So sorry for you dear. My heart goes out to you. You have the love and support of your tg sisters. Reach out to us but don't be afraid to seek professional help too. It can be emprmously helpful to you.
All my love
Sasha Anne
So sorry for you dear. My heart goes out to you. You have the love and support of your tg sisters. Reach out to us but don't be afraid to seek professional help too. It can be emprmously helpful to you.
All my love
Sasha Anne
Hi. Four kids? That's quite a brood. She will find that without any help, she has her hands full, and that her lifestyle will change in a way that she will not be happy with. Marriage takes hard work and compromise, love, and commitment. Without all four, they are bound to fail. Will she even speak with you? Talk is the foundation for everything. So try to talk with her and see if it's possible for you two (six) to reach a compromise that allows you all to maintain as a family. Good luck.
Any money found in the laundry is MINE!
"This is no social crisis....this is me having fun!"
www.flickr.com/photos/tgmarla/
Oh no, that is terrible news Jacie... so sorry to hear this and you don't deserve to have this happen. Just walking out and leaving like that is just sooo wrong.
Stay strong Jacie! You deserve better than this...
Zactly! Always remember that... keep being you and stay strong.
Weeeeeeee
I've lost jobs, I've lost spouse but not in the same week. I feel for you.
About the separation and divorce, think the timing thru, your wife may have decided to leave you month's before she actually left. My wife left me after thinking about it for over a year, with me not knowing a thing was wrong and when she sprang it on me I was devastated. The proverbial Knife in the heart pain, real pain. I tried counseling with her which lasted about 4 or 5 sessions, at the last session she told the counselor and me that she's only coming to the counseling sessions because I need it, to make the divorce easier for me. She told me and the counselor that she thought about the divorce for a long time, made up her mind that it was the right thing, that's when she told me. The point I'm trying to make is this, sometimes the wife will decide and think about the divorce for a long time before actually doing it. When the decision to say it is done, the wife never turns back, all you can do is take care of yourself and go forward..
As far as the job loss, do what you need to do to survive. File for Unemployment benefit's, seek out a good lawyer, remember the legal ramifications of what she is doing. If you had a shared home she still needs to pay half the mortgage till the divorce, Put a marital block on credit cards, call the companies involved tell them you are separated and have a block put on the cards, so she can't charge up your credit to the max. With the lawyers help if your wife also worked you may be able to get alimony from her while you are un-employed. I will tell you bluntly that she will have her friends telling her, to get everything from you, that is possible. You need to start protecting your half of assets. Take half of your money out of all savings and checking accounts and open your own in your name only. Document on paper what the account balance was before and after. This shows the court that you left her half. As far as IRA accounts etc. document the account balance as of DOS (Date of Separation) very important. Above all have marital block put on the accounts or possibly have the accounts separated into separate accounts, one in your name only and one in her name only.
Once those things are done many of the pressures of what to do are off your shoulder and you can start the healing process. Take care of yourself etc.
As far as your children if possible seek a child support agreement with your spouse outside the system, have her sign it. Otherwise if the domestic relations system works the same as here in PA you can get hit for major support payments. If possible if you still live in the same area seek joint custody, you may not need to pay support then, especially if you have them every other week.
I know I've mentioned a lot, but it is important to hear it. I know what your going thru and if you want to talk, PM me. The pain does go away in time and if you can forgive her for her part in the divorce it will make your life easier, plus for the sake of your children it will help if you don't hate her.
Love Kimberly
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
With Love,
Kimberly
"Count it pure joy when the world comes crashin
hold your head up and keep on dancin" MercyMe
but i have been there before 3yr ago before mothers day my actively participating wife up an left with our child for similiar reasons as your so.
she gave me the speech of how she thought she could do it and we could both be happy but she felt she could not control how far it went.. but after a month away a promise to "try to stop dressing" she came to her senses and we have managed to make it work somewhat.. i did manage to keep jessica out of the pic for a few months but as we all know she came roaring back but to my surprise it was her who realized i needed jessica back before even i did. so with many many boundries and limits we are in a somewhat fair position as far as dressing..i seem to get the feeling you really want your family back so for those reasons i would try at least to have a sit down with her and see if there are workable senerios.. if not then the others girls advice is right on and i would get cracking on making sure you are prepared for a divorce. i really hope it works for you.if you ever need to chat PM me...or you could email me look into my profile..
good luck
hugggs
jessica
I'm so sorry Jacie. Please don't do anything rash. I know it seems impossible right now, but things will get better again.
Ouch! I am SO sorry!
Sorry to hear you lost your family but thats the reality of being a crossdresser,we risk losing those who are most important to us.
