Continual pushing has now left me with a momentum I can't control

My journey is not that dissimilar to many others I suspect, realizing at a young age there was something different about how I felt....I quickly learnt it was not something that others found easy to cope with and learnt to bury it and run as hard as I could to escape my feelings.....I built an fantastic life over the next 30-40 years with a wife I love with all my heart, and three amazing children....then the inevitable cracks started to appear....it's really not that great a surprise when the foundations you have built on hold an unresolved issue, and are as solid as quick sand.
After lots of tears, lots of talking and I am ashamed to admit some dubious levels of honesty regarding hormones and their impact, I found my 4-5 years down the path with a wife struggling to cope with changes, but prepared to work overtime to try and make things work at least at some level....

we agreed I could go to work dressed as Jess (wearing blouses instead of shirts, womens jackets and modest 2' women''s boots....), train with the girls in my PT group as Jess and one day at the weekend ...my wife got her husband (tomboy Jess to me) after work, each night, and one day at the weekend ... By now I had grown out my hair, wore subtle nail polish 24/7 and had achieved at least a softer more effeminate appearance regardless of the gender I was supposed to be presenting.

I initially thought this would appease my dysphoric feelings, it was a more than fair compromise and allowed me to retain the family life I greatly value whilst still expressing me and how I felt ...I opened up to most of my friends and family and whilst not changing my birth name I at least had preferred name listed on medical notes and key services I used.... but as the weeks turned to months I started to push past the boundaries that had been set ...little things that encroached on my wife's allotted "boy" time ... wearing make up at work ... until the inevitable happened and my partner said enough is enough....stick to the rules...stop pushing the boundaries or its over.

We talked ..I reflected... and agreed I was being selfish to our promises and that I would start properly honoring our agreement, cutting out work place make up, and giving her the time we had agreed on... great fine...except since that chat I have been experiencing major dysphoric feelings....I now have a sense of dread that I am running from an almost inevitable sense I want to transition regardless of the carnage that that would bring to those I love most..every bit of logic tells me that if I can settle my feelings down I can have all that is dear to me and keep my wonderful life and the future it holds... but inner feelings are not logic and I am really struggling to cope at the moment...I always believed I wanted to transition but didn't need too and that distinct difference would act as a safety net ...I am now not so sure that is the case and there is a very real sense of panic starting to develop...

Has anyone else experienced this , can I just wait these feelings out and things will settle down or have I pushed so much I have started a momentum that can't be stopped...

Hi Jess,
Thanks for sharing your story. It's was hard for me to get a senses of how long have passed since your first steps to be out as Jess at least to your partner up until now. Frankly, less than three years ago, when my wife first saw my growing breasts and said it looks disgusting, to today, when she is fully supporting me, as I came out to friends a year ago, and at work. And this is 3 years of just physical transition, not counting a decade of just dressing at home. What I am trying to say, that at least in my case, my partner's support was growing with time. It wasn't immediate. Your partner sounds pretty reasonable although the pitfall as you noticed yourself - is setting any limits because guess what? You will be always right against them, pushing further, not somewhere in between. I wouldn't promise anything how far you will go, and never ask how far is her tolerance. Just try to go slower and give her time to catch up with you. It seems like you are running, and she is walking, and at least she follows you, not running away Respect and cherish it!

Hi Katya it?s been probably 20 years of dressing...and probably 4 years of starting my version of a transition...
I respect and love my wife but realise that she probably doesn?t have it in her comfort zone to walk much further on the journey...we have talked about her limits and I?m at them now...yes things can change in time but I am at a crossroads and probably have been for a little while... do I find a way to accept what I currently have or do I start out on my own and strive fir a full transition...I?m soo split and conflicted my fear is I will end up treading water until I lose the plot or she does..😢

You're in a tough spot, that's for sure...and ultimately the decision is yours. The only suggestion I have a couples therapy with a gender therapist. I always pushed my boundaries too, although I tried to do slowly but unapologetically. I don't want to be alone but was prepared for it mentally and glad it didn't get to that point yet. I still have two daughter to raise and want to be with my family.

Jessica... my heart goes out to you and all involved.
I'd say to you that you can do your best to not think of this as a black/white --either or situation.
It's not transition vs not transition.

But it is honesty or not. There is no middle ground on this.
The first thing you need to do is take responsibility for yourself and honor your relationship by never ever being dishonest again.
That's a big deal. And I am pot calling kettle black.. I was very dishonest for a while and it cost me and others alot.
I deeply regret my dishonesty.

And that means no more promises. you cannot know that you can keep them.

If your situation is a crossroads, if you can't possibly know what's next, then the only honest discussion needs to be just that.

You want to stay married to your wife. You want her support. You want her to be OK.

She doesnt want a play by play or a pity party for you. She has her own life and her own future. She gets to decide for herself how she wants to handle this, but must also know the reality of it..

To do this, you need a pretty strong personal inventory of what you REALLY feel. Nobody can do that for you. You probably have internal coping thoughts that keep you from sorting things out. Therapy helps with that, but you must allow yourself to be vulnerable.

