Has anyone ever left their So due to non-acceptance?

Sadly, we hear so many stories about crossdressers who have had their wives or girlfriends leave them when they find out that their partner crossdresses. However, I'm curious if there is anyone who has ended their relationship due to their SO not accepting crossdressing. Bear with me, I'll try to keep it brief.

Allow me to elaborate. When I first met my wife, I told her about my crossdressing when we were only 3 weeks into our relationship. I made sure that she was aware of this part of me before things got too serious, and offered her the option to end it if she wasn't ok with it. I dressed for her a few times, and after that she said that this would not be a problem in our relationship. I should clarify, she wasn't enthusiastic about it, but promised to work on her comfort level. Fast forward 12 years, and not much has changed. She's still at the "tolerant" stage and has not progressed to acceptance or anything further than that. While she does occasionally purchase items for me (clothiing or makeup), she has yet to ever go shopping with me, or out to any CD events that I've attended.

I'm now at the point where I feel somewhat cheated out of the kind of relationship I had truly desired, and which I had been quite clear about right from the start. I had had relationships in the past where my girlfriends had been very supportive and encouraging, and it was fantastic. To be able to share this most intimate part of myself and have it embraced was the most incredible feeling.

So lately I have been having feelings that I am not getting what I need from this marriage. Aside from CDing, our relationship is good, but will only ever feel about 80% complete. We've tried counceling, with some success in other areas, but there's been no change when it comes to CDing. I know that no relationship is ever perfect, but going into this, this was the one of the biggest things for me, and not getting that need fulfilled has left me feeling incomplete. My wife is a wonderful womand, and I hate the thought of leaving, but at the same time I don't know if I will ever be truly happy staying together.

I'd love to hear any thought, opinions, feedback, personal experience, etc. to help me deal with this.

Sarah

I would have to say that many others here would appreciate the level of acceptance you are getting from your wife now.

It sounds like your marriage is solid other than for your desire to have more CD freedom and even more acceptance from your wife.

Good marriages are hard to find these days; check the divorce rates out!

Is what you think you want more important than throwing everything else you have away?

You did not mention if you have kids which would be whole other consideration...

... I suggest you really think about where you stand and keep reading other's posts here who have way less understanding SO's.

My wife wants nothing to do with my crossdressing. She bought me a pack of women's razors at not long after she found out, but that was it. We have been married over 30 years, she has known for 3 years or so. When she first found out, there was an unusual spike in our sex life. That fizzled out fast. She has an extremely low sex drive (has been a problem for over 20 years), and now the latest excuse is that it is because of my crossdressing. I do not go out dressed, and never wear skirts or dresses around her.
It is now to the point that I am close to moving on. I am not ready to give up intimacy like she is. She will not seek out medical help, insists that it is because of me.

I think there can be a struggle between staying in a marriage for the sake of preserving it and being truly happy. If someones not truly happy then why waste the rest of your life staying with someone just to not end the marriage. Just because some choose to stay with intollerant SO's doesn't mean that having simply tolerant SO's should be an acceptable standard. A person needs to be true to themself. However, its not fair to tell a SO late in the game and then expect them to be understanding. If someone wants a truly accepting relationship in this regard then thats what they need to seek and be somewhat open about from the near get go, otherwise its not fair to the other party and they may waste all of thier eggs in your basket under a false pretense.

Sarah and Prettytoes,
Sadly now it looks like on the same page as you, only I have forty years of marriage and grandchildren .
Counselling has been the last straw, my daughter thought my wife should attend jointly and that she should try and talk to me, they had a difference of opinion and my wife confronted me about what I need to say to her .
I tried to explain about my CDing and our relationship but too many issues can't be resolved so she decided she has had enough and that we should go our separate ways !

Hearing those words have left me with mixed emotions, now at 1.00 am I just feel numb, yes I was considering calling an end to our marriage but now it's almost inevitable all those sleepless nights going through what might happen are going to happen !

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Originally Posted by Teresa

Sarah and Prettytoes,
Sadly now it looks like on the same page as you, only I have forty years of marriage and grandchildren .

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OMG Teresa, I knew you were dealing with serious issues but didn't fully appreciate the magnitude in this 'vitrual' world, Im so sorry to hear this! 😦

Girls of a certain age will remember the advice columnists "Dear Abby" and "Ann Landers." One of them, I forget which, often gave advice to women who were thinking about divorce, by telling them to ask the question, "Are you better off with him, or better off without him?"

