Starting a new life

Hello ladies !

It's been a while since i haven't posted anything on the forum but i keep reading your stories every now and then, which i enjoy very much :)

I don't know if this topic is in the right category though.

So, i'm going through a tough time since a little less than a year, i'm very depressed and a feeling of letting everything behind and move to another place is getting stronger and stronger. I'm the kind of girl who plans her life WAY TOO MUCH, and i realized it doesn't make me happy at all. So recently i have been thinking about just moving out and see where things lead me.

I'm writing this to get some little information as i thought about moving to the US (and more precisely in the big cities). For those of you ladies who happen to be live in big cities : how do you live your crossdresser/trans life ? Do you think it's safe ? also, as i don't know anybody, is it easy to make friends/find a job being out ?

I'm sorry if this post sounds weird, but that's just some questions i have in mind :daydreaming:

Thank you all

Ringo

Washington DC can be a very friendly place for CDs, transgenders and a whole lot more life styles. If you decide to come to America just make sure you do it legally.

Large cities will have higher crime rates usually but not always.
Always crowded and takes forever to get anywhere.
Why do you want to live in a big city if I may ask?

Danielle : thank you for your advice
Washington DC seems nice and of course I'll come legally to US, I wouldn't dare moving otherwise !

Tracii : I'm interested in large cities because I would like to experiment the life there, as I have mostly lived in small towns/countryside here. I also have the feeling that I didn't fully enjoyed my 20's yet (I have been in depression) and I want to change that before I get to settle down
What place would you recommend ?

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Originally Posted by ringo

Hello ladies !

So, i'm going through a tough time since a little less than a year, i'm very depressed and a feeling of letting everything behind and move to another place is getting stronger and stronger. I'm the kind of girl who plans her life WAY TOO MUCH, and i realized it doesn't make me happy at all. So recently i have been thinking about just moving out and see where things lead me.

Ringo

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Ringo, I have moved many times in many countries. Sometimes for adventure, sometimes for escape. I have two thoughts for you - 1) Sometimes moving away from depression or other problems is sometimes refered to as the "geographical cure". I've done so and for awhile the newness has been exciting, but then found that my 'baggage' seems to arrive on the next bus. Just food for thought.

Ineke

Do you want to live on the east coast or west coast or inland? L.A./California is VERY expen$ive but L A. and Hollywood are trans-friendly as is San Francisco but again very costly to live in. I've spent my life (65 yo) in California and can't wait to leave it next year when I retire. I've always been in the big city and am going to relocate to a small town. I'm tired of the rat race and hustle and bustle. Good luck in your new endeavor.
Jon

I think it depends on your bank account. Some of the most liberal & diverse cities are the most expensive. We're talking $2000/mo and up for a small apartment, likely with roommates. San Francisco is nuts right now with housing. Good luck even finding a place.

But it depends on how you express your life. Do you want to live 'out' as a trans woman in your daily life, or have an area close to you where you can dress out and go to trans friendly clubs on the weekend?

I second Joni's comment on California. I'm a west coast girl, originally, but even in places like LA of SF, there are boundaries. West LA, Santa Monica, ok. But other South Bay cities, maybe not so much. I'm sure you could find French enclaves in many of them (maybe not trans friendly) and visit first. Then write about it here! :)

My fully unqualified 2cents.
Jinny

Although I am not “out”, I would encourage you to consider the south. New Orleans specifically. There is a large trans community in New Orleans. I cannot speak of finding employment in transition however, I know of several service businesses that are very gay and trans friendly. I encourage you to visit several cities before jumping in head first.

My opinion is that California is on the frontlines of trans rights. It is expensive to live there.

Small town Eureka Springs, Arkansas is very trans friendly but I’m not sure of the employment opportunities.

I hope you find what you’re looking for.

There are many places in the US I feel are trans friendly but still a long way to go
Where I live the job market is very good so, do your research

Hi Ringo,

My experience is only positive living in Europe (Germany). During the last 10 years and more, I've been out in many small and especially large cities.
Some of them are Bremen, Bremerhaven, Berlin, Antwerpen, Rotterdam, Amsterdam, London, Philadelphia, New York and many more.

I never had any problem.

What does that mean for you?

Don't be afraid, I believe there is no reason to move to the USA or another country if it's only for dressing.
You can live your life almost anywhere in the civilized world.

Berlin would be a good place, and why not Paris?

