Rejection experiences

My therapist keeps warning me about the rejection I’m likely to face whenever I go ahead with transition. I’m very curious to learn about the experiences of those who have already transitioned or are in the process of doing so. Did you face rejection at any point? What level? From being misgendered, to snide comments or looks from strangers, from family/friends, to potentially verbal abuse by strangers, any incidents of something worse?

On the family side, any success stories of transitioning with the support of your wife? I believe I may have to get my head around the likelihood that many friends will likely reject Carolina. I may have to develop thick skin to endure that. But I just hope my grown up kids will be able to cope with my potential transitioning. How do you deal with the potential rejection of your kids? Of your wife?

I’m curious and afraid at the same time... :sad:

My experiences are varied! Yes, I have been misgendered a lot! No snide comments! Looks have been interesting! When I was going to get my first wig(I was wearing a borrowed wig!), One looked at me as to say what was that? and another with a OMG type look! Once when donating to a cause, (do not remember what!) the older man smiled and the younger man looked horrified! I bet they had a discussion after! At the mall, I had one man do a nonchalant double take but without any outward signs of negativity! Also at the mall, had two teenage girls giggling and glancing back my way but not sure if it was directed at me or not! No verbal abuse nor anything worse! Told my son and daughter and they just want dad to be happy! Sister in law is fine with it also! I have had women smile at me without saying anything! I have been "maamed" once and "sired" many times! Wife passed away but was not sure what all this was before her passing! Held all this back through 34+ years of marriage and then the dam broke! I had one former coworker call me, "One of those transgenders!" Also one of my coworkers saw my nail polish(yes, I wear it to work!), and asked if I was going to wear a dress next. I stated "No!" but under my breath I said "I already have!" I have had many compliments on nail polish and earrings(all positive!) I was not sure what my macho son was going to say,(there was possible rejection there!) but I swallowed hard and told him! He said, "What ever makes you happy dad!" That is my little bit of an answer to your question! Hope it helps in some way! Hugs Lana Mae

Everyone’s rejection experience will be different, I’m 6’ 1” so in heels I’m 6’4” at 250 lbs and I get almost no public harassing, I do avoid places where there is alcohol being served, I have a very feminine voice and mannerisms. When I transitioned on the job I was really surprised who was accepting and who wasn’t I just could not predict the outcome. Wife divorced me she thought I was gay, I’m not, just effeminate. My kids told me that this was no surprise to them and my grandkids think I’m cool. Over time you can have sock some replies and actions handy when misgendered, even cis women get misgendered.

Carolina, your therapist is right to warn you to be prepared for rejection. That is not a guarantee that it will come, but you should at least be prepared to have to deal with it.

The rejection I have faced has ranged from verbal abuse in the street to misgendering and snide comments from a member of my family who had promised me support.

I consider that I have lived a charmed life since my transition with much support from the most unexpected sources yet I have to live with someone who tries to undermine me at every stage.

I cannot answer your question about rejection or acceptance by a wife as my dysphoria did not allow me to become a husband.

On the family side, my best experience was my father who was 88 when I came out to him. His first words to me were "whatever happens you will always be my child" and who later told anyone who asked how proud he was of me. I still miss him.

I also had some amusing incidents such as the time that I had to accompany my father to the hospital where he was having an examination under anasthetic. He introduced me to the hospitals staff with the words "This is my daughter who has come to accompany me, would you let him know when she can collect me?". I had to struggle not to laugh as he would have been mortified by his mistake.

Carolina, I certainly agree with Rianna that it is wise of your therapist to warn you of the possible negative consequences of transition. I have experienced the most extreme rejection and also extreme acceptance. The extreme acceptance has come from my wife and three daughters, it gave me the emotional support to transition. The extreme rejection came from sons and the religious community we were once a part of.

