the nagging in my head to dress

in a now closed thread in the TS section, I wrote about the nagging in my head. It's an almost inexplicable pull to needing to present as a female. It's not a fetish over clothes, it's not a sexual lust, it's just there, almost like an angst over needing to do so and feeling a gender pull towards the feminine. in that thread I was asked and had written about discomfort around issues with being a guy- none. I'm fine with my boys parts, and never have depression about being a man. There were times growing up where I wished I was a girl, but I never identified as one, and never thought I was or am a female trapped in a male's body. But yet that angst is there. It comes and goes, sometimes very strong and I wish I could live in femme constantly or permanently. Other times like right now, I'm meh about it and have no desire to dress or do anything else CD related. I say I'm probably 50:50 m:f, but that's a swag.

My theory is that it's a mild form of gender dysphoria that waxes and wanes, and has done so my entire life. Which to me lends credence there can be a continuum of GD, and for some on this continuum, it's bad enough and so disruptive it leads to mental health concerns like anxiety and depression, which forces people to medically transition to correct a fundamental misalignment between their gender identity and sex.

I'm NOT saying this is the case for all TS peeps. I'm NOT projecting my experience on to anyone or everyone. I believe TS peeps when they say born into the wrong body, medical issue, must fix. I've been on this planet for almost half a century, been to many different countries, and interacted with an amazing diversity of people. My instincts are solid, but my preconceived notions have been blown away many times, so I try to be open minded and am frequently surprised. Since I've been on this board and read elsewhere, my fundamental conception of gender has changed.

I am curious if others experience what I call the nagging or angst, and if you believe it can be a continuum.

in the words of the prophet Ali G: Much Respect, yo.

Nikki - hopefully you know by now you're not alone... :) And I think you've put that very well for what some of us experience - perhaps a small number here, but as someone else rightly observed on another thread: if you're not feeling it, you're not likely to hang around here and talk about it much...

I understand what you're saying that TS folks are so far 'across' that their best solution is to transition. I've also seen and understand that they can sometimes have the greatest of difficulty comprehending how and why we feel a need to flip between male and female (in whatever proportion) but the nagging you describe is a good way of putting it. We're often accused of simply wanting to keep our 'male privileges' but I don't see that for many of us... it's a lot more complex than that.. :)

I certainly concur that it's a continuum with a broad range of motivations and subsequent behaviours - and perhaps like you, have had my understanding of gender stretched a long way... the binary idea is too simplistic to describe what we feel, but it's a simple enough truth that most muggles (normals) can feel comfortable with it as part of their world view - which is probably why we may make them feel uncomfortable about what we need to express.

I've dressed once in the last 9 months and I did that just to see whether it gave me the same feeling I was experiencing a year or more ago. It didn't.
It wasn't a bad feeling at all - OK, it did actually feel right while I was doing it, but in the absence of the 'nagging' it didn't satisfy me in the same way it would have done in the past. I'm sure the nagging will come back - but I would also observe that spending a little time away from the forum here does bring some perspective if you're not feeling the 'girl'... And perspective can help you see things in a new light... :thinking:

Good thoughts... :D

Katey x

Nikki,
I don't feel the nagging sensation in my head but a continual gut feeling that I have to satisfy a need.

I put it down to how my CDing started , how the male and female side are intertwined with my sexual needs, since my gender counselling I accept I have GD, but I can work with that now , I don't see it as a problem but something you learn to live with, I know I'm bi-gender because that gut feeling doesn't ebb and flow it's been in the background continuously since the age of 8-9.

At the present time I feel I don't need to transition, but I know I'm just on the male side of that line so GD isn't affecting me in that way at the moment.

Perhaps you are gender fluid when you say it waxes and wains. Yeah sometimes I am so feeling that I am a woman. and other times I am glad I am male. This is my gender fluid state mostly 50:50 but sometimes go 70:30 when the gender switch gets thrown. It seems to be in all of us. That angst that pulls at us is quite strong and is in our heads almost all the time. We are something different and that is gender fluid.

Gender isn't a two box system anymore than sexual preference is a two box system. Our society strongly enforces the notion that you are either/or. But, it's just not the case. Our gender identities are the same.

Decades ago, I did a purge. Got rid of everything, and swore to myself I'd never crossdress again. I'd just started dating a girl I liked very, very much. I never married her, but she's my close friend to this day. I only told her about my crossdressing about a year ago. We're still friends, but her acceptance level is low.

Anyway...following that purge, I didn't do any crossdressing at all for about two years. Then, I broke down and bought a pair of pantyhose. When I got home, my hands were shaking as I opened the package. My heart was racing, my breath short. I could not wait to get the pantyhose on. When I did finally get them on, the explosion in my head, my heart, my soul was intense. It wasn't about sexual. It was an incredibly moving experience for me to be able to finally express my femininity after so long without being able to do so. I knew then that being a crossdresser was something I could not change. It was forever with me, and I had to live life having this.

Does the urge wax and wane? I guess, but it's always there.