Marriage: a kind of purgatory for the crossdresser?

[SIZE="2"]“Perhaps it’s better to die alone than to live life in eternal purgatory”

I heard the above-quoted line spoken in a movie the other day, and I immediately thought about all the many ways that marriage and MtF crossdressing go together like oil and water, if they go together at all! I mean, 50 % of the threads in this section are about marriage problems, or little glimpses into that “eternal purgatory” that marriage can be, especially for those who CD...

Before I go any further, I should mention that I am happily NOT married, but I was once engaged to be married. Yup, I actually went through a period where I wanted to ditch my deviancy and join the rest of society, perhaps burying my crossdressing proclivities for good, at least in theory. I had a chance to conform and be normal, at long last, but, alas, it didn’t work out. While I was dating and then going steady with my fiancée, I tucked my crossdressing out of sight, and it became more and more invisible over time. She was extremely feminine, liked to shop for clothes, and I could live vicariously through her, and thus at least satisfy my CD longings. I dressed like a male for her – HER idea of a male, and I had some nice male clothes. Eventually, I committed a purge of my femme “collection” – surely I would never need my girly stuff again, right? Wrong...

We broke up. Away from my beloved, my ex, crossdressing returned and blossomed – all of my participation on discussion forums like this one has come after my near-marriage experience. I came close, but if I had actually become a loving husband I wonder if my crossdressing would’ve returned at a later date, causing a ruckus within the carefully defined parameters of M and F. Reading the various cries for help in this section from MtFer’s drowning in their marriages, I think I would have become one of them! It’s obvious that the urge or need to crossdress doesn’t go away, which may indicate that it is part of what can be called the “soul,” and thus undeletable. Your very life is at stake – you MUST dress, but nearly everyone you meet wishes you wouldn’t, or hopes that you won’t. Apparently crossdressing is some kind of sin, and this brings us back to the idea being in a kind of purgatory whilst married...

I think it’s safe to say that we are programmed to get married and raise a family. If this is not in our DNA, the idea is implanted at an early age and then reinforced at every turn – society wants you to be fruitful and multiply, probably because it benefits the artificial framework that keeps us in line, i.e. civilization. He who deviates from these guiding precepts is a menace to society, and true freedom, inferred but not proffered, only amounts to lip service. I want to be reasonably free and enjoy life, so I look upon my non-attachment with a certain amount of satisfaction – it certainly helps my crossdressing, in fact I can CD to my heart’s content, which happens to be the reason why I do it in the first place. When I read about someone trying to crossdress within a marriage, with the inevitable angered spouse completely unaware of it, or WHO she has married, I feel a little better about being single, and I feel sorry for the poor misunderstood crossdresser...

I suppose it’s like bringing another woman into the relationship, and this just won’t do, unless the wife (or SO) is aware of crossdressing, and aware of the need that some males have to crossdress. It sounds like someone may have to have grounding in psychology to understand male behavior, but crossdressing even baffles the crossdresser on occasion! Surely the spouse can understand the need for pleasure, or relaxation, or relief, or joy, so why is MtF crossdressing such a big deal? I get the feeling that, no matter what form it takes, or no matter what language you use to describe what comes naturally, you will, by rote, be seen as a sexual deviant. It’s just not in the implanted human handbook to encounter such an unexplainable thing like crossdressing – a male willfully tosses away what he should grasp with his STRONG arms, and act in a manner that is consistent with his gender, or a female’s opinion of that gender, as he just tries to make himself (briefly) a little more comfortable...

Is it a sin to crossdress, so you are obligated to NOT do it for the good of a marriage? Is it really all that bad? Let’s say you live a long and happy life, married, but you’re always wondering what might have been if you had taken that other, less-traveled path. You wanted to be accepted, right? You wanted to do what everyone told you is RIGHT, correct? If you crossdressed once upon a time, marriage may be a way to expiate your sins, cleansing your soul of this deviant desire you once had. Settling into a marriage equates to atonement for crossdressing – you are now where you should be, where everyone expects you to be, and there will be no more nonsense, OK? You are now in purgatory, a state or place of temporary punishment, coupled with remorse, able to reflect on what was, or what could have been – they (outsiders) have made it crystal clear that crossdressing is WRONG, so you must pay the price by removing your true “self” from the equation. Sounds good (I guess), but SHE must be obeyed at all times. The other she, the she you are, also must be obeyed, lest ye perish, dear friend. What to do?

