A re intro since people don't undestand me and they are right Lets clear the air
I go by lexi on this forum and in my dreams. Im a 30 yr old straight male with bipolar and some physical health problrms like out of whack endocrine function for female AND male sex hormones but genetically im XY.
This forum means a lot to me and it’s the first time I have had people who I can say “YES that’s exactly what its like and how I feel. “ And all the members give good loving advice back. Truth is told when it might not be what I want to hear but always with non judgemental love and compassion. For the first time in my life I am not alone in being confused over my gender identity. I have never told anyone this and to be able to trust a bunch of strangers over the internet proves how good humanity can be and how we (I) am not alone in this struggle that for year I thought was just a terrible disease was born with. Something never to be acted upon or brought up as its worse then not normal its morally wrong. That’s what I was taught in church that I had an illness brought on not ny a pathogen but by my choosing. Everytime I had this feeling I was choosing to be a bad person even though I couldn’t control it anymore then I liked apple pie.
Then I turned to a teenager and still had these feelings. I had to hide them in school as I didn’t want to be the morally wrong pervert who is choosing to do the wrong thing. So I put the feeling in the box and became my worst enemy telling my self I was sick and letting myself feel that way I was being weak and giving into sin.
Then I get a little older and denounce the hatred of the church but still “I’m just you straight macho guy with the hot girl friend doig manly things. Not because hey feel right but because that “right “ I feel is actually a disease and it easily cured by not doing it. “How hard is it to act like man and not do this girly faggot shit?” "Effing loser homo grow a pair” I was once told for makin a referanc to doig some thing I considered kind and the right thing t do. But you are young and they are right. Men don’t act like sissies or bitches unless they want their asses beat.
In the next ten years I would battle with going blind as I found a place that could restore down to 20/20 for years until one day I went there a few years ago and they said “That’s it” “What do you mean that’s it?” “You are at the limits of our technology and the best we can do is 20/100 and its going to et worse for few more years. This came at the height of my most successful business I owned to date. If I wasn’t at that business 60 hrs plus a week it would just slip then die. Which it did as I tried to give more responsibility to people who would handle things I couldn’t see. Bye Bye Mazarati that is only on its second oil change and expensive house in the third richest county in the US. Even with me pulling off miracles and damage control I had to sell it for 450000 as I couldn’t run it and NO ONE was competent to run it except one partner who whas just about to become a radiologist MD so he was done too.
So go ahead several years to now when Im thirty: I have seen the world lived the life been successful at American business made money had girl friends owned lots of land sports cars, businesses, homes, vacation homes and every aspect of the American dream I thought I needed but didn’t and I’m starting to realize in getting old (at age 30) yes I am old health wise. I have been shot twice and was told by doctors I was going to die. I suffered two more accidents where I wasn’t supposed to live ( had my height reduced from 5’8” to 5’3” watched my muscles atrophy away and see the estrogen in my body start making me soft. Then I would be in a coma, then I wouldn’t be able to walk. Oh yeah that vision thing buy this point is terrible and I can’t do a lot around the house. So two years later (hours and hours of PT doc visits surgeries nursing holes) to present day I have 90% mobility although I’m reduced in stature: had my “man hood” taken away. My body shrunk down from lack of test and estrogen taking over in the healing process making my body hair thin and getting excess “softness” in my arms hips and thighs and breasts. What happened to being a manly man even when I feel like a girl and my mind keeps telling me I have wicked impure disires that are out of sync with nature and the bible that I was taught would be my salvation assuming you stay the sex you were born and don’t even thing sbout impure thoughts. So now I’m well enough to go back to college again and pull off a four year degree so I am not a Burden on the state like so many people who are injured end up becoming. No F that. Just because I can’t see and my physical stature has changed: Im 5’3 now and lost all my muscle tone and my endocrine system is acting up releasing estrogen and making me soft and I have almost no male hormones except the ones I force into my body. These have been exacerbated by the injuries.
That’s a short taste of the nutshell of my life. So things happen fast. I make a lot of posts rapid fire then I go away in shame and depression thinking how I need to be a real man and just cut out this girly shit throw away those clothes and don’t hand out on those sites on the net go workout at the gym pick up some hot chicks like you used to and when you feel sexually frustrated abnormal just have sex with her. You have always had hot girls in the past whats stopping you now? So I feel that way and won’t post. Or Ill get manic and start to see the right way but then goover the top.
But as of late I have seen what I need to do. I need you guys to help guide me through and with this and become who I truly am. No more fighting/ macho man denial. I have earned so much just from reading little blurbs and seeing the pretty pictures of the beautiful members that changed not chained from something but finally finished changing into what they were supposed to be.
Thank you.