Some folks say manage the info, take it step by step all the while knowing your own master plan...or make promises to keep the peace but then break them in secret.
that doesn't sound like a loving way to handle things.

Jessica,
So much sounds familiar , trying to juggle so many balls in the air !

The bottom line is most of us know you are trying to be honest with your wife and at the same time be honest with yourself , for most of us the two don't meet .

Some people can find their balance because the wife / partner is prepared to go along with the situation but part of you is being held back because your wife is setting boundaries and please don't beat yourself up with the selfish label , you know what you feel inside your dysphoria will keep pulling the strings no matter how hard to try and ignore it .

I tried to bury it for much of my married life eventually I had to turn to counselling , after many years the eventual outcome was a separation just over two years ago ( divorce now completes in six weeks ) . The outcome has been that World didn't end , I'm much happier now I have a balance with my dysphoria , my wife is happier , I haven't lost my children or grandchildren .

One point I will make is that open , honest and straight talking started once we had agreed to separate , on the whole it was amicable , we both felt relieved we had accepted the outcome . I know my wife now regrets her decision as she admitted she does miss me , perhaps you can learn from that try and impress on your wife that being TG isn't the end of the World , you are a better person if you're allowed to be YOU !

Hows it going Jessica?? Just checking in.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Jessicajane

My journey is not that dissimilar to many others I suspect, realizing at a young age there was something different about how I felt....I quickly learnt it was not something that others found easy to cope with and learnt to bury it and run as hard as I could to escape my feelings.....I now have a sense of dread that I am running from an almost inevitable sense I want to transition regardless of the carnage that that would bring to those I love most. Every bit of logic tells me that if I can settle my feelings down I can have all that is dear to me and keep my wonderful life and the future it holds... but inner feelings are not logic and I am really struggling to cope at the moment...I always believed I wanted to transition but didn't need too and that distinct difference would act as a safety net ...I am now not so sure that is the case and there is a very real sense of panic starting to develop...

Has anyone else experienced this , can I just wait these feelings out and things will settle down or have I pushed so much I have started a momentum that can't be stopped...

---

Jessica, you are experiencing almost exactly what I went through. Panic, desperation, anxiety is what occurs when the need to be you gets overwhelming. It has nothing to being selfish and everything to do with survival.

A renown TG therapist told me before I transitioned that suppressing the need to live authentically will result in some form of acting out. That is what compels you to be dishonest. The more you suppress, the more you will act out. If your marriage requires suppression of your needs, you will need to manage the acting out in some way.

Having failed at a relationship because of my own dishonesty, pushing boundaries, and circumventing others, I can say with some certainty that approach didn’t work for me and its unlikely to work for you.

I see your presentation today, as your pictures and avatar indicate, as having made some rather dramatic strides in these past four years. As you point out you and your wife have a 20 year history and built a good life together too. What is called for is some values clarification. Yes, I know the desire to transition is powerful...and you really have made some rather clear strides towards social transition at home and at work. It also seems that your wife has made a pretty reasonable set of conditions for the present.

I hated and still hate that my behavior and my needs precipitated the end of a long and loving relationship. So, my bias is towards finding how a couple might make the best of the situation. I think starts with values clarification on both parts and certainly couples therapy may help. Then I think its a matter of looking realistically and as devoid of emotion as possible at the future...the future each of you wants individually and as a couple. From that hopefully clear eyed assessment, a plan might emerge. It may be a plan that seeks preservation of the marriage and as such requires continued compromise on both parts. And perhaps with the help of a therapist, each of you can learn and practice techniques to diminish feelings of distress (both of you) in some way, at least on a day to day basis. This might give each of you time to adjust to the prospect of changes you may need to make in the longer time frame.

I hope so. Good relationships are hard to find.

Jess, they had already said, don't be hard with you calling you dishonest. My case is very similar to yours. I didn't say everything I knew from the beginning to my wife because reading here I learn of the impact that that would have in my wife's mind so at the same time I'd been very patient doing small things at the time but I made some Marrakesh as you did doing promises based in yhe knowledge inhad at that time and let me tell you something g very important, you don't know the person you will turn after the time, nobody does so no more promises.

At the same time just show your wife you are a better person. In my experience, my mind has shift from thinking as a man yo think more as a woman, if course it didn't happen from night to morning but was so slow but wife did notice before than me and that result in a more comfortable life for her.

I reached to the point of living full time starting g on her rejection, then ignoring things, then commenting, later supporting and now enjoying time together doing things she likes and things I like so we both had done concessions but just based in something g that's very important, we love each other. In the last, as you're thinking, I made wrong assumptions too, I thought she no longer love me but one day I had a conversation with one of my sons while she was busy but "listening" and I open my heart and was more open and honest with him, from that day she was more open and more supportive.
Now she says thing as "you do weird things" and I agree saying because im different, I'm weird, so agreeing with her, si she doesn't feel is wrong, I know that soon we will discuss the bottom surgery and will be accepted for her.

We have 41 years married now and that's something very difficult to forget or deny.

Be patience, no more promises, ask forgiveness for had no respect boundaries but explain her that you didn't know all the implicancies but your love hasn't change and won't and that's something you must have very clear in your mind before to say it.

Mho,

Devi