I know there are many successful marriages where crossdressing is incorporated into the mix and even flourishes on occasion, but other marriages seem to suffer from lack of information, or a full-blown betrayal of human reality – some males must dress, period, just like everyone needs to do something that brings them pleasure, or helps them to express themselves, or just allows them to get through the day with one’s sensibilities intact. Brother Theodore once said that life is a kind of affliction, and the only way to cure it is to not be born at all. “But who is as lucky as that?” he would add. Crossdressing, MtF variety, is a way of dealing with this affliction of existence – if it could only be seen in this context, I think many wives would be able to welcome the “other” woman into their lives, or at least achieve some sort of mutual compromise...

I’m glad this will never be a problem for me, but the downside of being single is that I will die alone. There is no wife, no SO, so therefore there will be no children, plus I am the youngest one in my dwindling family. I can see my end just over the horizon, and I will be alone, a man with his thoughts, probably wearing panties for comfort. But, will I die alone? Isn’t SHE within me, or beside me, or a part of me? I let her out to play many years ago, giving her form and substance, and she has accompanied me on all my adventures, often taking the lead when the dogs of society were at a safe distance. Also, I am not a purgatorian, meaning I don’t believe in the doctrines of purgatory – I am solely responsible for my life, and my purported shortcomings, so I dress up as often as I can. I don’t believe I am committing a sin for doing so, but, in any event, there’s nobody around to disagree with me! I wish you well, my married CD friends...

Tell me - is marriage satisfying for you, or is it like a kind of purgatory? :thinking:

BTW, I was once the “other man” in a love triangle, and you need to know that I have a healthy respect for marriage – please don’t get me wrong! I’ve observed many, many marriages either up close or from within. My main concern is the plight or subjugation of the MtF crossdresser within a marriage – on one hand, he’s doing what is expected of him, but on the other hand, he’s doing something he’s very much NOT expected (or supposed) to do, namely dress against his gender in a situation that obliges him to do otherwise. Either way, he “can’t get no satisfaction.”
:sad: [/SIZE]

I have been married twice and kept it a secret from both. It wasn't hard as I had kept it a secret from the world since I was 4 or 5. Yes you do give up much being married but you gain a lot too. Unfortunately for me I think I have decided that the right partner for me is just not out there. I give a lot in a marraige and become dissapointed when it is not returned. There was always something missing. Yes I did crossdress during the marriages but I travel a lot in my job and I dressed in hotels hundreds or thousands of miles away. It wasn't so much the thought of giving it up because I married very young and never lived alone long enough to pursue it as I do now. I have now realized I would rather live alone even if it means I will die alone. I am happier now than I ever was before.

Purgatory? I don't know but there was always something missing.

Another two-timer....er, I've been married twice. And fortunately in both marriages, the CDing wasn't and isn't a problem. I didn't tell my first wife about my prediliction...she inadvertently coaxed it out of me by encouraging a little CD bedroom play. My enthusiasm was a bit too obvious. But for many years it was something we were able to enjoy in privacy...although it was limited to underdressing and lingerie. What ended the first marriage was not CDing, but the baggage I carried. My self loathing reflected in a number of inappropriate behaviors, such as a highly volatile temper, which overtime took a significant toll on our relationship.

I didn't get the help I needed until the end of that marriage forced me into therapy (something I'd assiduously avoided because of my fear that the subject would inevitably come up). Once in therapy I was helped to realize that I wasn't flawed, wasn't a pervert or a criminal...or whatever I believed deep inside. And it really changed my perspective on life.

So, I entered into a new relationship largely free of that baggage. I shared this essential truth about myself before we were engaged and again, new woman, new decade and it wasn't a deal breaker. Now I live with far more freedom to express this part of myself than I could have imagined a few years ago.

