I told my wife, the rest of the story

[RWillow]

First let me say that I find no fault with advice I received from this forum. If I had to tell my wife again I would do it the same way.

My wife's reaction when I told her I was a cd was, "Oh yeah.", no other reaction. I asked if there were any questions and she said no, that was Wed. night. Thur. morning she was super nice but nothing was said about the talk on Wed. I was advised to ask her in a couple of days if she had any questions or thoughts, that is what I did today.

Her mood today was at best foul, I knew something was wrong and decided to try and get it out in the open rather than let it fester. I asked her thoughts on out talk, she tore into me and asked, "Why did you feel you had to tell me something like that? Do you know how it makes me feel? How am I supposed to deal with this? She then told me that I have been living a lie for 50 years and I have made her look like a fool. She is right in that respect and I tried to explain that when I told her. She said that our whole life has been just one big joke.

One of the girls warned me when she replied to my earlier post, she said that it all seemed to easy. Was she ever right, it did seem to go too easy and I paid full price today.

My wife said at one point that she can't afford to leave me because all her money is tied up in our house. She was referring to money she got when her mother died and a large part of her 401k she spent on a remodel project. I was speechless, I didn't know what to say or how to react. Later on I asked her if she wanted me to leave, I would pay her back for the money she put into the house. She said that I couldn't afford to leave either. I think what she meant was that she couldn't keep the house if I left because she couldn't make the payments or keep it running without my money.

I mentioned the forum and how she could chat with other wives and SO's. Her comment was "I don't want to get involved with those people." That comment hurt me deeply, I am one of 'those' people. I know we are both old and were raised during a time when sex was considered the worst 4 letter word, but I thought she had more understanding and compassion than that.

One of her comments was that I had lost all trust as far as she was concerned. "What happens when I leave the house and happen to come back unexpected? I could not take comming home and finding you dressed like a woman." I tried to explain that I would never allow that to happen, her reply "Yeah right." "If the kids find out it will just kill them." I said I don't intend telling the kids (3 kids, ages: 46, 44 & 42), and I do not intend making a public announcement.

I told her I was sorry that I hurt her, I really do love her and I only wanted to save her from finding out by accident, I felt that would be worse. I can not be sorry for what I am.

All in all after 4+ hours talking she has succeded in making me feel lower than whale crap. I am the worst person in the world, I should be ashamed to breath the same air as the rest of the world.

This is the first time I wish the heart attack a year ago would have killed me, everybody would probably be better off if it had.

Sorry to go on like this, I just feel so alone and in th dumps, I had to say something to someone.

Thanks for listening, girls,
Renyta

[PanteeQueen]

The first time X-dressed in front of my wife was for something different in bed. When I finally told her, she responded with "so now your going to become gay?" And I've had mixed emotions since. I've been told to buy my own stuff, start slowly so she can accept it starting with tight shirts and underwear now finally I can wear camisoles and bra and panty sets. Other times she just flat out rejects its. I take what I can get, but it is a slow and frustrating proccess.

PQ

[gretchen2]

That is to bad panhead. What I difficult time for you, try to hold your head high and take a deep breathe. What you do is not a bad thing, you are still the same man that she married, none of that has changed. Maybe with a little time she will come around and realize that. Good luck.

[sandra-leigh]

Ouch!!

Sending you some

[ReineD]

I'm so sorry it didn't go well for you, Renyta. Did you read this thread first before telling her? It talks about preparing yourself first with all the information and it also discusses the different ways your wife may react so you can better help her.

Still I cannot imagine how difficult it would be to bring this up for the first time in 50 years. For both of you.

It is natural for your wife to go through lots of different emotions. It doesn't mean she will not be able to accept this eventually. Please understand she needs the time to process this and catch up to you. How long did it take you to come to terms with the CDing within yourself? You might find it helpful to read the last link below my signature, "Now I Like It, Now I Don't", for insight into how your wife may react in the near future and advice you might find helpful.

[Satrana]

"If the kids find out it will just kill them." I said I don't intend telling the kids (3 kids, ages: 46, 44 & 42), and I do not intend making a public announcement.

I think your kids would cope just fine, they are ever so slightly old enough! to cope with the knowledge and you should tell them first or risk your wife telling them to try to demonize you. In fact getting your kid's acceptance would be the best thing to happen to your wife as she would wonder why it was only she that was blowing things out of proportion.

You have taken your first step out of the closet, do not stop now after you experience this setback which is hardly unexpected. You need to point out to her your pain too - how you have sacrificed your entire life to provide her and the kids with a normal life while you carried the burden of guilt alone.