I think that's the question that every CDer or CDer's spouse should ask himself or herself. Sarah, you say your relationship with your wife is mostly good, but that you feel that it is only 80% complete. 80% is a pretty big number, isn't it? What are the chances that you'll do better after ending this relationship?

So are you better off with her, or are you better off without her? If you end this relationship, you throw away all that you have invested in it, and you go immediately from 80% to 0% on the relationship-satisfaction scale. And then what? A chance of getting up to more than 80% with somebody else, sure, but also a chance of not ever doing that well.

80 percent ain't bad. Three things you need to do: 1) talk to her about the importance her acceptance has on how you feel about yourself, 2) accept the present situation may only change slowly if at all, and seek some other form of accommodation, such as attending meetings of a local TG group as an alternative means of support, and 3) be patient, understanding and kind. You're asking something from her that, at least for her, is very difficult to give. Imagine if she were to expect you to give up this part of yourself entirely. Many an SO has done just that. By comparison she has shown you patience, understanding and kindness. Reciprocate.

Hey look. You were honest going in. She was honest going in. Fast forward she is tolerant. She has supported you as much as she can. You are not in a DADT situation. Find your acceptance elsewhere in a support group. Go out and have fun. Give the remainder of your time to your spouse. My ex was tolerant and somewhat supportive. But she really wasn't into active participation. Maybe sometimes around the house, but would never go out. She was tolerant and I had my freedom to dress freely when I needed. I had the freedom to pierce my ears. Wear eyeliner and shadow, colored nail polish. Various woman's blouses during my daily life. I wouldn't day she was completely happy, but our relationship was good. That was until I needed to transition. We divorced and on some level she still cares for me. Unless you need to transition. Take what is given and be content. Finding a woman to be tolerant, accepting and participatory is a task order. Good luck with whatever you decide

I'm going through it now. When we got married I was confused and didn't know what was going on with me. I tried to explain. That went so far. Later I figured out I was cross dresser/ transgender. She doesn't want anything to do with me, males or female. We're getting a divorce. Past few years haven't been that good. I'm looking for my oown place now.

This is really tough for me to say, but ...

My wife didn't know before we got married, but we just celebrated out 37th anniversary, and we're rapidly approaching the golden years. My wife has known for 8 years now, and she's at a point that she can barely tolerate it. I go out with CD friends once or twice a month, but don't do any serious cressdressing at home. I underdress sometimes, which she doesn't know about, I under-pedicure, and I try on new purchases from eBay and the like.

I guess if this was the only problem, I'd also be at 80%. However, it's not the only problem. We sleep in separate beds (not because of the crossdressing), and we run on different schedules. She's early to bed and early to rise and I'm late/late. We eat at different times because of our different schedules. In a lot of ways, we're more like roommates than a married couple. And she always seems to find a way to harass me, sometimes about household things, but also about crossdressing.

The three things keeping me in the marriage are (1) Inertia, (2) financial and (3) we're both having some medical problems. So, we're about 40%.

Sometimes, I feel like there's a bomb in the house, and either me or she will set it off. Like if she got angry enough one day to throw out my girl things, that would definitely set off the bomb. I don't think she knows how close I am to walking out, and maybe she is close also

These are some of the hardest topics for one to process themselves and even harder to bring up to a non tolerant S.O.

I was previously married and I told my ex that I cross dressed within a month of dating. Initial support turned into DADT which then turned into intolerance by year three. Eventually this and variety of other issues ended the marriage by year five. Having started an initially great relationship, we both struggled with the decision to re-commit to the relationship through the years after the divorce. As much as I wanted to get back together at times, I knew deep down that she would never, ever truly accept my innate need for dual gender expression.

A few years later I met my current wife who is the most amazing woman in the world! I told her early on as well and instead of smiling and saying "it's okay" (and not meaning it), she order multiple books off Amazon to educate herself. I have 100% support from her and am so thankful for understanding the feminine side of me. We have traveled as girlfriends and often go to Vegas to enjoy the dining and go dancing. We share jewelry and trade make up ideas constantly.

I am blessed that she came into my life and not a day goes by where I don't appreciate her and our love. Everyone has to make there own decision to their own situation and a decision that they have to live with. I just wanted to to say that I took a chance for happiness and it ended up working out for me. Good luck to all who have to agonize with this extremely difficult decision.

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Originally Posted by Sarah C.

....Sadly, we hear so many stories about crossdressers who have had their wives or girlfriends leave them when they find out that their partner crossdresses. ...