Two years ago I came out to our religious community that I was in the process of accepting myself as transgender after a life long struggle. I naively thought that they would understand, especially because some we had been friends with for 10, 20, even 30 years and more, even be happy for me. The result was totally the opposite! Some would not allow me to enter their house, others told me that I was an abomination to God, they all refused to use my new name. Also some were clients in my financial management business; they immediately requested to terminate our agreement, would not even sign checks to me in my new legal female name. It was devastating and I was angry. The most difficult episode was when I heard from one of my daughter that our two sons were considering banning me from their children.(They were in and had married in the same religious community) I did come to the edge of being suicidal, blaming myself for all the rejection and mess I had made. It was here that my therapist really helped me, she showed me how quick I was to internalize the rejection I was receiving and I did not have to!

What kept me on the path was the radical acceptance of my wife and daughters and the experience of liberation to be my true self that was drawing me deeper into transition. I internally and emotionally was for the first time experiencing self acceptance even while the external rejection was raging. And as we all know, the key to true happiness is self acceptance, not external acceptance as nice as it is!

I am happy to report that since then my sons have come around, at least to the level of tolerance. One daughter in law has not, and I am still banned from seeing her children, my grandchildren. Painful, but I do have eight other grandchildren that I am allowed to see. My wife and I have found a new, accepting, religious community in our small village; a real gift to us. We are making new friends.

We have no regrets over the loss and rejection by long times friends. I had to transition, this is the last chapter of my life, it was either now or never. And after all, love and acceptance is greater!

Hi Carolina,

What you might experience is a combination of factors, from your unconscious expectations that are projected at others (completely unknowing but have effect), to people who simply cannot comprehend, to the very rare experience of a hater.

I had one person who spat at me as he jogged past, in front of my children no less. He was gone before I could react. I've had two close, intelligent friends, who I expected to be no problem at all, to basically shun me now. Apart from those things, nothing untoward has really happened - some sniggering neighbours, misgendering at shops, but nothing hostile or rejecting.

The thing to remember is this: most people are well-trained sheep. They say nothing to your face, even if they feel hostile underneath. Confidence, not even thinking about what others might think, literally no second thoughts, just getting on with life - it normalises, it makes everything easy and non-problem. I'm not saying it is easy to get to that way of being, but the more comfortable you are in your own skin, the more accepting you are of yourself, the more others just also accept it too. Just don't strut those late-night back alleys alone.

[PS: a few days ago I got "oh, nice legs", from someone who was passing by me - can't complain!]

best of luck

xxx Pam

You can do this..

but you are going to have to learn to trust yourself and be ok with yourself

No one can predict what will happen and as you've seen the stories are all over the map..

I have never been closer to my EX wife..heh..we are best friends now...she hated me for a while..

my father accepted me with open arms after the entire family prepared me and themselves for the worst..

two of my best friends pushed me away
some of my other friends became closer...

your appearance will matter...whether you pass at a glance or at closer inspection will impact how you are accepted...this is unfair but true..
your attitude will also matter tho, and if you can be ok with yourself and thrive in how you live your life, people will be attracted to that, people will be comforted by that and they'll be more willing to be on your side.,.

but don't be mistaken, usually lots and lots of people are "Against you" if only because they fear for you or they are not knowledgable...and you'll have to face that head on..

Carolina,

Your therapist is wise. There is a member here who encourages people to be brave and overcome their fear but that is seldom good advice. "Pay attention to the tension" is an expression I have used. There is always the possibility that your fears will become a reality. It is important to anticipate what the cost is before you have to pay it.

I do not know all of the dynamics that come into play in determining attitudes, acceptance and behaviors but I do know that the values of the culture you live in will come into play. I was born and lived all of my life in the most unaccepting, prejudiced, bigoted area on the country. Therapists roll their eyes when they find out where I come from. The area is infamous. It is a blue collar, redneck, industrial area that has the lowest level of education of any demographic area in the nation.

My transition resulted in immediate push back. I was well known by thousands of people. I had hundreds of acquaintances and dozens of friends. I was respected and, I thought, loved by my family. I lost it all, including my family. My wife left. I was threatened, stalked, bullied, hacked and shunned by all but two friends and my daughter. The rejection was just short of torches and pitchforks in the from yard. I had to sell my house and most of what I owned and move away. Since then one of my friends and my daughter have decided not to have anything to do with me.