Hi Ringo,
I have had enough trauma to last a lifetime, and lived in countless places none of them feeling totally like a permanent home i would say to you that shifting to a totally new country just to free up your dressings needs may well not solve the root issues you have, Sure live within a city but if you have never been a city dweller before that alone might not be the ultimate solution.
i would sugest you perhaps stay where you are but on the outskirts of a town where you will still have a rural feel to your life but having city life on your doorstep when needed rather than being settled within a city and then hankering for rural life.
Either one will give you the ability to dress as you wish, I live in a very rural part of France but have a large city about 1/2 hr drive away, my hamlet although very small is very accepting to my dressing life.
I would also say to you think carefully, write down what in fact you want from a dressing life also bear in mind that moving to another country never mind where you have to find friends and build a new life that will not happen overnight and for some never.
As I say think carefully and also of your mother country where you are aligned to the ways of life there.

I could see visiting the USA at your young age and learn a little about life here.
Just moving for the sake of moving seems a bit odd.
Many towns outside of the big cities are big enough and far less costly to live in.
Smaller town have nicer people too.
I have been all over the USA and the west coast and east coast are places I personally would never move to.
If you are dreaming about living in the hustle and bustle of a big city you are having a fantasy IMO.
Maybe you saw a movie based in New York city and thought how cool it would be to live there.
The south or midwest are where the normal people live and trans people live all over the south with no issues at all

Planning your life is smart. Not planning is a sure route to misery. I can tell you that from experience. Before you make any big changes, plan plan plan. Measure twice and cut once, as we say in America.

To be honest, you are probably better off where you are. Europe has plenty of socially liberal cities. (If you are thinking of coming to the USA because it is a land of opportunity, don't bother. Well paying jobs are hard to come by, especially if you are young, and there are not enough jobs for those already here.) Especially when it comes to our big cities, which are very expensive and full of violent crime. People in our large cities may be a bit more "tolerant" of trans people compared to our small towns, but they are not necessarily nicer people, and you are far more likely to be harmed in the cities than you are a small town American town, trans or not.

Hi Ringo

I live on the outer edge of Boston but I have lived in NYC, San Francisco, Denver and LA. I totally understand the want/need to find a new place to start over. I have done it more than a few times. Doing your homework is definitely a good idea as the states are fairly diverse and cities depending on the location can be very different from one another. I have to say if I could speak French I would probably trade places with you in a heartbeat as I would think France was much more liberal than almost anywhere in the states save NYC/SF. That being said NYC, LA and SF would be some of the most LGBTQ friendly but they are also some of the most expensive. In my travels the urban core of most cities in the states usually has some LGBTQ friendly areas. It is just a matter of finding them. Also you may want to see which cities have a sizable French expat population so you can meet those who have made the transition.

Other considerations: Healthcare is very different from France so do your due diligence. I would take a single payer system any day of the week. Public transit is spotty across most cities. NYC, Boston, SF all have decent transit systems but nothing like in Europe. Many cities in the US are woefully inadequate.

In answer to your questions: how do you live your crossdresser/trans life? I'm probably not the best to ask as I am in the closet but I plan on making my first outing soon and have no fears of being harassed etc. although knowing the lay of the land is critical.

Do you think it's safe? For the most part, yes. In the urban core the more LGBTQ friendly it usually is. I have many gay friends and acceptance for them has increased exponentially in the past couple of decades but its always a good idea to use common sense.

Also, as i don't know anybody, is it easy to make friends/find a job being out? On the job front again I think the expat community should be able to help here. Meeting people and making friends is more complex. It really differs from location to location at least in my experience. For instance in NYC and SF I found it easy to meet new people and make friends as they both have an influx of expats and both are pretty cosmopolitan. In Boston and Denver I found it much more difficult. New England and Boston can be very provincial and culturally conservative. Denver is just a very diverse midwestern city so it can be difficult to find the people you most identify with. I think if you put in the effort though you will find Americans are for the most part pretty friendly.

Hope this helps and best of luck in your journey,
FM

Ringo, One thing you don't mention in your post is how you are going to make a living. If you have a degree or specific job skills you'll be fine, but the cost of living in the coastal cities is so high that people with lower level jobs are being pushed farther and farther out into the peripheral suburbs. If you don't have the right insurance healthcare, particularly trans issues, will be a problem.