[DanaR]

I'm so sorry it didn't go well for you, Renyta. Did you read this thread first before telling her? It talks about preparing yourself first with all the information and it also discusses the different ways your wife may react so you can better help her.

Still I cannot imagine how difficult it would be to bring this up for the first time in 50 years. For both of you.

It is natural for your wife to go through lots of different emotions. It doesn't mean she will not be able to accept this eventually. Please understand she needs the time to process this and catch up to you. How long did it take you to come to terms with the CDing within yourself? You might find it helpful to read the last link below my signature, "Now I Like It, Now I Don't", for insight into how your wife may react in the near future and advice you might find helpful.

Renyta,

I have to agree with Reine, you dropped a lot on her and she will need time to process it all. Try to be patient and understanding.

[Delila]

It sounds to me as though your wife is embarrassed and it has very little to do with your dressing. You have managed to keep a pretty signifigant secret about yourself from your wife for a very long time, many of us have no idea what it means to be married that long let alone keep a secret for so long. Have you put yourself in her shoes (figuratively) and considered how you would feel if she announced that say she had an affair for the last 50 years because I have met many women that feel that that is an accurate comparison. I do not think that she will out you to your kids more for her personal embarrassment than yours. In my opinion you should give her some time and space and let her think things out just don't let the subject stagnate or you may regret it later.

[Persephone]

Wow Renyta! I'm sitting here trying to understand the impact of what has gone on and all I can do is think about how much I wish I had the right words to really help you.

The bottom line probably is that although you feel awful at the moment, you are still the same wonderful person who has stood by your wife and your family for the past 50 years. When they needed you, you were there and that was because of who you are. None of that generous, giving, loving person has changed. That person was, and is, your entire personality, the sum total of who you are, including your crossdressing.

Without that sum total you would not have been the person that you have been.

Right now you wife is in a form of shock, struggling with the understanding that there is a piece of you, a vital piece of you, that she has never known about. It will take more of your love and patience to help her move through this.

It is easy to see that you are far from being the terrible person that, right now, you feel you are. You haven't been anywhere near a terrible person up until now, and you aren't now. There are aspects of your current situation that, naturally, hurt, but you should not feel bad about who you are.

You have the love and support of a large crowd of people scattered across this electronic community, and I'm one of them.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Jonianne]

.......This is the first time I wish the heart attack a year ago would have killed me, everybody would probably be better off if it had.......

I am so sorry your wife took it so hard. My heart just goes out to you. As a father, husband, yourself, you are of upmost value, no matter how hard it feels.

[Hope]

If I were you, I wouldn't be sad, I would be steamed.

I often disagree with Satrana, but this time I think she is right on the money. If you tell your kids, you get to be in control of it, and look like you are being the big person by being open about it. If your wife tells them, she gets to paint you any way she wants to, and I would not count on that being positive.

Also, unless your kids are particularly closed minded - you can count on them being better about this than your wife has been. Seriously, these youngsters today are much more open and accepting than you might imagine. I say that as someone about a decade younger than your youngest. And when your wife sees your kids responding as adults, she will loose the ability to hide behind the whole "even the kids will hate you" bit. Which is what that is - an excuse. I say, call her bluff. At this point, you have nothing to loose.

And the thing about the $$$ and the house is just petty and cruel. I am sure that for the last 50 years you have been building a life together, and you haven't considered the cash and the time and effort you have put into building your life together as "yours" and the time and $$$ she has put into it as hers... it is mutual $$$ and mutual effort, for a mutual life. besides, if you are asked to move out of the house, you would not be obligated to buy her out, she would be obligated to pay you for your half of the house. But that is not what she is after.

She is upset because you didn't tell her sooner, or she is upset because you told her at all. I'm not sure that those are legitimate reasons to be upset. I know folks here get their panties in a ruffle about telling your SO ASAP, and I approve of that sentiment - but at the same time, you are a fully functioning adult human being, and allowed to disclose, or refuse to disclose information about yourself at a time and in a manner of your choosing. You are not obligated to tell anyone your deepest darkest secrets... you are certainly not obliged to tell them to anyone on anyone else's schedule. Is it better for YOU if you are more open, with those who are closest to you, sooner? Of course it is - but "when" is a decision you have to make... and not one that anyone has a right to second guess.

On the other hand - if she is upset because you told her at all... Hrrrmmmm... I'm not sure that is a legitimate claim either. You are not responsible for deciding what other people can handle knowing, or deciding for others what it is that others want to know. The people closest to you, those who love you the most, should be ready to love and support you through the difficult times of your life. If they are not prepared to do that, they certainly have no right to know everything about you.

