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Thread: Soon to be EX-husband can't accept himself

  1. #1
    Junior Member Corrine GG's Avatar
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    Jun 2007
    Deep South

    Soon to be EX-husband can't accept himself

    Well, it's been a while since I posted here...the news is not so good.

    We have been married since 10/15/06. I have an 18 year old at college and a 15 year old at home. He has a 12 year old who stays with us 4 days a month.

    On the night of Jan 26, while I was in class, my husband got a hold of my 15 year old son's laptop. I am not sure why he was snooping on it... but he found a picture of his daughter on my son's was taken under the bathroom door and she was naked.

    My son happened to be staying at his dad's that night, Thank God.

    I was devastated...I cried...I drank...heavily, that night. My husband held me, told me to stop crying....we talked about what to do.

    Tuesday. I called my son's father, I called counselors, etc. I decided on counseling, a part time job (he apparently has too much time on his hands), staggered visitation so they would not be in the same house at the same time.

    My husband stayed home from work. Wednesday, he resorted to staying in bed all day (he does this when he is depressed)

    I understand the severity of this...I really do...but what happened next..I have no idea....

    At 4:00pm I went up to the bedroom and he asked me to make him a grilled cheese sandwich and soup. I did.
    When I bought it up to him, he started berating me...(a new different attitude) He said that my son would have never done it if I had raised him right...etc. He acted like my son was a deviant. I told him that he wasn't, the professionals I had been talking to told me it was common, just because you throw kids together and tell them that they are FAMILY, doesn't mean they view each other as brother and sister. To my son...she was just a naked girl in the bathroom.

    He was angry...I don't blame him, but 2 days LATER?

    Then he started putting me down...verbally abusing me. He started talking about what a deviant my son was and how he was going to tell his ex wife what he had done. I told him that she would never understand...she was the one who didn't understand the clothes she found in his trunk (her clothes, his daughter's clothes, and mysterious clothes)

    I told him that she thought he was a 'deviant' for using his YOUNG daughters clothes to dress (he would cut them up and wear them, like a toddlers bathing suit would turn into a thong.) He didn't know that she and I had talked about all this. I am not even sure he knew that she had seen what was in his trunk. I told him that I needed his help to get through this, I asked him to go to therapy with me to get the help we needed to get though this. (He has always avoided therapy like the plague)

    I left the bedroom and he followed me. I was getting some clothes and things together to take to my son. I was taking his laptop so his father could see what was on it too. (porn)

    In my arms, I had his laptop, a pair of jeans and a page out of the local paper (police blotter - minor caught with obscene material) trying to drive it home that what he did was bad and porn is not good either.

    That is when the screaming started, HIM, not me. It was My fault..."YOU HAD NO RIGHT!" I have no idea what he was talking about...I think he was referring to discussing his crossdressing with his ex-wife, the stuff in his trunk, the fact that he uses his daughter's clothing to dress.

    Then he punched me in the chest. Closed fist, as hard as he could. I just stood there. I was not even arguing with him, I was letting him rant. It took 7 days before the pain started to go away. I thought I had broken a rib.

    The he said, "Let's just end this right and!" then he took all my keys and told me I wasn't going anywhere.

    I feared for my life.

    Finally, he threw my keys at me and let me go. He yelled to me. "I DON'T EVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!!" I left.

    Ever since I found out about his secret (we had been married just 2.5 months) he has tried to force me out of his life. That is when I started researching and found this wonderful website. After I talked to a lot of you on here and was reassured that he loved me and he was so lucky to have a partner who accepted him and didn't mind that he liked to dress. I was just relieved that he didn't want to 'chop it off'. I loved him and wanted him to be happy. I guess that wasn't enough.

    I accepted him, I encouraged him, I bought him things...told him that he didn't need to stash things away from home...

    The only time I didn't feel right was when I caught him trying to pierce his belly button...I mean, how can he explain that to our kids at the pool? Instead, I ordered him some non-piercing belly button jewelry.

    I walked in on him admiring himself in the mirror in our bedroom recently, He said "I'm sorry" I said, "I don't care"...and I laughed and told him I loved him and left him to do whatever he wanted.

    Within an hour of punching me that night, he was calling locksmiths to get the locks changed. He has locked me out of the house. It will be 4 weeks wednesday.

    He had me served with divorce papers 9 days later.

    I would have never told anyone about our secret, but now I have to because it's the REAL reason we are ending our marriage. The fact that he can't accept himself.

