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Don't think anyone here has mentioned it, but here goes...
I need to talk to son about CD. The problem is he's heavy into redneck/hill billy mindsets lately and an old photo of Dad CD for a party, was
"wow, I really didn't need to see that" and "can't erase that".
Any one with experience talking to those subcultures? I don't know what can be said and what is a red flag.
You don't say why you need to talk to your son about CD.
Is it a life or death situation?
If not, what's the worst thing that can happen if you broach the subject with him?
You need to carefully consider his level of volatility. How likely is he to physically attack you?
And your own health and safety.
Another thing - have you any idea exactly what his objections to your CD life are?
If so, find out what the counter-arguments to these are before you attempy to talk with him.
If in doubt, say and do nothing. Best advice a lawyer ever gave me!
Just some thought for you to ponder, SD.
I think one point to consider is this, was dad a true CD or was it just a bit of fun for a party. Also it strikes me as though you havea general problem with your son calling him a "sub culture"!
There are several ways out of this, find out if it was just party fun if so then the photo is easily explained, but in any case talk you must and try and find out what his level of gender acceptance is.
My son was all "holy crap" and "I am not staying with you at your house" and "I dont want to see you dressed", well this last one was forced upon him because I did dress and by the time he left to fly back home he was beginning to understand what it was all about.
I think as I said you need to find out at what level he is at with the LGBTQ movement as a whole, and go from there.
Sirdonna,
I'll repeat again what a good friend said to me when I deliberated about coming out to my son , he said , " What makes you think your son isn't hiding something from you !"
Your son maybe into the redneck/hillbilly mindset but sometimes it can be a coverup . I worked my butt off as a man to bury my femme feelings , it never works long term .
If we are to move forward with our TG needs we can't do that until all the roadblocks have been cleared , my wife feared so much how my son would take it , she even considered he might cut us off from the grandsons . My cousellor eventually persuaded me to come out to him as my head was going round in circles with assumptions . When I finally bit the bullet he was fine about the situation , as far as he was concerned I was still his dad , my wife was so relieved and it did help to improve her acceptance level .
I can't help feeling Gale's warning of him physically attacking you is OTT , it takes a lot for a father and son to come to blows , I know because I've been on the receiving end of violence from my father .
Also think about the broader picture , being TG today is no big deal , coming out to your son may do far more good for all parties and also bring acceptance to our community . If he really isn't happy being told do consider it may not be your problem it may have touched on a nerve in him and maybe it could open the door for him to talk about it .
Socially we all have stereotypes that we buy into a lot of time subconsciously, take for example "redneck/hill billy". It' a term of reference that you have applied to your son probably because of his way of speaking, dressing, thinking, mannerisms and views of certain topics like crossdressing. He may not subscribe or see himself as the label "redneck/hill billy" as you apply it to him. Conversely he has applied his own preconceptions regarding his manly Dad as someone who does NOT wear a dress, makeup or high heels.
Who is right and who is wrong ? I submit that neither is right or wrong. It's more like being in high school where kids try on different social groups to find the one or ones that fit their mental make up. Some people become jocks,nerds,goths, etc based on who they feel more comfortable with.
What you need to do is prepare the "battlefield" by discussing from time to time similar topics to CD where you can express an affirmative opinion or common ground without alienating him such as how funny Ru Paul's Drag Race is . Or Transgender service people. Then when the time is right he will understand you a bit better, so that when you talk aboy the 'elephant in the room" he will be more receptive.
The questions that comes up for me, is why do you feel you need to talk to him? Where do you see it going? Does he know about your cross dressing, other than one picture? Does he really need to know more? Are you "out"?
The best thing might be to do nothing.
About 10 years ago while I was going thru a divorce, I told my daughters about my cross-dressing (under threat of exposure from wife). I did NOT tell my son, following advice from therapist, due to his age. In all the time since I still haven't told him, but I assume he has been told by his mother or one of his sisters, or got enough clues elsewhere. Two daughters seem to be okay with it, but don't seem to want to know anymore. Another daughter seems resentful and angry.
I hope it works out well for you.
I have a problem with your use of the term "redneck/hill billy mindsets". You are using a stereotype that's similar to the stereotype that crossdressers are gay or perverts. I'm sure there are redneck/hill billy crossdressers, possibly even in this group.
My though is, don't tell anyone about your "hobby" unless they need to know. Why are you considering telling your son that you are a crossdresser? What is to be gained by telling him this?
I agree with pumped. Unless there is a reason to say something, why do it?
Meaning he has expressed ignorant and hateful views of things he does not understand.Quote:
Originally Posted by SirDonna
Assuming he is not yet an adult...
I'd start there. Leave yourself out of it for now. You are his father. Your first responsibility is to ensure that he understands that, while it may seem fashionable to act that way, it is not acceptable.
If, on the other hand, he is grown and out of the house, he is what his upbringing and his world have made him. You can let him know that you don't agree with his bigotry, but I would not invite his scorn by sharing that which would invite scorn and hatred.
Thanks for the ideas, especially Teresa.
