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For those of you once in a loving but DADT home environment but who's wife or partner began to come around, possibly to total acceptance, what did you do or what came about to effect such a reversal? Your experience story may well help those now in a DADT relationship.
I won't say my wife has become totally accepting but therapy has been invaluable to us.
Simple, one word, communication. Although it might not be enough in some situations. My wife was concerned I was gay, I was going to leave her, I would start dressing out side the house, things like that. Once we got past that it has been good.
so, its communication what i probably left out of this post was i dont want to go around doing things thinking its ok because we are in a DADT.Quote:
*****im a DADT graduate*****
well i did it, i asked, boy it was touchy though,
i feel like a school girl right now though, weird er than before.....
so we were watching shows on Friday eve, i looked at her wine glass and said do you have enough....she says yes and i start....i wanted to talk....she goes now what....so i say never mind, silence from me now im apprehensive, never mind....she prods me later on so i tell her....i found a support group....she says whats it cost....me nothing its free, where is it....tell her the town....she asks when....i tell her every three weeks i think, so she states once a month i say yes something like that....she states if you have to do it them go, still apprehensive her tone said no all the way.
we continued watching shows and the conversation on my end was short answered, she was fairly normal. after some time she asks whats wrong so i tell her she was not sounding supportive....she tells me again that if i have to do it to help me get over it then go....so i tell her its not something im going to get over and she goes i know but if its something you need to do then do it....so it tell her i might have to go dressed.... if you have to then go. i then tell her i didnt want to feel like i freak and want to shave my legs, would she have a problem with that, im not sure, maybe after, you cant have it in the summer when the boy will see, told her i understand that too of course.
now im in shock....and i apologize for being me....then i ask her what she was thinking i was going to say in the beginning, she says she doesnt know.... i tell her im afraid shes going to leave when i talk about these things, then she says thats what she is afraid of, i reassure her that thats not what will happen, she says i cant promise that.... i reassure her again and she reiterates that i cant promise that.... i came in and gave her a hug and told her that wont happen...
later in the night i gave her another squeezy hug and thanked her for the conversation....she has no idea how huge this was for me....
sooo after i wrote this i realized how much was said, its different now, it was like an accident, it seemed like slo-motion, but it was over in a second, so much happened in those minutes, in that brief span of time more happened than i first remembered until i gathered my thoughts here.....
its not DADT anymore......
she does not want to see it or "IDWTSI"......she does not want to participate. so i dont push that.
i have gone to support functions, started my own TG meet-up, defunct at this time, i volunteer at a LGBT club, gone to keystone and when she goes to her after work functions during nights we hang together she always asks if i have somewhere to go, im selling cheer curls for my wigery friend and when she found them i told her the truth, my friend is selling retiring she wants to sell her store, but if not i have put her fixtures for sale and showed my wife that our new phones pictures wont load up on craigslist. i probably make more mistakes after i came out then before but when i pinched i tell the truth, if i want something i tell the truth and communicate my needs and wants, when i lose my temper and she reacts ive told her i would try hormone treatments if it would help with that. if it didnt work change accordingly.
now when i posted this quote originally i had some give me blowback, im in a better place now than i ever thought i would be, just a few weeks ago i posted about being outside on main & main in ocean grove sitting in the sunshine and surfing the interwebs.
so this worked for me your mileage may vary....if it helps just one person ill be glad i shared this....
Only one question, Mykell. I'm NOT big on acronyms in any case. :doh:
But, wouldn't; "She does not want to participate", be: SDNWTP?:straightface:
Time and communication is what worked for my wife and I.
If you are looking for that magic argument that is going to make an unaccepting spouse suddenly see the light and embrace your crossdressing...
There isn't one.
It is different for every pair. But a big help is not pushing too fast and too far which gives the SO time to process this change (for better or worse).
Honesty and communication is massive, and really has to be that from day one.
From what I've read on this site and on others, where a lot of intolerance comes from is from wives who feel like its come out of nowhere - often (and not saying it is in this case) husbands who've been married X amount of years and then tell their wives about this big secret. So from their point of view, their husband/best friend has been lying to them for said X amount of years, didn't trust them enough to be open and honest about it, and then has the usual societal stigma questions on top of that - does this mean he's gay, does he want to wear womens clothes all the time, is he going to have a sex change, omg what's my mother going to say, how are we going to deal with the kids? And then, when it does happen, do they find their man wearing womens gear more often than not, trying to present as female, and asking to be referred to by a female name?