    He took all the money out of savings, (20k) canceled my credit cards and I am basically homeless. I am staying in an undisclosed location because I am not sure about his stability.

    Now we get to handle this through attorneys.

    All I ever did was accept him and love him. He just couldn't accept himself. He made comments in the past, "I should never be married" I always thought it was just from shame. Now I wonder if he really wants to be a woman but won't admit it.

    Who knows? It's not my problem anymore. Two attorneys will get all the money.I wonder how long it will take him to find someone who accepts him...and loves him the way I did...demons and all.


  2. #2
    Aspiring Member StephanieT's Avatar
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    Mar 2007
    State of Confusion
    I am so sorry about what happened to you. You did the right thing to leave and stay away. Violence has no place in a loving relationship. Your ex will probably never be happy and he was lucky to have such an accepting partner. I hope you find a new safe place of your own soon. Being homeless sucks.

  3. #3
    Silver Member linnea's Avatar
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    Feb 2006
    What a sad story. I feel bad for you and in another way for him, but he needs help. I hope that he gets it before he does any other terrible things.
    Good luck to you.
    warmly, Linnea

  4. #4
    DawnRodgers DawnRodgers's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Central Florida
    Horse hockey. You have rights girl. Just because he has problems accepting himself doesn't mean you should suffer like this. When you are married he can't just shut you out and hang you out to dry. You tries. You more than met him half way. If he persists in this, I suggest you get a good lawyer. He has noi right to do this to you, I don't care what he thinks the relationship is. Protect yourself and don't take this abuse.

  5. #5
    sunny with a high of 75!
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Dallas-Fort Worth
    And suddenly my problems seem so so small. You did the right thing to leave, and to also love him before. Maybe one day he'll realize that, and can heal. You have already started on your healing by posting here. I'm sorry it ended the way it did. I wish you peace on your journey, such as it may be found right now, that the right people will come before you to help you on your way. I wish the same for him, and that no more violence will come from this.

  6. #6
    erica lynn stone erica12b's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Grand junction, colorado

    feel for you

    i feel for you (and him) hug (not enuff but all i have)
    I like my femself; it makes me feel more civilized, i think girltime should be a requirment for all kids.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Im glad your away from him and safe.Sounds like he might have snapped over other things in the future also.I agree,he can't just decide to throw you out,maybe an attorney can have a temporary judgment decided on your behalf so you will have some support until the divorce.
    Last edited by Celeste; 02-24-2009 at 12:42 AM.

  8. #8
    Weirdest woman ever! docrobbysherry's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Orange County, Calif.

    Corrine, I'm so sorry this happened to u!

    It is incredible the way some people feel the need to sabotage their own lives! The man u describe, seems filled with guilt and self hatred. U r safe now, but as a divorced father with a young teen daughter, I'm worried about his daughter! There may be more going on with him and her than u know!

    Any man that would wear his young daughter's clothes---, let's just say he needs help!

    I think u should see a County Family Therapist immediately! They're free to families that can't pay! Please tell your whole story to someone experienced there. They will help u understand what is happening to u, and can contact his ex, to be sure his daughter is safe!

    I think u should do that IMMEDIATELY! Just in case he's going deeper into depression! You'll feel better, too!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  9. #9
    Join Date
    May 2005
    I am very sorry to hear this and I am very sorry that you had to go through such pain. His not being able to accept himself doesn't give him the right to treat you so coldly.
    To all the ladies I have met here farewell for now.

  10. #10
    Junior Member JamieDP's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005

    dont be afraid to tell

    all i can say is a man regardless of his gender identity who resorts to hitting/striking a woman is dangerous. not just for yourself, but for all the children involved in the scenario. if he would strike out at you physically and blame you, he should be considered as being a possible threat to all the children involved...his daughter, your son...especially your son since he is very angry towards him...I don't have the answers, but just think about protecting yourself and the children. If there is no protection or a bad situation gets worse, there may never be the opportunity for anyone to heel ever....
    - "Dakota"

  11. #11
    Aspiring Member JulieK1980's Avatar
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    Jan 2009
    Canonsburg, PA
    That absolutely breaks my heart! I'm very happy to hear you are safe. I don't think he will ever accept himself, and be happy. It sounds like he has some serious issues to work through. Good luck to you! I hope you find happiness after all this works its way through. Remember money isn't the important thing, you and your families safety is.