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We do? Actually, the only thing I read is others referring to others being left but what I read here is that even those whose wife hates it, stay together. Moreover, those who are honest have added that there are other issues that drove the wedge. The ex-wives and spouses here ALL state that it is not the cross dressing but the other activities that drove them away: selfishness, secrecy, lying, etc.

No, it's not cross dressing, it's a bigger relationship issue.

(This doesn't apply to one who is TS and must take steps towards transition...)


So imagine the euphoria. Free at last to play dress-up at your own leisure. You can get home from your guy job and dress to your heart's content. If you don't get out & about, no worries, just plant yourself in front of a computer and proceed to cultivate all kinds of online relationships that can replace the 80% positive relationship you USED TO HAVE with your wife.

You can even put all of your stuff in your closet and drawers like any other woman would. What a treat, not having to hide from anyone. Then you decide to paint your room pink and buy a floral Laura Ashley comforter set...that's the ticket, a feminine retreat to match your mood.

But you then figure it's best to be safe and buy a lock for your bedroom door, lest the guys come by at some point to hang out. Hey, it's a small price to pay for your little slice of feminine heaven.

And you do this day in and day out, retreating more and more from what one would consider a normal social existence. Playing dress-up has taken the place of your previous social life to the point where you don't need that lock on your bedroom door any longer as your friends no longer come calling. No matter, you have your online friends who love you just the way you are.

Eventually, it gets a bit old. Will it take weeks, months, or maybe years? You find yourself getting home from a long day of work with no desire to get dolled up. You just long for jeans and that sloppy t-shirt that is sitting in a box in the garage. You dig it out and as you plop in front of the TV it hits you. YOU ARE UTTERLY ALONE. You think back to the 80% good you once had. Perish the thought, you are 100% good because you can play dress-up as often as you wish now. Thing is, it doesn't quite have the charm it used to have. The anticipation has evaporated into routine. You discovered that it gets old wearing dresses and skirts, hosiery and heels EVERY DAY despite the fact that is how you define your feminine presentation. And closely scraping your face at least once a day so you can wear makeup is starting to get really old.

Thoughts of the wonderful times you had with the woman you were once married to now invade your mind. You try to push those out by thinking of the 20% bad, like how she refused to let you dress around her. Like how she wouldn't wash your panties (heaven foribid!) and would even throw them out if a stray landed in your laundry basket. She loved you dearly but hated that CD'ing was a part of your marriage. She suffered in silence out of shame, afraid to disclose this to any of her friends or family. Certainly no one would understand.

And now the kids rarely call as well. Did she tell them the reason for the divorce? Years of marriage, children, perhaps grandchildren. So much for the happy holiday home you both envisioned where the family would converge in a loving gathering. Then again, you were miserable at those anyways because you couldn't wear a dress.

DIVORCE, such a devastating word. Such finality. And yes, this feels as final as can be because she has remarried. It didn't take long but she found her Marlboro man, her epitome of masculinity to replace what you came to represent to her. She would have continued to work through the issues but compromise had no place in your vocabulary. Only the word MORE. She gave you some space which seemed to be enough for years but you wanted more. More dress-up time was what you wanted and more is what you have...at the expense of less. LESS of the most meaningful relationship you ever knew.

Sarah Jessica you did a wonderful job of expanding what I (and some other replies above) was saying in my reply...very well said!

I've seen marriages break up over fishing, golf, etc. So I'm sure some have broken up because of crossdressing. I'm with the others (especially Sarah Jessica's compelling word picture) -- I don't think you should necessarily embrace the end of everything a marriage represents because of crossdresser malaise. But only you know your situation -- it might really be that bad. I failed a marriage more than a decade ago (not over crossdressing) and I still have residual sadness over the end of the relationship. More than marriage, divorce is not an institution to be entered into lightly.

Excellent post, Sara! - a very hard-hitting, objective, and authentic reality-check, and a singularly effective "cold shower" to boot.

Your reply was a perfect antidote to the pink fog that seems to be enveloping Sarah at the moment...or as Dr. Phil would have put it to her: "What the Hell were you thinking???

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Originally Posted by NikiMichelle

Sarah Jessica you did a wonderful job ...

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Yes, Sara Jessica did a beautiful job of expressing what I think some of us are saying.

Sarah C., you're obviously struggling with weighing the pros and cons of the options that you must choose from. Prayer is not something that comes easy to me, but something like praying is what I'm doing for you ... I hope you find a way to live a life that feels good and right for you, and that brings you more happiness than unhappiness.

