What would you do when face with the ultimatum.

[LA CINDY LOVE]

Soon or later we as crossdresses may be face with the ultimatum to stop dressing, it may come from or wifes, girl friends or from a family member.

When your wife or girl friend tells you to stop dressing or I will leave you can feel your heart drop and to have the family tell you that if you do not stop then do not come around any more.......that has to be very painful.

So many of us have try to stop dressing for our love ones to make them happy.......but for us we feel lost.

Why is it that they feel that it is so easy to stop......


LA CINDY LOVE

[beenherelongtime]

i don't know that they think it is easy to stop. they just don't understand it and unlike smoking they don't think it is addictive. they have a hard time understanding, because we ourselves do not completely understand. it sounds like you have someone close to you that has delivered the ultimation. good luck because you have heartache no matter what decision you make.

[TGMarla]

It makes no sense to promise something that one cannot deliver. I've been dressing in one way or another for 36 years or so. It's not likely that I would have the strength to stop complely, if at all. Furthermore, it's ingrained in my person. It's a big part of what makes me me. If I were forced to quit, especially cold turkey, I think it would have a very detrimental effect on my moods, my outlook, and the way I approach the world. In other words, it would wreak havoc on me emotionally.

So faced with the ultimatum, I'd volley that ball back into her court, and tell her very frankly that I would not like to lose her, but I would not be able to hold to a promise that made me stop dressing.

[Ediosa]

I have to say the same thing. My first thought would've been then bye. It is something of me and if you can't accept who I am then it will eventually go down the road that it is going to happen. But what she said, throw it back in her court and let her decide to leave, other than that, there is nothing you can do about it.

Maybe let her here the new 3 Doors Down song "Let me be myself", that's a great song for us girls and I think you all should youtube it and listen to the lyrics.

[MarcieM]

You can stop anything if you want to bad enough.
It depends on where your priorities lie.

[Tasha McIntyre]

When I came out to my wife she was obviously a bit shocked, but took it well and did her own research. She accepts, but does not want to hear about my shopping trips or see Tash at all.......the don't ask / don't tell scenario a lot of us are faced with.

I have never been given the ultimatum (thankfully), my wife knows I have more chance of waking up inn the morning with brown eyes than to be rid of my CD addiction!

Cheers

Tash

[DanaR]

It makes no sense to promise something that one cannot deliver. I've been dressing in one way or another for 36 years or so. It's not likely that I would have the strength to stop complely, if at all. Furthermore, it's ingrained in my person. It's a big part of what makes me me. If I were forced to quit, especially cold turkey, I think it would have a very detrimental effect on my moods, my outlook, and the way I approach the world. In other words, it would wreak havoc on me emotionally.

So faced with the ultimatum, I'd volley that ball back into her court, and tell her very frankly that I would not like to lose her, but I would not be able to hold to a promise that made me stop dressing.

I would have to agree with TGMarla. The problem with an ultimatum is that it’s all about trying to control someone. We all have feelings, which are neither, right or wrong, but they are our feelings. Everyone should be able to communicate his or her feelings to their SO’s and reach a compromise, if one is necessary.

[Ediosa]

Why would I stop something that is a part of me. Unlike you Marcie, it looks like you can, therefore, congrats. I personally like who I am. If someone doesn't want this total package then their lost. I currently have an ex-wife that has told me, that if I wanted her back that she will take me back no problems. She found out that most "real men" are basically a#$holes. Therefore, for me I am a great package and any woman that accepts my CDing will benefit what I have to offer.

[sissystephanie]

You can stop anything if you want to bad enough.
It depends on where your priorities lie.

Marcie, you are 100% correct. I started dressing at age 8 and am now 76! I told my late wife before we were married, and said that I would stop if she wanted me to. She did not want me to stop, as long as I remembered that I was her MAN! However, on my own I did stop for a 5 year period, after deciding that dressing was not very manly!. Only started dressing again because she begged me to!! She said she missed Stephanie and the fun times we had as two girls!

It does all depend on where your priorities are. If "you" come before your loved ones. then probably you will never stop. Because your "love" is not that strong. But if your love for your wife, or SO, is absolute, than yes you can stop! It is entirely up to you! She married, or loves, a man, so be one!

[anna kate]

I would give up most anything for my wife (who is sticking it out with me.) There would have to be some negotiation,should an ultimatum be issued. There is always middle ground, finding it is the tough part.

[ReineD]

First I agree with you wholeheartedly. How sad that some spouses or family members either refuse to move beyond their moral or religious biases, or they cannot come to understand the integral nature of being trans; that it is not a choice.