  12. #12
    Meberette Hope's Avatar
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    Feb 2009
    Do you, or your son, have any proof that it was your son who took the photos? The whole thing sounds pretty sketchy to me...

    Because your husband's behavior has been so reprehensible it will not take a good lawyer to secure a nice alimony settlement for you, merely a competent one. Use some of that cash to pay for a therapist, it sounds like you have been through hell.

    You should also (if you haven't already) contact your local domestic abuse program, (look in the phone book, or call just about any social services agency - including a local church) they have a variety of resources to bring to bear to help women out in times like these including (usually) housing for you and your children.

  13. #13
    Banned Read only
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Denver Metroplex
    Quote Originally Posted by Corrine GG View Post

    Then he punched me in the chest. Closed fist, as hard as he could.
    A slap across the face is one thing... but punching your wife? Nuh-uh. This dude's got some serious issues.

    Love him or not, accept him or not -- this is the kind of muy malo hombre to run the hell away from.

  14. #14
    Silver Member DanaR's Avatar
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    Feb 2008
    Shopping at the mall, in the Pacific NW USA
    Wow, I am so sorry that this has happened to you. He definitely needs help, no one deserves what he did to you.

    Take care,
    Dana Ryan

  15. #15
    Always be happy Mistybtm's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Johns Creek ,GA
    Quote Originally Posted by DawnRodgers View Post
    Horse hockey. You have rights girl. Just because he has problems accepting himself doesn't mean you should suffer like this. When you are married he can't just shut you out and hang you out to dry. You tries. You more than met him half way. If he persists in this, I suggest you get a good lawyer. He has noi right to do this to you, I don't care what he thinks the relationship is. Protect yourself and don't take this abuse.

    I totaly agree here take care.

  16. #16
    Member queenie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Bay area
    I read this and was utterly flabbergasted! The way that he treated you just broke my heart. The fact that he actually HIT you and felt no remorse tells me that he is not someone you should be with at all. Sadly there are many abusive and delusional men like this around, crossdresser or not. It doesn't sound to me like a self acceptance thing, it just sounds like he's got a whole lot of issues and chose to take it out on you. Be safe and I hope for the best for you.

  17. #17
    Banned Read only battybattybats's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Northern NSW Australia
    He's clearly going off the rails entirely.

    I would suggest you ask about what the laws are in your area regarding having someone sectioned as for his own sake he may need it and also what protection orders like AVO's etc you may be able to use to help protect you and your family.

    He has the kind of issues only professionals can do anything about.

    This is a horrible example of what transphobia does to people. He was harmed by anti-transgender attitudes growing up which has led to his own self-hate which has led to his outrageous assault on you physically, emotionally and financially.

    So if you do feel you must tell others about this part of him please be careful to be pro-TG in the way you do it as the people you tell may have TG kids, siblings, parents, cousins.

    And we all need to consider more our obligations to improving knowledge understanding and acceptance of TG people and other similarly effected and closeted groups within general society. Because if we all don't do enough then there will be other people who grow up filled with such self-hate that they go off the rails like this!

  18. #18
    Diamond Member Persephone's Avatar
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    Nov 2008
    On the road in an RV, homebase Texas
    Quote Originally Posted by Corrine GG View Post
    My heart goes out to you, Corrine.

    Sometimes, our love and reality can be totally in conflict, and it sounds like this is one of those times. The person that you love and married does not seem to be that person in reality. Crossdressing is not his problem, he sounds like a seriously disturbed and abusive person and you must make the hardest turnaround of all and stay away from him.

    As others have suggested, you also must try to help protect all of the children who are involved. He is very, very likely to abuse his daughter or anyone else he can put under his control. Hard as it may be, I would urge you to contact the Department of Social Services.

    You have our care and support at this devistating moment, but you have to take the actions that will protect you and the children from this man forever.

    Please seek the help you need and may God hold you and the children in the palm of His hand.
    "If you are living the life you want to live you've successfully transitioned to being the person you want to be." - Eryn.

    "If you truly care about me you should damn well want for me what I want for myself" - Michael Westen (Burn Notice)

    -.-. --.-/-.-. --.-/-.-. -../ Persephone™ and Persephone™ are trademarks of Persephone herself, accept no substitutes. The terms "en femme" and "en drab" originated with Marcia Sampson/Staylace (OBM).

