Sympathy/Empathy for the less than accepting SO...

I haven't read this particular thought here and was wondering if anyone else felt this way...

I don't hate being a crossdresser or that I like things that, generally, are the prerogative of the genetic female. But, I do find that I actually feel bad that my wife is somewhat stuck with a man who doesn't fit her masculine ideal. I have no desire to meet that ideal, but still feel bad that she doesn't have that "need"met. I truly wish she'd had the man she'd dreamed of, but I don't care a bit about being that man.

I married a very feminine woman and love that part of her. I can understand her wish to be with the reciprocal man. I'm not that guy... She still loves me dearly and shows me daily. But, the feeling that she?d change me in a second if she could bothers me to the core...

Thoughts???

when i came out to my wife just over 8 years ago i broke her heart and lost her trust forever.
she has become tolerant of my crossdressing(which is not very often) but i know deep down
she wishes i didn't dress and given the choice of marrying a crossdresser she would have
walked away and i can never blame her for feeling that way. like her if i could and didn't
have the compulsion i would stop dressing in a heartbeat.

I can relate to you as I have completely given up on any level of acceptance. Because I cannot stop , I have just gone into complete hiding with it. It was the only logical choice for me. I can?t even buy colorful men?s underwear without getting in trouble.

Sandi

I remember to thank my wife often for putting up with her goofy husband. I think it helps a lot. I know she did not volunteer for this duty. I also buy her clothing, high heels and sexy dresses. I also thinks that helps when I am buying girlie stuff for myself that I include her in my shopping.

My wife simply asks to have her "man" back for the evening. Then I know all the girlie stuff gets put away and the guy clothing comes out. I am fortunate that she has been very accepting. She does get a kick out of I might be dressed in guy stuff in the afternoon, work boots, jeans, denim work shirts, working in the shop or yard. Then a quick shower and a dress and heels.

Bea, I understand what you're saying. Yes, it would be great if I did not have this little quirk. However, it's there and not going away. I know my wife did not expect this aspect of myself, and, I certainly did not either. Have I been the guy she thought she always wanted? Yes. I have done nothing to force my cross dressing desires upon her. I have done all those "manly things," and, then some. Would she rather have a husband who ignores her and considers her to be only a bedroom toy at his beck and call? Or domestic abuser. Or run after other women? Or leave her alone all the time so he can run around with a bunch of drunken guys?

Yes, get past "The Talk." Nope, he is not gay. Nope, he does not want to become a woman. He's always by my side through all the illnesses. He has supported our family. His kids came out of college debt free, and, paid my way too. He bears the scars of serving his country when called upon. He'll have those until the day he dies. So, once in awhile he is overcome by something neither I nor he can figure out. Then of course, I have no idea why he married me. Any man in his right mind would have taken a double take, and, probably shied away. He's not perfect. Nor am I. Of course, maybe he feels pain because of who he is. And, I'm sure he feels a similar pain because I don't fully embrace who he is.

I think Stephanie 47 really hit the nail on the head. Maybe you are transferring your own feelings of what your wife expects on to her when, in fact, she doesn't feel that way. Most wedding vows contain something about hanging together through thick and thin. Love, acceptance, and appreciation of the mate, warts and all, forms an important foundation of all long term relationships. You wife may view it all as less than ideal. I think my wife does. But there is often a bond there that over rides everything else. I have wondered why my wife stays with me and I have wondered at times why I stay with her. But over 50 years and a lot of baggage, one thing persists and, at least for now, outweighs all the undesirables - LOVE.

Bea, I can understand and empathize with a women not being happy that her husband crossdresses when sprung on them years after being married. In my own case, I told my then girlfriend now wife that I was a CDer before we moved in together. I told her I was not going to change and did not want push back on the issue. If she could not accept it, then was the time bail on our relationship. She has been accepting and even encouraging. So I believe the time to come out is before the relationship becomes serious..

Bea,
Your empathy is commendable. Would that it were more commonplace among the TG population. Our spouses and partners deserve to know about our gender identity, or our gender nonconformity. If the consideration you speak of were shown early on, there would be fewer tragedies borne of the deception so many of us carry out.

Whew...……….not an easy topic but I agree completely with Stephanie47.

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Originally Posted by Stephanie47

Bea, I understand what you're saying. Yes, it would be great if I did not have this little quirk. However, it's there and not going away. I know my wife did not expect this aspect of myself, and, I certainly did not either. Have I been the guy she thought she always wanted? Yes. I have done nothing to force my cross dressing desires upon her. I have done all those "manly things," and, then some. Would she rather have a husband who ignores her and considers her to be only a bedroom toy at his beck and call? Or domestic abuser. Or run after other women? Or leave her alone all the time so he can run around with a bunch of drunken guys?

