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Thread: OMG my wife left me!

  1. #76
    formerly Jacie2b Jacquilynne's Avatar
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    Julie,

    thanks for the great insight I do appreciate it a bunch. . . I just feel terribly responsible for my role in her leaving
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  2. #77
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    Just so you know, this transplanted Carolina Girl (Spartanburg born, Greer Raised) has you in her thoughts and prayers. It's a terrible thing that has happened.
    Other than the kids and being married, something similar happened to me a few years ago. My last fiancee left me, stole a ton of my stuff, including pets, and claimed it was all because of my dressing. She also wasn't blameless in the troubles in our relationship. She called me while I was at work to say she was staying with a friend a few days, and when it came time to come home, she never did, worried me sick until I found out where she was. She then tried to tell me she wanted to talk about everything the next day when I got home from work. When I did get home the next day, she wasn't there, nor was a lot of my stuff. Though we communicated a few times over the next few days, we never saw each other again. I look back at it now as a blessing and wouldn't have changed anything, except maybe I should have ended it sooner like I had thought about several times, but even that I wonder if I'd change.

  3. #78
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jacie2b View Post
    I just feel terribly responsible for my role in her leaving
    You absolutely have a role in her leaving. Else, she wouldn't have left. That doesn't mean all the problems are on your side.

    When something very bad happens, it's important to step back and try to figure out what went wrong so you don't do it again. In microcasm, this is how you learn to ride a bike. You crash, you kinda figure out why you crashed, and you try again. If you didn't figure it out quite right, you'll crash again...and again...and again until you get it right

    In situations such as this, figuring out what went wrong can give you the basis for how to build back what's been knocked down.

    I'm no marriage counselor, but it appears to me a starting point is figuring out what went wrong, and trying to build an environment that your wife wants to live in. That doesn't mean you have to give up on everything you are to do that.

  4. #79
    Silver Member linnea's Avatar
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    I'm so sorry to read about your situation. It's very, very sad. I wish that I could help.
    warmly, Linnea

  5. #80
    Senior Member carolinoakland's Avatar
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    Ok,first off. Stop. Breathe. You are a decent human being and don't deserve to be mistreated. And you don't deserve this as the price of being you. It hurts to see you write that the hurt, and anger is deserved for not being the person she thought you where. You don't. And step back and notice that everone, the wife, the mom, talk about this in terms of what it's doing to 'them', and destroying 'their' lives. I think a little of what the mom is about is the love any parent would have being confronted with a choice a child has made knowing that it will be hard and painful, and no parent wants that. To see or know their child is going to suffer. And even with all this... you've never been happier in your skin have you? I remeber once when I realized that at long last I WAS happy, and that if the price of that happiness was that I would be alone.... then it was worth it, happy can trump anything. Miserable is suicide on the instalment plan. I think that you should change your screen name from jacie2b to jacieIS. add the new last name.... happy. A little more truth in advertising. Hearts and hugs in your karma now, it's on it's way. Carol

  6. #81
    :) Post-Op Hippie Chick CharleneT's Avatar
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    Jacie,

    Please do a couple of things. Check with the local community mental health folks, there may be free services available to you. Two: get a lawyer. I'm not saying the marriage is finished, but when you are in the "surprised" position, the shock can cause you to not defend yourself well enough. I know this from having done it years ago. Again, there may be legal services available at no (or very low) charges.

    Good luck to you !

    Charlene

  7. #82
    Member Brina Halloween's Avatar
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    At this point, a couple items need addressed for sure regardless of anything elser.

    Change the locks or have the landlord do it. You could suddenly have an empty house....more so than you realize and including what is yors.

    Make sure your share of the money is safely in ONLY your name.

    I suspect any meetings should have people you trust present at first. You don't need any biased stories to hurt you later.

    Make her play fair, your more likely to get an actual audience. I get the feeling that you will not be given a chance though or be listened to if you do talk to her..

    My at this point from what I'm reading. No first hand experience, just observations of things I've seen.

  8. #83
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    My sympathy as well Jacie

    Hi Everyone:

    As others have said be careful of what U say and to whom.

    If and when she calls U should have a recording devise on your phone.

    Do get some councilling (of record) and as pointed out close any joint CCs, checking accounts, and savings accounts.

