Big first step with wife

I have been posting a lot about my journey with my wife. Mostly about me accepting myself and finding the courage to explore it with my wife.

Well, two nights ago I told her that I wanted to continue the conversation we had about a week prior. She said great. I told her about how I wanted her help to explore this side of me some more. I reassured her that I love her and want her support. Told her how I identify as gender queer or non binary. Told her that I struggle with why I want to do this. Told her that when I dress, I want to completely transition my appearance, and that just wearing a few pieces of clothing made didn?t make me feel good. She knows that it?s a turn on for me and she is ok with that, in fact she is encouraged that it may spice up our bedroom time. I?m usually more passive in that department, so to her, any think that gets my mojo going, she is all about it! Anyways, told her that I want her to help me find outfits, etc. together. She was totally ok with everything, and has really come to terms with this side of me since it came out a few years ago. She?s just waiting for me to be ok with it. So I?m very happy about all of this. I asked her is she had any questions or wanted to know more. Her response was no, as she has been waiting for me to say it for a long time. She just asked when can we start

Then she offered to do my makeup for me. I said yes! She is quite good and over the last few years has spent a lot of time watching tutorials and getting into it herself. She was a bit late to getting into makeup herself. She loves doing makeup for friends. I was absolutely amazed by how many layers of product went on. And how fast she did it all. She had a blast giving me a glam look. I think she enjoyed it more than myself! She was really proud of her work. BUT I felt horrible that looking at me with boy hair and a plain white tshirt on, I felt gross. I shared with her that I loved it and she did an amazing job that it felt uncomfortable for me to just have the makeup on without the rest of the ensemble. I don?t think she understands that fully, and I know she is uncomfortable with wigs. So I guess we?re figuring this all out.

Happy ending to the night with great bedroom time with my makeup on. It ended up being fun foreplay and really, I am very happy about the night. I shared that I was worried that she would find me repulsive and unattractive, and she reassured me that it wasn?t the case.

I feel very grateful that I have such an accepting SO and feel horrible for those people whose SOs are not accepting. It breaks my heart. It motivates me to explore this, and not take it for granted on account of my own dumb hesitations! Also feel a bit silly for not feeling good about the makeup that she did, but I can?t deny that feeling though.

That's good news, but be sure to take it slow and easy and go at her pace.

So happy for you!!!! I hope this brings a new closeness between you and your sweet wife.

Nice to read accounts of acceptance by wives. Looks like you're going to have a Happy New Year.

Wow- this is so great!
She sounds like she is well ahead of you and you might want to ask her to talk to you about what she sees, what she thinks you feel, what she feels, etc and keep it very trusting and just stop if it gets hard- since that means that some nerve is being touched, so needs special care and going back a few steps.

I think the answer re makeup is that she sees it as a way to create a look and the understanding is that it is a banner message- and she thinks, obviously that it is just fine to have it be neck up only- since that is how she thinks about it.

There is theoretically no difference in legitimacy between makeup and wig in terms of being a surface application to create a new surface appearance, but her feelings are a great example of how we humans process our messaging.

Go with the boy cut fashion statement now and let your hair grow!

I know for myself the biggest thing is accepting myself as a woman, and not feeling like my appearance is needed to prove it. I think that females who are secure, like your wife, wouldn't feel less of a woman in tshirt and unshaven- just that they haven't dressed up and made themselves femininely attractive in those dimensions yet. She has fully extended that safety to you.

I have found that when I am feeling I am a woman in emotional state then I want to be dressed in certain ways, but when I am not, I try to think of my sisters who are dressed in plain unfeminine clothes, and find a little comfort in just realizing that it isn't my preference, but soon enough I will be able to enjoy my dresses. Most women today do not get to look their desired best most of the time- which is not great, but I imagine if I complained to one, she would say, well- welcome to the woman's world!

Candice, I know that feeling. When I dress, I like all or nothing. I really dislike seeing myself halfway, and dislike it more if my wife sees me that way. I don't let it get me down, though. I know I'm beyond fortunate to have an accepting and supportive wife. I just motor through it. It's on me, anyway. She could care less how I'm dressed, and at what stage.

Congratulations for your decision and courage. A successful giant forward. I told my to-be wife, thinking she?d sprint. She didn?t and became totally supportive. Having done professional modeling, she?s helped and shown me how to do my makeup.
We maintain a sense of humor. She rolls her eyes when I wear my underwire bras and hose. I just smile. As mentioned, take it slow and be honest. Don?t prejudge.

