OMG my wife left me!

[Jacquilynne]

You read correctly. . .my formerly accepting wife took the kids and left me with no warning!

I've been watching a quiet house since Wednesday when she left. . . and alerted me while at work by text message!! She told me a few weeks ago, a friend from out-of-town was coming to visit her on Wednesday as she had business to do in the area. She said her friend was going to take her to lunch as well. I said that was nice, have fun!

Then, about 2 hours before I was to get off work, I received a text message saying: she wouldn't be home and please do not call, she would email.

Uuh, I was shocked. . .no email. . . no call. I tried to call her several times and only voicemail. I finally received an email on Thursday saying she was up north and the kids were ok. The email also included an attached letter.

The letter was filled with dramatic language such as:

"Familiarity breeds complacency and you and I have been very complacent about what we want out of life while failing to realize we've been walking on two different paths completely diverging from one another. " And "I've lost you to another woman. Her name is your name and her face is your face".

It turns out that she wasn't accepting but tolerating the new me. . . It has been a bit different since New Years Day when I told her everything . . .I've been trying to balance my dressing but I think May have rushed things a bit and drove my family away. Now, there are more sides to this story as she too has some faults that have helped to create this lack of communication and the slow decay of our marriage. . .I won't go into all that. Just know that we both have our "demons" that have led to this end.

So here I am in a quiet 3 bedroom apt. having just lost my job on Friday. What a week!!

It gets better, my mother who lives nearby decided to call my wife and wish her a "Happy Birthday" as it was her birthday on Friday as well, but she couldn't get a hold of her so she decided to drop by and bring her gift over That's where it gets interesting, since my wife had already split , my mother got concerned after she called me and I didn't return her calls ( I was at work in a busy Automotive plant) Finally, when I was able to call her, I had to tell her about my wife leaving. Now, the family knows that my wife left me and here came the questions of why!

I told her I would talk more after work.

What was I to do I needed to answer the why questions . . .so I outed myself to my mother and told her everything about my dressing. she already knew about my wifes faults in causing the slow decay of our marriage as they have been going on for many years. but she was unaware of my dressing and she has taken it HARD! She views it as a sickness and an addiction that I must change! Saying I am selfish and lack self-esteem and if I continue will have a hard time in life -- being ridiculed and such. . . she really is not accepting at all! and wants me to seek counseling immediately. . .

I am beginning to regret even telling her but I felt it may come out eventually and was part of the reason she left. I hope this was the right thing to do.

Now, here I am wondering what to do next, I am really not sure it is possible to work this out with her due to the facts that we both have things we need to change in order to make this marriage work and even if I can manage to suppress my urge to dress. I am not sure she will change her faults to meet me. This is my biggest worry. These next few weeks will be eye opening and telling that I am sure.

I'll wrap this post up with this, we must remember sometimes it may seem our SO's are accepting but they may just be tolerating . . . hug you wife . . .love on her and please keep up the communication and make sure not to rush into dressing at a pace that goes beyond you SO's boundaries of comfort ( feel that I might have done this and that is the guilt I bear as my part of our mess). . . I'd hate to see this happen to anyone else here.

BTW -- I have been dressing 24/7 (except at work ) since Wednesday. And I have been loving it although I do miss the chaos of the family.

[Tracii G]

It really hurts when the just up and walk out, been there.
Just go on being you thats about all you can do.
My fist wife walked out too but I kept my kids I'm thankful that she had enough sense to know I was stable and a very good Dad.
I still hate her guts just not as bad now.
I was left twice for another man that really hurts.Sounds like that is what she did to you. When they say friend it means a man no matter what they say take it from me if she did that to you you are better off without her IMO.
Be strong sis.

[Zenith]

Wow...that is some really terrible news......make sure and keep talking to us and your personal friends...try and take care of yourself now...

[wendy68]

Im and so sorry for what has happened to you Jacie, my wife is also only tolerant and refuses to see me dressed. Its been shakey since I told her a year ago .Im doing all the things you have outlined to assure her my feelings are the same as ever but its still difficult for her to get around it. I feel like is a double edged sword situation . I cant change who I am but at the same time cant get her to see that Im the same person inside that she feel in love with. I pray that with time she will be more accepting. I just wanted you to know that whats happened to you is a frequent fear of mine and that Traci is right in saying to be strong. I wish you all the best-sincerely--wendy

[Ðarissa]

Oh no, that is terrible news Jacie... so sorry to hear this and you don't deserve to have this happen. Just walking out and leaving like that is just sooo wrong.

