not true. i have tried many times to stop dressing for the sake of my wife, it never worked because the urge was always there. Many people think that this is an addiction when its more like a genetic trait. An addiction can be overcome being transgendered cannot.Originally Posted by MarcieM
when in doubt, dress
I'm married to a fabulous lady and I'd do anything to keep our marriage in order, that includes giving up some hobbies.
Regarding what is written above: Avoid friendly fire, it causes unnecessary tension. Seek clarification if theres any hint of misunderstanding.
Take care.
They just don't understand it isn't something we just do to pass time that it something inside us. that drives us. And unfortunately many don't want to try to understand. I thank God my wife knows Angie is a part of me and accepts her being a part of my.
Angie
Sorry Marcie, but it's not as simple - or as easy - as that.
Like most of us (all of us?) being a CDer is something that is so deeply within me that to stop would be to destroy a part of me.
It's taken me years to come to terms with who I am, the whole me, and I realize that I cannot expect others to easily understand in just a short space of time.
I think I go with the other comments. The only real hope is to try to understand each others fears, to talk things through with open minds, and through love to reach a position that we can each be happy with.
I would tell my girlfriend that dressing is a part of me and I can't change it. If she can't or won't respect that then she should leave. I'd look for someone else who could accept me.
Ultimatums usually come from ignorance but the good news is that ignorance can usually be cured by education. However, some people simply choose not to be enlightened and this has led to racism, sexism, antisemitism, etc... After marriage, I thought my desire to CD would go away. I was wrong. I purged several times and each time the desire/need to cross dress came back. The idea that I could supress or eliminate my desire to cross dress was based on the idea that crossdressing was somehow wrong. Now I understand that it is a part of me and it is an important part that I could not live without. In an real sense, my crossdressing is a part of what makes me the person that I am. I believe my need to cross dress is based on the wiring in my brain and without a brainectomy (no such thing I just made it up), there is no 'cure' for crossdressing. Even if it were possible to 'cure' crossdressing, I would not be the same person that I am. Unfortunately, suicide, depression, and drug abuse are more likely in people who try to supress their need to crossdress. Just look at the statistics for young gay and lesbians who are not accepted by their parents. The only thing is that the public is seemingly more accepting of gays and lesbians than crossdressers!
This is a very difficult topic...
In my case, my wife is clueless (I think), and of course I've never told her. When we married, I thought that I would stop dressing and that the urge would go away.
And it's not just "ignorance" from her not accepting that. If we call ourselves "open-minded" we need to respect other people set of believes. It's just not compatible with her principles, and I can even understand why.
To be honest, if I could stop I would stop. Period. And I probably could (I have for periods of time), it's just too difficult.
In my case, I'm a cross dresser, not a transgendered. I don't feel trapped in the wrong body. But I have enjoyed and have cross dress since age 8. I enjoy it just because I enjoy my feminine side, but let's also face it: it also as to do with the sexual arouse involved with it.
We usually talk about "the urge". And we justify ourselves by using "the urge" as an argument.
What if "our urge" would be for cheating our wives with other women instead of cross dressing? Or smoking? or sado-masochism? What would be the difference?
It's about "our" urge (or "my" urge). I'm not thinking in anybody else when I do that. It's selfish, because I care more about how much I like cross dressing than the consequences and the damage I could do in the people I love.
Sure, I have the right to enjoy that. I could even be right if I say I deserve to enjoy it. I wish I had everything, cross dressing whenever I like, a wife proud of his cross dresser husband, and a society that would admire me for my efforts for passing as a real girl. Wouldn't it be nice?. By that's not reality. Reality is that I, using my free will, chose my wife and made a promise of being with her until the end of my days. Nobody forced me to. And I decided, also using my free will, not to tell her because I honestly thought that I would stop.
I could be a bigger man and leave this lovely hobby in sacrifice for my loved ones. Many other bigger men make bigger sacrifices for their family or for their country. It's just a matter of personal decision.
I don't mean to judge anybody or play with anybody's guilt. It's just a quick rambling about my thought on this matter.
If she ever finds out and gives me an ultimatum, I'd do all my best to stop cross dressing.
This is a two way street, no? I mean you should respect her beliefs, AND she should respect yours, right?
As far as the "urge" goes, if that is all it is, than I would say no problem giving it up for her. But what if its more than that, like a lot of people on this forum?
"What if "our urge" would be for cheating our wives with other women instead of cross dressing? Or smoking? or sado-masochism? What would be the difference?"
Obviously there is a huge difference between cding and the above. It doesn't endanger you or others, it's not immoral or illegal, and hurts no one. Those are inapproprate comparisons, imho.
One's acceptance of the wife's/so's position in her ultimatum, should she give you one, would be disingenuous if you know you would cd again. What if you tried and couldn't do it? Would you tell her that you messed up? Or keep silent?
Love of ones wife/family, would not neccessarily keep one from dressing, if it's part of who you are. If it's just another habit, different story.
