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My accepting wife commented to me the other day that she noticed that I had been dressing more than usual. This lead to a very good conversation between us. During the conversation she said, " she has never been a girly girl, and I dress more feminine than she ever did". This makes me wonder if this is where resistance to CD'ing has come from in the past? Thinking that, how many others of us are experiencing CD resistance because we dress more feminine than our spouses do?
Nah. I still think it's more because deep down, they still inherently want masculine husbands. Women still get part of their identity status from how well they can claim a 'catch' to marry, and we're just not high status mates, on the contrary, we're still something that most of them would be embarrassed to tell their friends about. Doctors, lawyers, investment bankers, sports stars, yes, those they're proud to show off their engagement ring about. Crossdressers and drag queens, well, no.
You don't hear the girls at the water cooler bragging to each other, that they just got engaged to a crossdresser and how cute he looks in his sundress.
Late in our 16 year marriage, I recall my ex insisting that she diminished the femininity of her own dressing in direct response to the more feminine I dressed. Frankly, for most of our marriage and even while we dated, and long before I began dressing around her, she was more a a t-shirt and sweats person around the house and in bed. Her work and going out attire was, by contrast, always professionally feminine, so I am not sure I entirely agree with her assessment. I do know that in the waning months of our marriage she dressed sexier when she went out with her best girlfriends than she did when we went to dinner. I began to see the pattern.
Hmm, that's a pattern towards the end of a marriage (claiming to be with the girls with her girlfriends even covering) suggesting perhaps a little more than just a night out with the girls and another beau already in tow.Quote:
Originally Posted by kimdl93
However, I'll leave it at that as it's your business at the end of the day.
Sue.
To some extent I have to agree with sometimes_miss. My wife still says she told other women around her that she was going to marry me and to stay away from me, although we had no yet met. She was eyeing me from afar. In relation to the dating pool around her I was definitely a huge step up; we were both in the army at the time.
Sexiness is more than clothes. My wife was dynamite in a gown at a wedding or short jeans and a tee shirt at the beach. In the early 1970's women wore dress or skirts/blouses to the office. Leisurely, she was always a fashion statement. Unless the heat was unbearable in our apartment it was always slinky lingerie.
After we had "The Talk" he ended up accusing me of buying her lingerie with the thought of how I would look in it; nope. She told me not to buy her any more lingerie, which lasted for several years. Since we have not discussed my interests since the mid 1980's I have no idea what she thinks. I know as she has matured, she has come to realize gays and lesbians and transgender men and women are just regular people in every other sense. I do not force anything upon her. I do no body modifications, etc. So, I do not have a clue what she thinks anymore.
I have a boyfriend so no such issues here, he's extremely accepting, supportive and encouraging of my dressing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sometimes_miss
Good post and with a few exceptions you've probably nailed it. I know of one couple where he's fully out and she's cool with it. Away from the dressing, he's a local football / soccer referee.
Another very notable exception I think I read or saw about many years ago was a crossdresser with a bi-wife. She was unphased as with a crossdressing husband, she got the best of both worlds.
Then there was a newspaper article about a couple where a woman initially struggled with his crossdressing (he was quite feminine when dressed by the seems of it). He knew all was good when one day she came home and had bought him a new wig while out shopping.
I'll add one other perception still held by a few in that if we crossdress and therefore not a proper man so to speak, then we must be gay. While that may be true of a few posters here, that perception in itself is not a given in a world where people continue just to make often incorrect assumptions.
There's no evidence that there is a significantly greater proportion of gay or bi men in the crossdressing community than in the male population as a whole. As least there's no evidence I'm aware of.
Never assume as it makes an "ass" out out of "u" and "me".
Sue
In my situation, I believe my wife's angst about my crossdressing is the simple fact she would feel a great sense of embarrassment if any of our family, friends, neighbors knew of it. That embarrassment is the result of a lifetime of cultural bias against crossdressing. I'm certain that some of our family, friends, and neighbors would be fine knowing I cross dress. The big problem is knowing who those people are. There is no way to predict with absolute certainty who is acceptable and who is not. Thus, my cross dressing has to remain pretty much in the closet. I don't believe my wife sees me as any less, or any more, masculine than the man she fell in love with 40 years ago.
When we were dating my ex- wore dresses, hosiery and heels, at work and at home or out with me. That all changed once we got married. And my dressing increased in direct proportion to her increase in dressing down.
I now think she just got lazy, and then had something/someone to blame when I started to crossdress.
Unfortunately for all of us, it got out of hand. End of marriage.
My ex-wife was always a little butch. She dressed up for church on Sundays and and special occasions. But preferred wearing pants rather than a dress.When I first started dressing full time I was always in a dress or skirt. She didn't seem to mind it.
I don't think it was my dressing so much as when I began transitioning to female that caused an end to our marriage. She didn't like anyone thinking she was a lesbian.
My wife loves to dress me very femininely, she loves the look and feel of girly clothes but is far happier for herself to be a bit tomboyish, she does on occasion like to dress up but prefers jeans and boots whereas I'm expected to be done up to the nines in heels, pantyhose, short dresses or skirts and sexy tops every single day she says she still gets the pleasure from seeing and touching beautiful clothing without the hassle of wearing it. Looking at alot of women walking around this seems to be quite a common trait. I doubt if many go home and indulge their ideas on their own partners though
My experience is similar to your Amy, with kind of a twist - not sure what it means if anything. My wife is thoroughly amused by my dressing; enjoys talking to me about it, sharing fashion ideas in a way she has not up to this point. Yet, she is not participating with any new wardrobe herself. My fashion sense has been molded by her and is basically hers - I have yet to purchase a single item that she would not wear herself - but seems take vicarious pleasure through my fashion adventures than participating herself, claiming "I'm over it - where would I wear these things now?" Upon getting a new pair of shoes in the mail (my 5th) she said - with amusement not derision - "How many do you need?" This from a woman with a closet full.