Your wife DOES have a right to be pissed off, or wierded out - but not because you have kept this secret from her, and most certainly not because you have told her this secret. She can think that it is strange, or not know how to deal with the info, and you can work to figure that out together - but it sounds like she has had an extraordinarily immature, and unfortunate reaction.

She is going to have to realize that the person she loves is one of "those people" and like all bigots, she will have to learn that "those people" are not nearly as bad as she had been led to believe. That can be an uncomfortable thing to admit, and it may take her some time. And I would bet you dollars to doughnuts, that by "those people" she means "the gays."

At the end of the day, as Persephone pointed out, if your wife loved you before you shared this with her - she should still love you now, as nothing about you has changed - the only difference is that she knows more about you now than she did before.

Wailing lasts the night, but joy comes with the morning.

[ggtracy]

be patient with her. she is hurting, she is scared, she is grieving, to her life as she knew it is over. I know her words were cruel and hurtful. sometimes when one is in pain, they often lash out at someone else to help relieve their own pain. it isn't really effective, but it is a typical reaction. I am sure she doesn't mean those things she said.

i wish you the best.

[Susieboots]

Wow!! I feel for you, I really do but you have to be patient now. You've taken the first step, giant leap for some, and thats me included as well, and now you will have to go at your wife's speed I'm afraid.
Your wife has told you that the trust in you relationship has gone but now you will have to trust her to do the right thing, if it was me I wouldn't tell my kids though because the idea of telling them upsets your wife. I think this is something that you BOTH will have to decide to do when the time is right for both of you and that isn't now is it?
Let your wife think things over for a while and I'm sure the things that she said were only said in the shock of the moment. Think how you might react if it was you and some of the hurtful things you might say.
Please don't feel you would rather be dead though because there will be other people who still need you and want you and though its easy for us to say, its just not worth it however bad you feel.

Please hold on and I wish you all the luck with this and that works out ok.

Susie xxx

[DonnaT]

All in all after 4+ hours talking she has succeded in making me feel lower than whale crap. I am the worst person in the world, I should be ashamed to breath the same air as the rest of the world.

I figure the reason you feel that way, Renyta, is because your wife has been hurt. Something you clearly didn't intend to happen. And you love her deeply.

50+ years of marriage says a lot. Maybe, after you leave things alone for a while, you can remind her of the love you two have shared.

[JillHill]

I feel your anguish. I am 61 and we have been married for 27 years. Not quite your 50.

I told my wife four years ago. At first she seemed to be tolerant. We went on a cuise and I dressed in Galveston before and some during the cruise. Sometime after we returned home, She became very angry about it. I'm am not sure what set it off. Maybe I was taking it to fast.

Now, four years later she has bought me three night gowns, One on another cruise. I have worn panties 24/7 since that time so all night I am enfemme at the time. We go and have pedicures and manicures done together. The only things she says is don't dress in front of me. I suppose she means in day clothes because she has encouraged me at night.

Why the attitude she has and why has she changed? I'm not sure and maybe it will change again. I think some is a natural reaction to unexpected change that we people are not ready for. Relationship wise, many people stay in bad relationship because they know what they have, and the unknown is expected.

This has been my expierence only. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

[JoAnne Wheeler]

I feel your pain - my Spouse tolerates my crossdressing one moment and the

next, she rehashes everything bad against my crossdressing that she can

think of or hashought of.

JoAnne Wheeler

[Teri Jean]

I am sorry to hear that she had such reaction. I cannot think of anymore to say but this. When I told a nephew his comment was "you have been a wonderful father and husband and the fact this did not come up sooner is a testiment to your devotion to your family first". Maybe that will give you and opening for further talks with her. Huggs Keli

[Sheila]

You need to point out to her your pain too - how you have sacrificed your entire life to provide her and the kids with a normal life while you carried the burden of guilt alone.

Sweetie that is the last thing you need to do right now .... you have had 50 years to know what you are doing & how you are feeling ....... when I discovered my Ex partners CDing 2 and one half years into our relationship ...... it was the fact that he had lied to me the person he claimed to love .... now that was just 2 1/2 years of lies I had to deal with your wife has a lifetime of lies to try and get her head round .... of course she is going to be hurt angry and confused ...... as you said you two were brought up in an era where sex was not openly discussed .... please give her time to be angry .... give her time to come to terms with the fact that you had a life that she knew nothing about ... pushing the envelope right now is not a real good way to go .. you have rocked her world and severly rocked it

You are not obligated to tell anyone your deepest darkest secrets...

