Need Advice I Am The Wife That Found Out And Trying To Understand.

Oh where do i begin? A couple of months ago i found out my husband of only a few months was a cross dresser by finding a ton of clothes in his trunk. I was mortified. How could this be? You have a son. I have a daughter and i do not want this type of relationship. Don't get me wrong these were my thoughts at that moment. I am not insulting anyone. But we have the ideal life, 2 kids a cat a dog great jobs a beautiful home and now this?? Of course at that moment i said "it is over you know that right?" his response was i expected that. He has been married 2 times before and they found out and left him. Low and behold he had told me that they left for other reasons. Anyway i decided to stick it out because of the children i mean i would jump in front of a truck for them so why not sacrifice myself for their happiness. So i asked him to get rid of the clothes and think of the kids. Well i thought he did i saw them in the trash and then last week i was supposed to go away for a meeting and i had a sick feeling that he was up to something so decided to swing by the house to see and you betcha the clothes were laying on the bed. Ok guys/gals what is this i need to understand. I feel so lost so confused. I do not find the female race attractive at all, thus my dilemma with this situation. I love the male race the masculinity and the security they present. With my husband i never have felt this feeling, if i broke up with him he would cry. I dont cry with him or any other man. he is emotional. Me i could care less when it comes to relationships. Dont cry just move on whats the big deal? I almost didnt marry him because he was so emotional and sensitive and i need a man that is stronger than me and truth be told i am pretty strong, so strong that i too have been questioned of my sexuality by outsiders, but i love love men..anyway this is not about me but about my kids.. I do not like the dressing and many of you have said that your wives have found out. How do we cope? Is it that he wants to be with a man? I did find out that he took a toy and used it but said he did not like it. He said he is not attracted to men. But then why would you dress like that? I do not understand and need you guys/gals to help me. Please....sorry this is so long..and all i can say is thank you to all those who respond..

Well here is a bit to get you going and then when you calm down a notch or two (and stop using capitals to shout!) you'll be better prepared.

Most crossdressers are NOT gay.
Most crossdressers do not want to be a woman.
Most crossdressers have NO IDEA why they have this urge. It is something they are born with. Would you leave your husband because you found out he was colour blind from birth? He can't help it.

And remember....It is ONLY CLOTHING!! he didn't kill anyone!

If you are looking for genuine information and understanding then this is the right forum for it.

I wish you luck.

Brina First off take a Breath and then another one, and you are right the kids are the most important thing, on the planet right now and always will be. Listen to what Julie York said to start and you have come too the right place to start . Now give him a Hug and one for yourself. There are lots of resources here and you'll find that to be true shortly.
Read what you can here and keep a level head we are all here for you and yours!

Big Hugs RenaCD

Hiya

First off, welcome to the forum. I've moved this thread here, as I think you will get a lot more advice in this section.

You are in a situation most GG's have been in. The shock, the mixed feelings etc, but it all can be dealt with given time. You have come to the right place, there are many GG's here that will help you. There is also a private area that I'm going to PM you about. First of all, you need to know that crossdressing or being transgendered is not something that one can just stop for the sake of anyone. It's not an illness, it's something most men/women are born with.

Society I'm afraid will give you the wrong impression of what being transgendered means, but I'm hoping that we can all educate you and help you learn about your husband. Juile is right, she has made some good points. Wearing womens clothing does not make someone gay, it is something inside them that has grown with them probably from being small. You need to sit down and talk to him about it. Ask him when it all started, why it started, has he always been a CD. Don't throw away your relationship without first getting to know all the facts and at least getting some help and advice here first.

Tam x

Hi BRINA
Don't Panic
Welcome to our community
Now to the questions. First you need to keep communicating with your husband.
Crossdressing is something you husbamd needs to do. If it had been otherwise the clothes would have been thrown away. Many here have tried that and it has cost them a fortune in time and money.
However it does not mean that he loves you any less because of this.
I imagine he was petrified of telling you and did not want to lose you.
As has been said the vast majority of crossdressers are hetrosexual.
it does seem unlikely he is gay or want to be with a man or why get married.

He probably just feels he needs to express his feminine side. As you have said you are not attracted to women. You may eventually feel you have gained a gf to discuss fashion with but nothing else.
I assume he will want you to accept his dressing , which may not be easy for you. If you do you have a few choices
These are the most obvious
Let him dress when no one else is around including you.
Let him dress when no one else is except you.