Perfect, Sara I was trying to find a way to post "the grass isn't greener" tactfully, but you nailed it. We all get into this heavier at times than others, and that would be the wrong time to make those life changing decisions.

We've been married for over forty years. My wife is not supportive. It's DADT. I do not have the desire to mingle with the masses as a woman. Sure, I would love it if my wife was supportive and had some level of participation. But, it's not going to happen. My wife use to visit our child who lived in the mid west. I had the house to myself. I was able to dress 24/7 for 7-10 days every year. I hanged my dresses in our closet. I put my bras and panties in my dresser draws. Shoes were lined up at the foot of the bed. I quickly found this over indulgence became boring. I am not able to dress during the summer because my wife is a teacher. I am a retiree. I accept these limitations.
There are sacrifices each of us has made during our marriage.

I don't have any recommendations. You've been through counseling. I understand what you're stating....lack of full acceptance. I wonder what your wife is thinking.

Sarah, I'm afraid I can't offer personal experience, but I can offer observations from what you say...

Your wife seemed prepared to consider it from the beginning - and maybe she has considered it really hard, but she didn't commit to anything more than this from the outset and if she truly, honestly doesn't feel comfortable about going further, that's her choice to not compromise on.

From your side, if you feel that this is looking like a potential deal-breaker ("I don't know if I will ever be truly happy staying together.") then I think you have some serious questions to ask yourself why this means so much to you. I have read from folk here on the forum who have compromised this side of themselves when faced with an ultimatum from their SO - for some of us it's possible to do that... If you feel that this isn't something you can put aside voluntarily, or at least keep at the status quo, then I'd suggest you perhaps need to start exploring why this means so much to you, because there are other examples where folk have separated at least partly because of a need to pursue this aspect of themselves... It's not anyone's fault that you've got to this stage, but - taking your comments at face value - if the missing 20% of your relationship is all on the CD side, then I'd say that's a considerable part of your being and maybe needs some professional assistance for you alone (you don't say if your prior counselling included knowledge of or any specific discussion of your CD side). :)

No marriage is without compromise - the question is only how much is either of you prepared to make...

Good luck Sarah - take your time with this and be prepared to dig into some deep personal feelings to find a solution... :hugs:

Katey x

Nicely described, Sara. That is a real concern. Is the grass truly not greener on the other side? No one knows, because you can only choose one side to live.

Everyone will have some most regretted things when in the dying bed. I often read about those and am always wondering if it really teaches me something. Is that he didn't take a chance that would be taken? Or is that he didn't take a risk that only looks good in imagination. Really nobody knows (otherwise life would be boring).

Some one broke a bond and found compatible companions. Some one broke a bond and end miserably lonely. We don't know which way it could swing. But is it a risk that worth taking? I guess no one could answer that for you.

I also cannot speak from experience being in the minority of having a totally accepting and supporting wife, however I do want to counter some of the arguments postulated here...

Sara eloquently drew a word picture of descending negativity, which, I'm sure can occur. But, replace that empty space with someone who not only loves you but loves your dressing and it's a whole new paradigm. Fill that 20% with happiness and live to the fullest.

I've said it before and I'll say it again... This is it, this is all we get. It's not a dress rehearsal, it's not a practice round. One life, so live it to the full!!! Compromise is fine, within reason, but to, live your life in perpetual unhappiness is no life.

I see people tormented by the conflicts created by so many things that can be changed, controlled or discarded.... Religion, spousal attitudes, their own fears... For many, they are prepared to sacrifice snd that's their choice. But, are they going to lie on thier death bed regretting poor choices, rueing the missed opportunities...

Ok so perhaps this may be a little selfish of an attitude, but to martyr yourself, to deny such an intrinsic part of your existence to appease others just seems foolish.

Carpe Diem!!

I haven't left my SO, but I was prepared to. She has been a very long time coming to terms with me, and now admits there was a time when she would have preferred to see me dead than in a dress. But she never gave me the "Quit dressing or get out" ultimatum. I prepared myself for that scenario by thinking that while I loved her and would do anything for her, delivering ultimatum showed a lack of respect for me that was intolerable. We've been married 33 years, she's known about my CDing for more than 20, and has grudgingly accepted me for about one year. Except for this one issue, we'd both tell you our marriage is nearly ideal.

@Donna

I have a CD friend. He got divorced from his wife, at least partly because they were so far apart on the need to CD vs the lack of tolerance.

After moving out and getting his own apartment, a GG who had been formerly happily married to a CD who passed away moved in and shared his apartment.

They are now married.

Maybe unusual, but true.