I have started a new life here in the Houston area. I deal with no abuse whatsoever. I have been misgendered only a few times and live my life as a woman. It would have been wonderful to transition in place and be accepted by most if not all. I have several transwomen friends who have had that experience. But, that was not my experience. All that being said, it is important for me to add that my transition was worth it despite losing everything. It was worth it because, for me, there was not a choice. I had pretended to be male as long as I could. If transitioning is a choice, then I would definitely think long and hard about it. Make sure the price is worth it.

I know nothing about Madrid or your personal situation. A transition might be seamless for you but there are no guarantees. When I came out to my daughter she said, "Don't worry. I still love you. Family get togethers will be different but they will still be good." I have not heard the sound of her voice in a year and 27 days.

This was my experience. I hope yours is better. Good luck.

For me rejection has been central to the experience of being transsexual. I struggled with severe abandonment issues because of it. I would approach any relationship that could harm me as an adversarial relationship and I was surrounded on all sides by those who could do me harm. Its called paranoia.

I would reject first so as to avoid being rejected. I also used my appearance to entice and control others. I would only enter into relationships where I had the unquestioned upper hand in the relationship. I always had more of something than those I associated with.

I feared I was transitioning to avoid rejection while also fearing rejection as a consequence of transitioning.

You may find that the fear of rejection has always been with you but you have devised ways to avoid it and by transitioning you are risking loss of control over those methods that served you in the past. This is the risk of transitioning. It destroys those things you have built to protect yourself with.

I'm very sensitive to what others are doing and feeling. I can feel the difference between being accepted as a woman and being experienced as a woman and I feel rejection in this when the acceptance is not coming out of the experience.

Rejection is a personal experience. What is soul destroying rejection for one person is not noticed by another.

I would urge you to go into your mind as deeply as possible to learn about what rejection means for you.

My sensitivity to how others treat me has not changed. I am just as easily wounded now as at anytime in the past and possibly more so yet I am far more resilient now than before transitioning.

Transitioning is only a choice to the degree you can live with the consequences of not transitioning.

It is the experience of being between a rock and a hard place.

I had severe panic attacks about the medical procedures and hospitals are very triggering for me because I spent so much time in them the first few years of life. I hate the smell and everything that goes with it.

The experience strips you of your privacy and dignity to the degree that you value privacy and dignity.

I lived with the insanity of not transitioning and transitioned to become sane. This was my goal and I have achieved it but it came with a very high price.

There is no way to avoid the slings and arrows of life but the most important relationship you will have in life is the one you have with yourself. This is the only thing that cannot be taken from you.

I read inspirational books about people who have survived much more than I . I found my strength through them. Especially concentration camp survivors.

I could share all the terrible stories I have experienced but it would sound so far fetched as to be simply unbelievable and may simply create fear in others.

Sometimes it is best to remain ignorant of those things.

I'm not sure I could transition if I had known than what I know now as to what was ahead of me.

I think I would have chosen suicide.

This is the paradox of the experience. You are so weakened by the consequences of what you are that you do not have what it takes to change the thing that is keeping you weak.

Carolina - I think you have received very good advice in the previous replies and I agree that your therapist was wise to warn you. Everyone has different experiences. Mine has been good for the most part. No family or close friends rejected me but that is not always the case. Regarding your wife - I was already divorced when I transitioned so the only experience I can share is that a few friends of mine have had marriages that survived. It is a lot to ask of a spouse so I think there needs to be a lot of understanding in both directions but I know several that have done it - and many don't.

I was terrified when I first started living full time - even when I came out the first few times for that matter. It was hard for me to just go out in public at first when presenting as female. I knew it was the right thing for me so I summoned the courage but it was hard. The first few times you get strange looks - when you get called sir - etc that for me was tough stuff early on - but it gets easier and easier.

Regarding your primary question of rejection - it is my opinion that those who love you always will.

Wow! Thank you for sharing your experiences. It really means a world to me. I don’t know how others may react. I don’t think I’d pass, maybe at a quick glance but not close up. Part of transitioning would include FFS which I’m really looking forward to. In any case this doesn’t seem to be about passing for me so I’d better be ready for rejection. My therapist claims I have never faced any serious rejection in my life so this may be all new to me.