  19. #19
    Silver Member Jonianne's Avatar
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    Jun 2008
    Tidewater, Virginia USA
    I can find no words to describe my horror at this situation. My thoughts and prayers go out for you and the children. Please be careful.

    "Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free" Bob Dylan

  20. #20
    Senior Member Kelsy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    So sorry!
    It seems that his problems are more than you can remedy! He sounds dangerous and the situation was unsafe! I feel for your hurt and loss but I believe that you'll be better off separated from him.

    Born female intended

    " Don't die with your music still in you!"

  21. #21
    Ain't love grand :-) Jess_cd32's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    If this man can hit you like that full force and then continue onto what he's doing he's got some serious potential to do even more harm, possibly deadly. Whatever you do DON'T ever meet with him in any way to 'discuss' things should it ever be asked, stay away at all costs.

    I'm also thinking something is up with him regarding his daughter like another post said, something not good either. You definatly want to discuss this with his ex wife, the whole ordeal that happened.

    I think he's dealing with far more in his mind than CD/TG issues, thats only the tip of this iceberg. I'm really hoping that he hasn't harmed his daughter (yet), I think he will eventually thats my gut instinct.

    I really feel for you right now and hope things start to turn around for you for the better soon.

    As for what your son did, at 15 y/o a male is unfortunatly having a sexual thought about every 30 seconds from what I've read in the past, I was one once so I know. He's curious for the most part, I think a good talk about why he shouldn't have done that could be enough for him, it was very wrong. Porn on his comp as well, normal to a point so long as it doesn't take over his life, all kids are looking at it unfortunatly with the easy avail. on the net.
    At that age we read Playboy, the prior generation looked at the Sears catalog, today its the net for kids

    Good luck, my thoughts are with you.

  22. #22
    Avatar Isn't Me......duh Alana65's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Beyond what others have already deserve a HUGE HUG, and I agree wholeheartedly with what Kitty says below........good luck to you and the children.

    Quote Originally Posted by kittypw GG View Post
    WOW Corrine, what a nightmare. It sounds like you took all the right steps concerning your son, counseling, limiting exposure to the girl and trying to work through a difficult situation with your husband.

    I agree that your ex has some serious issues and you should take steps to protect yourself. I hope you made a police report about the punch in the chest. Perhaps you should make a report now at least to get it on record. I know it is not something that you think about doing but I was told by a few police that my ex know exactly what he is doing and is very devious so you have to think in ways you would not normally just to protect yourself.

    Do not make the mistake that he thinks "normally". Wearing his daughters clothes???? Ahhhh, that is worse, in my opinion, than a teenage boy sneeking a peek at a teenage girl in the bathroom. No wonder he avoids counseling like the plague.

    He showed you the tip of the iceberg Corrine. Consider yourself lucky that he has shoved you out of his life. I think you were headed for a very turbulent and icky life.

    The divorce will cost you money but you will still have your life and you were spared the agony of spending anymore time with this,,,, Yes I would call him a DEVIANT.

    Take care and protect yourself


  23. #23
    Member Rebecca Sue's Avatar
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    Jan 2009
    Along The Banks Of The Volga River
    He is clearly filled with self-loathing that he is unable and unwilling to deal with in a healthy manner.You were very understanding and loving and got punched in return. It's fortunate that you got out of the situation. Good luck to you.

  24. #24
    Pretty in Pink Amanda Shaft's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    I live in West Dorset, England.
    I'm so sorry to hear of your troubles. My advice for what its worth is: be safe! Be safe yourself, keep your family safe, and try to help his daughter to be safe. Be secure first, then look into resolving the many issues you face.
    Amanda x
    So far in the closet, I've got one foot in Narnia!

    Never do anything that seemed a good idea at the time!

    Today I am the youngest I'm ever going to be!

    add me and message

  25. #25
    Breakin' social taboos TGMarla's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Southwest USA
    Ouch. I have to agree with what Dawn and Kitty said here. Furthermore, a guy should never hit his wife like that, no matter how much he feels like doing it. He showed no restraint there. And if an accepting wife does not bring him towards self-acceptance, nothing much will except time.

    Divorce is almost always very ugly. I feel for you, and I'm sorry you have to go through it. I wish good things for your future. I don't think your son is a deviant. He may have shown some poor judgement, but what kid doesn't? It is wrong to judge a kid on one incident. Who among us has not slipped from time to time.

    All my best to you. Good luck.

    Any money found in the laundry is MINE!

    "This is no social crisis....this is me having fun!"

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