Why are we afraid?

Hello Ladies,

I just posted a current photo of myself in another thread after thinking long and hard about whether I wanted to show my real self to the forum. In my avatar and profile photos I'm wearing wigs, so it would be a little challenging for someone who knew me to know it was me. But in this one I'm posing with my real hair and just a little makeup, so anyone who knows me (and knows I have long hair and can imagine it not in the pony tail I always have it in while out in public in male mode) would be able to identify me. So why did I post it? Mostly I figure anyone looking at a crossdressing forum is probably either a crossdresser themself or curious about us and most likely would be accepting of our lifestyle. So actually, while I've previously been worried about being "caught" by someone looking at my forum photos, on the contrary, if someone recognizes me and lets me know, I will have made a new friend, or an acquaintance (former co-worker, etc.) might become a good friend. I think it's highly unlikely that someone with bad intent will search crossdressing websites looking for people they know, only intending to "out" them and "shame" them to their family and friends. I realize that some of our members simply want total privacy, or aren't ready to show themselves, and/or are just shy. But everyone else? What do y'all think?

Cheers,
Larissa

In my case, despite apparently being the only Costa Rican on the forum, I like to keep some anonymity on the web in general. I rarely, if ever, use my name or anything that references my name, so a picture of me is out of question, at most, maybe, just maybe, a picture where any of my hands can be seen, if I'm trying to show an object.

i guess because there are also alot of people out in the world who hate us for whatever reason and people dont want to potentially deal with that hate and the trouble that can bring even if it actually happens rarely some or alot even prefer to stay private. it's sad but i get it. im open on here and one other site online but all my other social network profiles donot mention this side of me ever, i dont mind people knowing but not everyone has to know.

I just think, without a wig, I just look scary (I don't want to scare anyone) - and old.
Also, someone copied a photo of me (with wig on) from my blog, for anti-trans propaganda, not something I want my face used for.

Attachment 323736

Great question, glad you brought it up.
I am afraid to post my full picture, and I don?t like admitting to myself I?m fearful.
I guess I don?t post face pictures for the same reason I?m not out in real life. Me as a cross dresser is so opposite of how people see me. The cognitive dissonance would be loud and uncomfortable. I?m afraid some of My co-workers and friends would be very negative, and it would definitely be weird at work. They have a clear LGBTQ acceptance policy, but it wouldn?t go well. My family would probably handle it ok.

And on top of that, I am distrustful of the internet, and internet privacy. Maybe more than I need to be.

I?ve sometimes wondered if I was hacked and then blackmailed about being a cross dresser what I would do. And pretty sure I?d go the police and accept being outed. Maybe that would make life easier?

So I?m glad your post has me thinking about this, and maybe I?ll post some photos in dresses later this month. Warning, like Rachelakld?s photo, it won?t be with a wig.

I do not post pictures because I do not have the expertise and proper camera. That's of course slops over into requests by companies/people for any picture for any purpose. I also have no inclination to post a picture. It's privacy thing. Wearing women's clothing and emulating a woman (wig/makeup) is a private affair.

If one wants to seek out "evidence" for some reason that person is going to have to enroll in the forum and then post sufficient comments to proceed into the various areas. I can imagine someone would come here to gain "evidence" for some reason. A wife looking for "evidence" for some nefarious reason; divorce, child custody, blackmail, outing him. It's all possible. There are persistent "busy bodies."


My wife knows I am on this site because I had left it open and had to do something. I forgot to come back to it. All she said was I should be more careful because someone may come behind me and see it; visiting family member, friend. My wife or any wife can peruse all of the comments in the general section. If she reads comments, she or anyone else may decide to enroll.

By nature, I do prefer a degree of privacy and I have found my picture in random google searches, so there is that. But more that either of those, I tend to cringe at seeing pictures of myself in either mode.

Haters. And people that claim to be tolerant on the outside, but can impact your life by affecting your employment, or outing you without your knowledge or consent.

For a long time I was very nervous about the world finding out about me.
I was a well know business man and had a huge amount to risk.

Since I have retired, That is no longer an issue. The only risk I had then
was my father finding out. My ex-wife really put me on the spot with him.
I told him and he didn't seem to care one way or the other

Now all the world that I care about knows the other side of me. And if someone is snooping
and does find a picture of me, Then first of all why are they looking for crossdressers.
and second of all, they can't do any damage to me now. :) :) :)

I believe we have many reasons to be afraid. Hacking seems to be increasing more and more. For a long time, I didn?t post a picture for this site. I recently did in spite of my trepidations. Actually, at this point, don?t care.

Yeah it some said that they saw you as female on a CD and / or a gay site , they would first have to explain why they they were on that site begin with.

As short true story..
Years ago, there was a gay bar just outside of town that also featured drag shows on Saturday nights.
By coincidence, a gay bartender there was also my neighbor down the street . and I was more or less friends with his straight older brother..
Where I lived at the time, I has to pass that bar on my way home..
So, occasionally, I would stop in there for a beer etc.
I even went there for the drag sows on Saturday nights and even went there as a female. a couple of times for the drag shows. .

