Undoing bad therapy

Its tough writing this. I am 37. When I was 20 I was in treatment for drugs and I brought up CD'ing with my therapist and she told me I was a sex addict and I needed a 12 step program. I looked at is as a kink I had to keep in the bottle or it would take over. After joining this forum recently and reading all the wonderful threads Im pretty sure being told I was a sex addict was a lot more damaging than I thought. Im terrible at relationships and life in general and couldnt ever figure out why. Im trying to get an appointment with a qualified therapist to undue this and find a support group. Has anyone else dealt with this or anything similar?

I've found in life that quite a lot of women think most men are sex addicts.

Judy, while many women may think that, my experiences are that women are more sexual overall than men. As for the OP, yes, I can see how bad therapy many years ago led you to an incorrect belief of yourself. Good that you are going to see someone who has knowledge of this.

There are few women more sexual than men. But there are some. Valerie, it is great that you recognized your problems and getting a good therapist will help you understand yourself.

Yes, it's a good idea to see a therapist who has received more recent training. They understand a lot more about the crossdressing and transsexualism than they did 20 years ago.

Just make sure that your therapist is well-versed and has some understanding of crossdressing/gender-identity/sexuality before you lock in with him or her.

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Originally Posted by Dana44

There are few women more sexual than men. But there are some. Valerie, it is great that you recognized your problems and getting a good therapist will help you understand yourself.

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Dana, I really think it is more than a few... For different reasons though that they enjoy sex than men do. It is not ego driven, or as visually driven..... But then again, how popular a male review/chipendales show is, and the reactions many women have of these shows.... and let's not forget the popularity of 50 shades of Grey..... I think there is still this remnant of women are not suppose to like it the way men do which still exists. Several decades ago, it was believed that women should not have orgasms and those who had orgasms was a type of mental illness..... I imagine a lot of women would have them and pretend that they didn't have them. Kind of the reverse nowadays lol.

I haven't had to deal with a bad therapist, but you'll want to see a gender therapist, and explain the situation to them. They may see you, and possibly refer you to someone to help you deal with the trauma you suffered from your former therapist. I'm really, really, sorry you experienced this, but 20 years ago, that's how it was. It's one of the reasons that 26 years ago, when I sobered up, I did NOT mention my feelings about my gender, not to a soul.

You aren't a sex addict. Your feelings about your gender aren't really sexual in nature, although they may express themselves that way. Bottling it up was the worst thing they could've told you to do. By the way, the research is not clear on whether or not sex addiction, per se, is really a thing - at least not in the same way as drug or alcohol addiction. Nevertheless, being trans isn't an addiction.

Get you to a gender therapist. You'll discover they are not judgmental. If you are in the North Texas area, PM me, I'll get you references for several truly awesome ones.

No idea how you measure which gender is more sexual, but that isn't the point of the OP...so get back on track

Valerie,
I really wouldn't worry too much about it, if I 'd been analysed at twenty they may well have thought I was a sex addict, maybe it was something to do with the girls I dated then who didn't mind my CDing. My work mates use to make jokes about me only going to work for a rest !

If you still think it's a problem it may be an idea to get your testosterone level checked, I know mine kicked in at 8-9 years old and its still with me.
It can be a problem in either gender, one of my GFs bordered nympho , it may sound great but I couldn't trust her and it's why I didn't marry her.
I would be inclined to work more on a relationship and the worries of the therapist will probably fade away.

Yes, you should see a licensed therapist who has clients that are transgender men and women and cross dressers. Yes, that person planted some bad thoughts in your mind. Just think of us old timers from the 1950's and 1960's who heard nothing other than we were damaged goods, perverts, creeps, etc. To be shunned by the world. Fired at a whim. Psychological and medical training may have evolved, but, there is still a decent segment of society who have not changed. And, some wonder why we hid our cross dressing from our families and friends!

PS: I cannot imagine what a 12 step program was for a sex addict! :)

It is very sad that there are actually therapist out there that do end up doing more damage than good. What is even worse is that the next therapist has to undo all and repair all that damage in order to begin to address the original root issue.

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Originally Posted by Valarie78

Its tough writing this. I am 37. When I was 20 I was in treatment for drugs and I brought up CD'ing with my therapist and she told me I was a sex addict and I needed a 12 step program

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So back in 1999 you were given a diagnosis that labelled you as a sex addict. Time to toss that into the pit of oblivion. Times have changed. Things and understandings have moved on.

In my opinion the best therapy you'll get is on this forum. Why? We're the experts. Been there, got the (size 16) tee shirt. You're not weird, strange or perverted. Just somewhat different from most but definitely not someone who needs a 12 point program.

Welcome to the forum.

Thanks for all the replies everyone. I never really bought into the sex addict thing but it caused me to think all this was primarily sexual and just a behavior that I enjoyed. Im pretty sure its more than that. I finally talked to a great therapist and have an appointment in a few weeks. I think once I build a support group and I dont feel so isolated things will start working them out for themselves. When I joined the forum I wasnt really expecting all this to come up. Just reading other peoples experiences has already helped me connect the dots for a lot of things. Scary but relieving at the same time. Thanks for being here for me :)

I saw a psychologist about 18 to 20 years ago. I was asked to go after my wife made use of the psychology group that he practiced in. In short order he pronounced that I was a sexual addict but with no reasoning or proper evidence.
I am a scientist and I found his entire approach to be most unscientific - no symptoms or proper diagnosis just a pronouncement. He was just using the latest trendy name in psycho-analysis. It so happened that I was also seeing a psychiatrist who was treating me for depression with drugs. I asked him about this malady called "sexual addiction". How is it described, what were the symptoms etc. He told me that he thought the entire thing was BS which matched my views. I thought the entire thing was unprofessional nonsense and then he tried to persuade me to go to a week long sexual addiction clinic. I refused and thinking about it later it struck me that he would probably get a kick-back from the people who ran the sexual addiction clinic.