I feel a lot of time we're so focused on our own needs/freedom/clothing equality, we lose sight of how this effects our wives. I see a lot of people wonder why they have a problem with it, since crossdressing makes us more empathetic, we get to go shopping together and whatnot. But if the above is the case, then its not what they signed up for - women tend to have plenty of girlfriends, but only one husband. If someone enters into a marriage keeping this a secret, and find themselves in a DADT situation, then it's understandable and something of their own doing.
If the relationship began as a DADT one, then over time reassurances that your wife still has her husband can help, but Roberta is right - there's really not a magic formula that's going to make a woman be okay with it. I mean, when I knew my wife was "the one" I told her about it, and gave her reassurances. No, this didn't mean I was gay. No, this didn't mean I believed I was female, wanted to act or present as a woman, or wanted to get a sex change eventually - I just liked wearing the stuff, and found that when I did so I was usually not as stressed. In the years since, my own situation hasn't changed, but then neither has hers. She's seen me in lingerie, she's seen me in heels, she's seen me try on dresses. She has said from day one that she supports me, but that the sight of me crossdressing is a big turn-off for her. So with all that in mind, I respect her boundaries and don't wear around her - she does her absolute damndest, but I can't get comfortable knowing that SHE isn't comfortable, and as a middle aged man in a marriage of almost 15 years, the LAST thing I need is for her to be turned off!
Quote:
Originally Posted by docrobbysherry
it would, i did a stint merchandising for Disney, had to leave the WTP lug with courtesy counter, i was like WTF.....i only have this comic page for them to make copies, well turns out WTP is winnie the pooh, so im not fond of acronyms either.
but to the point, one thing i never promise my wife is where this will end, i came here as a crossdresser, i identify as NB or mykell so im behind to two year curve but if your honest and objective you never know where this journey will end, just get the trust back from your spouse and be as brutally honest as you can be so no matter where you land you have her faith and respect and love.
and im sure Doc can relate with his relationship with the daugter ;)
In my case, I don't expect that it will ever change.
I will always be limited to DADT unless I can afford a divorce lawyer and half my stuff.
hello Jenny,
my lovely wife accepts me cross-dressing in the privacy of our own home and has never really objected as my dressing has progressed over the years.
We don't talk about it very much though - she might occasionally compliment me on my choice of outfit or ask "is that new?".
I am the one who has had problems with my crossdressing - wanting to understand it. My wife says "it's only clothes"!
luv J
Jenny,
I'm not the best to answer because it didn't save my marriage . Some people don't realise their loss until it's too late but there's no going back .
If someone doesn't accept the situation it's usually set in stone , DADT may improve one day and the next it's taken two steps back , a marriage can't really exist long term if its based on precarious compromises . If you aren't allowed to be open and honest with a partner it's only a matter of time before it becomes untenable , both my wife and I are now happier , isn't that the most important aspect .
Gaz,
The problem with your comments are those with dysphoria don't always realise they have it and they don't see it as getting stronger , to feel a gut feeling gradually knawing away from inside . Maybe the wife /partner didn't sign up for it but neither did some of us . The biggest mistake we can make is making promises we can't possibly keep , when I first came out to my wife some twenty plus years ago , I assured I wasn't gay , I assured her I didn't want to be a woman . How could I possibly know when I had just opened the floodgates ? All those years going back into my early childhood had suddenly been tipped upside down , I needed badly to talk but hit a DADT wall in a very short time , I had no where to go no one to turn to , I wasn't happy in the closet I felt I was in solitary confinement , I admit it progressed to where I nearly ended my life because I felt totally rejected and unloved . So who do we point the finger at ? A guy who's done his best despite the circumstances or a wife who chooses not to talk about , who is the liar who should have been more honest .
It is good to say we have worked through it and separation has been the correct solution , I have lost very little and possibly gained more , I'm out to everyone in the RW , it's good to be able to be honest with everyone including my wife .