you have had 55 years to find out who you are, and she THOUGHT she knew for 27 years only to find out less than a year ago that she was wrong. That's a lot of stuff to work through. I think that since she wants to stay married, you'll have the chance to rebuild if you give it enough time and effort. Why is nothing worthwhile ever the easiest way to do it? :-)

One other thing I'd like to point out - the terms 'genetic male' and 'genetic female' refer to the chromosomes and genetics you were born with, xy or xx. There are many GGs on this board who may be a bit unhappy about the term being used in any other way, especially because so much about gender roles in any culture is learned and imprinted before children are 5. There are also many transwomen on this board who would feel insulted if anyone suggested they merely cross dressed. Instead of the phrases 'genetic male' and 'genetic female' you could say, male and female, or that you completely pass either way?

Best of luck!

On another site I belong to, about four years would be a reasonable time for your wife and yourself and your family to come to terms with your being 24/7.

You have not said what Jen has to offer your relationship? If your wife is continuing her career for another ten years or so, she will most likely have a high expectation of what life has to offer. Jen will not be able to keep up with this on a girlfriend/professional friend level; she is just too far behind in development. Also your wife's expression of not wishing to share her home with another woman has to be looked at carefully. Why should she have to share with another woman? Will your wife have to look for a sexual relationship elsewhere, too? There is so much to sort out that her basic acceptance goes nowhere near providing a solution to your problem.

Bear in mind that your wife has invested 27 years of her time, love, family and future in you. You are now taking away everything she has given and your retirement together as well.
Wake up and smell the coffee! This woman's life is in tatters! If someone did this to you would you have been as generous?
Try some gender counselling. Together.

Hi,
I am wondering why youv used the terms genetic male & genetic female because im intersexed & that can be different for many of those like us, is this about xx & or xy Karyotype or any other combo & have you had your tests done because if you are genetic as to both what are your hormons rated as, i;d like to understand a bit more .

hope you dont mind.

...noeleena...

I must admit that i do not understand how you can be a genetic male and a genetic female , something in between maybe but not two different ones at the same time, and if you say that you are perfectly happy to be ether why not be the one your wife wants as this should be no problem to you and to be honest i do not think it would be right for anyone to change your wife's position on it , helping someone to understand is a lot different than trying to change their mind .

when i first saw the term you used here as a genetic male & a genetic female, made me wonder whether you were born with both organs as meaning a hamphradite, as I have known people born with both and either live geninuinely as either a male, and function purely as a male, or function purely as a female. Usually in these circumstances as I know, the parents of children born like this are in shock but do get the chance to have this changed when the child reaches a certain age.
I have worked and had a friend that was born as both, was bought up male but, when they reached their teen years became more female in line with whom they wanted to be,.
with dire and devestating consequences.
The other lives as a male today,,, still retaining both male and female genitalia, is married has children and runs a farm.... an article was done in a magazine here not long ago.

so hence my surprise when i read your post. Its ok to be in touch with your feminine side as well as your male side sounds like you are totally in touch that
you can seperate the two. :battingeyelashes:

On reading this to me it looks as though you want the both of best worlds, and will do anything to have your wife turned around to accept how you are....even though you say you love her,
You need to understand how shes dealing with this and there should be a lot of communication going on..and jen should take a back seat till you sort things out .

Like Joanne F says and some of the other posters

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if you say that you are perfectly happy to be ether why not be the one your wife wants as this should be no problem to you and to be honest i do not think it would be right for anyone to change your wife's position on it , helping someone to understand is a lot different than trying to change their mind .

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Jennifer, I'm sure I could never solve your problems, but I do see that you are creating most of them. Take the advise of others and for gods sake...work on keeping your marriage together.

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Originally Posted by ReineD

Ten months of knowing about this is a short time.

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Jennifer,

IMHO, You need to give your wife, and yourself more time to deal with this revelation before you make any major relationship decisions.

I'm very confused. Is the second world (Jen's) a fantasy one? I dont understand how in the male world you dont want to be a woman if you tehn have a second world where you are one. I always think of a time in the future that I will have a world like Jen's. But in the persent time, that world is not going to happen because I have a wife like yours...

Jennifer, I have to strongly disagree with you!! You are a Genetic Male, but you are definitely NOT a Genetic Female!! You may dress and act like a female, but unless you have the surgery you are still a male underneath!!

The question that arises is how much do you really love your wife? You have been married for a long time and raised 2 wonderful children, but now you want her to bend to your way or live separately? Why did you wait so long to tell her you were a crossdresser? I may be totally wrong, but it appears to me that you are more in love with Jennifer (who is a figment of your imagination) than you are with your actual wife!! The 2 of you really need to sit down and have a very frank discussion about your activities!!

Actually even with the surgery, you will still be a genetic male. Nothing a surgeon can do will alter your chromosomes they remain XY not XX at least so far, we don't have that magic pill.

We play with the "roles" and we can alter our outer bodies but we cannot ever truly be a GG ever. Sorry.

At the very least you can "appear" to be a genetic female (really a constructed female). Sometime down the road there will be a need to integrate your life, bring the two together. Until that time it is really fantasy time 24/7 and nothing but fantasy time.

Jenn, my CDing experience is about 14+ years, and my experience online here about 3+ years.

Yet, many here think of me as a CD NEWBIE! I think u both need a LOT MORE TIME to figure out where you're going with your CDing, and how/if she can live with Jenn!

When u say u FEEL like a GW, does that mean u have considered a sex change? If so, THAT sounds like the end of your marriage FOR SURE!

No way Jose. You may THINK you are a genetic female but it ain't true. Sorry. You can only be one or the other.

S

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Originally Posted by Stephenie S

No way Jose. You may THINK you are a genetic female but it ain't true. Sorry. You can only be one or the other.

S

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Sorry of the wrong term used!

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Originally Posted by docrobbysherry

When u say u FEEL like a GW, does that mean u have considered a sex change? If so, THAT sounds like the end of your marriage FOR SURE!

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I would go for a sex change if not because of my family. When I am Jen, I feel 100% female though I am not a GG.

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Originally Posted by sissystephanie

Jennifer, I have to strongly disagree with you!! You are a Genetic Male, but you are definitely NOT a Genetic Female!! You may dress and act like a female, but unless you have the surgery you are still a male underneath!!

The question that arises is how much do you really love your wife? You have been married for a long time and raised 2 wonderful children, but now you want her to bend to your way or live separately? Why did you wait so long to tell her you were a crossdresser? I may be totally wrong, but it appears to me that you are more in love with Jennifer (who is a figment of your imagination) than you are with your actual wife!! The 2 of you really need to sit down and have a very frank discussion about your activities!!

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Again, I am so sorry for the wrong word that I used!!!

A lot of women would respond to the sudden knowledge of their husband's crossdressing by saying that the person they thought they knew turned out to be a total stranger. For most, that is an overstatement, as crossdressing really doesn't change much about us, except that we like to wear women's clothing on occasion. But to emulate a woman, present as one to other people who actually believe you're a woman, and to build a secret second life complete with another social circle around it really does bring out an entire facet of the person she thought she knew, and she would be correct in saying something like that. You really did create such a second life behind her back and without her knowledge. She probably feels like a fool, married to someone she doesn't know who might well be gay or a candidate for a sex change or any number of things that have likely crossed her mind.

In order for you to repair this kind of damage, you're going to need to be patient. It is going to take a long time for her to not feel like a fool who has been had, used, played for an idiot, and who has wasted 28 years of her life making her home with a complete stranger. And you may well not ever get her back.