Anyway, this bartender in question explained it to me this way...
Everyone in that bar was about like me in they did not want most to know that they were there either. So, no one would say anything about who or what they saw there.

.
. . .

I am "Afraid" because I don't want ignorant people thinking I am gay. Now, I personally do not have anything against GAY people, but a lot of people out there do. And with enough troubles, I do NOT need to add to them by having to endure the unfortunate hassles and abuse Gay people have to put up with. SO I stay extra careful and do not go out or take foolish chances.

One can either live their life for themselves or let someone else run it who could not care less what you think of them.

Human nature being what it is, someone who wants to "out" someone does so because they think the person does not want to be outed
Otherwise they get no charge or satisfaction from it.

Remember that "Brer Rabbit" pleaded not to be thrown into the briar patch because that is exactly what he wanted to happen, as rabbits are right at home in briar patches
The point is people who get a charge out of screwing with people do so because they think the person will not like it.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Rachelakld

I just think, without a wig, I just look scary (I don't want to scare anyone) - and old.
Also, someone copied a photo of me (with wig on) from my blog, for anti-trans propaganda, not something I want my face used for.

---

Rachel, you don't look scary or old (maybe "mature"!). Funny, my wife says she doesn't want to scare anyone if she goes out without lipstick! To my knowledge, she never has - not even me!!

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts on this serious issue. I can relate most closely with Barbara Jo’s second post. I would just add that it’s easier for me to adopt this attitude because I’m retired so don’t have to worry about any professional repercussions if outed to colleagues or bosses. I would not be happy if outed to my grown children; I’m sure it would come as a shock to them (as it did to my now-supportive wife), but they would eventually be fine. It might be weird for my grandkids, but they’ve been exposed to all kinds of relationships, genders, races, ethnicities, etc. in their young lives, so finding out that their pony-tailed grandpa also likes to wear dresses and makeup shouldn’t be a big deal. (If anyone has outed themselves or been outed to grandkids under 10 or so, I’d like to hear how they handled it.)

Also, the forum doesn’t have my real name, and I use a completely separate email address (also not my real name) for forum communications. So I think my forum photos would be the only way anyone would be able to attempt to identify me. OK, I suppose a sophisticated hacker could trace my forum sessions to the IP address of my computer and hack into it to try to find personal information. But they’d be sadly disappointed, because I don’t keep any personal information on this computer!!

I can understand the concerns expressed here by others and respect the choices and protections taken according to your individual situations. Happy and safe Cding to all!

Hugs,
Larissa

I don't post pictures mainly because I like some level of privacy, even if it may be delusional to some extent since the things we write here, the email accounts we create to register, etc. may probably be enough once linked to identify us as individuals with some amount of "big data" mining. But I don't think any big company has an incentive to identify CDers by name... or maybe the ones selling clothes and makeup ;).
And I don't seek advices or comments about my presentation so don't post in the pictures section either. But if I did would probably blur the face before posting to defeat face recognition.
In all honesty if someone found me out at work or in my friend or family circle it would not be the end of the world*. But it may make my life difficult professionally. However since I don't go out and have no FB/Flicker/whatever account for "Diane" it will probably never happen.

-- EDIT --
*I evolved on that question since I came out to my wife and wouldn't have said that two years ago.

When I first found this site, I was terrified to join, fearing that I would somehow get "found out" and my job would be at risk (clearances, etc.)
I finally got up the nerve to join (and post something) - and guess what? Nothing happened!
Eventually, I gather up enough nerve to put up an avatar picture of myself, figuring it didn't look like the male version of me. Again, no angry, torch carrying mobs.

I've since retired, so no job threat, but I still don't really ever post pictures.
Why? Well, because I don't take pictures.
Why? Well, because I very rarely get fully dressed up any more - and a "mixed mode" picture of me isn't something that anyone needs to be subjected to.

I can't get fully dressed because my wife doesn't want to be exposed to it, and we're practically joined at the hip these days. I haven't been away from her for more than a couple hours in the last 3-4 years - and that was when I had to be out and doing "guy" stuff.

Fear? afraid? Yes, I guess so. I'm afraid of hurting or upsetting my beloved wife. I fear losing her.
I try not to push the boundaries of our (partial) DADT agreement. It gets really hard sometimes, though.

Having lived through a childhood where I was beaten by older sibling and neighbor boy, quickly conditioned never to fight back because it always resulted in a much worse beating, I started school absolutely terrified of getting into fights. Branded as a coward, I became the punching bag for pretty much every other boy in my class. New nasty kid in class? Simple, beat up on the sissy boy who won't fight back. Needless to say, K-12 school was a nightmare.
Grown up, I got huge and nobody bothered with me. But I know how it works; get known as a sissy, and potentially become the target of every guy who wants to prove how tough he is, by beating up the sissy. Oh, I don't have to worry about losing the fight anymore, I'm big and strong enough to beat the crap out of most others. But as an adult, you go to jail for beating people up, and I just don't feel the need to go through my life as 'a boy named Sue', having to fight my way through, and dealing with all the trouble it causes, just to further 'the cause'. I don't want to be a martyr.