    Then be ready to make nice, but be prepared for a full on assault.

    Last remember that U R in a bad place, (wounded so to speak).

    Since she will make CDing an issue remember its not like raping babies, its a "clothing choice" only and not against the law at all any where.

    As far as your mom goes she is only seeing it as a perversion and will not understand anything except her grandkids R gone
    and she may well blame U for it.

    There is one more thing I would advise U of, and that is when one spouse is being irresponsible IE running off with the kids and leaving a text MS

    They will amplify the slightest misdemeanor into deal breaker to justify to themselves what they have done.

    So don't buy in on that and beat yourself up over wanting to play dressup and "prance around".

    While U may have been verbally abusive its a sign of the underlying problem of not communicating each others needs.

    Try to maintain a schedule of meals, shopping, and getting some physical excerscise and rest, U R going to need your health.

    Avoid drugs and alcohol, and remember that because of being distracted by this it puts U at risk of a car wreak, so focus when U drive.

    Good Luck and be well.

  9. #84
    Platinum Member Sheila's Avatar
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    Jacie, I wish i had words of wisdome to help, I haven't, I can only send u an internet and wish you well for the future
    I allow myself to set healthy boundaries ..... to say no to what does not align with my values, to say yes to what does.
    Boundaries assist me to remain healthy, honest and living a life that is true to me

  10. #85
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    this post made me exceptionally sad....

    Carin and I are in the middle of a divorce. 25 years of marriage, seven wonderful children, including two with special needs.

    It would be foolish of me to make any judgements about either you or your wife. I don't know either one of you or your lives. And neither does anyone else here. When I read the *call the cops* and *she kidnapped your children* I get both angry and sad. No one here can make judgments nor should they make suggestions that may very well harm your children emotionally in the long run.

    From my own experience...

    Like yourself, our marriage had lots of *cracks* when I decided we needed to separate. I had made some terrible mistakes and decisions. And yes CDing was a PART of my decison to divorce. IMO we both made mistakes over the course of our marriage. It was hard to not get into the *who did worse*. But really does it matter? If reconciliation were to happen then mistakes, bad decisions, would have to be forgiven. If divorce was the decision then *blame* would not make that any easier.

    One thing I knew was that our children were/are the most important piece of all of this. THEY deserved to be heard and respected. To not do that would be, for both Carin and I, to be bad parents, to be neglectful. Neither one of wanted that.

    Divorce is just painful. For everybody. Even for the one *walking away*. And to the outside world I walked away. Some of that *walking away* was beyond difficult for me to do. I did it, I hope, in the most respectful way I could...for my children, for Carin and for myself. None of it was/is easy. But my divorce needs to be civil. For my children and for *us*, for the family. Financially civil, property civil, respectfully civil.

    There is shock involved with divorce/separation. It is *shocking*. If you can take that *high road* and keep any conversations respectful that would be a good thing.

    My children are somewhat older. This has been painful for all of them. They have talked and been angry. They are still angry some of the time. We do our best to listen and hear what they need to say. They relied on *family*. That family is no more. It is very different. But we are still all *family* to each other.

    I know one thing. I love my children. Their father loves them. And they love us. That love should not be split apart. If you keep in mind *that* whatever you and your wife decide will be OK for your children. And OK for your children should really be all that counts at the end of the day.. IMO.



    Louise.

  11. #86
    Silver Member Annaliese's Avatar
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    Jacie I have read all yours post on this post.

    I think now all you need is a hug.

    Hugs from Annaliese.

  12. #87
    Hopeless Romantic RobynP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Carin's Wife GG View Post
    I know one thing. I love my children. Their father loves them. And they love us. That love should not be split apart. If you keep in mind *that* whatever you and your wife decide will be OK for your children. And OK for your children should really be all that counts at the end of the day.. IMO.

    Louise.
    What Louise is saying about the children is 100% correct. Unfortunately, the children in a divorce suffer a tremendous amount of collateral damage. Sometimes the damage is clearly visible but often it is not. No matter what, the children are impacted by a divorce. Some children cope with it better than others. Sometimes the damage is not evident until the children are grown and in their own relationships.

    My children were older (18 and 15) when my wife and I got a divorce and I thought they were "old enough" to deal with it... I was sadly wrong.

    Robyn P.

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