This is not anyone Hope this is his wife & lifetime partner

The people closest to you, those who love you the most, should be ready to love and support you through the difficult times of your life. If they are not prepared to do that, they certainly have no right to know everything about you.

I am sure they have stood by each other in many difficult times of their lives .......... and I am sorry but if this is so damned important to you then yes your partner has a need to know ...... she/he /they do have a right to know something of this magnitude ........ it affects their lives as well hun

At the end of the day, as Persephone pointed out, if your wife loved you before you shared this with her - she should still love you now, as nothing about you has changed - the only difference is that she knows more about you now than she did before.

And at the end of the day it can be said if you loved us & trusted us enough in the beginning you would have told us !!!!!!!!! It is the lack of trust thet damn well hurts when we find out ...... rightly or wrongly we feel betrayed ...... I know I did ....... I tried for a further 2 years with m,y ex after I discovered ........... he kept lying ... he krpt scratching at my sore point ......... the betrayel by lies .... for me it was never about the cding ( well it could hardly be, I met Deborah Jane after we split on here, we met and we marry in Oct) ........... the lies were the destroy factor but just my

[JulieC]

And at the end of the day it can be said if you loved us & trusted us enough in the beginning you would have told us !!!!!!!!! It is the lack of trust thet damn well hurts when we find out ...... rightly or wrongly we feel betrayed ...... I know I did .......

I'm going to have to disagree on this. If it were only that easy.

Crossdressing is something that only a very thin sliver of society accepts as ok, normal, worth having in a friend or partner.

To the rest of us that have to live in the real world, our desire to crossdress is almost universally a source of deep shame, embarrassment, self loathing and fear. It can take decades to work through it to the point of being self confident enough to prevent it from being an unhealthy part of us.

But let's be clear...the main source of the problem (not all the source, but the main source) is society. If the society we grew up in was accepting of more than two genders, much of these problems would be non-existent. Yet, they do exist.

So how does a person react in such a hostile environment? Keep in mind this is an environment that is heavily polarized against us. Our very essence is wrong. It's hardly surprising that many men respond by repressing, purging, escaping, and all manner of reactions that strive ever so hard to keep things hidden.

So, we find someone we fall madly in love with. They don't know about our crossdressing. We're desperate for a 'normal' life, and hope that maybe...just maybe...we can have a normal life if we just keep repressing our urges as much as possible and keep it hidden from this angel in our life.

It isn't that we don't trust you. It isn't that we don't love you. It IS abject fear of rejection, betrayal, destruction of our lives, the unknown outcome of telling...for many of us the for the first time in our lives...SOMEone about our CDing.

I spent nearly 20 years of my life dating before I married my wife. Some of those relationships were very significant, strong loves. One of them was with "Jane", who at one point asked me to put on pantyhose someday for her. I was shocked, stunned, amazed. I couldn't believe she said that. I'd never once said peep about any CDing desires. So, one day I did go out and get some pantyhose. I put them on, went over to her house, and then turned into a shaking leaf as I sat frozen in fear trying to tell her I was wearing pantyhose. I still didn't tell her about my CDing, just that I was wearing pantyhose as she asked me to do. Later on, she and I became engaged...but broke it off six months later. She and I are still very good friends, nearly 20 years later, and she still doesn't know.

With my wife, I told her a few months into my relationship with her. I was at a point that I knew I wanted to be with her forever, but also didn't want to invest anymore time if she didn't want to be with me...all of me...

But that takes courage, time, self acceptance, and a mature, adult attitude that few 20 somethings have.

I tried for a further 2 years with m,y ex after I discovered ........... he kept lying ... he krpt scratching at my sore point ......... the betrayel by lies .... for me it was never about the cding

And there's the rub...continuing the negative behavior after revealing it all.

[JulieC]

All in all after 4+ hours talking she has succeeded in making me feel lower than whale crap. I am the worst person in the world, I should be ashamed to breath the same air as the rest of the world.

You've born the brunt of the worst of this storm. It's spun out of control and fallen to a very low level. Know this; before you can start going up again, you have to finish going down.

It may be a while before things start going back up, but being at the bottom is not the end...it's the beginning of the next steps. At your stage in life, that can be hard to imagine. You have to actively choose to move forward. The more healthy you are in your approach to this, the better chance you and your wife have together.

View yourself as worthless, incapable of being loved, ought to be dead, etc. and your wife will have no grounds on which to respect and love you. Do your best to be the best person you are.

[Jess_cd32]

First let me say that I find no fault with advice I received from this forum. If I had to tell my wife again I would do it the same way.