The entire sexual addiction fad was a lot of nonsense that was all the rage for a while but has now faded. You were abused by a professional who should have known better.
As others here have said, go and find a competent and experienced gender counsellor and wipe the slate clean. You were completely misled.

It's true that some therapists can cause more harm than good. Like a quack doctor prescribing a high sodium diet to remedy high blood pressure cuz they...(intentional non gender grammatical faux pa there..remember that cuz I hate having to make that point all the time...I'm not like...illiterate and stuff 😐 )

...back to my rant...saw a you tube video they thought made sense!

Always get a second opinion...or at least toss the coin three times! 😉

hi valerie,

i had an experience that although not quite the same, also involved my therapist at the time recommending that i repress my crossdressing tendencies. i was younger (almost 12 years ago now) and to be honest just took my therapist at her word that this was the best solution for my relationship with my partner and for my life. We went through this whole series of exercises that basically shamed me out of my dressing,and for a while, we thought that was it. But I knew better, and just pushed the feelings deep down where I wouldn't have to deal with them. just a few years later, the repression got to be too much, and it all came flooding back. My partner has since really worked to support me, and I have been working with a therapist who has really helped me start to untangle the damage done.

In retrospect, I don't totally blame my previous therapist. She had little experience with trans folks, this was all brought up in the context of our relationship prior to marriage, and she really thought she was doing the best for us. I don't think she would make the same recommendations today (though I've lost touch with her) and I also don't think I was being totally honest with myself about how much of my gender identity was really in question.

All that is to say that the advice of others on here is great and that seeking out a trained therapist with a background in gender identity will do you lots of good. Talk, be honest, and allow her to connect you to resources that will help you find your true self. Good luck!

Hugs,
Raeleen

A therapist I was seeing about 30 years ago suggested that my crossdressing was excess baggage to carry through life. We had many sessions where I just sat and said nothing for 45 minutes. Then one day I just said, "You're fired!" Since then, I've viewed my whole other world as a tremendous gift. It's like having a vacation home in a beautiful place that I can go to whenever I want. So many people drudge through life with the weight of mediocrity and unfulfillment. My primary existence is good and rewarding and comfortable. And my secondary existence is FABULOUS!

Qualified therapists act as sounding boards and let you come to your own conclusions. :)

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Originally Posted by Helen_Highwater

In my opinion the best therapy you'll get is on this forum.

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The forum is really helpful in exposing you to the diversity of the transgender world, but it's probably overstating the case to say it's the best therapy. But it is important to find a good, experienced gender therapist. And keep your mind engaged -- if they start talking twaddle, don't passively accept it -- challenge it, research it, and either learn they're right or show them they're wrong. ;)

Take a careful look at the online websites of the various therapists in your area. Look for signs of extreme ideas and social conservatism. You probably want a recent graduate who is thinking along modern ideas about gender. If he treats sexual addiction--you don't need him. Read carefully--read between the lines. You should be able to sort them into definitely not, maybe and sounds good.

For instance:

http://lauras-playground.com/legacy/...therapists.htm

Remember sometimes therapists pay to get on referral lists--it is sort of an advertising thing.

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Originally Posted by Helen_Highwater

In my opinion the best therapy you'll get is on this forum. Why? We're the experts. Been there, got the (size 16) tee shirt. You're not weird, strange or perverted. Just somewhat different from most but definitely not someone who needs a 12 point program.

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While I believe there is a therapeutic value to this group, I would never give anyone the impression that this group could replace proper therapy. There can be bad therapists out there. There is certainly bad advice here. There is also a difference between sharing experience and getting true therapy. I advanced quite a bit by virtue of being able to process in this group. But I got where I ended up by finding an appropriate therapist and getting deep with him and processing to the needed level.

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Originally Posted by Valarie78

I never really bought into the sex addict thing but it caused me to think all this was primarily sexual and just a behavior that I enjoyed. Im pretty sure its more than that.

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It's really unfortunate that you had such a bad experience. As in any other field, people do not have expertise in every area of their profession. But, they should be aware of their shortcomings and refer you to others who do have that particular expertise. That's how it is supposed to work, but as you've seen, that's not always the case.

But, there are 2 parts to this. What I said above relates to knowledge. However, the idea of prejudice can also come into play. For some folks it is a real challenge to keep their private thoughts separate from their work. Sadly, either one can be a buzzkill entirely on their own.

DeeAnn

I would agree with the several comments that have pointed out that this Forum is not therapy. You will find a lot of information here that will make you understand that you are part of a large group. The sharing of experiences and ideas will be very helpful and should go a long way to assist you in overcoming that bad experience of 20 years ago.

However, do find a good therapist as that is the only way for you to completely understand yourself and deal with any issues you have. As others have said, do some thorough research first to make sure you have someone who is both competent and experienced in dealing with cross dressing and gender issues.

Good luck and I hope you are feeling better about yourself.