Please don't wear a skirt and high heels !

I almost called this D-Day for a number of reasons .

I finally got round to downloading the divorce documents from the official government site . It looks fairly straightfoward , three copies are required with the application along with the original marriage certificate and a one off payment of ?550.00 , no legal fees .

My wife rang about another topic so I told her I had now obtained the divorce documents , she was OK about it but she holds the marriage certificate . In her next breath she said , " OK , I'll bring the cerficate to you and we'll have a coffee , but please don't wear a short skirt with high heels !" I told her I had other jobs to do this coming Friday so I would be my normal self ( as Teresa ) . My fitted black trousers , black blouse with flowers on and a cardigan , my makeup will be my normal amount . I had to call my daughter about another issue and told her what the plan was , she pointed out it's my home and have the right to dress as I choose , I agreed but in this instance I will play on the safe side , it there's a next time then I may well wear a skirt or a dress .

So it is sort of D-Day , D= divorce and also I will meet my wife face to face as Teresa for the first time , that is if she doesn't chicken out .

Personally I'm not at all nervous , it's been two years and in that time I've been full time in my new home town , she knows that and is also aware whatever she's thrown at me it hasn't stopped me being what I wanted to be . So it looks like my softly softly approach has worked out , possibly she's accepted that the net has closed in on her and it was isolating her from family and friends , also taking the chance to return to my old home town has paid off .

So happy for you, and glad there is less drama!

I was worried for awhile.

Teresa, I'm not sure its OK to say good luck in this situation, but let me say that I hope all goes smoothly with the meeting and divorce.

Well, its a healthy step for both of you to meet as you are and will be.

I don’t think every encounter has to be a test of wills or a battle for control

Kim,
It's the point I made to my daughter , the alternative couldn't continue both in meeting my wife and going through with the divorce . At the moment our wills are a mess , my son and daughter will benifit from all the loose ends being tidied up .

Jamie,
I hope my update at the end of the week will be all good news .

Still letting your ex rule your life and I doubt that will stop even tho' the divorce is finalized.

Tracii,
We all have a different way of working things out and different values in life , maybe my wife will never change but I'm gradually making the changes . Our separation has had it's ups and downs and I've gone along with it but at least I haven't cut off my nose to spite my face , it could have cost me far more . If it eventaully it only costs me ?275.00 when it's split I'll be a very happy bunny !!

I suspect the sense of finality will be kind of a deal. You certainly gave it every opportunity to work. Life on your own terms is different (if we're ever truly on our own terms). I see my ex so infrequently that it's hardly an issue, but even today it's kind of a thing that causes me to strategize a bit. I imagine if she needed to see me for something (she never does) and I was dressed I'd be doing a lightning fast undoing. I like to think I wouldn't, but I probably would. When we first separated I dressed and went places where I knew there was a pretty good chance of seeing her, and I did. Thought I was striking a blow for... something. I've regained some sanity, and wouldn't do that now. I would like to get to the point where I don't go out of my way to avoid seeing her when I'm dressed or nails polished or whatever. I am going to work on that, but our interactions are so infrequent it's not likely to happen.

Teresa, the day has come when you will officially be single again. It may not have been what you really dreamed of, but your focus on being you is admirable and if that cannot be fitted into a marital framework, well, so be it. I suspect after the actual D-Day you may have mixed feelings, maybe even a few regrets, but you will roll along so much more smoothly without the attachment to that which didn't work anymore. I think you have done well through it all. Two years ago when the separation occurred you were a mess. Now you are a very together person. Be good to yourself after it is all finalized. People just grow in different directions at times and this is what happens sometimes. But I hope you will not forget your ex and all the good times you shared. Those were so important. Hope there are no hang ups in the final process.

With kids and grandkids there is always going to be some drama that will play out. Hope your soon to be ex-wife will be civil.

So, she said "...please don't wear a short skirt with high heels..." - that doesn't specifically rule out a longer skirt and lower heels, if you want to be daring!

In any case, hope the meeting goes well for you!

Rhonda,
That wasn't my motive for returning to my old town , I was determined to be Teresa , it appeared ridiculous to allow one person dictate my new life in that way . Persevering has paid off , not to prove something or score points but to live my life parts of which were still in my old home town . I feel we should also discount how we choose to portray oursleves , if we are out in the RW and working on blending if having nail polish on it's part of that people will soon accept it as part of your identity .

Gretchen,
Thanks for your words of support . I have the occasional thoughts of my feelings after D-Day and my wife has also asked that question , on a daily basis that piece of paper possibly won't make that much difference . What I really need to change is the MR handle , I will possibly feel freer to continue the changes I've already made . For one thing I won't have a marriage certificate stating my gender status , there won't be a Mr and MRS officially anymore .

YOu should wear what she told you not to wear.

Teresa, we wish you all the best. Tying up the legal loose ends is a good thing but the day to day may not change too much but there is a lot to be positive, compared to how your soon to be ex was a couple of years ago and now she will be meeting Teresa.

Teresa,

I wish you all the best on your upcoming D-day. I’ve followed your story over the years and am happy that you are enjoying the rest of your life as you choose. It does seem to me that your soon to be ex has slightly softened up his last year as the realization has started to sink in.

It’s nice to try to take the high road and be civil and considerate to her feelings as your marriage comes to an end. At the end of the day, please remember that probably neither of you could have seen where your journey led you and she did indeed lose the man she married. You both suffered and both mourned a loss.