The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
- Dolly Parton
This is a two way street, no? I mean you should respect her beliefs, AND she should respect yours, right?
Agree 100%. But what if beliefs are very different or even incompatible? Then the only solution is to break up? Sometimes we have to decide on trade-offs. And my love for my wife is stronger than this belief.
As far as the "urge" goes, if that is all it is, than I would say no problem giving it up for her. But what if its more than that, like a lot of people on this forum?
That's the main point, my dear. That's what makes it difficult.
"What if "our urge" would be for cheating our wives with other women instead of cross dressing? Or smoking? or sado-masochism? What would be the difference?"
Obviously there is a huge difference between cding and the above. It doesn't endanger you or others, it's not immoral or illegal, and hurts no one. Those are inapproprate comparisons, imho.
I know that the comparisons can be extreme, but here we go again with the beliefs. Sado-masochism might be "normal" for some couples, not for others... A wife finding out about the hidden cross dressing of his husband will definitively hurt her.
One's acceptance of the wife's/so's position in her ultimatum, should she give you one, would be disingenuous if you know you would cd again. What if you tried and couldn't do it? Would you tell her that you messed up? Or keep silent?
That's another difficult one. But it's also a matter of choice.
Love of ones wife/family, would not neccessarily keep one from dressing, if it's part of who you are. If it's just another habit, different story.
A loving CD would not force others to accept dressing, if it's difficult for their beliefs or for any other reason. This is also a two ways road.
Remember, You're entitled to happiness too!!!!
Sure! But it would be sad that my happiness relies and depends only in cross dressing.
I don't believe that is what she meant.
I think she means that you -as a person- deserve to be happy as yourself and this includes your cd'ing as most of us have been doing this ALL our lives and it has contributed to making us into the human beings we now are and to stop would not be possible.
Racquel,I don't believe that is what she meant.
I think she means that you -as a person- deserve to be happy as yourself and this includes your cd'ing as most of us have been doing this ALL our lives and it has contributed to making us into the human beings we now are and to stop would not be possible.
You are right, I didn't mean to be harsh with my comment.
What really pisses me off (with myself), is that I hate that cross dressing could possible be stronger than me, stronger than other many things that provide me with truth fulfilling happiness.
Cross dressing has provided good doses on joy and happiness, but nothing compared with the things that cross dressing could endanger.
Just to make it short: my marriage and family are the most important things in my life. I'm willing to stop CDing if I have to, no matter how hard it might be. I hope I never have to get to that point, though...
Marcie, I am a GG and I do not believe that it is possible for a cdr to "stop" cding at will without severe mental pain, even to the point of seriously contemplating suicide in some cases.
Sure some "stop" for periods at a time, the need disappears, but if that need is there then Stopping can be detremental to their own health and to relationship all around them .. just my
I allow myself to set healthy boundaries ..... to say no to what does not align with my values, to say yes to what does.
Boundaries assist me to remain healthy, honest and living a life that is true to me
For short periods maybe, even a few years is possible, but permanantly...NEVER!!!
Marcie, I am a GG and I do not believe that it is possible for a cdr to "stop" cding at will without severe mental pain, even to the point of seriously contemplating suicide in some cases.
Gee, you make it sound like a disease
My wife knows but I've never gotten the ultimatum, so I'm very lucky in that respect. If I did get the ultimatum... I'm certain my marriage would fall apart rather quickly.
When I came out to my wife, I was already bursting - I couldn't keep it to myself anymore. I did it slowly, over time, but I had to come out when I did because I couldn't keep it bottled up anymore.
I spent about 35 years fighting the urges, with little success. I tried to kill off that defective part of my personality, but it didn't work.
They probably think it is a defect in our personality - like swearing too much or lack of manners. We all know better though.
Crossdressing is NOT a defect in us, it is ONLY a social taboo and something most people (non-cd's) just don't understand.
I think it is safe to say that marriages in which where the ultimatum is dropped will never truly work - at least not on an honest level. With very, VERY few exceptions, crossdressers cannot change who they are - they can only lie to themselves and live with the personal torment that fighting the urge (to be who they really are) will bring them.
It makes me very sad to think that many crossdressers end up in this situation. It sometimes drives me mad thinking about it. It's not fair to force a man in to a life that he cannot live without being completely miserable with himself.
I've never had any success changing various things about women I've dated before getting married. That is what usually lead to relationship termination. Why on earth would a woman think she can change who a man really is? It just doesn't work that way.
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Ultimatum,
not the sort of word i would like to hear in a relationship as it really has connotations that you are doing something really unacceptable in a relationship and i know that i am going to be biased but i could not see how some form of Cding could not have some acceptance as the Cder should be able to appreciate an acceptable level for their Cding.
Relationships are an on going thing and working things out together is part of that, so if it come`s to ultimatums someone is someone has to look at it and ask why.