Agree 100% with that

I asked her thoughts on out talk, she tore into me and asked, "Why did you feel you had to tell me something like that? Do you know how it makes me feel? How am I supposed to deal with this? She then told me that I have been living a lie for 50 years and I have made her look like a fool. She is right in that respect and I tried to explain that when I told her. She said that our whole life has been just one big joke.

Heard exactly the same from mine, and still do off and on.

My wife said at one point that she can't afford to leave me........
........I was speechless, I didn't know what to say or how to react. Later on I asked her if she wanted me to leave, I would pay her back for the money she put into the house..

When mine also said she wanted to leave and felt "trapped" now because she couldn't afford it, I laid down 1K next to her a few minutes later and told her thats the last thing I want her to ever feel, if you truley want to leave that option is now open.

I mentioned the forum and how she could chat with other wives and SO's. Her comment was "I don't want to get involved with those people."............
.......That comment hurt me deeply, I am one of 'those' people................I thought she had more understanding and compassion than that...

I'm having so much in common with this thread its almost like I wrote it, mine said something so similar but its out of anger and frustration, they don't mean it. I'm sure she is compassionate as is my SO, they are hurt and lashing out. No one here should be offended by any remarks made by someone thats angry like our SO's, their only venting and deservedly so.

One of her comments was that I had lost all trust as far as she was concerned............. "If the kids find out it will just kill them." I said I don't intend telling the kids............ and I do not intend making a public announcement....

Mine also said there is a lost in trust here as well, and about others finding out, thats a huge concern of hers. After all, now she's with a "weirdo", she didn't say that but she's thinking it for now.
And going public which is also another of her concerns, I assured her I have no intention of doing that as you have.
"I can do better than this" is also one of the things I've heard, you may very well be next for that one.

I told her I was sorry that I hurt her, I really do love her and I only wanted to save her from finding out by accident, I felt that would be worse. I can not be sorry for what I am.....

I explained the same to mine, I never wanted to lie or decieve her about this, but this has always been apart of me and its not an easy thing to tell anyone. we never set out to hurt anyone, it wasn't a choice thing, its not accepted by society and so we lied, that we're sorry for. As far as being a cd, I can't help how I was born, I'm not sorry for that either

All in all after 4+ hours talking she has succeded in making me feel lower than whale crap. I am the worst person in the world, I should be ashamed to breath the same air as the rest of the world......

I listened to that till 4:30 a.m. just this morning as a matter of fact, only most of it wasn't talking, it was yelling.
I've since found I'm attracted to "transvestites" from what she said
.......and the list just goes on and on.

This is the first time I wish the heart attack a year ago would have killed me, everybody would probably be better off if it had.

Sorry to go on like this, I just feel so alone and in the dumps, I had to say something to someone.

Thanks for listening, girls,
Renyta

I know just how you feel as everything that was just said to me is still very fresh in my mind also. It sounds like we both got hammered within hours of eachother today
Hang in there, its actually better that she gets this off her chest now rather than keep it in. I told my SO today I'm glad she's getting it out, however she chooses to do so, but next time can it at least be during daylight hours and not an allnighter Just reasure her you still love her more than anything, she needs that right now. As for you, with a past heart attack, you need to calm down right now, things will work out.

[linnea]

Your wife's feelings are at the heart of the matter. She feels betrayed, she feels uncomfortable, she feels lost, she feels hurt.
What she thinks is, in a way, irrelevant. What she feels is supremely important. Help with those feelings. Let her rant and blow steam. Eventually, she will be more able to talk and then there may be more feelings.
That process may take a while; I hope that she will stick with it.

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

I would be forthcoming with your adult children and tell them as well. Being younger and hopefully more open minded they will be more accepting. With them being accepting your wife may realize she is overreacting to your revelation. I told both my adult children, granted they are 1/2 the age of your's but they were very accepting of me. I am closer in age (52) to your children and feel more open minded, more tolerant and understanding about gender issues. I would say tell them before your wife say's something to them..

[BLUE ORCHID]

TRY talking to a priest or minister maybe you can get your wife to go with you
that could be a start.
I can feel your pain just remember we are all here for you.
.................................................. ...............................ORCHID

[Di]

I think she is hurting,mad, feeling betrayed, scared, and grieving, as her life as she thought she knew it to be is not what she thought. And most times you react in anger when this happens. Hang in there things will calm down and I hope she will reach out for info. And you have had 50 some yrs to figure this out....she has had not much time at all and if she wants it kept between the two of you honor that ( I saw another poster told you to go against her wishes and tell the children.) Answer any questions she might have honestly and after time I think she will realize....you have not changed...this has always been you....she has to get over the shock and feeling betrayed. Best Wishes to you both.