You will need to have a lot of discussions with you husband

Last but not least have a private conversation with some of the genetic girls here.
There are lots of things to read which will be posted by others.

Good luck for the future

First off, I would like to say hello, and from personal experience, you have deff. came to the right place for a little advice!! I am a GG who has been recently in your situation. I had the same feelings as you. All of the advise so far is correct. Your husbands CDing does not, in any way shape or form, change who he is, and who you fell in love with. He obviously has been doing it for a very long time, and it is a part of him. If you decide that you want to make it work, ask ?'s, set out ground rules, and COMMUNICATE!!! No, it does not make him gay, and it does not mean that he is less attracted to you. He just likes the way that woman's clothes look and feel on him. It has not affected your life together before you found out, and only you can make sure it doesn't affect your life together after you found out. Some people can't handle it, and that is perfectly fine. Me on the other hand, I love and respect my husband too much to have something that is a significat part of his life, ruin our happiness together. It is a choice that only you can make. Good luck!!

Hi Brina:

I am not going to go on with a long rant about why, we don't know why. It is like me asking you why you are the way you are, you just are.

I do know that the clothing in his trunk was there not so much because he was hiding it from you but because he was protecting you and your children from having to know.

I will leave the rest of this for the GG's to help you deal with it. I am not a GG and I can't see things from their viewpoint. I know this must be a very difficult thing for you, but there are GG's here who were in your same shoes and have come to be tolerant and some even enjoy their spouses dressing.

I wish you luck and understanding.

Welcome to the forum. You will find lots of support and suggestions here. The first thing to realize is that, as the others have said, crossdressing does NOT mean your husband is gay. I rediscovered dressing two years ago. I am 58. I immediately shared it with my girl friend, who was not too keen on it, but kept an open mind. I didnt dress when I saw her, but told her what I was doing when she asked. On an out-of-town weekend, I took some panties, a thong, a bra, and small breast forms. I also gave her a present of a very sexy teddy. After we checked in, I dressed in my girly things, under my male clothes, and we went shopping. She got right into it. We bought a pair of boots for me (in my avatar), a very sexy tight pair of knee high boots for her, some jewellery for me, a little purse for me, a very sexy bra for her. Her alter ego, Jaya, began to emerge. Jaya is the dominatrix and Wenda is submissive, and I think it helps her put an abusive relationship behind her.
Discuss it openly and honestly, try to keep calm. Set some rules, and see where it takes you. Good luck. Keep us posted.:thumbsup:

A question none of us can answear we do what we do, from an early age for some others later but everyone is right it is something we cannot stop. You must have some feelings for him, He is the same man you married its just that he is a carmelian and turns into a femail from time to time. He does not fancy men as most of us dont. some of us will change and have a operation. others will never have it. Have a coffee or tea and calm down and talk quitly and gently try not to get in an argument try to find what he wants from his fem side and if he is not a member here the please urge him to become one.
Steph

Well, I Cant Thank You Guys Enough For Replying. I Know That This Is Not Easy For Anyone. But I Just Do Not Get It?? I Mean It When I Say That I Can Accept People For Who They Are But I Have A Major Quirk. I Really Think Women Are Gross..i Love A Man.. An Aggressive Dominating Male..thus This Really Sets Me Apart..i Hate Dresses..rarely Wear Them..they Restrict My Ability To Dominate And Control Things...thus The Clothes He Wears Are Far From Appealing..i Am The Cutsie Prep..i Would Permanetly Mark A Polo On My Ankle If I Could..i Am The Typical Soccer Mom..love Gucci..and Just A Typical Country Club Born Girl.and The Clothes He Had Are Slinlky Clothes, Clothes That To Me Constitute A Cheap Trashy Female. There Is Nothing Sexy About It..old Female Lesson Those Who Wear Trash Are Trash..i Told Some Of My Friends About It And Actually Thru It Out There As A What If Your Husband Did This To Some Of My Friends And They All Said The Same Thing No Way Would I Stay..it Just Takes A Way A Necessary Security That A Woman Desires..and What About Us? Our Feelings? We Are Supposed To Be The Girls And The Guys The Guys. I Want A Man To Just Take Control. Not An Emotional Person And If You Are Born With This Per Say Then What Is It?are You Too Wanting A Woman To Be That Way With You?? Because That Is Not Fair To Do To Someone. Dont Put On An Act..it Really Hurts Guys/gals. I Am Supposed To Accept This And Support Him Emotionally, What About My Needs?? I Wont Leave, Cant The Kids, Wont Cheat Because Of The Kids, Stilling Having Sex With Him But Craving A Man...have Told Him This But He Still Is Sensitive In Bed. So That Is Lalala To Me..have Tried Talking To Him Many Times.. But Dont Think I Am Getting The Truth, I Mean Really Do I Trust What He Says Is The Truth?? If You Found Out Your Wife Was Cheating On You(which To Me Cross Dressing Is Cheating, For If You Are Married Then All Your Fantasy Should Coexist With Your Spouse) Would You Trust Her? I Am Not Trying To Be Argumentative. I Am Mad, I Am Sad And Maybe I Just Made A Mistake And Am Angry At Myself For It.