How wonderful for u, Candace! You're very lucky to have such an accepting, even participating SO! But, u know that!:heehee:

But, either u or I am confused by a few things in your post? U say you're non binary but complain about "not completing" your transition a few times?:straightface:

And, how can u fool around in the bedroom covered in makeup with making a huge mess?:eek:

God bless you both! I do envy you. Enjoy your experiences together

Very good. Can we say that 2021 is the year of Cross Dressers?

You are very fortunate to have such a wonderfully accepting wife. I agree with taking it slow but it does sound like you are on solid footing.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by docrobbysherry

How wonderful for u, Candace! You're very lucky to have such an accepting, even participating SO! But, u know that!:heehee:

But, either u or I am confused by a few things in your post? U say you're non binary but complain about "not completing" your transition a few times?:straightface:

And, how can u fool around in the bedroom covered in makeup with making a huge mess?:eek:

---

Yes, I do know that I am lucky. I am so grateful for her, not just for this. I?ve been telling her a lot just how much I appreciate her recently.

I define non binary in a few ways. I exist as male mode most of the time. Usually when I?m lazy about it. I find pride at times looking at the stubbly dude in the mirror with some manly body features. When I want to dress up in male mode, I find myself reaching for the softer colours textures, fun patterns, etc. My wife and I were looking at some photos recently, when we went out for dinner and a ballet (remember those times?). I was taken aback that I appeared a bit like a tomboy, as in, a boyish girl. Without thinking of it, I appeared quite feminine. And then there is the side of me that wants to look completely feminine. I guess right now I am comfortable at either end of the gender presentation and in the middle, too. But apparently only in specific combinations.

Thanks all for the suggestion to take it slow. Now that we?ve had this experience, I want to progress right away to presenting totally feminine with her.. but I know I need to take it at her pace.. I need to clarify what that pace is..

If you can't wear a wig, have you tried to make your hair in a feminine way? Many women have a short haircut. If you have a short hair as a male, doing your hair in a way similar to this shouldn't be very hard to achieve. For this type of result I usually comb my hair back first while air drying and then use wax to put it sideways or back to the front. It may seem boyish but it's actually very feminine and does well with light makeup.

I don't have very much hair on my head, except around the fringes. The first time I went out as Steffi, I wore a scarf over my head to hide the male pattern baldness but still look feminine. You may want to try that as a step towards wearing a wig.

If you decide to get a wig, try to get your wife to come with you to a local wig store. I say that not because my wife has seen me dressed, never mind with a wig, but it was a very empowering experience for me to o to a wig store alone and buy myself a wig (after my first time out).

Very happy for you Candice. I only wish my wife was even 1/100th as accepting as your wife. You are lucky.

When I got to dress up at all I was usually so aroused by bed time it became a night of memorable love making with my wife. So she became much more supportive.

You are such a lucky girl! I so wish my wife would do as yours is doing, she is an artist with makeup and would love for her to do me up! Going out as a couple of girls might be fun!

Your awesome wife sounds a lot like my awesome wife, she is very accepting and I try not to push it too much on her. She is usually the one to suggest things and it makes it fun for both of us. Allowing yourself to be open around her is an amazing feeling, so happy for you. What helped my wife somewhat, was when I got a makeover and she watched the entire process and the makeup artist talked with her the whole time.

Update on latest conversation:

We realized that we had different ideas in our minds of what this all meant for our relationship! It was a difficult conversation, but I think we have a clear path to the next steps.

I brought up the topic of following up from our last interaction. I mentioned that I would love her help to shop online and create an outfit for me to put on next time I dressed up.

Apparently, she had a vision of this being just a sexual thing (maybe call it a fetish habit). She is supportive of that, in part, because she can see a role that she plays in it. Where, when it turns me on, she gets to have a more interesting and lively bedroom time. She thought that a pair of panties would be enough to fulfill this, or the makeover session from a few days prior.

I had a vision of her helping me glam up with a head to toe feminine look.

I told her that at one level it is a sexual thing. But, for an unexplained reason, what makes it a fulfilling experience for me is to have a complete transition. Just having makeup or just wearing panties made me feel somewhat uncomfortable. Made me feel like a dude in panties. I shared with her that at one time, this would have been enough. There was a time that just putting on panties and or pantyhose/stockings, or slip on shoes would have been risqu? enough to fill that desire.