I am a person who evidently prefers to be in a relationship. And its important to me that I can fully be in the relationship, not hiding a portion of who I am. I've also had the great joy of being a parent and helping two sons and two step daughters grow into kind, intelligent and capable adults. I know that its not possible for everyone, but I've been lucky in that respect, twice - probably more good fortune than anyone deserves in life.

I have only read your header today Frederique, and I think it is only purgatory for some.
They are able to resolve their issues and then it becomes heaven.
Unfortunately for others it is hell often caused by religious beliefs.

Thankyou for this thread. It speaks to me on many levels. I was once happely engaged to be married, but she passed away. I've dated a few times, but I'm happiest by myself. I've lived alone for almost 20 yrs, but I'm not lonely. I have alot of friends and family. I know I will die alone, but I don't care. I want to die happy. My crossdressing is for me only and at this point in my life, I want to keep it that way.

Not at all like purgatory. I have been married twice and in a few months my total years of marriage will total 50. I have never lived alone, going straight from living with my parents in my early twenties to my first marriage, which ended with the death of my wife from cancer over 20 years later. I was not alone in the period between marriages, as I was left with two young children to raise on my own. I can not imagine the loneliness and emptyness of not having my wife by my side...actually I should amend that to say I did experience it for a while and it was hell. The only thing that got me through this horrible period was the fact that I was far too busy being a single parent to have time to dwell on my miserable state.

Crossdressing has never been a serious problem in my marriages. I entered both marriages during prolonged periods of abstinence thinking that it was all a thing of the past. The later return of the desire in both cases was met with an understanding that underscored the strength of our love and commitment to each other.

Satisfying is far too mild a word to describe my feelings toward both of my wives. Purgatory? Hell no.

Veronica

Frédérique, I have read many of your posts. All very thought provoking. I disagree with your theory about marriage and the crossdresser. But you and I come from different opinions on several levels and feelings about marriage, crossdressing and the simple choice as to live alone or be in a loving bond with a woman. For me, if I felt I was going to live my life alone with no one to love and no one to love me, then please dig a hole roll me into it and cover me up. To be honest, I detest living alone. I was happier in my slowly failing marriage just knowing someone else was under the same roof. We lived the last 2 years of a 19 year relationship as if we were brother and sister. Let's just say we slowly grew apart, yet I still loved her as a woman, as a person and as a friend. Crossdressing was not the issue at all... maybe partly very indirectly, but she was fully accepting and never had any issues about my crossdressing. Same for my wife before her, who died only 10 years into a good marriage. My current SO is also very supportive and accepting. (lives in another state due to family obligations...for now.)... To the point she once said that if I quit crossdressing, I would not be the same person she was attracted to in the very beginning.
If being a CD was rated on a scale of 1-10, some here are a 10 and some are just a 1 when it comes to how important CDing is to them in relationship to their marriage. If I could quit CDing I would before losing the one I love. But on that scale I am probably about a 5. I can understand those that are closer to a 10 might not even consider staying in a marriage IF they were forced to chose. I am very glad that is not me.
I can't and won't even fathom a life without a loving GG as my partner. I could not do it and be happy.

I've been married for quite a few years now, and for myself it is nothing like purgatory. My wife is accepting of my crossdressing, and we are quite happy together. That said, I believe there is nothing wrong with someone that doesn't choose to get married. In fact, I think a lot of people go into relationships more because of their own fear of being alone, than they do because they actually have a strong connection with someone.

Before I met my wife, I was quite content on my own. I think being grounded enough to be happy on your own is a prerequisite to being able to have a strong relationship with someone. As for the crossdressing, it wasn't an issue for me when I dated, nor is it one with my marriage. Being honest in the beginning made that a whole lot easier. Not all women are okay with crossdressing, but I can't fathom why I would consider being with someone that didn't like such a big part of me, so I didn't particularly care when they lost interest when I told them. Overall, I found most women didn't care a whole lot one way or the other, and the usual reaction was more of curiosity than outright hostility.

Nor, do I truly understand why someone would want a relationship with someone that they couldn't be honest with. I find that truly perplexing to me, as I would never have an interest in spending a large chunk of my life locked away feeling guilt over my dressing. I guess maybe that's a generational gap? It seems most of those that hide away in the closet are on the older side, and perhaps that's the difference?