So you be a front line soldier, and show the world that sissies can fight well, too, to all the homophobic tough guys out there. And YOU go to jail, and to court, and tell the judge that you didn't start the fight, you just ended it. See how much you like spending lots of time in jail and courts, defending your right to be a sissy. Sure, you'll always come out on top in the end, but that's not how I want to spend my life, getting into fights because people hate me for no valid reason.

As we've seen there are tens of millions of people out there who absolutely hate others for no valid reason. And I refuse to go out and metaphorically proclaim, 'You want a piece of me? Well, come on then!' to every guy who hates sissies and feels like getting into a fight to prove his manhood to himself.

There are plenty of people who hate us out there. Deny it if you want. But all it takes is one of them to ruin your day, your week, your month, or your life. And on the nights that most of us would like to go out, so do the drunken jerks, just waiting for a reason to vent their life's frustrations onto us in a violent way.

And my opinion is, don't poke the racist, misogynist, homophobic, nasty monster with a stick, unless you like getting into fights. It's just stupid.

Lexi - I'm so sorry you had to go through such abuse in your childhood, and completely understand your concerns and fears about the racists, misogynists, homophobes, and nasty monsters out there. That's the main reason I haven't gone out of the house fully en femme at all, let alone to a club or bar, even in the nicer areas of town. It's just not worth risking an encounter with one of those ignorant, insecure drunks, because I have a temper when pressured, so it would be difficult to walk away. And I don't ever want to go to jail! My initial post was primarily concerned with the possibility of being outed from someone seeing a photo of me on the forum, which is not a big concern, for me at least. Anyway, I'm glad you feel safe here, and I've enjoyed reading many of your posts.

Hugs,
Larissa

I feel "safe" here, more or less--- I have a completely different name and e-mail. I even post photos ---As I look entirely DIFFERENT in a wig and makeup than my male self. NO ONE would ever guess. I am proud of how I can make myself look and like to show off a bit. Yes, a clever hacker could still likely expose me, But WHY? And it would certainly be a LOT of trouble for what? So why worry, if they don't know who I am to begin with?

I guess for some it all comes down to how different they look as a female than male.
However, consider that a lot of people look similar to each other and you could always deny it was you on those grounds
.
Of course, if someone does not want their wife to know, all bets are off .

re: "Why are we afraid?"

Because in the real world, (outside, not in computer land), crossdressing is seen by many people as perverted. Dressing in clothes intended for women, wearing women's wig, "fake" boobs, etc.

You don't have to like it, you don't have to agree with it, but you are pretty naive if you don't think it is true.

Being "different" and being a suspected "pervert" makes life difficult and it's easier to get through life if you just don't allow your "hobby" to become public.

Hi Krisi,

I don't know if you were specifically directing your post to me or someone else, but as the originator of this thread I feel the need to reiterate that I was only referring to being recognized from photos on this forum, and possibly being outed by a friend or family member who was "lurking" and recognized you. I am just as afraid to go out in public as many other CDs because of our society's ridiculous double standard, which is why I haven't and may never. I hope this clears up what the intent of the thread was.

Cheers!
Larissa

I have good friends, long time friends that I am certain they would not accept this side of me. They are a bit "rigid" when it comes to gay, or trans people. They accept it is around them, but have a not in their backyard attitude. It is hard to risk loosing a 50 year friendship. I suppose good friends would deal with it, but will not take the chance.

I live in a very conservative area and I'm sure would face a lot of rejection/criticism if it was to come out that I dabbled in women's clothing from time to time. I will say that since I've retired, some of that fear has gone away but it still is there. Besides, as others have mentioned, hacking seems to be more and more common nowadays. While I really doubt if many hackers would try to exploit a site like this, there is still that possibility and that's a chance I don't feel I want to take.

The other reason is that I've not found that right combination of clothing for someone my size. My pictures would be more appropriate for Hoaalween as opposed to a site like this one. :)

Lacy PJs

II don't think that some people can handle the truth. Take my dad, for instance. I think most people would agree that he was homophobic. But then that was the 60's and 70's. I can't provide any statistics, but I think most people were back then. I certainly never told him, so I assume he went to the grave not knowing about me.

He was also an Army veteran, Army of Occupation, Japan. during the Vietnam War, I eventually turned against the war. I was in college when they removed the college deferment and instituted the draft. Fortunately, I had a high draft number and didn't have to come out to my dad as anti-war. It wouldn't have gone over well.

But in 1990, I went with him to see the [Vietnam] wall. It was one of the few times I ever saw him cry. All he could say was, "Why did all those soldiers have to die?" In those 20 years, he completely switched sides.