Alice's idea about visiting first is a good idea. Boston, near where I live is a great place to be a young person because of the high concentration of colleges. It is also a cosmopolitan city. I remember once, when I was living there, hearing seven different languages spoken within three aisles of the grocery store. Boston people are like Parisians. They may seem brusque and indifferent at first, but once they have sized you up you will be fine. In the student areas that's not a problem because everyone is from somewhere else. I moved from Milwaukee to Boston in the 70's and it was like moving from the desert into Shangri-la. I've also lived in San Francisco. Another great place. Insanely expensive.

I don't think it matters where you move to, as long as you can support yourself. You can re-invent yourself and and live as you want, no one will have a comparison. I moved from a NJ suburb of NYC to a tourist beach town in SC. Some of my friends here have never met me in male mode. Moving and rebooting can be difficult but also very exhilarating. Have a well thought out plan, a job offer and a place to stay before making the leap.

Ringo,
I'm inclined to agree with Ineke , depression isn't cured by moving away , it's in your head not your geographical surroundings . Going to a different country with no friends and possibly not such a good job could lead you into a deeper depression .

Bobbi appears to have a wonderful life in France so it's perfectly possible to make it work in your own country assuming you are French .

To make dressing full time work you have to gain acceptance , I found it more beneficial to approach being TG from another direction and use my painting group as a platform , my acceptance has been wonderful .

Please PM if you want to chat more , I do know first hand how bad deprssion can be and where it can lead , thankfully I've been through all that and enjoying my life now .

Ringo,

I to agree that moving could prove counterproductive. My feeling is you need to address the causes of your depression before contemplating any such move. If it's change you're after then bring new things into your life. Find ways to interact with more people. I know some find huge benefit in exercise, simply getting out of the house more. It won't suit everyone but if it's change you're looking for then look for it closer to home before committing to such a significant step as moving country.

One other thing to consider. France has a good public health care system. If you need professional help it's more readily available. Go to the states and any such help has to be paid for and it don't come cheap.

One other thought. If you did decide to move, why not stay within the EU? Did you know that London by population is the 6th largest French city? At least moving somewhere like that, and be warned it's an expensive place to live, you'd have a cohort of your fellow countrymen for support.

I get this idea in my head once in a while. Moving to a different location is an adventure meaning you don't know what you're getting yourself into - even after doing extensive research on that location. A lot depends on what kind of people you'd meet and get to know. The good news is it doesn't have to be permanent.

Of course money is also a limitation for most of us. So a lot depends on how much you have saved up and your ability to get a job that will cover your living expenses.

You might consider a city that isn't huge yet much bigger than a small town.

Ressie,
My move was partly to put distance between my family and the other point was the cost of property in my new home town was cheaper .

Thank you all for your answers and advices! I?m really happy to read all of your messages and your experiences.

Allow me to clear some points: dressing is not the main reason I want to move (but I would be lying if I said it has nothing to do with it). Indeed, if it was the only reason, I would go to Paris. I?m feeling that I am in a dead end now and I want to see and enjoy what?s outside my house.

I am also well aware of the differences between healthcare in France and the United States.

On the job level: I have a master degree in geopolitics as well as a bachelor degree in Japanese language (I have been prepared for international trade).
I think visiting for some time is a great idea.

Again, thank you all very much for all your replies which I didn?t expect, I?m really touched you all took time to answer :)

Frankly, Ringo, your best bet is deal with the depression before you make any other changes. We don't know why you're depressed. That is best handled by qualified and licensed mental health practitioners like psychiatrists, social workers, and psychologists. You may need a referral to these professionals from your primary care physician.

I've been through depression. You don't need the stress of finding a job while coping with it, much less finding one in a new country and culture. The culture where I am and in other parts of Canada are sufficiently different that culture shock is a definite possibility for me if I moved across provincial boundaries. While I have nothing against my friends from the USA, I have no interest in moving there, in part because of the health care system. While Canadian health care paid by the taxpayer has its issues, the cost of health care south of the border without employment is unsustainable.

I wouldn't move without a job lined up; I wouldn't voluntarily leave a job in your situation.

If you want to move to somewhere that speaks French you might consider Montreal, Canada.
Safe is a relative term; there is no safe, only safer and that's pretty variable. Large cities, while more diverse, have much higher crime rates than small towns. I recently moved from a large urban area to a much smaller city and am amazed that people are as concerned about crime here as much or more than they were where I used to live. I think it's more unusual here, but not nearly as prevalent.

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Originally Posted by Teresa

Ressie,
My move was partly to put distance between my family and the other point was the cost of property in my new home town was cheaper .

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I was thinking your situation is similar to the OP's. It's been a big step for you Teresa :)