Stay strong Jacie! You deserve better than this...

Just go on being you thats about all you can do.

Zactly! Always remember that... keep being you and stay strong.

[TxKimberly]

Ouch! I am SO sorry!

[MssHyde]

I'm so sorry to hear that. I have been down that road.

I was so dis-trot I had a heart attack over it. lost a wife of 20 years.

You take care of you! sometimes its hard to know how stress is effecting you, until its to late.

let me know if you need a shoulder.

[Kayla Shadows]

Im so sorry Jacie.You are right though,communication and giving your SO space to create their comfort zone with crossdressing is very important.Communication has to be there on both parts and feelings need to be expressed before it gets to this level.

I dont know what the right thing to say is with stuff like this.No matter what,it still hurts.I could say be strong but..you'll find your strength when you see you have no choice but to be strong.Words dont really help me.Im at war with my heart every single day.Just know I care and your feelings are shared.You may be alone but your not.Talking does help to get your feelings out.We are all here for you.Those who have lost,as one dark flame we burn.

[KandisTX]

Jacie,

I am sorry this has happened to you. I have been there, only I didn't recieve a text message, I found out when I got home to a dark house 4 days before Christmas in 2000. It turned out she felt that Kandis was more important to me than her in her eyes. That was the furthest from the truth as one could possibly get. It hurt like hell, and I suffered pain as I went through the motions of trying to live a normal life. It took me almost 5 months to completely get over the pain and accept that she was gone, I tried to reconnect with her during that time and wore myself out practically begging her to come back to me. Eventually I asked her straight up if she wanted a divorce, her answer of yes brought a calmness to me and allowed me to finally let her go.

Now, I'm not saying that you should do the same, I'm just telling you what happened to me and how I got over it. If you Love her, you should attempt to find out if there any chance of reconciliation at all. That may mean that Jacie has to go back into the closet, but it may be a way to get your family back together again.

Please keep us posted on YOUR progress as well, please take care of yourself.

Kandis

[marny]

call the cops!

[Jess_cd32]

Hey Jacie,
Wow, so much happening at once, it gives credence once again to the old adage when it rains it pours. As I've also said recently regarding that phrase, they didn't warn us about the dumptruck of more BS to follow right after.
I'm sorry all this is going on at once, thats alot to handle. Losing a job is bad enough let alone everything else going on at the same time.

Sometimes when things like this happen it seems like the end of the world for you, but hang in there. Thankfully you at least have this forum for support right now, and you'll receive alot here

I wouldn't be so hard on yourself regarding the cd'ing issues, they are part of us, we didn't ask to be cd's. Sounds though like you said there were alot of other issues in the marriage not working. Believe it or not, sometimes these things happen for the better in the long run from my personal experiences. Granted that advice doesn't help much at the moment though.

With your Mom, your going to have to educate her later about cd'ing, she needs to realize your not doing this by choice, there is no "cure" and its not a perversion. Most of us are really good people, so we dress female, big deal in a nutshell. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about it.

With your wife you have to really soul search right now and see if getting back together is something you really want, chances are she won't be changing her habits, whatever they are and do you really want to stop cd'ing knowing its about impossible? Things can always be worked out with the kids to spend time with them. I'm wishing the best for you, there's alot on your plate to deal with right now.

I can totally relate to what you've said about our SO's accepting vs tolerating, thats good advice and not to be taken for granted. You did do the right thing by comming out, so did I even though it was total hell here earlier on for both of us. Try to think some positive thoughts during this, you'll make it thru this and be a better person for it.

[RobertaM]

Wow, I offer my support.

If I can offer any consolidaton; is that your story has hit a reality pill in my life.

I have recently decided to accerate my x dressing out from the bedroom only mode before.

My wife has been tolerate. But this thread lends a warning that we must find balance with our SO and not let the PINK FOG take over. My family is too important for that.

Ciao roberta

[Karen564]

Wow, what a week is right!!!
That is a lot to handle in just a week, and I really do feel for you, I wish you well and strength to get through these very tough times.