Brina, my friends who've posted above this entry have said a lot of good things that I won't add to, I just want to say "Hi". It's good to have you here and I hope you'll stay here with us!

Julie

Just a note for the group ~ not everyone that types in ALL CAPS is screeming ~ there are many that just lack the necessary keyboard skills to use the shift key over and over. There is also the handicapped. 0.02

We are here for you Brina just give it time and look over the information that is available we all know from where we/you speak. Julie and the others feel the same as I do it is so hard to imagine your SO being this way but it's no joke it's real and it pains him to. Knowledge is power and you have it here at your disposal plus the people here who want nothing but the best for you. Just talk read and talk some more it's not an overnight thing.

Love Joy Carter

Hi Brina and let me say welcome to you and please "Keep coming back." Does your husband know about this site as maybe it could help answer some of his questions and fears too.

Anyway I wish you and your family all the best. Also stop beating yourself up as your trying to do the right thing for you, your children and your husband. It is great that you are looking for answers.:)

Oh and as for CDs not being manly well you maybe surprised. I am a combat soldier in Iraq. If you saw me you would probably think "Wow" what a manly man. My hair is dirty and I am covered in dirt, blood and sweat, my skin is tanned dark by the Iraqi sun and I have a knife on my chest and a machine gun in my hands. I'm chewing gum, spitting and barking orders at my soldiers, I have not shaved in 2 days and myself and my fellow soldiers laugh loudly as we tell dirty jokes and wrestle one another. Yep that's all me and who would guess that I also like to wear womens clothes, heels and make up?

I do apologize. I am not an inept typer and have never been on a chat goup. I am here because I need help and understanding. I need you guys to talk to me with the truth no bull or smoothing it over. I was not shouting and as said I was unaware of this curtosy. Hey I am learning other things on this site..Thank you..

Whew BRINA,

You're in for a rough road. There's lots I want to say, but I'll just go with my feeling that your need to "dominate and control. . ." dictates your helplessness regarding your husband's dressing. This is certainly one part of his life that you feel utterly helpless to control.

Maybe it's not going to work out between you two, maybe it is. But, one thing that is going to help things immensely, is to stop talking this over with your friends/family etc. . ., until you resolve things with your hubby, and he has your blessing on this. There's a reason most of us keep the secret from most everyone. In most locales, society is less accepting of CDing that just about any legal activity you can think of.



Best of luck!

Sedona,

I appreciate your reply but you need to know that i do not want to control his dressing..I could care less if you do it or anyone else on this site does. One of my best friends thru my 20's was gay and he was an ex- boyfriend as well and i accepted it and even hung out with him and his new bo. But he never never was femme and secondly and most importantly I was not married to him. It is only fair that everyone on this forum not only accept and understand why you guys do it but everyone understands that when you get married that you can not and I mean can not hold this from your wives. It is not fair. Your right if you assume that the chances are that if you told them before you got married that they would not marry you. So what you guys go ahead and marry us and know that now it is legally binding and alot of you say that we stay out of love. Truth is alot of us stay becaus of kids, because what are we going to tell our friends? There is family involved, finances, and it is not as if we were beaten but if you guys only understood the emotional aspect of it on the wives. A relationship is based on many things including sexual attractiveness. And you steal that from us but now we are legally bound and yes we have grown to love you guys..You have become our partners and our suppossed futures and all along you lied to us because you are not who you portrayed to be. Especially in a case where you are watching videos(normal porn) and ejaculating to it..That really killed me. We watched that together and how do you think I feel now. Was he thinking about me when we were done or himself as a girl..Do you understand the emotional stress..Emotional stress that I did not deserve I do everrything, make great money, take care of the kids, hava all the friends, keep life exciting and you are going to do this to me. I had other options at the time and even now. Do you understand how hard that can be what if I had gone with one of them??Just trying to find my sanity again...

