I should have known?

It was only later in life that I came to the realization that I was female. And it was a long hard road for me to finally accept the truth. But when I think back, it?s something I should have known all along. Yeah, there was the fact that I enjoyed borrowing my mother?s clothes, which I did frequently, but there was much more than that. Two things come to mind. On weekends my father was always in the basement doing his woodworking and my brothers (I have several) were all down there with him. My mother used to bake on weekends, and I preferred to help her in the kitchen.

When my maternal grandmother came to visit, she and my mother would sit at the kitchen table and chat, mostly my grandmother sharing gossip from back home. I loved these conversations, and would join them whenever I could. My brothers never did. They were off doing more manly things, I guess.

Bizarrely enough, I?m considered the "macho man" of my family. I was the only one who played sports in high school, the only one who worked on construction, and the only one who joined the Army, or any branch of the military. But I should have known ?

If any of you have similar stories, I?d love to hear them.

I am not sure I can ever be quite so certain about my gender identity, but I do recall a few things from my upbringing that are similar to yours. Some are only impression deep past times, like having been referred to in a performative manner as a house-boy, whatever that was. I just remember thinking it had to do with not being male enough. I remember my aunts gushing over me for being good with my infant nephew?and fearing yet again that I had betrayed this inadequately masculine aspect of myself. I learned fairly early to pursue whatever was masculine, if for no other reason than to provide cover.

Seems like you don't need to worry about cover anymore. I first started dressing at about age 4 or 5. And I always envied the young women in my early classes who wore tights. Then they started to wear stockings (at about age 10) and the envy was even deeper. I was hooked, and always have been.

Your story resonates deeply within me Cynthia. Not long after finding this forum I asked myself that very question, and had a truly forehead smacking doh! moment. Of course I should have known, but when I was growing up in the 60s and 70s we just weren't very aware of gender issues the way we are today, how could I have known? I knew I was different, but how do you classify yourself in the 1970s when you feel like a girl in most ways, but are not attracted to boys at all? It was confusing to say the least. If I have to pick a single memory that should have clued me in, it would have to be the way I felt when I saw a romantic movie kiss, the way women would swoon in those older 50s movies struck a chord within me, I wanted to be the woman being kissed, just not by that hairy guy if you know hat I mean.

The only thing that I am certain about my gender identity is that I have one. I've no clue what it is, but I have one :)

I remember a time when I was young that I had washed my hands. I was wiggling my fingers over the sink to get water off of them. My mother said, "Don't do that. Only girls do it that way!" Hmmm.

I didn't have a father growing up. I had some influences, but 95% of my upbringing was with my mom or nanny. I have brothers, but no sisters. I don't think I got taught how to be "macho". Probably for the best.

I knew from earliest memories that I wanted to be dressed in women's clothes. I was my mom's last chance to have a girl. I think she secretly wished I had been.

Cynthia,

Wonderful story and share. I would be lying if I said none of what you described was significant to me. All the tributes except playing sports. I goofed around and did more self destructive things. As far as baking goes, mother didn?t do that. I actually spent much of my time in a bar with both mother and father and/or left home as a latchkey kid, ( think that is the correct word). So yes I was aware, but denied it until probably 8 or 10 months ago.

Jess 😊

Hmm - No, I guess I can't use the phrase "I should have known" for myself.
I did know. From my earliest memories, I knew that I was supposed to have been born a girl.
I just didn't know what to do about it, or that anything was even possible. I was born too soon (early 50's). Back then, such things as transgenderism or crossdressing were unheard of - especially in "the sticks" of upper New England where I grew up. I'd have been crucified if anyone found out, so I hid - deep in the back of the darkest closet I could find.

Still - I wasn't very successful in my "being a boy." I was quiet, shy, not particularly interested in sports, hunting, cars, or most of the things the boys I grew up with, were.

When we were told to "go outside and play" I'd often go off by myself and walk the woods or ride my bike. Later on, I'd managed to "liberate" a couple dresses from my grandparents' attic and I'd go where I'd hidden them and dress up and be a girl for a while.

I learned how to knit and crochet, but being a kid, I never had the patience to actually MAKE anything. In my adult years I took up cross-stitch and made some very nice pieces.

I'd spend hours with my mom or grandmother, working on jigsaw puzzles, while my brothers were off doing -whatever they did.