And sadly, people also have a host of other deal breakers that cause relationships and marriages to end. There is a very high rate of divorce in our culture notwithstanding CDing, and for a multitude of reasons. Here's a short list:

http://www.buzzle.com/articles/commo...r-divorce.html

Providing there are no forms of abuse in the relationship, ideally we like to see marriage vows being honored. We hate to think someone should want to end a relationship over some of the issues, such as experiencing financial problems or temporary setbacks due to differences in career goals. And if the love was strong in the beginning and there was a strong basis for compatibility, we like to think love should continue to conquer all. It is heartbreaking when it does not.

You asked why it is that family members feel that it is so easy to stop the CDing. They are in denial because they cannot let go of their expectations that "life" must look a certain way in order to provide them with happiness. They cannot alter their own course. And they are not alone in their thinking, based on some of the reasons for divorce in the link above that might have been overcome with time and compromise.

[trannie T]

Anna Kate said almost exactly what I wished to say. Do not accept an ultimatum, rather present a third or fourth option, such as counselling.

[obsessedwithpantyhose]

cding is what makes us who we are,,its part of us like an arm or leg,,
if the person wants to change us then they dont realy love us for who we are

and if we had to stop dressing,,i for one know that no amount of meds or talking will keep me from exploding....

and its small minded thinking that it can be "cured" like a cold if we just go and talk to a therapist....

i just turnd 46,,started wearing pantyhose when i was 12,,,you do the math,,i didnt stop when my son was born and im NOT gona stop now no matter who says i have to,,,,besides everyone who knows me knows about my cding and they alll still chat with me...


wow this was posting 1111 for me

[Dawn Marie]

My wife has given me the ultimatum of quit CDing or leave. I've tried and it works for a while(the longest about two years) but then it comes back with a vengance. I don't want to hide it from her but she gives me no choice. I try taking to her but she doesn't really want to hear about it. I've been seeing a therapist, but that only enhances the feeling that I am perfectly comfortable with who I am. I try to get her to go, but says she is too busy. I've lost two previous marriages because partially of my CDing, but that wasn't the only reasons. I don't what to lose her or the kids but I get so depressed when I can't just be myself, even if it is private. The only thing I can do is keep trying to change her thinking or don't see/don't tell.

[Lorileah]

doesn't it seem funny that the wedding vows almost always say "for richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health; for better for worse..." and then the fairy tale is over. They say that a man marries a woman thinking she will never change, and a woman marries a man thinking she can change him. Neither is true. No one should ever have to accept an ultimatum. There should never be a black or white answer to everything. The members of this forum prove that. One should always look for new options, compromises. Relationships evolve, that is a fact. We all have points where we question who we are and who we marry. But as i have said before, there was something that made you two want to be together in the beginning. Look deep inside, that person is still there, they may be buried under the stress of life, but they are there.

When a relationship gets to the "my way or the highway" state, it may be time to ride that thumb to the next destination. Someone who can understand that we are all different and embraces the person you are. That is true love.

[kym]

You can stop anything if you want to bad enough.
It depends on where your priorities lie.

i beg to differ. I was given a choice, kym or my wife, after much soul searching i chose kym. I tried to stop many times, always went back to my true self no matter how hard i tried. Some would say i lacked willpower or drive to stop, but, it came down to what would make me happier, being married to someone who wanted to control me(and it was not only my dressing) or be more comfortable about who i was and the way i was born. Some can control the urge to dress,I cannot because its who i am. I was able to quit a lot of things(for example: smoking,drinking, illicit drugs) but those things were not who i was or who i wanted to be. My number one priority is being happy and being with someone who can accept me as a human, not necessarily as a man or a woman.

[trever_zander]

For this one i have to give my GF props. before she even tried to approach me about some ultimatum she made the effort to read both of the Helen Boyd books (She's Not The Man I Married and My Husband Betty), and I have to say that really helped the conversation when she got up enough nerve to confront me about my dressing. So, given the fact that I hadn't read either of the books and felt a little lost for how to explain things to her, I also read through both of them. Wonderful books, which I would recommend to anybody's SO, GF, wife, or otherwise, to help them understand our position.

While I can't give you any personal words of wisdom, or the perfect come back line for such an unreasonable ultimatum, I can say that those books worked wonders to start the dialog and ease the communication.

[Melanie R]

My first wife and her father gave me an ultimatum of stopping my sinful crossdressing lifestyle or divorce. I told both of them to get the divorce. That was the best decision of my life.

[RobynP]

Soon or later we as crossdresses may be face with the ultimatum to stop dressing, it may come from or wifes, girl friends or from a family member.

1) Family Members -- If one is dependent upon that family for food and/or shelter, then one should be respectful of their wishes until sufficient funds are acquired to move out. It is no fun being a homeless crossdresser....

2) Girlfriend -- This depends on the definition of "girlfriend". If one has been living with their girlfriend for a few years and children are involved, go to #3 - Wife. If the definition of girlfriend is a casual relationship, then it is time to say, "See you later! Glad we found this out now before we got married!"

