I Am What I Am

This is an essay I wrote which will be posted on my blog tomorrow. I thought I'd start the weekend on an uplifting note.

So I've gotten to the stage in my CD life, and my life in general where I know who I am, how I wish to present myself and what I like to do. I have spoken ad nauseum about my volunteer activities and my church. These feed my desire that every time I go out, I wish to get myself in front of as many people as possible. That connection, that opportunity to smile at strangers and get positive feedback, really fuels me. I certainly had no idea where this was all going when I dipped my toes in the pool and got that first makeover in Detroit in January 2015.

Now I am always on the hunt for events, large crowds, activities that get me in front of a flow of people. It just makes me happy and fills me with great pride. Pride in myself. Pride in who and particularly what I am. Proud to kick down one small door after another. Pride in changing one mind, making one person just a bit more comfortable with "my people". Pride in being completely accepted for just being me. Pride in having gotten to know so many wonderful and loving people.

Who am I? I guess I can best describe myself as simply "me". A cop out saying that? Not really, not once you get to know me. I've just found this way of interacting with the world that has allowed me to move about freely and without trepidation. I am certainly not ever taking anything for granted. I still espouse to the 3 Be's (be smart, be appropriate and be confident), being smart the most important for my safety. But I still find it remarkable how I have just gotten so comfortable in my skin, a comfort that did not exist for almost 50 years. It is usually my practice when I get home to take that one more look at myself in the mirror, before I remove anything and simply smile broadly at that wonderful woman I have grown to love........me!

Sometimes I wonder if I have become too self-centered, but I hope that my stories, my ramblings help someone, somewhere. I marvel at the many countries that represent someone that has read my little blog. I know that the organizations I work for value me and my very small contribution. I am beginning to realize that through others, through helping others, loving others, you get much more back in return. Common sense, sure, but I certainly helps to have these experiences personally.

So as you ponder your CD life, know that the world is much more open to you than you can ever imagine. When all is said and done, it is relationships that define us, experiences that shape us, love that makes everything so worthwhile.

Do I pass? Absolutely not! Does it matter? Absolutely not!

Popeye? Attachment 290973

Kandi,
A lovely insight into your life.

A wonderful read, Kandi! You are lucky to be so centered and so comfortable ;)

Everytime I read one of your posts detailing an outing of yours I am in awe. You and many others who have shared their world with those of us on this site. By doing so you have done so much to help the rest of us to get out there and to not carry any shame with ourselves as we enter the real world as our true selves. Thank you so much!

Sound and great words from you Kandi, as I have followed you over the past year you have grown so much into who you are now. Your attitude to do all things with a smile for anyone who wants or needs it is just what we all need.
You know a part of my story as I yours and many days I read about your adventures and it just lifts me up because some
days I just feel sad and lonely.
Thank you Kandi for being you and bringing that infectious smile and positive attitude
Hugs Rachael

The examples given by Kandi, and others great help for me in overcome, deeply instilled prejudices against myself. Its encouraging that one can not only be out but contribute present a positive, self confident self to the world around us.

A great post as always from you Kandi, I love the last line in particular.

Success for you is not just success for one person. It's It means success for many.

It's beautiful the way you give back.

- Lydianne.

Great thoughts, Kandi. Thanks so much for sharing. :thumbsup:

"Sometimes I wonder if I have become too self-centered" is hardly the descriptive phrase that defines you. I have read all your posts. If I were to ascribe terms to describe you I'd start with confidence. Confidence in who you are as a person. Clothes do not make the person. I suspect you're the same person en drab as en femme. Along with confidence I'd thrown in a good dose of self-esteem. I suspect any man appearing as a woman will raise eyebrows. Be subject to scrutiny. It may take awhile to be accepted for who you are and not be defined by the clothes you wear. From the manner you present yourself I'd say the clothes are not a problem for you. The clothes may be a problem for some of the people you encounter. Do you pass? Yes, in all the ways it matters.