Having said that, you’ve both been through a lot and here’s to peace, new beginnings and happiness moving forward. :hugs:

Teresa, best wishes going through your "D" day and the days immediately after! hugs Lana Mae

Thinking of you and prayers are with you that all goes well

You are all very kind with your thoughts , I hope by the weekend I can post how well it went but I'm dealing with a very unpredicatable person , I sense from my daughter's phone call she doesn't totally trust my wife . It's lovely I have her support but I'm saddened she implied her doubts about her mother .

I'm with you Traci, there are people that will never let the drama end.

Teresa remember it was your wife that instiiled the doubt your daughter has in her mother not you so don't feel bad about or carry that burden.
My first ex pretty much abandon our two daughters for 12 years while I raised them on my own.
They hated their mother for a long time because she did that to them.
No phone calls ,birthday wishes nothing and when my ex wanted to make contact they told her to shove it and I don't blame them at all.
They have made up since then which is good but I still don't like her for doing that to her own kids.
Both my exes I can't stand and they know it but I will talk with them if I have to.

You're meeting for what purpose? Because u need a doc she holds to finalize your divorce. She could mail it. U could drive by on your way to whatever and pick it up. But no, COFFEE!? I'm with Traci. This sounds like a recipe for disaster!:straightface:

Get the friggin doc! File it. Then, meet afterwards to chat and celebrate your divorce!:drink:

Exactly !

Teresa I doubt your ex will ever let you go and will always demand things from you.
Why you ask? Because she knows she can and I have a feeling you are having a hard time leaving her behind because you are always posting about her.

I think it is good to go conservative anyways when meeting your wife for D day. It seems like to her you are quite risque with your short skirts and high heels.

Personally I do the conservative thing when first meeting someone that has known me for a while (such as last Friday).

I don't know enough about the feelings between you and your wife to really be able to say anything for sure but I would say that in the interest in keeping the divorce going smooth and as hassle free as possible you might want to dress so as to not annoy your soon to be X even if it goes against how you want to dress and feel comfortable dressing. Sherrii

Wow. You've had some super heavy emotional times you have been through these past couple of years, and I'm sure this is going to be another difficult passage when you meet. My heart goes out to you that you have the strength and inner convictions to do what you feel deep inside you must do, but in the most dignified manner. I also feel for your daughter. Life is hard. The life of a CDer and their families even harder. Thank god for all the wonderful comments and encouragement you've received from so many in this thread. May calmness and tranquility be your company over these days.

I'm no expert in this situation by any means, but I would say do whatever you need to do to make it go as smoothly and as easy as possible. The less crap you have to deal with, the better. I don't see it as "giving in to her demands" but rather as not causing any waves while you're standing in a canoe. Wish you all the best and hope that once its over you can finally be YOU and relax for a change.

:iagree: What Brianne said; Waves. Canoe. You can make your bold statement when you have the signed agreement in your pretty little fist.

Brianne,
That is exactly how I see it , she may like making waves but it hasn't got her anywhere , she's the one that eventually will lose out .

Tracii,
You can call it mercenary but I'm trying to do as Brianne suggests because I'm trying to hold onto every penny I can , the financial split has worked out fine but I could have made it a whole lot worse if I hadn't been patient .

The other point is I haven't resolved the problem with my son and grandsons and she still holds the ace cards , I only have access through her , the divorce has to come first then I can sort the other issue out . I agree she will never change , so with time I need to but 45 years of marriage takes some getting over .

Divorce is a business transaction and is best approached that way. imho. I got divorced last year and you're effectively just winding up the "joint business venture" you both entered into when you signed the marriage contract. If a few minor concessions will make the transaction go smoother then I'm all for that. I do mean minor though.

My ex and I didn't meet in person; we knew that would make things harder, not easier.

But every relationship is different. You haven't really discussed why you're meeting, but maybe one or both of you need to get the meeting with Teresa out of the way as part of drawing a line under the past. I guess I could see that. If it's something she needs and you can give it without great cost to yourself then ok. Greasing the skids never hurts.

I just want to remind you that nobody here knows you or your wife like you do and nobody here has any stake in the outcome from whatever advice they are giving you. It's best that you do what you feel is best for you.

I will offer this advice though: Wearing what she asked you not to wear is just a bad idea and bad advice. The less you antagonize here, the smoother things will go.

Eemz,
To me it makes sense she meets me as Teresa , she has all these thoughts going round in her head knowing so many people have met me . Maybe the final push was when she rang last week and I was having a coffee with her sister in my home , I must admit it was an odd situation having a three way conversation when she knew what I looked like . Another problem she could be having is knowing my daughter is very open with me to the point where we've been shopping and seen shows together . I am prepared to meet her she knows that , it's nothing to do with patching things up but more to do with finally meeting my son and grandsons , if it greases those skids then it's been worth waiting for .

Krisi ,
You're so right , why antagonise the situation ? I'm possibly getting away with a divorce costing me a few hundred pounds not thousands or even tens of thousands of pounds . She accepted seeing me and I've told her what I will be wearing besides I have shopping to do before she arrives .

When the divorce is finally settled for good, how do you envision your relationship with your ex? And how do you think she envisions it?

Mermaiden,
That's a good question , I guess it depends how the dust settles after the divorce , I suspect she won't change that much she will still try and blackmail me with my son and grandsons . I still have the dog to take care of but when she's gone I intend to travel more , so I won't always be available to fall into her traps .