For what it's worth both of us are retired and she no longer needs a wardrobe for work, so maybe in a way she does enjoy the freedom. She has been doing it her entire life. On the other hand, it's al new to me, so I think she enjoys my enthusiasm, and I think she enjoys not having to fake interest as I finally talk about something other than guitars.
This is where my wife is with it. Initially she was real good with my crossdressing and we both were having fun with it. I feel as our wives think about it they may have a line in the sand with it. This would be in my case the resistance Gillian is talking about.Quote:
Originally Posted by Heather76
I suspect the chains of gender binary expectations have loosened a bit, but for the most part they are still firmly in place with respect to overall social standards. Like Crissy's wife, my wife doesn't want to see Gretchen in full plumage and certainly does not want her to go wandering around the neighborhood. Bits and pieces are OK, but no further than that. My wife dresses as clearly female but never dresses sexy (not at 76 years old).
That said I think it is entirely possible for a woman to dress less feminine if her husband dresses more feminine. There could be a message of 1) I'm not going to compete with you, 2) You are no longer attractive to me so I am not going to dress to attract you. And a pile of other messages that could indicate anything from support to disgust. Only way to know for sure is ask. But be prepared for a possible answer that you do not want to hear. Or one that will please you.
The thought of Gretchen wandering around the neighborhood in full plumage, now that would be something to seeQuote:
Originally Posted by GretchenM
Some days my wife is more OK with it than others. She is a t-shirt and jeans girl, part of why I love her. I dress way more fancy than she would normally. Her work has a flexibility that some days she is jeans and t-shirt and others slacks and blouse, both there is a possibility of scrubs for some period of the day. I am also trying to figure my own style out. It's no longer buy and hope it fits, I'll find out later, I am OK trying things on and making choices with how it looks in the dressing room. So things are changing, but, if she likes something that I wear, it pretty much becomes hers. It's kinda part of us figuring this out too.
Totally agree with that aspect, years ago I observed many relationships where both partners would loose weight & try to improve their appearance as their relationship went south. Not necessarily because they were cheating, but IMO because they had let themselves go while in a long term relationship and realized their is always competition out their. I guess it also could have been a attempt to show their partner what they are loosing?Quote:
Originally Posted by Mackem Sue
My wife neither wants to see "Leslie" in person nor any pictures of her, and all my female clothes are stored out of sight and out of mind at her insistence. Time was, I was permitted to buy her items of clothing as gifts for birthdays or Christmas and the like, and she would invariably get compliments from her co-workers when she wore them. But that was a long time ago, and eventually that morphed into not allowing me to buy any articles of clothing for her at all on the presumption (wrong!) that I was buying the same thing for myself in my size, and that would be just too creepy for her to contemplate.
I can't but help but think that - among other factors - my wife's insecurity about her own femininity played a large part in this, as she had instinctively realized that my fashion sense when it came to female clothing was at a distinctly different level from hers, and far more "girly".
I generally agree with this. In saying that years ago I was engaged to a woman who was totally supportive of my crossdressing and going out with me dressed. A very rare lady indeed.Quote:
Originally Posted by sometimes_miss
It could be a reason for resistance.
When I came out to my wife she noted the same thing. She had grown away from the hosiery and dresses she wore when younger and when we met and was now wearing "comfortable clothes" as she put it. Yet she saw that I preferred the more feminine styles. She asked if I was "making up" for her change in style. It took some time for her to understand that I wear what makes me happy and feel good. I don't dress to please others or appear a certain way.
I don't know about you, but I grew up and began this life when women wore dresses most of the time. They wore stockings and heels very often and that was the image and style that I adopted. I wanted to be feminine and that was the clothing of the time and the image.
I am fully aware that most women want to marry a man, not a 'girlyboy'. Many of us on this site are just guys that for some reason, or another like to dress in women's clothes, either partially , or the whole nine yards. We marry and figure that we would stop doing the dressing thing once we settled into marriage, but we didn't! Being caught in a 'closet' world causes grief, which either drives us deeper into the closet, or leads to confession time. For those of us who sat and had 'the talk', the result of the talk led to one of several responses. In my case there was a degree of acceptance, which has grown to my benefit over the years. The point of the whole thread was to ask, what has been her tripping points to your progress in dressing. I'm not talking about pushing ones luck, but simply asking ourselves how we can help the wife be accepting, placing her into a greater comfort zone.
My wife accepted skirts, hosiery, cami's and panties, but for a long time bras and nightgowns were taboo. This decreased over time to my benefit, But I never thought to think, or ask why these two items bothered her. I found out finally by talking about any 'elephant' that may have been in the room. The dressing is not 'sexual', but female, as in feminine in nature. My panties are prettier than hers, I have encouraged her to up grade to something more suited to her. I wear lacy camis, she never wears them. I love to wear skirts and hosiery, she doesn't. This all totals up to looking more feminine, I still act like a guy, but one who partially dresses in women's clothes mixed with men's clothes.
If I can help someone get into a better place with their spouse from my experience, then I helped someone, and that is partially what this site is supposed to be about.
On a side note, I have been seeing a psychiatrist, because I found out that I was born with Aspergers syndrome. We had an in-depth talk about my CD'ing in our last visit. She said that the clothes in my case is releasing serotonin into my body. In my case, it is a good thing for me, as I am also currently taking an antidepressant and anti anxiety medication. So, there is truth for some of us that wearing the clothes is helping us to unwind and relax after a stress filled day.
It would be interesting to know how many other CDs release serotonin after dressing. IMHO chances are very high you aren't the only one.Quote:
Originally Posted by Gillian Gigs