I had a similar situation, except it happened over a course of 6 Mo, 1st lost the job, then I started my company, then my dog got hit by a drunk, lost a good friend to cancer, and then my wife of 25 years left for good, except she left a note on my pillow to tell me, but our two little girls stayed with me for 3 years while their mother found herself, now they stay with her and we are just friends again.
But that's life sometimes, you just never know whats around the corner, but when you hang in there, you will come out of it stronger in the end.

Just take care of yourself, and hang in there..


Karen

[Rachel Morley]

BTW -- I have been dressing 24/7 (except at work ) since Wednesday. And I have been loving it although I do miss the chaos of the family.

This last comment is what makes me think you are going to be ok. That's the difference between me and you. I just know that if anything even slightly less than perfect happens in my relationship the last thing I want to do is dress. Maybe this is how it's supposed to be. "Every cloud as has a silver lining" ... and all that ..... good luck and be true to yourself.

[Katrina]

This last comment is what makes me think you are going to be ok. That's the difference between me and you. I just know that if anything even slightly less than perfect happens in my relationship the last thing I want to do is dress. Maybe this is how it's supposed to be. "Every cloud as has a silver lining" ... and all that ..... good luck and be true to yourself.

I couldn't agree more.

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

I've lost jobs, I've lost spouse but not in the same week. I feel for you.

About the separation and divorce, think the timing thru, your wife may have decided to leave you month's before she actually left. My wife left me after thinking about it for over a year, with me not knowing a thing was wrong and when she sprang it on me I was devastated. The proverbial Knife in the heart pain, real pain. I tried counseling with her which lasted about 4 or 5 sessions, at the last session she told the counselor and me that she's only coming to the counseling sessions because I need it, to make the divorce easier for me. She told me and the counselor that she thought about the divorce for a long time, made up her mind that it was the right thing, that's when she told me. The point I'm trying to make is this, sometimes the wife will decide and think about the divorce for a long time before actually doing it. When the decision to say it is done, the wife never turns back, all you can do is take care of yourself and go forward..

As far as the job loss, do what you need to do to survive. File for Unemployment benefit's, seek out a good lawyer, remember the legal ramifications of what she is doing. If you had a shared home she still needs to pay half the mortgage till the divorce, Put a marital block on credit cards, call the companies involved tell them you are separated and have a block put on the cards, so she can't charge up your credit to the max. With the lawyers help if your wife also worked you may be able to get alimony from her while you are un-employed. I will tell you bluntly that she will have her friends telling her, to get everything from you, that is possible. You need to start protecting your half of assets. Take half of your money out of all savings and checking accounts and open your own in your name only. Document on paper what the account balance was before and after. This shows the court that you left her half. As far as IRA accounts etc. document the account balance as of DOS (Date of Separation) very important. Above all have marital block put on the accounts or possibly have the accounts separated into separate accounts, one in your name only and one in her name only.

Once those things are done many of the pressures of what to do are off your shoulder and you can start the healing process. Take care of yourself etc.
As far as your children if possible seek a child support agreement with your spouse outside the system, have her sign it. Otherwise if the domestic relations system works the same as here in PA you can get hit for major support payments. If possible if you still live in the same area seek joint custody, you may not need to pay support then, especially if you have them every other week.

I know I've mentioned a lot, but it is important to hear it. I know what your going thru and if you want to talk, PM me. The pain does go away in time and if you can forgive her for her part in the divorce it will make your life easier, plus for the sake of your children it will help if you don't hate her.

Love Kimberly

[cd300]

but i have been there before 3yr ago before mothers day my actively participating wife up an left with our child for similiar reasons as your so.
she gave me the speech of how she thought she could do it and we could both be happy but she felt she could not control how far it went.. but after a month away a promise to "try to stop dressing" she came to her senses and we have managed to make it work somewhat.. i did manage to keep jessica out of the pic for a few months but as we all know she came roaring back but to my surprise it was her who realized i needed jessica back before even i did. so with many many boundries and limits we are in a somewhat fair position as far as dressing..i seem to get the feeling you really want your family back so for those reasons i would try at least to have a sit down with her and see if there are workable senerios.. if not then the others girls advice is right on and i would get cracking on making sure you are prepared for a divorce. i really hope it works for you.if you ever need to chat PM me...or you could email me look into my profile..
good luck
hugggs
jessica

[Hope]

Ugh.