I enjoyed making fudge at my grandmother's - but never took to much else when it came to cooking.

I was the "sissy" kid, who wasn't into rough and tumble. I'd be tucked away somewhere with a book - escaping into some other-world of science fiction or fantasy.


So no - I can't say "I should have known." It's more like "how could every one else NOT have known?"

Wonderful story, Cynthia, and it does bring back memories. Although I was not as defined as you apparently were and still are, I had plenty of that in my personality as well. In fact, one of my deceased aunts reminded me a few years ago of the way I was as a young boy - "A girl in so many ways." I loved sneaking into my mother's bedroom when she and my father were gone and, to use the word you used, "borrowing" my mother's clothes for a bit of joyous fun. But that really is not that unusual.

As a boy I loved to hang around with women and join into or at listen to their conversations which I often found more interesting that the conversations men had which I often found really boring - still that way. And sometimes I would join in. Now I always join in. I engaged in some activities that women did. I learned to knit when I was 5 years old from an older woman. I liked cooking and baking which paid off in Junior High School when I took Home Economics (sewing, cooking, cleaning, etc.) that both both girls and boys had to take. I got the highest grade in the class. Made some of the girls wonder who this boy is.

One funny thing was my uncle who was about 7 at the time while I was 12 was over at my home. (Uncle younger than me? Yes. Long story.) I was making a cake and he was watching. He suddenly blurted out, "You are going to make someone a good wife someday." We laughed about that, but deeper down I thought, "Now that would be a good outcome. I think I would like that."

Today I do most of the cooking in our household as well as a number of other traditionally and stereotypically female activities. I enjoy it and it makes me feel good inside to fix a good meal and have my wife complement me. However, between about age 14 and 30 all of those female-like aspects vanished. They came and went between about 30 and 67. At 67 (10 years ago) they came back and there is no signs they are leaving - but they might. I don't think about that aspect - I enjoy the present.

So conclude that, in a sense, I knew and have known all along that I am part girl in terms of gender behaviors. And I have no intention of changing that equation.

Well I began trying on my mothers tights, what are probably called leggings today, when I was about 10 or 11. This was the 1960's so the climate was very different back then. Back then gay was considered an affront to the norms of the times. Transgender was not even a word and the explanation would have been met with pitchforks, tar and feathers. So I hid my feelings and went on with life. Married, children, job, etc. Who knows what would have been if I were in my 20, today. Transition? Perhaps. Out more? Definitely. But I have no regrets. I have had a good life with lovely children and grandchildren and an understanding 2nd wife lol. Overall I can't complain. Everyone has questions as to what they would have done in different scenarios. My view is that you play the hand your'e dealt. And In my case looking objectively I've had a winning hand.

Sounds like you fell into the I'm not a girl trap. Doing all the macho manly man things. Many of us do this I think.

lived in the kitchen, learned to bake, cook, knit, sew, did everything the females around me did by the time I was 10.
Joined the military (my brain was good with maths & science).
Today at the age of 57, I was 8 meters up a tree, suspended on a single rope, with a chainsaw, trimming the tree.

The girl in me is a very different person.

Hi Cynthia , like you I started borrowing mothers clothes. I spent a lot of my early years with my mother and aunt while my father worked away.Like Linda I envied the girls at school wearing tights and stockings which stirred my curiosity.But like you I played macho sports like football.I originally worked in road haulage and warehousing.

Cynthia I read your brief bio. You and I are of the same period; Viet Nam veteran. In reading your post there is a similarity to me. To me, all it suggests you were not sticking yourself in the same box as those around you. Your interests were greater than those assigned by societal norms and expectations, even if that describes it. I learned to cook along side my dad, who was half orphaned and had to fend for himself. He taught my how to make breakfast while my mother slept in. I cherish my memories of playing board games and cards with my grandmother and building projects with my grandfather in his workshop.

I don't know what "macho man" really means; other than you describe tasks women of that period generally did not engage in because society frowned upon it. I was in the infantry in Nam; wounded twice. As a kid I was rough and tumble; always in trouble and down at the principal's office. If someone was going to contest my "masculinity" because it becomes known I need to wear women's clothing at times; then I have all the credentials.

Maybe, I need to identify myself as a "hybrid." Sometimes I'm running on male; sometimes on female. Maybe, in your later years you decide to go all "female," whatever that is suppose to mean.