I suppose marraige has been satisfying for me. I married a woman who knew of Desiree prior but did not know the full extent I delved into being a woman and this turned her off. Funny, soon as we were married, my crossdressing increased considerably. I somehow thought I was in the free and clear now that I had been deemed "normal" by marrying.

I can say I would not go back and change a thing. I have two wonderful children by her and have been able to put Desiree in the closet for the sake of the family. Last thing I ever want to do is influence my children's sexuality, as my mother did in a roundabout way.

For me, seriously dressing from the age of 16 to the age of 40, it was all about becoming an attractive woman. Unfortunately my male self let himself go and becoming a desirable woman again is next to impossible. So that and with health problems, I now have only my dreams, stories, and escapism via websites like this. Last thing I wish to do is have a heart attack while dressed. When I go out, I want to go out a man. Desiree had her good times and I'm happy with the memories.

The other she, the she you are, also must be obeyed, lest ye perish, dear friend. What to do?

Oh,my, Freddy! You do have a talent for hitting a nail,right on it's head! At least from my perspective. Yeah, purgatory might be a good way to put it. Neither here,nor,there. As my so and I try to deal with it, I see no progress,although, I'm not at the beginning of it either. I want to push further,in my transition, and it seems she is at the end of her road. What to do? Being "alone", would open doors for me, and move this along much faster. But, we are a good team together, in all other aspects. Not exactly satisfied, in either world. I bend for the good of us, but, I'm not sure I can keep bending. What to do?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by JodyCD

..... I think being grounded enough to be happy on your own is a prerequisite to being able to have a strong relationship with someone. ...

---

Truer words were never spoken, er...typed.

I was unhappily married but crossdressing was not an issue. I had never crossdressed or tried crossdressing with my ex-wife. She was unloving, cold, distant, hard to live with. I worked hard and sacrificed much to make marriage work. Maybe I never tried crossdressing because of all the barriers that existed. I went through a painful but welcomed divorce and met my current wife who changed my life. She actually nudged me into crossdressing by suggesting that I do the things in life that make me happy. She supports and enjoys my crossdressing.

I've been married to an awesome woman for 25 years. We have two grown kids. She enjoys having Sami around from time to time. Life is good!

She has known about my "hobby" since well before we were married. This is key to a successful relationship.

I do know where the line is and I'm careful to consider her feelings and not step over it.

Isn't Purgatory a ski resort in Colorado? I don't ski anymore, so it doesn't matter. Wow, to live alone, who is going to do the cooking and washing! LOL... Seriously, I would be in the funny farm without my wife to help me be normal and happy. Couldn't live without her, she completes me. To love... accept, and to be loved... accepted by another person inspite of all the personality quirks is truely grand.

I've been married twice. I wouldn't call my first marriage purgatory. It was more like the place a little south of there. I only very rarely attempted any CDing mainly because I didn't have any time. I worked two jobs - mostly to stay away from the virago - and when I wasn't working, I was rarely alone. My only outlet during that time was fantasy fueled by TG and femdom fiction. My second job allowed me plenty of time to read since I only had to "be there" in case something went wrong. In those days, BTI (before the internet), you had to scour the letters in men's magazines, publications like Variations, or slink into the adult bookstores to find literature like that. I never spoke to the harridan about any of this since the first word out of her mouth during any disagreement was "faggot." So I didn't think I should give her any more ammunition. Thankfully, the termagant left me for a "real" man since I wouldn't leave her due to a misguided loyalty to my kids. I stayed single for five years after that.

My second marriage couldn't be more different. I don't really write about my marriage much because after all the heartbreaking stories one reads here, most would probably think I was either lying or bragging. Let's just say I'm living north of purgatory now. I don't have any advice for people in a bad relationship except to get out of it sooner rather than later. If you're lucky, someday you'll find yourself in one you don't want to fix or leave. I got lucky. I can be completely open with my wife and there is nothing about me that offends her. I worship the ground she walks on going on 18 years.

i have never been in a situation when i could have explained my 'real' self to any of the people I have ben in relationships or marriage with. I have been married and divorced three times and they have got progressively worse. Even though I went into all 3 with the best intentions but have not really picked the right kind of person. Being a musician and a creative person is great at the beginning but soon becomes difficult with the hours and life stile. One day I might meet someone of like mind who is open minded.