Yes, get past "The Talk." Nope, he is not gay. Nope, he does not want to become a woman. He's always by my side through all the illnesses. He has supported our family. His kids came out of college debt free, and, paid my way too. He bears the scars of serving his country when called upon. He'll have those until the day he dies. So, once in awhile he is overcome by something neither I nor he can figure out. Then of course, I have no idea why he married me. Any man in his right mind would have taken a double take, and, probably shied away. He's not perfect. Nor am I. Of course, maybe he feels pain because of who he is. And, I'm sure he feels a similar pain because I don't fully embrace who he is.

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I get the give and take in any marriage. I get that we're all flawed. And, I know my wife loves me IN SPITE of my flaws. My idiosyncratic taste in clothes is not nearly my greatest flaw.

I guess my issue is that I tend to see her 'flaws' as more just parts of her that I love. Her figure is totally different from the figure she had when I married her. I don't love her IN SPITE of her figure. I love her new, softer, more rounded figure. It's not a flaw but part of what I love. I don't wish she'd go back to the woman I knew before.

That's how I wish she saw me. I don't fault her for loving me IN SPITE of my flaws. I feel for her.

I feel somewhat the same.
While she always met my "image" I know that I haven't met hers and yes that bothers me. I don't have your fear that I would be traded for a different model that would fulfull that image, but it does still bother me that I can't be that for her. No, I don't "want" to be that, but also I "can't" be that image. I struggled too long just trying to accept myself and get past all the negativity that we feel about this. This is who I am and part of what makes me the "man" she fell for and who she accepted as the fulfillment of her "image".

Bea,
It's sad to think that you should be made to feel less of a man because you're a CDer/TG .

The more I integrate in the RW the more I feel a better person , I actually feel I have more to offer . It's such a pity your wife can't see the male part has been enhanced rather than reduced .

If I may ask , do you feel less of a man to her when you dress ? If not why not tell her so , if you feel more like me maybe try telling her you do feel a better more rounded person . She may change her view point or at least be more sympathetic to your needs .

Theresa, it is sad to think that Bea's wife should feel hurt by Bea being a CDer. The wife's perspective is no less important than the husband's. Bea clearly understands the "give and take in any marriage." Each person and each couple is unique, with unique circumstances. IMHO, only the couple can work out a solution to the separate but equal problems of any kind that each person brings to the marriage.

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I told my then girlfriend now wife that I was a CDer before we moved in together. If she could not accept it, then was the time bail on our relationship.

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Bea_ when did she your wife find out about you?

Maybe couples counseling might be in order?

I suspect that many of us choose very feminine women as partners because we are enamored with, fascinated by, and attracted to, femininity. I did. However, In spite of the fact that my wife probably would prefer not to deal with my gender dysphoria, the reality is that I have been a sensitive, loyal, trustworthy, and loving husband. Even though I wear panties, I still fix a lot of stuff, take out the garbage, do most of the dishes and much of the other housecleaning, and do many traditionally male chores (just for example, she has never mowed our lawn or shoveled our driveway). Do I have empathy for her? Yes, for many things — but being stuck with me is not one of them. No one is perfect. Not me, not her. I am “stuck” with her, too. Could have gotten a supportive gal, Nancy

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Originally Posted by Teresa

Bea,
It's sad to think that you should be made to feel less of a man because you're a CDer/TG .

The more I integrate in the RW the more I feel a better person , I actually feel I have more to offer . It's such a pity your wife can't see the male part has been enhanced rather than reduced .

If I may ask , do you feel less of a man to her when you dress ? If not why not tell her so , if you feel more like me maybe try telling her you do feel a better more rounded person . She may change her view point or at least be more sympathetic to your needs .

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Before you feel too sad for me I need to say that my wife is crazy about me and she lets me know it on a daily basis. She works very hard to support my tastes the best she can. I am fortunate in that respect.

My feelings of ?manliness? are not derived from her opinion of me. Even when she was almost totally non-accepting of my developing tastes, it didn?t make me feel like less of a man. It just revealed that I didn?t match her idea of manliness. As I examined my own motivations I came to feel that I meet my own idea of manhood when I express my own tastes and desires rather than those imposed on me.

At one point, I took it that she was at fault for not appreciating me at the same level I appreciated her, despite the changes we've both gone through over the decades. Now, I look at us and the fact that she is really more like most women than I am like most ?normal? men... I feel that I got what I wanted in a woman and she didn't get what she wanted in a man.

My wife and I have had a multitude of 'talks' since my newfound tastes started developing in my mid-fifties. It's hard enough explaining thoughts here to people who share my predicament. It's much harder to find words to explain it all to someone who has absolutely NO positive point of reference for the issue.

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Originally Posted by mbmeen12

Bea_ when did she your wife find out about you?

Maybe couples counseling might be in order?

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I am a late bloomer and started dressing in my mid-fifties. She's kinda been aware from the start. I've tried to be careful in balancing not overwhelming her with the changes against the need to be truthful.

We went through some counselling for other issues before the whole dressing thing started. It was not a positive experience or outcome. I think I'll take my chances in continuing to work it out in house...