Not sure what to make of a friend request.

I've been coming out to friends and family. I'm close to two years on hormones, it's nearly three months living full time as Sarah and I see no reason to change course. Of the 60 or so people I've come out to almost everyone has been supportive with two who haven't responded and one who seemed to support me but got political saying she wasn't going to debate the Trans Service Ban. She is my niece and worked her career as a civilian with the Air Force, but nothing in my note to her suggested I wanted anything more than to continue what had been a good relationship. I'm the most politically and socially liberal in the family and she and her siblings are among the most conservative, if that matters in this situation.

Today I discovered she found a Transgender friend on my guy Facebook page, friended her and has sent me a friend request on my Sarah page. That's a lot of background work for something she might have been able to just ask me about, rather than try to smoke me out. I'm letting the request just sit for now since I plan to finish coming out totally, but not for a few more months and preferably on my timetable, not hers. I'm slightly unsettled by her effort, what do you think?

What is your niece's track record on Facebook, Sarah? Do her posts on your guy page deal with the lovely and good things about life, or do they tend to focus on the negative?

You are in the fortunate position of being able to speak with her in the flesh, as I presume you can either see her in person or speak on the phone. I would have a chat to her about wanting to continue your normal relationship with her. Gauge her feelings as to her true feelings about the new you. Make it clear that you are not interested in her political views.

Ask her why she went to all that trouble to seek out your new Facebook page via your transgender friend - her response may be a pleasant surprise! Or it may not.

When you are ready to make an informed and considered decision about whether to accept her new Facebook request, go on your gut feeling at that point. If you do decide NOT to accept it, don't feel bad about it. Some facebook friends are not worth having.

Social media have inordinate powers to make our lives good or bad. Treat this issue with care, particularly as to its possible effect on your mental well-being. Think carefully before you act.

Best wishes.

Sarah, you have to keep in mind that she is family/your blood niece. Is she really trying to smoke you out, or is that her style in checking things out (Air Force background). You've now both reached out to each other. I'd suggest you accept her as a friend and see where that leads.

Hi Sarah,

I understand that we all have our different ways to come out and to transition. However, to me it doesn't make sense, on one hand to live openly, clearly knowing it's not going to change, and yet have double life on FB, be concerned of being smoked out. To me being out, means out.

Yes, I was out to few very closed friends during my first 2 years on hrt. But one day, I just came out on FB to all at once and that was the end of the closet. Yes, it was another 8 months before I came out at work, but my colleagues are not my FB friends and my personal life didn't cross with professional.

I lived openly outside of work first, and now openly 100%.

Unless you have another reason to hide, why not just be open to all?

Sarah,
This is one reason I don't use social media sites , they can be great for keeping in touch but also can be very invasive and destructive in the wrong hands . They allow people to intrude in other people's lives whether welcome or not and also they can spread truths and mistruths . They can force you into a situation your are facing through no fault of your own .

Sorry to keep repeating myself but there is a big difference between telling people about your situation and actually meeting them in person , as I've discovered again recently with the dog walkers in my area . They have all known about me for two years but I've been making excuses for not getting dressed to walk my dog until three days ago , I met a lovely lady who didn't realise it was me , on meeting me she said , " Oh it is you !" So I repiled , " Yes it is and I'm assuming from your reaction it's not what you expected ? " I know she was expecting , " A man in a dress " she didn't expect to see someone who looked so female ( again I'm avoiding the word "Passing ") .

As far as the niece is concerned she won't affect your journey , I appreciate on occasions these incidents chip away at your confidence but you've got to believe in yourself , you know the life you've chosen to live now is better than the one you are leaving behind , continue to do it and eventually people begin to respect you for taking that decision .

Younger people seem to use the internet with no issues to do basic searches on people. I'm tech comfortable and frequently do things that others my age get super shocked surprised and freaky about like I'm somehow a stalker because I entered their name into Google. What to some may seem like a "smoking out" may simply be an acceptable way of living in our information age.