Brina - best advice in this thread so far: take a deep breath. You do not need to completely sort this out in 24 hours. The process of coming to terms with your discovery (or alternately, not coming to terms) is going to take some time. Don't rush it. You have had a very serious shock, and that's no time to be making long term decisions.

First: what everyone said above is correct. The fact that your husband crossdresses does not automatically mean that he is gay. It does not automatically mean that he wants to be a woman. It does not have anything to do with you, who you are, what you represent or what you may/may not bring to the relationship. His inclination long predated his involvement with you, and it will in all likelihood carry through to his grave.

Second: he cannot change. Many CDs in this group have "purged" their clothes, and may have avoided dressing for long periods of time. Even those few who have succeeded - usually at some cost to their mental well-being - still think about it; they just don't act on the impulse.

It appears that your concern run to three main categories:

1. Anger over not being told about this, and further anger when your husband did not purge his clothes upon your demand. Fair enough to be angry about this. It's a major thing to hide. I hid it from my wife for years (even though I knew she had no moral or social opposition to crossdressing in general), and that was the single worst mistake I ever made in our marriage. Like any deception in a marriage, this will take time to work through. I do, however, disagree with your characterization of this as tantamount to adultery.

2. Concerns about what this means with regard to your husband's sexual identity. This is the subject where I believe you can get the most help from this message board.

3. A general distaste for feminine traits, resulting in outrage that your (already borderline feminized) spouse has gone even further than you anticipated. Again, fair enough for you to feel this way and it will take time to sort this out. By the way: while many of the CDs here do in fact dress to give further expression to a highly feminized self, that is not always the case.

In future posts, if you are seeking information you will get a higher quality of answer if you try to keep your inquiries to a single topic. On the other hand, if you just need to get it off your chest, we are here to listen: let it all come out. All of us have been through this in one form or another, and most of us are still going through it.

One minor tip: I would refrain from telling anyone else about your discovery for a while - at least until you have really sorted out your feelings. It is impossible to put that genie back in the bottle, and you may decide later on that this is something you would rather keep between your husband and you.

Best of luck,
Erica

from the intensity of your emotional discriptions of whats going on, probably the Only thing that will work now is outside professional help. A therapist will be neutral and try to work thru both sides of this to reach some common center that the two of you might live with. He probably won't change and you probably need to understand that and accept it in some manner...or move on. If you look a at all the threads here, you will see that being a crossdresser is very complicated and there is much complexity involved and the intensity varies with the individual. The common aspect most of us share, is that a lot of us Have tried to quit, only to go back to dressing, in some form.The guilt with hiding this is a heavy one, but It's in us and the trick is to live with it and not letting it control us to the extent of ruining our lives or ruining our relationships...
I've been in a couple of accepting relationships, and they were great fun as long as i respected my mates feelings and needs and worked the dressing into the relationship...I can be both masculine And sensitive...working with a balance of the two...
He has to work with you on this, and you have to work with him...just like with all other aspects of a relationship. The children need not know anything if it is confined to the bedroom...maybe just wearing panties is something acceptible? If nothing is acceptible, to ANY degree, then dont be surprised if a therapist tells the two of you to move on in different directions...please try to be a little accepting and it will help him and you in this!

Brina,
Welcome to the forum this is the place that you can get some of your questions answered and even more importantly you can learn what questions to ask. When I found out after "Are you Gay?" and "what's next" the threads here helped me to ask the questions so we could work out the answers together.

One thing you wrote was that you need him to be a man, He is still a man, its your perception that has changed. He is the same person he always was he just happens to have another side to him that you have discovered. You don't have to embrace that side but if you chose to you can at least work with it. There really are many benefits to having a CDer for a hubby. Talk to him, see if you both can work it out. PM me if you need anything and if you would like to please think about joining the GG forum so you can chat with people who have "been there".

BRINA,

Thanks for the clarification. The prevailing sentiment on the site seems to be that it'd be good to take a moment, have a cup of tea, take a walk (or ten) and things will start to make more sense. By all means, ask your man lots of questions. You're absolutely doing the right thing by posting here. I wish my GF would do the same.

GLuck!

Hi Brina.
I appreciate your feeling of betrayal and it must be a horrible shock to think you have been lied to all this time. But most of us keep it a secret because of the fear of someone reacting EXACTLY LIKE YOU reacted.