3) Wife -- In a strong marriage, there should never be any ultimatums given by either husband or wife (except for abuse, alcoholism or drugs, or adultery). An ultimatum could be a sign of someone who is feeling that they have lost control of the situation or they feel very threatened. I think the best way to handle this is to find out what is the reason for the ultimatum and address that issue. Do NOT give in and do NOT issue your own ultimatum. Do not get mad or upset. Your relationship has just suffered a serious injury. If you cut yourself badly and were bleeding all over the place, you'd seek immediate medical treatment, right? The ultimatum is a serious relationship "injury" and now the relationship is "bleeding all over the place". You now need to seek immediate relationship treatment (from a qualified 3rd party).

Robyn P.

[Sheila]

I may be far off base here, purely beacuse I am an accepting SO, but it may be because they did not know for so long that "they want to return" to that space ..... we know it can't be done, but it may be in their minds that if you "stop Dressing" they believe it may have Just been a "phase" and so can go back to the place of not knowing ...... does that make any sort of weird sense ?

[MarcieM]

i beg to differ. I was given a choice, kym or my wife, after much soul searching i chose kym. I tried to stop many times, always went back to my true self no matter how hard i tried.

Then you made your choice. Nothing wrong with that, if it's what you really want. But there's nobody holding a gun to your head. Anyone can stop cd-ing if they want to.

[Jess_cd32]

.......Why is it that they feel that it is so easy to stop......


LA CINDY LOVE

Because they think we do this by choice.

..............Anyone can stop cd-ing if they want to.

I highly doubt this comment!

When I came out to my SO recently I told her this isn't a choice thing and its not going to just go away, its here to stay. At first she said she was going to leave but has since calmed down some.
Its not easy for alot of others to accept us as they don't understand us and have very wrong impressions that go with it.

[battybattybats]

I got the ultimatum... but mine was worse.

Cause mine had more to it:

If I CD'd again it would hurt her. If I hurt her the relationship would be over. If the relationship was over she'd have nothing else to live for... and would kill herself!

So mine literally had a suicide threat at the end of it!

If it werent for that i would have stood my ground. With it though I said that that the ultimatum wasn't fair, that usually my response is to do the opposite of what was demanded of me rather than give in to any such demands but as depression and suicide was in the mix that what was most important was getting her help...

Yeah well that was years of struggle to get her dragging heels to any sort of help for her problems and I'm still suffering from what I went through trying to get her to help she then squandered.

And when finally I was at breaking point and ended the relationship? Well that was over a year ago and as of the 2nd of this month at least she's still alive. That at least is good.

[Kelli Michelle]

You can stop anything if you want to bad enough.
It depends on where your priorities lie.

Really? I guess a gay person could just stop being gay too, huh? Or a lesbian could just stop being a lesbian, right? What about TSs? Could a hetero person stop being hetero if they want to bad enough? I could see you being right if cding was just a choice, but for many of us it's not. In those cases, I believe you would be (respectfully) mistaken.

Ultimatums box people into a corner. It also distorts and limits their choices; an aggressive and obnoxious sense of pressure is added to an already difficult decision. Second, because of the ultimatum, resentment is sure to linger, no matter what the result. Should a loving spouse or SO take this route? Maybe....if she is unwilling/unable to compromise...but damn, try to be loving when you do make the ultimatum, "I love you, and I know this is difficult for you, but it is for me as well. I have tried to understand and come to grips with this, but find I am unable. Would you be willing/able to quit for me? Because honestly, I can't see myself living with another woman....etc".

"Ultimatums are more 'nasty conditional' love than selfless 'I accept you for who you are' kind-of love."

As far as what I would do? I can't/won't stop, so if I said "ok, I'll stop", it would be a lie. So I would be truthful and put the ball back in her court.

[Angel.Marie76]

I've only had this conversation with my therapist at this point, but if for some reason my son just /totally/ lost his S#@t over my dressing, I only said that I would do whatever would be necessary not to crush him. If I had to say to him that I would not dress around him, obviously that would make my life difficult if I've already came out to everyone else. If my family told me to stop dressing.. um.. well, see, there's catches to all of this. If my mother and I became alienated, then she wouldn't be able to really interact with her grandson as easily (as just one example).

As far as an SO goes, in previous experiences I've just dug deeper into the back of my closet and hid. *sigh* I know it doesn't do much for the relationship at that point, and has caused me to purge before, and just overall STOP dressing for significant time. In the long run though Angel's continued to poke her head out of the closet again and again.. the reality of my inner self I suppose. Without having the experience and fortitude to have lasted through a multi-decade relation or marriage, I can only say that if my SOs recent haven't been accepting these days, they haven't been around relatively long.