It's like a switch has been tripped

Due to life being life, I have been a single parent for the last year. (July 3rd, to be exact) and its been rough coming to grips with a lot of things in my life. Stressors over separation, isolation and trust have been really big, but I'm managing. I am constantly evaluating my motivations for things, and I being a good person to me or a jerk my ex or both? Am I setting a good example for my kids? Am I making changes just because I'm so upset with the way things are, just hoping I'm changing the right thing?

A few months ago I finally decided to take the plunge and go on hormones. (30 year journey) I was nervous, knowing that some of changes I was about to make, physically and socially, were about to change in ways that could not be easily reversed. I'm now two weeks in to low dose Estradiol. I don't really doubt this choice now, even though nothing more than a few minor changes have happened. My mood is different, I'm gaining fat in my cyclists-wedge of a butt, I notice pressure when I sleep on my chest now, my nipples are almost always hard.

Anyhow, I need clothes. My wardrobe has been 60%+ female for many years, though much of it is 'stealth' and most men are too blind to notice buttons on the wrong side. But what I'm looking at now as I shop, I'm not looking at trousers. I'm not looking at passable tops. I think for the first time in my life I'm shopping thinking female, and figuring out what a 50 year old woman wears without looking frumpy or trashy. It just seems like the natural thing to do now. It's like a switch has been tripped.

Its like part of me has just been waiting for permission to exist fully. I always shared space with her, she's just getting to sit in the pilot seat instead of the navigator's for the first time. It feels good.

The rambling will continue as this process progresses. Three weeks until I see the Endocrinologist again.

- MM

Hi, Anne! Best wishes with the hormones! They help a lot! My wardrobe is all female! The selection for you has expanded to whatever you find works for you! As to the pilot/navigator comparison, well put! I say Lana is coming to the front and Harry is fading back to where Lana was before! I wish you all the best with all of this! Hugs Lana Mae

Thanks for your post, I would say, buckle up because this is not a normal fly but an acrobatic one and you're the pilot and not longer a passenger in pleasure trip.....sometimes I feel like a kamikaze.....

Devi

MM/Ann,
I'm sorry your relationship has gone pear shaped but as you say such is life ! I know exactly how you feel about being a good person in everyone's eyes but your wife but that's how most react under the circumstances . We have to harden up and move on but I will add after two years she still knows which buttons to press for a reaction , which takes me a day or so to pick myself up again .

I must admit I found doing everyday just as hard as dressing to the nines . How much or little makeup , what style of wig would work in all circumstances and what women wear just to pop to the supermarket and do other chores . For all that I totally enjoy the life I have now it feels natural and I'm comfortable with it but it takes time .