Dysphoria is strong lately

Good afternoon everyone,
I'm a genderfluid individual who most often feels a mixture of masculine and feminine. Some days I feel more male, others more female but overall I'm a little bit of both.

Lately though, my "dial" is pointing more on the feminine side than not. Generally speaking, I'm able to go to work presenting as male and it won't bother me too much, but the past week or so, I CAN'T. Going in presenting as male just feels so...untrue to myself. (Note that I most often wear male clothes in public because of comfort and utility, but will have my forms in when I feel feminine.)

Yesterday I had a doctor's appointment. I didn't want to go in presenting as female but I also couldn't bring myself to go in without my forms because it would feel so "biologically inaccurate." Inside I knew I was female, and I couldn't bear to not at least try to be female on the outside as much as I can.

But lately, these forms just don't feel like they're enough. They present the illusion of breasts, but that's all they are. Illusions. Forms. Fake.

There's this big disconnect between what I feel on the inside and the normally adequate measures I take on the outside. Lately, dressing feminine, nail polish, lipstick, forms, etc. Just don't seem to make me feel feminine enough.

I'm sure that the dysphoria will recede a bit soon, it usually does, but I guess I just wanted to vent in a place where people understand what it's like. I've got plenty of friends and family who I'm out to who are accepting, but they're cisgender. They get it on a conceptual level, but have never experienced it themselves. Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read this.

I totally get what you're feeling. Feeling like you're compromising for society's benefit when you really wish you were free to be true to yourself. I'm feeling this a lot lately. I've felt great until my dad started getting concerned about my increasingly feminine presentation. Now I'm trying to moderate more for his comfort and it just feels so wrong and is making me confused and I'm starting to feel confused. I'm the kind of person that is happy when others around me are happy so when I feel happy (or at least okay) presenting as male I begin to wonder if these are my own thoughts or are they a product of the happiness others feel when I present that way? It's getting hard for me to bear too. Have you considered going to a gender therapist to help you sort this out? I think that would be a good and productive step if you can afford to do so. You may get the clarity and answers you need. I'm going to start going myself soon Just as soon as I get a call back from the therapist to set up my initial appointment.

I actually saw one years ago and it really helped me come to accept myself. Lately I've been seeing a regular therapist for normal stuff and my gender identity has come up a few times.

I think in my case, I've been a lot more cognizant of what I do for myself and what I do for others. That was actually a big theme of my regular therapy, how I was making myself miserable by trying to force myself to be someone I wasn't for the approval of others.

I don't know if what I will say can help.
To live a whole life, 20, 40 or 60 years as a man and one day start realizing that we are not 100 % Male is like a electrical short circuit (if the example helps).

it's like my ethnicity, I was born in a Hispanic country, with Spanish as language, after 40 years I left that country and came to the states, this is my country now. I wish I could have better English, with no accent but I will always be a Chilean guy, even thought I'm a US citizen and love everything from this country, but that doesn't deny my right to live here as an American does, enjoy their food and everything he/she does.
The same, I was a man but now I'm a trasgender woman, there are things I miss from being a man but at the end of the day, the bottom line says I feel more comfortable and really true living as a woman, some people don't see it in that way, other people accept me as a woman, so for me, for now, I'm a transgeder woman, with all the the back pack I carry as had been a man for around 55 years.
The positive is I can understand both world better than cis men or women.
Today I don't stop to analyze or remember that past.
That's my life, my conclusion and advice for you is look for help, therapy, a real gender therapist, then try, see if may be, hormones help. Many report that just getting into HRT changed their life in a way that before do it is imposible to even imagine.
My cent.

I appreciate the advice, thank you