I approved the friend request and she has "liked" my avatar photo and shared a comment that illustrated an appreciation for and limited to the topic of my post. Then she passed on the contact info to her sister who will be expecting to be approved shortly. I have to admit I lost control of the process quite a while ago, even though I've attempted to keep my hand on the wheel. I guess I need to get my own kids in there and accept the toothpaste ain't going back in the tube and my illusion of control is just that, an illusion.

I think you're exactly right Sarah. I had a similar, slightly scary point where I realized that events were now out of my control and had taken on a life of their own.

I think of it like launching a ship. You need the ship to be in the water so that it's free to travel, and you want it all to go as smoothly as possible. So you set up the launch platform carefully as you can, watching every detail and doing your best to make sure the ship will go where you want it to go when you release the straps. But at some point you gotta release it, and you’re not in control of what happens after that -- the ship has a life of its own now and it'll go where it goes.

It's a bit scary, but also spectacular and exciting :)

I think since you already came out to her, there isn’t much left to discuss. She apparently took the trouble to find your page, although I don’t think that’s terribly difficult on FB. (One of several reasons I am NOT on FB) If you want her as a friend, that’s fine. Maybe she will learn something in the process.

I hope things will continue to go well with your facebook account, Sarah.
Do not forget that, should things turn sour, you can always delete the account.
You still have ultimate control of your account.

Okay, this train is running on it's own momentum now and I've decided to just try to keep it on schedule and on the tracks. She sent the link to her sister and I realized my own kids should have the same kind of access, so they are on there. I won't go through all the steps, but there is a lot of crossover now.

I won't put up with any abuse and plan to use it more as an education platform for a while to try to keep them from wandering off and finding the trans-porn sites or other places that just don't match up with me, my life or that of my friends and associates. So now I have a new hobby, one of trans-education. And as it's been pointed out I can always block individuals or kill the account altogether if necessary. But with the addition of known allies I feel they may be willing to reach out to help correct behaviors that are out of line.

I'm staying on this path regardless. It's about damn time I pay attention to myself.

This should be interesting.

> I'm staying on this path regardless. It's about damn time I pay attention to myself.

Absolutely. I think it's a good thing if people signed up to your FB page to get more of a window into this part your life. The best education you can give them is just to be yourself and live your life. You're not a weirdo, and they are not going to see any of the crazy-ass cartoon stereotypes that are probably rattling around their heads. When fears turn out to be groundless it's hard to maintain belief in them.

So my opinion is -- if they want to watch from the sidelines and learn then that's a good thing, but if they start invading the pitch or hassling the players then it's time to throw them out.

Sorry but I still struggle with the idea of having 2 FB accounts and friends/relatives now being on both. Does not make sense to me. Yes. I know many people have 2 accounts, one for friends and family, and one as a public person where people can follow you. But you are you on both of them, and just share different content.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Katya@

Sorry but I still struggle with the idea of having 2 FB accounts and friends/relatives now being on both. Does not make sense to me. Yes. I know many people have 2 accounts, one for friends and family, and one as a public person where people can follow you. But you are you on both of them, and just share different content.

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Katya,

You are correct in that observation and in truth it is becoming problematic. On both pages there is only about 5-10% crossover, so it's not extensive yet, and up until several months ago there was almost no crossover between the two because it was designed that way. I'm within a month or two of trying to get everything to migrate to one or the other (or maybe just abandon both and create the new page and those that want to join will and those who don't can stay away.) The major issue is prior to less than a year ago there was a lot of unique content on each one and both pages have value that I'd hate to lose. I'll figure it out eventually but that will happen once I've made that final step in coming out to the rest of the world. And as you can see from my earlier posts, that will be happening sooner rather than later.

It's making me understand the complications of one business merging with another and redefining the public face of the new entity as well as deciding where there is duplication. At least I won't have to let any of the staff go. :battingeyelashes:

It is a difficult situation that you got yourself into :). Either way, I hope you could be who you are on both one day.