Scared to come out

So, I've been self medding estradiol for about a month and have an appointment end of next month with an endo. And I feel the best I have mentally since I took massive doses of Pueria Mirifica a couple of years ago
BUT. I have four estranged kids 10-17 who won't take this well. A horrid ex-wife who will make sure they don't . And parents in their 70 swho may last 2 years or 20. My mother is extremely judgemental but I still need her in my life.
So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place as to whether to transition.
I see my folks twice a year at best. Rarely see my brother or his family as they all live in a different state. The kids I see anywhere from fortnightly to bimonthly and for 4 hours a time. The live about a 2 hour drive away.
I'm baldish so I need a wig. Could I bind when I get my boobs in and live for the short times say for want as a better word crossdressed as a man.? I mean I've lived 46 years like this.
So many questions. So much advice needed.

I think about this too. I’m just going to play it as it comes to be honest. I’ve thought about just coming out to everyone and I think it would be best, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I would rather just wait for someone to be like “hey, why do you have boobs now?” and then I’ll just tell them...or not. Depending on how I feel. Really it’s nobody else’s business besides your own, so just wing it :p

Oh Katie, I feel for you more than I am sure you can realize from a distance. My ex is horrid. Yeah yeah everyone says that about their ex but seriously she is a mean bitter woman. I have kids also and she makes it difficult. They are older than yours but 2 of the 3 are severely autistic. I won't gone on for paragraphs because this is about you and not me but I GET IT.

First of all keep that endo appt. I think self med is not a good idea. As far as life goes I consider your situation tougher than most. Choosing between family and being authentic I think is more difficult than between being authentic and career. I don't say that lightly I enjoyed a great career and miss it.

You may jeopardize your relationship with your brother or mother but if they truly love you and are decent people they of course will be surprised and maybe shocked but they should come around.

Regarding your kids that is the toughest piece of all. Mostly because of your ex. However I think it is important to teach children courage / respect for others / being open and honest / and living their own truth - not just related to gender but who they are as people. Being authentic - not presenting themselves to the rest of the world in such a way that is merely for the acceptance of others.

I think those are some of the most important lessons that we can teach children. You are starting on what probably will be a difficult path. I do not give my advice lightly and if you did not follow it would certainly be understandable. But I constantly preach to myself and others - courage is being afraid and doing it anyway. Don't live in fear.

That's just me. I am not all that brave. Coming out as trans was much more frightening than walking into the hospital for high risk surgery. Walking into crowded places that I was well known the first time as openly trans to me was much more terrifying than my major heart attack.

But not doing something because of fear will follow you forever.

I guess you could put this off for awhile, but I wouldn't.

My advice may not be for you and there is nothing wrong with that. I am certain that others here will disagree with me and that's OK. Get advice from all of the sources you trust and then most importantly search your soul, your mind and your courage and do what is best for you.

My very best wishes,
Kim

Knowing what I know now, I would get a therapist and an Endo. I would let it unfold from there. You'll figure out the who's what's, whens and where's after you've had a chance to share your feelings with a sympathetic ear. When we're cloistered and don't share our problems with others, our logic becomes circular and muddled. You need help with guidance and exploration. A Gender Therapist can help you make the decisions you need to make. Good luck, sweetie.

Thanks Kim. I'm so glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. Living in a different city to all of them helps but still so overwhelming.

Hi Katie,
Transition can be a long process and that can work to your advantage. I have a homophobic, sexist father and I don't want to come out to him. I see him once a week. Over the past 3 years I have been growing my hair. In the past 12 months, I have been doing facial electrolysis and started on hormones right under his eyes. My chest grew. My clothes are gender neutral often. He said nothing. I guess if and when I come out to him, it will be less of a shock. Meanwhile...it doesn't stop me from transitioning. In my case, being non-binary, I don't plane to live as a woman anytime soon nor present at work. In my free time - my dressing is more feminine.
The point is - I think you can start transition and let everyone around you to get used to new you. I think it is easier than transform one day like a butterfly. Good luck though!

Katie,

Find that therapist and possibly a local support group where you have someone nearby to talk to. While we can go through this on our own, we probably shouldn't. I spent a long time sorting this and all the other issues in my life out so when it came time to begin hormones I knew I wasn't addressing a financial or family issue with a gender remedy. That would have been a mistake in my eyes. This is a long process and having your mind settled, attitude grounded and support nearby will make the physical aspect of things much easier to manage.

In addition to my advice I agree with Sarah's also, especially the part about finding a good therapist (doesn't have to be the first one ) and a support group as well.

My first year I was in a support group at the transgender clinic at the university where I had my therapy and my orchie. It was a bit tough but important - it was a good first step.

I did find many in the group to be frozen / afraid to move forward / and they just kept complaining about the same things and did nothing to change their lives.

Eventually I moved on and found other more valuable support including a different trans-community group that spends 90 minutes discussing topics relating to being trans and then we usually go out to eat which makes for a nice blend of support and social.

Doing this is hard. Doing it alone must be extremely hard. I don't know if I could have done it on my own. And I'm pretty tough.

I have a great therapist and have been part of 3 different groups and I had many transwomen that took me under their wing. I am grateful to them and I hope that any worthwhile contributions I add here pay it forward in some small way.

Follow Sarah's advice. Don't do this alone.