Told a friend this weekend

This past weekend I told the wife of a high school friend about myself. It was the first time I told anyone other than those I've been intimate with, or people who had never met the guy me.

Here is the background. The husband, call him D, I have known since high school (about 45 years). His wife K told my wife and I last fall their child A was non-binary (born a female). Every fall we visit a mutual friend and his wife in Phoenix; this weekend we were again in Phoenix for the friend's 65th birthday.

There had been clues their child was trans (or gay). K's Facebook page features pride flags and support for the Trevor Project for LGBT kids. Again, last fall K said their child (they/they're/them) was non-binary. In December I was at their house helping them on some financial stuff and A walked in, sporting a beard. I hadn't seen A in a while but given K's comments I wasn't surprised.

For the last five months or so asking myself whether I should tell K, so she knew I was an ally and that I might have some additional insight, and that I know individuals who have or are transitioning. I figured the time was right, and that she would keep it a secret.

The two of us went to walk our friend's dogs so I asked if I could tell her a secret, and she said yes, so I told her. We talked about it for a few more minutes, and then a couple of days later for about 45 minutes. She said she felt honored that I trusted her.

I have purchased a gift card from my friend Michelle for services at her salon. I have told Michelle about K and vice versa, and both are eager to meet each other. Michelle said we ought to get pedis at the same time and I answered that then they couldn't talk about me. I told K what Michelle said, and my response, and K laughed and said "we are definitely going to talk about you".

I definitely felt it was the right thing to do. We'll see where it goes from here.

Dee, Good for you in sharing your secret, you are someone that K trusts and I am sure values your opinion and advice on this sensitive situation. People like you help advance our community every day. Thanks for you being you

Yes I agree with Crissy. It is good that your friends have someone they can talk to who is not going to be judgmental.

Sandi

That's what friends are for.

Friends are essential!! That's wonderful. I also have a similar story.

For the first time in my LIFE, told a friend last week. It took me almost 30 years to tell anybody, but lately I've felt a need to embrace who I am and share it with another to let them know Becca is real. So I called a very dear friend who I've known for over 10 years but is already very openminded. It took me a while to get it out. She could tell it was something important and was very patient. With a BUNCH of fits and starts, I got it out - my heart beating a mile a minute. She didn't laugh, she simply said "it's okay!". Once I told her I had never told a single person, she came to realize how I'd been bottling this up for so long and she herself burst into tears. "I'm so sorry that you kept this inside for so long!" she said. We both cried on the phone and all she wished she could do was give me a hug right then and there.
Since then I've had small moments of regret, but they pass and I don't think I would take it back even if I could. I am who I am. It's a truth I never felt I could share but I'm beginning the process getting out of my shell and sharing with those I trust. I know this was only a first step and I don't know yet exactly what I want the endgame to be yet, but I had a friend that embraced me and loved me unconditionally. I am so grateful I have her as a friend.

To both Dee and BeccaB: such inspiring stories reinforce to me how important it is in life to be transparent with at least a few others. The two of you are very lucky to have sensitive and understanding people to reach out to; but we're even luckier to have you here to inspire and give us hope. Thanks a bunch.

I do not want to be a Debbie Downer, but..................................

Unless I am simply a pessimist, I would expect that the 1st person I told of my CDing, other than my wife, would not be the last person to learn about it. The fact K now knows means it is probably just a matter of time before D knows. Will the information flow stop there? Who knows? All that said, Dee, it is wonderful you have a friend you believe you can put so much trust in. It is even better you felt it important enough to step out of the closet in order to lend support to a friend who may be battling (from the outside) many of the demons we fight. I applaud you for taking that courageous step. I also applaud you for having a friend with whom you feel close enough to that you can step out of the closet. I honestly don't believe I have any such friends.

Thanks all.

As background, I will add within this group, my high school debate buddies, the first wife of my friend who turned 65 died while in child birth in 1994 (the daughter survived, and got engaged last Thursday). The loss of his first wife I am still mourning. My friend, with a newborn daughter and deceased wife, managed to keep going, and married his second (and current wife) in 2000.

So if my friends find out--and I trust K that she will not tell--compared to the loss we all suffered, any indignity I face would be extremely minor, one I can tolerate. Indeed, if K learns anything from me how to better deal with their trans child, then I would take that trade any day.

I think you made a good decision. By trusting in K you have demonstrated compassion and a willingness to be vulnerable and to take risks to show support for her family, particularly her trans child. And you have by the life you have lived also demonstrated that trans people can have great, interesting and meaningful lives.

I have a couple of close friends who know. Almost told another yesterday at work, but I realized I should hold off.

I finally told 1 of my best friends of 20 years. I casually mentioned it in a phone conversation. The back drop on that was, I went to the store with my wife while in my dress and bra arriving home a neighbor was sitting on the back porch. Well, I just had to own it. During my conversation with my friend I just said "Daniel was sitting on the porch and caught me in my dress and bra " all my friend said was what did Daniel say? So my friend didn't ask any other questions about why I was wearing a dress. He has caught me in pink panties and seen a couple of cami top photos and he always just says nice top. He shaves his entire body and I've got him painting his nails "clear coat " but no judgment either way.

I saw K today when I rode my bike (the pedal kind, not the motor kind) to their house to drop off the gift card and Michelle's contact info. We talked for a few minutes, I showed her a couple pictures from my outing yesterday. I told her about this thread, and she promised to keep it a secret. I told her what I wrote, that if she learned anything from me that helped her deal better with their child, it was worth it. She said it has already.

I also added that she go with a mani-pedi and pamper herself and she said she was looking forward to it.

Thats a big step for sure.

Sharing the "secret" with others always seems scary to me.

Just their reaction to the news puts me off.