Here's my tip -- based on Gerald Weinberg's excellent "Becoming a Technical Leader," which has a lot about learning to manage yourself before you manage others.Originally Posted by KathrynW
It sounds like you've got a what family therapist Virginia Satir calls a "survival rule" -- typically acquired so early in life often that we don't remember learning them explicitly -- deep somewhere in your psyche that disapproves of crossdressing. The good news is that its possible to transform these "rules" into "guides."
The first step is to state the rule clearly and explicitly, for example:
I must always help everyone.
Next, acknowledge the rule's survival value and strike a bargin with your unconscious mind. You might be tempted to get rid of the rule once you've stated it, but that would be a big mistake. Typically with "survival rules" the reasons behind it have been lost in the past and all that's left is the strong emotions surrounding them -- like the fear that something terrible will happen if we don't help everyone all the time.
So even if you don't know the origins, you can say to yourself "This rule has been valuable in enabling me to survive, so I have no intention of getting rid of it. I'll keep it around for use when the proper occasion arises. I may add some new rules, but the old one will still be there if I need it." Doing this provides the safety net your unconscious mind needs to accept the rest of the transformation. Your unconscious probably won't speak to you in words, but your body will respond with feelings that tell you whether it's OK to proceed to the next step.
The next step is to give yourself a choice. For example:
I must always help everyone.
becomes
I can always help everyone (if I choose to).
Next change the certainty of the rule ("survival rules" are usually absolutist in nature) to possibility. (Plus many of us also have a "perfection" rule that compounds things and you may need to address that rule before proceeding further.) So that:
I can always help everyone (if I choose to).
becomes
I can sometimes help everyone (if I choose to).
This still raises the issue of perfection, so the next step is to change the rule from totality to non-totality, so that:
I can sometimes help everyone (if I choose to).
becomes
I can sometimes help some people (if I choose to).
Once you've made these sorts of big changes, it's relatively easy to decide when, where and how you want to apply the rule. You want to avoid replacing one rigid rule with another rigid rule, so it's a good idea to come up with at least three examples as you transform that general into the particular. So for example:
I can sometimes help some people (if I choose to) when....
they ask me clearly for help
I have the skills to help them
I have the resources to help them
it fits me to help them
I choose to help them
I will be able to tolerate failure to help them
Once the transformation of the rule is complete it's helpful to write it down. Then once you've had a chance to practice applying the new rule you can revisit the written version to see how things are going. This fulfills the promise you made to your unconscious and acknowledges that one isn't perfect. So you may also want to revise or clarify one of the particular conditions. For example, you might find that:
it fits me to help them
is better stated as
the two of us can arrive an an open, explicit and limited contract for help, and I feel good about that contract
Changing "survival rules" doesn't necessarily happen overnight, but it does work -- although it's not flawless. Yes, Satir was a family therapist, but Weinberg was ultra-rational computer programmer, so this method can work for a lot of different folks.
Anyone else got a concrete tips about techniques they used to help them reach acceptance?