Kandi,

I'm touched by your declaration of self; and equally inspired. Who among us HAS NOT yearned from deep inside our own gender identity "crisis", to sing out loudly your very sentiment. " I am who I am ! Let me be me !" Such a proud proclamation you have made. Bless you for sharing the joy of self-realization AGAIN.

I find your comment about ".... too self centered" to be interesting, for I too have thought about that aspect of my own cross-dressing (and gender identity) life. I've wondered if I have made it too much "about me", and even the possibility that I may be narcissistic. The sudden interest in mirrors and self-photo sessions certainly made me think in that direction, but it seems to be a common activity and theme with Dressers.

I take the cameras and mirrors at face value, and believe it's an artifact of the sheer fascination and uniqueness of seeing my inner self brought alive to the surface. And as for being too self-centered. No. Not I and certainly not YOU.

There is indeed a strong element of SELF in what you do. You are re-defining yourself. Re-inventing yourself and being comfortable with yourself. It's gender identity and identity is naturally about Self. Do not equate that with selfishness, or being self-centered. It's OK, even GOOD to be self-examining and self-defining. It is called introspection. It is healthy;..... Lord, that all human beings should be as mentally and physically healthy as you are, Kandi. I think many men (and women) lose that introspection with age and maturity, the ability to re-invent one's self, or live life anew at any age.

I'd love to put a few dresses in a valise and spend a long weekend helping you at one of your volunteer events. Never selfish. Always introspective. We love what you do and what you share, Kandi. You are a unique and beautiful human being; and one of my forum inspirations.

Not self-centered at all - your volunteerism is epic and your integration of all facets of your persona is inspirational

Kandi,
I have to go along with your thoughts 100%, to go from a closetted CDer struggling with it and the life that surrounds it, gradually through various events you find the real person . It feels good just to say I interact with people as me , dressed comfortably and trying to put all the labesl behind you .

OK talking about labels what does that make us I still can't answer that but does it really matter anymore? I was talking to a couple of TSs a few days ago, I value their opinion highly but they natually see the issues from their perspective, one was telling me only to do things in a certain way , I listened for a while but in the back of mind I felt I don't want to transition, the lifestyle she was suggesting appeared to be taking me from wearing a male straightjacket to wearing a female one. I realised this is not what I'm about, I'm enjoying my current situation, as you say meeting people having fun with them I don't want to lose that . I do feel transition can take away vital spiritual parts of a person as well as physical ones. Now saying this I've realised this point myself CDing is spirital as well as physcical to me I enjoy the combination .

When people you take act one way and not another the word ACT gets overused , it's not an act it's me being me !!

Kandi, I hear you and love that you have embrassed who you are. For me being transgendered is not an option because I love my wife and family and I would die if they were not in my life. Others can run that risk and I understand their need to correct their gender issues or go crazy. For me I will accept my situation and proudly say that I am GENDER FLUID. I'm just happy that I have that ability to express my feminine self fairly well and enjoy being out and about as I would like to be seen on occasion.

Spot on Stephanie Julianna. Well said. I'm really glad that the likes of you and Kandi have found this happy equilibrium in your gender expression needs. I'm in your club so to speak. Isn't it great when people like us can find a way to live our lives happily without hurting anyone we love? I think this is where I should be putting all those smilie faces and thumbs up thingies.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Stephanie Julianna

I love my wife and family and I would die if they were not in my life. I'm just happy that I have that ability to express my feminine self fairly well and enjoy being out and about as I would like to be seen on occasion.

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VERY well said! My exact view of things.

As always, the support here is humbling. I am not the flashiest here, certainly not the most knowledgeable, but I know one thing. How to get out and enjoy myself, comfortably. So I will do whatever I can to demonstrate how to do so, help where I can, offer any advice from personal experience, be supportive and represent. I may be boring, but I hope my posts help anyone. Bless you all!!

Never boring! Bless you for all you do! And as always, thanks for sharing! Hugs Lana Mae