My choice to live life on the fence has proven to be an never ending battle. On one side I want me to be happy and on the other side I want my kids and family to be happy.
I was raised with certain ideals and being a good father was one of those. I think of how I would have felt if my own father decided to live the rest of his life as a woman. I think I would be pretty confused, to say the least. How I would have been in the long run, I can't say.
I was born with mind and body in conflict. This will never change unless I do something to resolve the conflict. Right now changing the brain is impossible so that leaves me only one option. I think I'd be more content living the remainder of my life as a woman except for the impact it would have on my kids.
So I have the things I learned battling the way I was born. What wins?
When I was in therapy I initially believed the kids would come to accept my transition. My therapist gave me hope this would happen but her focus was on me being happy and that meant transitioning. My son's reaction to my crossdressing told me kids need their father. So after a lot of soul searching I chose to live my life in the middle, a much harder road to travel than I thought.
I have already proven to myself over and over that if I go too long w/o dressing I start to sink into a funk. The time frame seems to be getting shorter and shorter and that worries me. It hasn't been all that long since I made the choice how I will live my life but the repercussions from it have been substantial and it's wearing me down. I wonder how long I can continue like this. Therapy wasn't helping at all so I stopped going. I read self help books frequently and that helps somewhat but nothing stops completely this feeling of hopelessness. I live my life between a rock and a hard place and it's taking its toll.
Even the fiercest of warriors need a break from battle but the only time when I get that is when I'm dressed or sleeping and it's never enough to recooperate.
I'd like to hear from anyone else struggling with this and how you cope.