People can be so unfathomably $¿|77y to each other. It boggles the mind.

She didn't even have the decency to tell you face to face? A text message? Is she in high school? Unless you were abusive (and I assume you were not) there is no excuse for that sort of behavior. That is the way children deal with relationship issues, not the way adults do. Ugh.

I BTW am completely in agreement with Tracii on this one - she has shacked up with another guy. Which works to your benefit in the divorce proceedings... but it certainly doesn't feel any better I am sure.

If you haven't done it already, you need to close your join bank account, you need to cancel any credit cards in her name, and you need to shop for divorce lawyers, you need to talk with ALL of the good ones - so that she can't hire them. And you need to do it yesterday. I realize that is not what you want to do, but if you are unemployed - you don't want to be without a savings account that she has emptied too. Seriously, protect your assets while they are still yours to protect. You might also want to hire someone to track her down and get proof of her shacking up... Don't play soft-ball with her, she is obviously not going to play soft-ball with you.

She has obviously been planning this - you need to move quickly, if it is not already too late.

[TV Wannabe]

So I think I would call the police because she kidnapped your children. Divorce her and show no mercy.

[Emily01]

such a sad story but much that is useful to others is to be learned from it too.....i wish i could do something to make it better for you, if i could i would. please do take good care of yourself - be your best friend today.

[DanaR]

Jacie,

I’m sorry to hear about your bad news. I would suggest that you try to talk to a counselor, just to help you though all that is happening. He/she might help you with a different perspective on what you are or will be going through. If you decide to go this, you might check and see if they have any experience with transgendered patients before hand.

Good luck and keep us informed on how you are doing.

[Joanne f]

OK i started reading this one and thought how sad and how devastated you must be as when it happens unexpectically like that it comes as a big shock and can knock you for six for a very long time.
But then i hear you say at the end , oh i have been dressing since wednesday 24/7 and loving it , well it is nice to see that you are happy but i must be missing something or maybe i am just built different to a lot as i would be totally screwed up.

[Carin]

Oh Jackie

I am so sorry that you are going through this now. It is a life shattering, numbing, scary. The abruptness of it all is a double whammy. So you take it one day at a time. It IS ok to take refuge in your Self. There is a seed beneath the surface, and from that seed life will grow. Your life. This chaos will slowly move into the past. The sun will shine. When the good people on this forum said that to me this past year, I surrendered to their faith when I could not find it in myself. Day by day your strength will grow inside. Like a jigsaw first dumped from the box, one by one the important pieces will come together, and the picture will emerge.

Take care of your self along the way. Nurture your self as best as you can. Seek council when appropriate. And when you need to lean on something we are here for you.

[Shelly67]

Its hard , the loss and shock of a partnership failing can really knock the wind outta youre sails . I think in light of whats happened and how everything is now in turmoil I,d try to do one thing if you can . Calm down .Do whatever you need to , cry , shout , go punch seven bells out of a punch bag Go see youre doctor if need be . But don,t even try to make sense of the issues right now . Just gather youre thoughts ,hold onto you and try youre hardest not to worry and let things settle .Wait a bit before you attempt any kind of contact with youre wife. She too ( faults and all ) will be worried , exhausted and very emotional . Sometimes it takes a real big argument and time apart before you can truely see the wood for the trees , so to speak .
As for therapy , for goodness sake , it seems as tho thats the answear for everything . It isnt . You have no addiction , nor are you ill . Just be you , be calm in youre ways , dont be deterred , certainly dont feel guilty . One thing try to abstain from alcohol . And most of all try to eat . In times of great stress I found a good long walk very beneficial .
Perhaps my advice is,nt really fitting into youre lifestyle or ways , but theres only one truth in this horrible situation . One way or another you,ve both got to be able to communicate at some point over youre children . And for that you,ve got to be a man with a steady and firm grip on the situation .They are the ones that matter . I suggest that if it can be agreed professional marriage guidance could at least open communication . It seems as tho you both seriously need to brigde that gap . Take good care , be strong . I,ll be thinking of you and I truely wish you all the very best .

[Jennifer_Cross]

I'm with Tracii on this one... Got the tee shirt twice.

But life DOES get much better

Jen