Jeri Ann, I’m soo sorry about your daughter and your losing it all, including your wife, and the witch hunt. I’d really hate that happening, but I’ve also thought about what my worst case scenario could be (I doubt TS suffer similar witch hunts in Madrid, though). I thought that I would have to lose my great job, move and start a whole new life, probably in a very LGTB friendly neighborhood of Madrid. There’s where I made my first foray being who I really am. Depsite my worries nobody bat an eye since it is totally normal in that neighborhood. However my current neighborhood, job and social circle are quite different and conservative. I don’t think there are many rednecks around but some of my friends and coworkers are religious and quite unlikely to accept me.

The religious part is unlikely to be as strong as the one faced by Dorit (despite the fact that at the core of many religions there should be acceptance for all, but many don’t understand that part). In my view the abomination is to claim one is religious and not accept how people really are. I’m happy to hear you found a community that welcomes you.

Having someone spit at you sounds horrible too Pat. Thank you for sharing it since it is good to know about it and be prepared for something like that (I’d probably feel humiliated)

Kelly, your terrible experiences and desire not to have gotten ahead with your life shock me. You look young and beautiful. One would have thought you are a successful example of transition. I’m sorry to hear how bad it was for you. No need to go into details that may be painful for you, but I appreciate your post and warnings. I wonder if transitioning as we are older may be safer from a personal safety point of view. Discussing levels of possible rejection with my therapist we thought older adults may be more cautious about where they go and avoid riskier situations. Anything can happen almost anywhere, but probabilities of getting into a terrible situation tend to be lower the more cautious one is. I’m not as brave and as strong as many of you are, so I have to tread carefully.

I have many friends and I believe I’m loved by most, but none know about the real me. I suspect I may be able to keep some of them but I have to be ready to lose most, which won’t be easy. I would hate losing my kids, but your experiences seem to point that the possibility is a real one. That would be terrible for me, and deep down I cling to the thought that they are highly educated, have seen the world and live in a generation far more open than mine with friends or acquaintances of all types. But having your own father considering transitioning is a whole new situation. My wife knows about my need to present myself as female but doesn’t know that is who I really am. I fear she is reaching her limits and seems able to cope with a MIAD concept, but that is far from who I really am. I have two major stumbling blocks ahead of me, my wife and kids, and my job.

Thanks again for sharing. It is extremely valuable for me.

Carolina,

When you first come out/transition family and friends might be accepting and supportive. But, when the reality of the situation soaks in, how your transition will affect their life, things could change. If their world, job, friends, status, reputation, etc. is threatened, they may feel that they have to let you go. Sort of what you do with the family dog if it gets rabies. Again, there are many success stories and there are some tragic stories. Good luck.

Carolina,
No matter where you are on this road the only way is to keep doing it , if I recall the RW is a fairly new experience to you or was it just different after your recent makeover ? It's a whole lot easier if your wife is on board , my worse critic was my wife despite never seing me . Now I'm separated I'm out everyday in my new home town I haven't had single problem since I started in February . Nothing is off limits some friends have let me down but they are mutual ones and have chosen to appease my wife .

My daughter and her family are fully on board , my son isn't .

I have never been misgendered or had a single bad comment in fact my GP surgery asked if I wanted to reregister my name which I have as did the blood donation service . The solicitor I've had a consulation with to get my divorce proceedings started has discussed which names to use and advised me on the legal side of being TG in a divorce process .

I'm not sure how far I will go with transition but I'm paving the way the best way I can . I realised fairly quickly to stop looking over my shoulder expecting a reaction , if you don't look for one you won't get one . I do appreciate it's all down to your presentation , we're not trying to shout things from the rooftops anymore but trying to be sensible , dress appropriately for the situation and go about your business but do interact and above all be confident in a pleasant way .

The mechanics of transition are more scary I agree , they do need very carefully thinking through , if you reach a comfort zone do you really need to go any further ? When It comes down to it no one can make the decision but you , not the forum, your therapist or even your wife .