I guess the decision is up to you,whats more important being a crossdresser or your family,yeah the choice is tough,or is it.
If she files for divorce can you imagine what it will be like if she retains a real shyster lawyer who specializes in slinging mud,is that something you want your children to experience,I know I have been there,during my divorce in 1972 the judge ordered me to undergo a psychytriac evaluation at a state mental hospital because I dressed.
I really don't know what else to say just make sure what you decide to do is right for all parties,and not just your own wants.
Sorry but thats the reality of it.
Last edited by Kate Lynn; 03-08-2009 at 11:09 AM.
Drink up me heartys,yo ho!
Kate
All the well wishes and Insight have been wonderful
I am going to try to see what I can do on my end to help us work things out. . .as I do miss them a whole lot! I am just uncertain that even though I choose to change that she will refuse to change what she need to in order for our relationship to be healthy.
For all her faults I feel she is equally responsible for the situation we're in now and I feel if she can't hold up her end and realize she needs to change things for our families benefit -- it won't work. She can't just have things her way and expect everything to be back to normal . . . so we'll have to see if our communication can lead to our marriage working out. At this time, I am doubtful for just as Jacie is a part of me , her novels are a big part of her and to ask her to give that up for the sake of our family is going to be a BIG task!
ONly time will tell . . .at least she's still talking to me -- that is a start but when asked to change how will she react?
Its a day to day battle. . .I'll be ok . . . Jacie will be fine!!
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
Only one problem. They're her children too. And guess who won't be shown any mercy if she drags the cd-ing out in divorce court?
Verbal abuse is almost as bad as physical abuse.
Come on, that sounds like you're making an excuse.Dressing seems to fill the void of having a feminine presence in my life something my wife hasn't given me in many years.
You've accepted that between you there is a torrent of hard work being parents to four children ( one with special needs ) and a lifestyle that needs addressing. I,m not surprised things have come to a head . All in all like I previously typed I think you both need to bridge that communication divide that has left you both uncertain of youre futures . Crossdressing may have been the icing on the cake , it could have easily been alcohol , drugs , gambling , but I think the bigger picture is you both probably need a little time to cool down , take a step back and then try to discover why you became a partnership in the first place . Find it , nurture it , fight for it to blossom and go from there . In todays society its all to easy to slip into a rut , then boom , we explode . I also consider in such times we become angst , angry , fearful , the fight or flight response engages and we simply cannot take it anymore . A trained guidance specialist will help you in matters of communication and reconciliation should you wish to pursue it . Its up to you . i keep reading the word divorce . You gotta ask yourself is that what you really want ?
On the other hand , between you can you both decide if the fights worth it , or walk away ..seperatley ? Remember , if this is the case only the lawyer will win . So its up to you both and I will say this ... if you dont try at least once , you,ll never know if it was worth it ..............I hope you can find the strength to chase after the family you,ve both made .
For now its time to cool right down , and then try to at least talk . I,m certain youre wife is feeling very much alone and frightened right now . Just like you are . I also think if the chance arises to talk openly put the dressing to bed for awhile and concentrate on what really matters - youre children.
Good luck.
Last edited by Shelly67; 03-08-2009 at 12:02 PM.
I hope it works out for you. Verbal yelling, screaming etc. are abuse. At least you realize it. One thought about the house and her writing, it sounds like a stay-at-home type job but she is still expected to do housework. If the two of you get back together, think of her as working a full-time job as if not in the house and then figure out the housework. If I worked from home, I would need a separate office room that I walked into and the rest of the house was off-limits or I would never accomplish much.
Brian
Your life is a mess rite now! An experienced proffesional can help u organise your thots and priorities! Hopefully, u can get your SO in for help also.
It sounds like the only way for your marriage is to survive, is for u both to get counseling, and make compromises willingly. This DOES happen on rare occassions. But, if nothing else, counseling will help u survive thru your separation, and/or divorce. It HELPED ME A LOT! Thru mine!
As always, your marital problems r NOT caused by your CDing. It is simply the "icing on the cake", of your problems!
Hope u can find your way thru this ASAP!
U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.
Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!
Many of us have been here before. It doesn't make it any easier to hear or to cope knowing others have gone before you. We all wish you our support and prayers for comfort.
Now that this has happened, you need to get perspective. Come up with a plan of action not sitting on the couch crying. So I have come up with a list of priorties which might you get focus and you back on the saddle.
1) Find your kids and let them know you are still their father and comfort them.
2) Work out some sort of peaceful dissolution of your marriage. Especially since your wife has chosen to run off, it is probably causing a lot of emotional chaos for your kids.