It is difficult to say that you are a cross dresser to anyone, really. Most people I have met are judgmental about such things so it has been best for me to keep quiet about it. Now, however, I feel much more liberated about it and fell that I don't really want to to be just my own personal secret. My siseter knows and is really supportive about it. Others will follow. Lucy

No purgatory here. Happiness is within yourself. Relying on others for happiness is a recipe for disaster.

I was single until I was 28. Really didn't think about marriage it just happened. Divorced 10 years later. She used CDing as an excuse but she just wanted out. By myself for two years when I met my SO. I have no regrets. The time alone is great as you have no one to answer to while at the same time having a SO to share with is terrific also. Being a CD is a gift that I have grown to greatly appreciate and doesn't hinder a relationship in the least.

Hi Frédérique, while I accept that being transgendered may make relationships and marriages difficult at times, it need not of necessity make them qualify as purgatorial.

Marriage has lots of other compensations – especially in the form of love, companionship and the joys of parenthood. But even when a marriage ends, as mine did after almost thirty years, it is necessary to readjust and get on with life – and, if you are lucky or make a special effort, even discover the joys of living alone in the event that you do not have a new partner.

Living alone and feeling lonely are two different things. It is sometimes said that happiness is wanting what you have – so if living alone is what you are doing, either through choice or necessity, then why not learn to enjoy it and value its positive aspects? For example: the freedom to come and go as you please and address the needs of your female persona in the ways that are natural for you.

We did not choose to be transgendered but Nature excels in producing diversity and we are part of that diversity. Besides, there are also lots of positive aspects to being transgendered and a lot worse could have happened to us.

Ok...I was married for 34 years before either of us knew Tina existed. But...now we do! So, what is the outcome:

The outcome is a closer relationship that has allowed for more conversation about topics that were never even on the table before because we never knew they existed! Tina flourishes because we both want to know who the devil she is and what role she has played (will play) in our relationship. Tina is a joint effort between the two of us married folks. Maybe at 7 years Tina is still a curiosity, but it's a deep curiosity and at the moment it seems unlikely that she will disappear any time soon. Tina is becoming more and more a part of our lives and that fact seems to enhance the quality of the marriage as time proceeds.

As with any other part of marriage, transgenderism takes communication and agreement. If I had wanted 20 chlildren and a wife who stayed home and did nothing but raise those children, I'm pretty sure my current spouse would have turned on her heel and walked away. Compatiblity is not something one can take for granted. It has to be worked out beforehand, and with transgenderism it is very difficult to know if that can happen. After all, do we really know ourselves early enough in life to bring it into the relationship as a meaningful and understood conversation? It might be that in the future society will mature enough to allow these types of conversations to be normal and expected. Until then we are all on our own and need a large dose of luck to make it work before we can work at it! :)

So many brilliant sentences in the original post. Thank you.

Well, I'm married, of course, as you well know. And for the crossdresser in me, my marriage has indeed been something that got in its way. Were I not married, I shudder to think to what extents I'd have taken this. So in a sense, my marriage has tempered my crossdressing, and held it in check. Other than my wife's disapproval of my crossdressing, which is something I dearly love to do, our marriage has grown into something that I love even more dearly. I have no idea how to get along without her, and I hold a deep and passionate love for her. Vinegar and oil, with some good Italian spices thrown in. The two may not mix, but they go very well together. The only thing I'd change would be her attitudes towards my crossdressing.

I just don't know how to get along without the crossdressing, either. Sigh.

I think I can definitively say maybe. As we've already seen from the previous posts there's a wide variety of different situations and every marriage is different. I really don't think we could classify marriage as good or bad (Purgatory or not) for the crossdresser. It depends on who they are, who their SO is, and the unique aspects of their relationship.

I think it has been a growing experience for my wife and I. There have been ups and downs (We're way up now :hugs:) in our 13 years with some tears and some joy. However, I've never felt trapped in anything like Purgatory. Since we've been able to talk about it it always seems like we're moving somewhere.