I consider myself as quite strong willed if i want to be and if i was given an ultimatum for some reason to save my marriage/family i would say to them ok i will stop and maybe they might think that i had stopped but i can quite honestly say that i know for sure that i would not stop i would do it in secret and i would hate myself for that and it would eat away it me , but i am only telling you how i feel that doe`s not mean that others can`t stop as they may dress for completely different reasons than i do
Last edited by Joanne f; 02-12-2009 at 03:59 PM.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Joanne
no I don't ........ as far as I am aware, I believe it to be a part of who they are, and to deny that part will cause them severe manetal anguish ........ now correct me if I am wrongMarcie, I am a GG and I do not believe that it is possible for a cdr to "stop" cding at will without severe mental pain, even to the point of seriously contemplating suicide in some cases.
Gee, you make it sound like a disease
I allow myself to set healthy boundaries ..... to say no to what does not align with my values, to say yes to what does.
Boundaries assist me to remain healthy, honest and living a life that is true to me
Well, I think that it is not true for a CD. Maybe it's different for a Transgendered person.
And again, maybe there are some shades in between...
Steph, you stopped dressing and after 5 years she asked you to re start your dressing habbit. No way, she must have been a truly golden girl. You are just so lucky and must really have had some special times together.Marcie, you are 100% correct. I started dressing at age 8 and am now 76! I told my late wife before we were married, and said that I would stop if she wanted me to. She did not want me to stop, as long as I remembered that I was her MAN! However, on my own I did stop for a 5 year period, after deciding that dressing was not very manly!. Only started dressing again because she begged me to!! She said she missed Stephanie and the fun times we had as two girls!
I'm totally green with envy.
for now.
Stephanie,Marcie, you are 100% correct. I started dressing at age 8 and am now 76! I told my late wife before we were married, and said that I would stop if she wanted me to. She did not want me to stop, as long as I remembered that I was her MAN! However, on my own I did stop for a 5 year period, after deciding that dressing was not very manly!
It does all depend on where your priorities are. If "you" come before your loved ones. then probably you will never stop. Because your "love" is not that strong. But if your love for your wife, or SO, is absolute, than yes you can stop! It is entirely up to you! She married, or loves, a man, so be one!
If she wouldn't have asked... What would have been the case?
Sure it's not a manly thing to do, very hard to argue on this
Ok, then I guess someone must have forced you to crossdress at gunpoint.
I never said anything about not having mental anguish, or it not being hard. I said anyone can stop if they make their mind up. Cd-ing is a choice.
That is the point .... it is not for many
I allow myself to set healthy boundaries ..... to say no to what does not align with my values, to say yes to what does.
Boundaries assist me to remain healthy, honest and living a life that is true to me
Yeah, in the same way dying is!!
Prove to me that someone can give up C/Ding by just deciding too and they don,t have mental issues as a result.
Can you give up by willpower alone?
I do feel that I push my wife in to a corner and brought all this down on me you see CINDY was out of control when I look back on it.........it was all about CINDY and her selfish ways.
All the lying, sneakiness going out on the weekends coming home very late was starting to put a strange on my marriage I was spending more time with CINDY then my wife and kids....... she would let me know how she and the kids were feeling many time but I was to much into Cindy
Well it got to the point were it was just to much fighting in the house about CINDY so I had to make a choice or be face the ultimatum that would soon come, so I stop dressing and grow a beard......uuuuuhh, but I do have to say that the kids are doing better and me and my wife are doing a lot better I know that she loves me and I do love her and my kids very much.
IN the last 4mo I only been out 1 time and that was to a friends B-DAY party my wife told me to go because she said that I needed to get it out of my system, so one day this week we were talking about a gas bill and she said ask me when was I going to get rid of Cindys clothing........I said nothing...... so she ask again....I SAID GET RID OF MY CLOTHING!!!!!!!
She said yes I want you to get rid of all your clothing wigs make-up jewelry and shoes by the end of this week (this was on Tuesday)......buy this time I had stop breathing, having my clothing around was like a security blanket.....so I ask why,well you did say that you are going to stop dressing right........I did say that,and if you get rid of all your Cindy clothing and stuff that you will have no desire to dress because you have nothing to wear.
But what about your clothing ? have you forgot that it was your clothing that i was wearing at first and your shoes.......this time I think she stop breathing.
I told her that the desire is not going away because my clothing is gone and not a day goes by that I do not think about dressing and that I do not wish to be a women at all,
I spend 5yr building CINDY from nothing to a statement it is a part of me that I am trying to let go.......it just takes time.
You see I was not dressing when I got with my wife and know nothing about crossdressing, then at the age of 45 I put on a dress for the first time........and I love the way it felt.......at that time I guess I was just going though some stage in my life and it would soon run it's course...........boy was I wrong.
I do know that my days as Cindy........will soon come to a end.
LA CINDY LOVE
Yes, you can if you want to bad enough. You're making this sound like a heroin addiction. It's not the same.
Cd-ing is absolutely a choice, unless we're talking about forced feminization, and everyone knows that doesn't happen.
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