She finds the idea of me completely transforming my appearance to female with a wig, clothes, etc., seemed incongruent with what she thought this meant to me. She was concerned that I was questioning my gender if I desire to take the transformation all the way. She is also concerned that if I completely transform, there will be no benefit to her. She?ll just be my personal makeup artist. And then what? What?s the plan after that, she asked. I agreed that it?s a very valid question. What does one do in the evening all glammed up with nowhere to go. Seems like a lot of work. I totally agree. She finds the act of me taking on a character, especially with feminine mannerisms, voice, etc to be unsettling.

So I reassured her that:
-I am completely secure in my masculinity. As in I don?t see a path to transitioning full time.
-I love her and want her to be involved in the process. I don?t want this to be a closet experience, hidden away. I want to explore this side of me for the specific desire to open up to her more in a sexual manner. Thought being is that when I become more secure and confident in my own desires, wants and needs, we will have a more fulfilling sex life. Most of that aspect has been infrequent and at times dull.
-I shared that it?s new territory for me as well in many regards, and that although I may not know how I am going to feel about certain things, that I will be open and honest about how I feel.
-I shared that I understand that the character aspect of it doesn?t make sense to me either. I don?t care to act as a female character or change my mannerisms to an unrecognized level. But nonetheless, I am pulled to fit into that complete transformation temporarily. I take note that for many people here, if they can, they find comfort being in the house in women?s clothes for the day as a relaxing or comforting experience. I don?t foresee that for me, though I realize that it?s something that I may be heading for.

She reassured me that she loves me and wants to support me. That she isn?t repulsed by the sight of me in makeup or the thought of me dressed up. For her, what gets her going is anything masculine or feminine. A masculine body in female clothes, a woman in butch clothes... All masculine, all feminine. The underlying factor is the personality behind it all. The connection between two people.

We came to an agreement as follows:
-As long as crossdressing doesn?t become the only time I am interested in sex, she will be ok with it. I will work towards initiating sex with her to give her confidence that she is the object of my desire at least 2X a week. One of those times can involve dressing.
-We will proceed slowly from where we are now. Our next steps should not be me acquiring a whole outfit and getting dolled up. She bought me a few things when things when this came out about 10 years ago as a show of support, but I have not shared my experience with her since then.

I have come to the realization that this is in many ways my own problem. Where, had I been forthcoming in the early days of our relationship, we could have explored this at the same time. But, since a lot of my exploration was in secret, I have progressed without her feeling comfortable along the way. I had already completely transformed by myself with my own wig, lingerie, clothes She is lagging in the progression of the exploration of this side of me. What I need to do is suck it up. Deal with that screw up on my part and take it slow so that she can catch up. I have to do a better part in explaining what my desires are. I realize just now that I haven?t explained that it?s very common, if not the norm, for men with crossdressing tendencies to want to completely transform their experience. Yet live happily in their male form most of the time.

Hi Candice.

I understand what you are saying about a wig.

When I learned about makeup, I went to a beauty salon and was taught by a makeup artist. This was done in two sessions, the first dealt with the overall face, the second dealt only with eyes. For the first session I went in drab mode. It looked really a little strange when I looked in the mirror with the makeup on and in boy mode. The second session I went all in. Full dress, wig, I did the face makeup and the makeup artist was going to teach me about doing my eyes. This was also the first time I went out the door. It was a big day for me.

The second session was like night and day. When we were done I sat staring into the mirror and I saw a girl. My male features were gone and the makeup was highlighting my girly features. I left the salon feeling so convinced I looked like a girl, I went to the mall on the way home. Remember this was the first day I was out in girl mode. Going to the mall was like over the top. Wow.

The wig made a huge difference.

c2Candice,

First congratulations on your first step with your wife. Being able to speak with her about your feelings about who you are and how far you would like to go is wonderful. Quality time with your wife is always important and I wish you luck with your journey with her being so accepting.

I didn’t read all the comments. However, let me be the first to say take baby steps, especially if she didn’t know about your dressing prior to marriage. Even if she wants to help or spend time with you being more comfortable, make that time about her being comfortable with you. Sometimes we allow our emotions to get the best of the moment and we end up being the center of attention when the center of attention needs to be her at all times.

I don’t mean to be Miss Negativity or a Debby Downer. Just take baby steps, and communicate as often as possible and be open to her body language she will “tell” you if she isn’t comfortable even if she says she is just to make you comfortable and happy.

@-}——-
Michelle