If you had a secret that you were ashamed of...a secret that you had no choice over because you were born that way....a secret that could cause you to lose the person you love most in the world.....a secret that could make you a laughing stock in your community and maybe even lose you your job (you should NOT tell anyone else about this by the way!).....Well...that's what your husband has been living with ALL his life.

That's what your husband ran round his head time and time and time again when he met you and fell in love with you. And the decision he came to was that you were too precious to lose and he DAREN'T risk telling you.

Also, please do stay and get further advice from the people here because it is clear that you have some common misconceptions about what someone IS just because they secretly like to express a 'forbidden' part of their personality. There are as many versions and variations of this as there are differences in people. In order to understand your own situation and cope with it you need to have a wider understanding of the whole business of crossdressing.

Good luck.

I bopped back in here to say that I think your feelings of betrayal are perfectly legitemate, and that it's good for CD's to see a reaction like yours - I believe we owe women in your position an explanation. I was also going to say that I would have been simply incapable of overcoming my own sense of shame about this side of who I am, and revealing it to anyone on earth, until recent years. Happily, Julie York made the point ahead of me, and wonderfully clearly.

I also think EricaCD made two vital points:

"You do not need to completely sort this out in 24 hours."

"In future posts, if you are seeking information you will get a higher quality of answer if you try to keep your inquiries to a single topic."

That second point of Erica's is not a criticism, just sort of "tech advice" about how communication happens in forums like this, where it's very difficult to make more than one point in a single post.

Again, I think it's good, for us, and for you, that you're here, and speaking your mind.

Hi Brina

Apologies if my reply upset you
Judging by you emotional reply I think you need the support of the Genetic Girls here.
You need to chat with someone who has been through the hurt and betrayal and suffering you feel right now.
Your husband should have told you before getting married (I should have done this too but I was a coward)
This is one of the most difficult things you will ever have to endure.
It may take professional help to sort this out.
Please dont make any sudden decisions think it through.
I hope you find a solution that is right for you.

If you think I can help or you just want to get angry with someone i am usually here.
Good Luck

Brina,

After reading both of your posts and all the posts from the girls in the group I felt like I needed to post as well. But unfortunatly I am not going to seem as if I am being very supportive to you in general but I hope that what I have to say will help you to understand what your husband is probably going through.

Being a tg is not something that we can control nor is it something that we would wixh on anyone who was not born with it. It is a life of fear and hate. Your feelings toward your husband are a prime example of what is most wrong with society today. From your discription of your self you sound like very much the tomboy which there is nothing wrong with, but you also have to understand that your husband chose to marry you probably partly because of your strength. You said that you almost didn't marry him because of what you precieved as emotional weekness. Most women would kill to have a man who had some emotion rather than be a brick when it comes to emotions. You "told" him to get rid of his clothes and he didn't, what gives you the right to order him to do anything? You are his wife not his master. As a tg who has many of the same efeminate emotions that it sounds like your husband has I would have to say that he made a choice which shows that he is willing to stand up to you when it comes to being ordered what to do. Don't assume about him.

1. It's not fair to him or your children.
2. It will only cause more problems.

And just so you know: Asking your friends about this was something that is totally unfair and unacceptable no matter who you think you are. Which by the way. Just who do you think you are in the first place?

You say thaqt you are worried about you children but everything I have read is all about me me me. Not how will the children react, how will this effect them. It sounds to me as if the only person in your life that has any importance in this situation to you is you.

Take s step back and consider for a moment that the children today are much more accepting that people your age for one thing and they are much more able to deal emotionally with this type of thing that you obviously are. It sounds to me like you were not loved enough when you were a child. That there is something missing from your genetic emotions. I only hope that your children don't turn out like you because people like you are the reason there is so much war in the world right now.

I hate to say it but maybe everyone would be better off if the two of you did divorce. On one deserves to have a woman or man who has no emotion. Emotion was a gift from God that he believed we needed not just something to be thrown away because they were usless. I truly feel sorry for you and your family. Especially your family because they will never know true happyness. At least not from my point of view.

I know that most of the girls here have tried to help you the best that they can and I would love to be in the group with them but i just can't. My first wife was just like you and that is the reason we are not married now. I have never been so happy in all my life as the day that I was finally free of her. I suppose that is the reason that I feel the way I do about your "problems". Your problem is not your husband, Your problem is your unreal expectations.

This post may get me into trouble with the group and if so then so be it. I do appoligize to the group for the way I have reacted in this matter. But if we can not express our feelings here then why bother having this group in the first place.

Anna