3) Start finding a job
4) Clean up the apartment
I know the list sounds kind of cold, but a list helps you regain control over your life. I hope this helps in some way as it was sent with love. When I went through my downward spiral, I never made a list and as a result blew around in the wind for way too long. Hopefully you will avoid that end and get yourself back on track much sooner.
Good Luck
Michelle
I agree 100% with cancelling or putting blocks on the CC's, especially now that you've lost your income. If it wasn't for the kids involded I'd say this was a blessing in disquise, and thats considering her side of the story as well, (as you told it) she's not happy in the relationship either with alot of things.
As for yelling at the kids, I assume you came home and tell them help out here, clean up this mess, your old enough to know how to take care of yourselves. Nothing wrong with that, all kids get yelled at, just keep it within reason and not hurtfull comments.
Leaving the way she did as one said, was very immature and cold, a text message Hope all works out for you, especially for the kids sake.
You may want to really think if this does go to divorce court trying to get sole custody, that or pay pay pay the rest of your life as you live in a one room shanty to afford the support. These courts go way overboard sometimes with that issue, I've seen the aftermath of guys living in their car to survive afterwards and make those payments.
Jacie, I wish I had some words of advice to help, but I don't. I have never experienced what you have and can't fathom what you are going through. I will, however, keep you in my prayers.
At least she left you some stuff. When my first wife left me I came home one day to a completely empty house except for my personal belongings. She took every fork and even the toilet paper. There was no note and I didn't know where my kids were. She had maxed out the credit cards and emptied the bank accounts. It turned out that she had stopped paying the bills and was pocketing the money. What followed was divorce, child custody battle, bankruptcy, foreclosure, etc. It was one of the best things that ever happened to me. BTW, CDing had nothing to do with our break-up. She just needed to get in touch with her inner meth addict.
A year or so later I had a nice new house and new furniture, custody of our daughters, no bills, and a nut-job of a new girlfriend (OK, you can't win them all!) and it's only gotten better since that day 19 years ago. I wouldn't trade the worst part of my life today for the best part of my life then. I know it seems bleak now but keep an open mind to the possibility that this could ultimately turn out wonderful for you. But first there will be some pain.
Wow Jacie, what an eye opener! Every one of us has a different story and circumstances to deal with & you don't know someone else's until it's brought out on the pages here.
Well basicly what you should do is ask yourself one question , after you told her and she "accepted" you , did you see this coming? I mean if you didn't (which is kind of obvious to spot what someones feeling , from the way they treat you / atmosphere at home) then I don't think it's your fault , because if she really did not like , she should've told you to stop , but she didn't , I don't want to be an ass here , but I think there is something else that doesnt have to do with you , maybe she was planning something , im not sure , anyways i'm really sorry about what happend I hope things work out for you. stay strong sis.
Oh, Jacie, I am so sorry to hear what happened and how. That really hurts. Life does go on and it will with or without her. The children are the ones you need to protect, do not bring them into the fray that may occur down the road. Stay involved in their lives as much as possible and unless they already know I would not bring up Jacie or expose them to her until they are much older and can understand. With any new relationship you develop I would let them know early in the relationship, before it becomes too serious, about Jacie and accept what ever consequence it may cause. This from someone who has been there. My heart goes out to you don't hesitate if you need someone's shoulders to cry on or just to vent.
Jacie, i have no advice that i can give. You probably dont need that anyway. I hope it all works out for you in a satisfactory manner.
Jolan Tru,
What a terrible story. I am really sorry to hear that. Just one more proof that life sucks. I hope you will overcome this as soon as possible.
Jacie, I can only imagine how painful this is for you, and how badly you would like it to all go away. Life doesn't seem to work that way and it is best to look forward and not back. I would recommend couples counselling and a complete airing of issues by both of you. If it works great, it not you tried. As for your Mom, she is most likely upset about the split and looking for ways to restore your marriage if for no other reason than her grandchildren. Just be thoughtful and try not to be angry. It will work out.
This should be a wakeup call, for all those who argue that honesty is the best policy. I have seen many dozens of stories like this, in the several years I have been on this forum. As I've posted many times, for every wife or SO who is "OK with it", a dozen are not. And for all of you who think your wives or SOs are OK with it, they may be just biding their time, until they can sort things out, and make other plans. Women rarely announce their plans in advance, like "Well I'll be leaving in a few months or years, as soon as I can find a better deal". They usually leave first, and let you know, after they are safely gone! And all those who advocate "coming out" and "honesty is the best policy", are strangely quiet on threads like this one.