The other sibs know and just he doesn't and don't want him to be hurt when he finds out. We will be making out our will this month thinking of liquidation, i.e. estate sale, I'm sure one of the other sibs will mention what is in the closet. Gay son is fine with it and he agrees his reaction is unknown and most likely strongly negative.
Physical harm is not likely as hundreds of miles away. He is over 40 so I don't think any longer he will grow out of it. He works with good old Kentucky boys (the state and culture) and I keep on seeing flashbacks of series named Justified when I hear him speak. Thus, redneck is a good profile.
I'm leaning strongly towards text msg with offer to discuss. I don't think he would easily handle subject during a phone call. The method of texting first, and then talking worked well with other son.
But didn't know how many others had dealt with fear of broaching subject with family member expected/known to have quick black/white hostile reactions to disturbances in their world view, thus this post.
Donna;
If one son knows, there is a strong possibility everyone knows. In most families, kids talk
I have to agree with Kelly. If one son knows, as well as other siblings, then he probably know also. He may not know how to approach the issue since you have chosen to keep him out of the loop. How does this son take his brother is gay?
Whether or not anyone should or should not "come out" or reveal, one should always confront intolerance. I took your phrasing to infer intolerance towards alternate lifestyles. My wife and I are in a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" marriage. Almost fifty years now. Son and daughter are 45 and 40. I believe they do not know of my cross dressing. I've often contemplated what I would tell them or ask them if they were to find out when I am alive and still kicking. Does this information change anything that has happened over these many decades? Did it change my love and affection? My support for them over the years?
If your son finds out and you do explain as best as you can, then let the chips fall where they may. It become his choice. Personally, I would not go out of my way to tell him. If he were to confront you and ask why you did not tell him, then tell him the truth. From what little information you have provided I am assuming you'd tell him he seems to be intolerant of people who are cross dressers. Although not knowing your son I have found going through life such people are intolerant of more than one group. Sad.
Just my :2c:Quote:
We will be making out our will this month thinking of liquidation, i.e. estate sale,....
I was wondering if you making out your will has anything to do with the way your Kentucky son responds to your news (if you choose to tell him). It's your life, but I don't think your will should have anything to do with whether or not your son agrees or doesn't agree with your lifestyle.
What your children do with your belongings or estate after you or your wife passes should have no bearing how you choose to treat your children. He may (or may not) be surprised when the time comes but why would you care at that point.
I will agree with others though, there is really no need to bring CDing up to your son. If the the other siblings know, Kentucky son probably also knows.
SirDonna,
Now I have a fuller picture I feel the best approach is finding a way of telling him , if the others haven't told him then maybe you have a responsiblity to tell before he gets it secondhand , he maybe upset as much by being left out of the picture if you don't .
Donna, I'm not clear on WHY u need to tell him if he lives 100's of miles away!?:brolleyes:
Seems like a tall order, but on the other hand, you?re not talking to a subculture, you are talking to your son.
I disagree. What you may think is "intolerance" may not be what someone else feels is intolerance. You will just get into an argument and you won't change the other person's mind, you will just alienate him/her.Quote:
one should always confront intolerance
If you want to change people's minds, the best you can do is set an example and hope that they notice.
It's mostly for wife's peace of mind. Just told younger son last weekend after months of agony over it and she is much easier adjusting to CD if "don't have to hide it"
It's also rather hope for some openness and showing by example able to raise difficult conversations. He has much anger and think it would be worst if finds out from others.
I'll probably wait a week or so before telling him, just to give the younger son time to digess, in case he has belated concerns.
It is a good thing to have a range of differing opinions to mull over in a situation like this.
Isn't it interesting that some words and expressions have the power to evoke strong and powerful images which may or may not be valid?
Donna, I hope that your discussion with your son, when it does eventually happen, will go well, and that you and your wife will achieve the peace of mind you are seeking as you work on your will.
I actually came from that sub culture , born and raised in it was married to it and ran away from it .
I understand where you are coming from , its one of the reasons I dont go back to Tx even to visit , yes it can get weirdly violent under certain circumstances .
Some of these folks on the forum don't live anywhere near people or a culture like that and have no clue what can go on but I get it .
Now certainly I have never had to speak to any of thses folks about cd-ing but have had to talk o them about my husband an later my companion and sometimes it would go ok and sometimes not . A few of my sons still live in that redneck culture .
Two will not speak to me because of the men I prefer , 2 will but consider me very colorful and my girls love me immensely no matter what - one was raised in the tg world though from age 2 .
It really depends on the personality and the reasons you are telling them . I know you stated the reasons but unless you absolutely have to , just take it easy and keep a open mind . I went in with zero expectations and I am glad I did .
Donna, when you told your youngest son that you were a CDer, how did he take it? Now, if your two sons are close as brothers, and your youngest son was not unfavorable to your CDing, let him also be a part of your reveal to support you. It could help.
Interesting concept thanks. I'll have to have a viper session with him to see how comfortable he is with that. And yes they are close
Haven't talked to my son in almost 6 years due mostly to my CDing so not best placed to reply to this,just to say be really sure about what your decision will be,good luck whatever you decide
Sophie