Now, crossdressing and young kids on the other hand... :devil: That's another story!

I kept my crossdressing a secret from my wife throughout our marriage. I know my [now ex] wife very well and to have told her would not only have finished my marriage but she would have labelled me a pervert and told everyone about me.

So yes, it was hard for me but there is always a silver lining to every cloud Freddy.
I now have a home of my own and live as Suzy most of the time.
And most important of all I have two lovely sons, a daughter-in-law, and an amazing daughter!

Was it purgatory? Well yes, a bit, but that has just made me even more appreciative of the life I have now. Living on my own is wonderful and I can never be lonely because of my wonderful family.

A very very lucky Suzy:)

Wow, beautiful writing from the OP!

Two thoughts from a GG:

One - Crossdressing often seems more important than marriage on this board, but the responses on this thread have shown otherwise!

Two - Marriage isn't the only relationship two people can have. I often think less emphasis on the 'together forever' and more on the honesty/friendship would mean less secret crossdressers and more accepting partners. Forever is forboding if your partner isn't absolutely perfect!

Perhaps just work the present? :)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by DoorMat

Wow, beautiful writing from the OP!

Two thoughts from a GG:

One - Crossdressing often seems more important than marriage on this board, but the responses on this thread have shown otherwise!
:)

---

[/QUOTE]
Hi doormat, for some of us, crossdressing is not more important than our marriages. For very few it may be. But the majority of cross dressers would quit crossdressing to save their marriages, they really would. Though they would be unhappy, and they would pay the price of all the hidden stresses that come with abstaining from that which is so hard to control, Some of us are so strong. Those 13 years proved to me that purging dailey could be done. BUT, I was a nervous wreck and I didn't understand why. Now that I can become Tara anytime I want / need to, I looked back at my life and I realised that I was absolutely suffering for having suppressed this side of my being for so long. But from my perspective, I think that most CD's would stop it, though it would be so painful and oh so stressful, from what I have learned over a life time, that most of us would give it up to keep our wives. I have oftentimes been at the crossroads on this issue. I speak for myself only and not for others, for we are all as vast in this like night and day. I lived without becoming Tara for 13 years. I found myself again just in 2010. So much progress has been made since then with my sweet wife and I. For her, there was a life time of my understandings or misunderstandings that I or we found one night, my wife was expected by me and for her as well, ,,to grasp in a few weeks or months of what even I, as a cd, didn't fully understand. I still do not know why I must do this, so I know my wife is even farther from understanding this.

Just keep moving forward, stay on here. Read all that you can on here. This is the best site about cd'ing on the whole internet, tho it does have it's flaws, it is still the best site on the web for you to find answers to your particular situation. GG's have their limits on accepting, cd's have a certain limit on how far they want to go with their cross dressing. No two people are alike. For some marriages, cross dressing can be incorporated into the marriage,and for some it is a deal breaker. Some wives can accept it all the way to SRS and FFS an still stay with the one they love, some wives are on the other end of the spectrum as they say, and will not accept nor come close to tolerating any aspect of cross dressing, even if it is ONLY, wearing panties and with that being the full extent of his crossdressing. There is no cut and dried answers on here from one GG's perspective opposed to any other CD's perspective. It's all about the one they are with, and their limits, and or the limits of how far the cd husband desires to take this other side of this cross dressing.
The answers are more than can ever be typed in these forums or pages. Maybe counseling would be the answer as is so oftentimes promoted and advised on here. But if the two of you lived close to me, I'd love to sit with the both of you and talk it all out. Not that I am an expert, but I do know one thing, well, I know a lot of things, that words on a screen can help sometimes, but the both of you need one on one with those that live the life, not just some counselor, that went to school and studies on every aspect of marital problems, its like the horse to the water thing, it's best to have counseling from the those that live the life. For so many crossdressers do not understand themselves, even tho they live the life, how can a person go to school and do all kinds of studies, and get that little pretty certificate all framed up on their office wall, and tell us where we are more than we know ourselves? It would be like silver spoon types counseling us on what it's like to be poor.


Love, Peace & Respect,

Tara D. Rose