looking for advise

[confusedmarie]

I am the wife of a crossdresser & I am having a hard time accepting or understanding all of this. My husband says he does it to relieve stress but he can never tell me what stress is in his life. He has alot of pictures of himself dressed. If it is only stress related why all the pictures. Can anyone help me understand all of this. Thank you for your help.

[Lisa Golightly]

Hi Marie, You need to chat with the genetic girls on the site... Don't worry they'll appear at some point soon and make themselves known.

Lisa x

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

Hi Marie. I'm sorry you're having a hard time understanding this. For what it's worth, I've been a crossdresser all my life and spend MOST of my life being confused about what I am. Many of us have similar histories in that respect.

In regards to all the photos and stress relief. I can only share my own feelings on that since crossdressers are as varied as non-crossdressers in their emotions and lives.

I love dressing up like a woman. It does relieve stress in my life. For me, a large part of the stress is being forced to live in a way that is not who I am - in other words, my man-side. Society forces me in to this manly role that I would not have chosen to live as if it were up to me. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my man-side too, but don't care to be locked into it for such long durations. That alone is stressful to me.

Transforming in to Gabrielle relieves all that stress and allows me to relax and feel good in the way I'd choose to be (just looking feminine, not actually having a sex change).

The photos are likely kind of a narcissistic thing. It's not really a bad thing - not to me or my wife, anyway. I love capturing images of Gabrielle because she's what I like to be. I enjoy her and so does my wife. Again - I'm locked in to man-mode so often, the photos are a lot of fun to look through later on... sorry. My alarm just went off and I just ran out of "me-time" for the night. Just not enough hours in the day.

Great article - check it out. It's a very good read, even if not 100% (the way I feel):

http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homep...hytg/anima.htm

Jess found this one a while back. It may help you understand a lot.

Good luck and please be patient in trying to understand your husband. There may be things that he is still discovering about himself. I don't think we every truly, fully understand who we are - it's a learning process and journey we all take in life, cd or not.

[Erica A.]

Hi Marie. I'm no psychologist, but I am a crossdresser with a very understanding wife. May I suggest a little acceptance on your part even though you don't understand it. You may find that there is no understanding it. Even he may not understand it fully, but understands (like me) that it brings joy to his life. Perhaps his stress is directly related to his perception of how you accept him. This is perfectly normal behavior. Just not to everyone. Best of luck to you both.

[Nicki B]

Dysphoria is a term used for unhappiness or discomfort - gender dysphoria, to some degree, is what many (most?) trans people feel. Dressing, at least temporarily, alleviates this stress..

Taking pictures is all about validation - that we can look like the other sex, as opposed to the one we see in the mirror in the morning - it can easily be a part of reducing that stress?

[docrobbysherry]

U don't mention how long your SO has been CDing. THAT could be very important! We dress for DIFFERENT reasons, and/or combinations of these reasons.
To relax, trying to be who we feel we r inside, females in men's bodies, fetish, and to just have fun!

Sometimes, it takes YEARS for US to figure out WHY we dress! ( If THEN). And we also may CHANGE from one reason to another, over time!

So, giving u the answer you're looking for, mite be impossible here. The answer MAY need to come from your SO! Sorry!

[kym]

marie,
I understand where your confusion stems from. I myself have been a crossdresser since around age four from what i can remember and I still don't fully understand why i dress. One thing that helps me relieve stress greatly is having a fiancee that accepts me for who I am and really doesn't care what clothes I am wearing because she loves me and sees me as a human being. You may want to communicate to your husband that you do love him unconditionally and accept him for who he is, not ehat he is. If you want to share that part of his life then let him know that and take it in steps, in other words if you want to give him the support he needs do it at your and his pace within your collective comfort zones. and definitely encourage him to join this forum if he hasn't already.

[TGMarla]

Hello Marie. I don't know if I can help or not. But maybe I can give you some perspective on this. I'm a crossdresser from way back. I'm not sure just why I do it, but it makes me feel good. It is a huge priority in my life, and it takes effort for me to pay attention to my obligations at times because I'd prefer to spend the time crossdressed.

My greatest obligation, though, is being husband to my wife. She comes first. She does not support my crossdressing, and so I do my best to keep it out of her life. I don't dress around her, and I don't keep all my feminine attire where it is plainly visible to her. However, I enjoy wearing women's clothing when I have time to myself.

I am not a transexual person. I will not ever undergo surgery to change genders. There are many among us who choose this option, but the vast majority of us choose not to take this route.

I guess the short story is that other than the fact that I like to crossdress, I'm a regular Joe. I'm just another guy. I'm highly educated, and skilled in my field. I am a good provider, and essentially a good person. I like sports, hate the Lifetime network, and do lots of guy stuff. I fart, pick my nose, scratch in public......uh....never mind!

But I love buying dresses and girl clothes. Like your husband, I like taking pictures of myself fully dressed as a woman. When I do, I wear fake boobies, pantyhose, slips and dresses, high heels....the whole works. I dress to pass as a woman, should I decide to go out anywhere. Most of the time, I just do this in the privacy of my home, and no one ever gets hurt by it.

I sure don't do this to hurt my wife. If she is hurt by it, then I am sad that it is this way to her. I love her, and do not mean to hurt her. But I have done this since I was a boy, and I doubt I'll ever stop. I can't even imagine what it would be like to not do this. Does it relieve stress? Yes, it really does. But that is not the primary reason I do this. The primary reason is that I must, and that it makes me feel good.

When asked by a wife why we do this, please understand that when put on the spot, we very well may hem and haw, and come up with the first excuse we can think of that doesn't paint us as a sissy in front of you. "Gee, honey, it's just to relieve stress!" The real reasons are far more complicated, and very hard to articulate, especially because often we cannot figure out why we do this ourselves. It's hard to explain what you don't know yourself. But these reasons aren't due to mental illness or any such awful things. They are probably very non-threatening and passive reasons like a sense of well-being and completeness.

So try to be strong. He may not be able to explain himself, and he's likely very embarrassed by talking about it to you. Crossdressing is really not something to get too upset about. It's a really bad reason to wreck a relationship, too. Really, all this is probably more amusing that it is awful and horrible. Who knows, you may even come to enjoy it.

Caio!

[Rachel B]

Why not think of it like a hobby....If your man was a footie player would you be so upset or confused? Would you even be bothering to try and understand it? I love footie, but I dont think I could explain why to anyone if I were asked to justify it!

If your SO is coming to terms with things, then just try and be supportive, coming on here is a good start, but beware the many pitfalls that exist here. One persons truth is anothers folly, and only you know your situation so dont follow advice unless you know it applies to you.

Pics mean different things to different people, I use them as a guide to seeing what I need to alter or change/do differently. Initially I used them as a kind of gauge to see how/what I looked like. Now I take pics to see if an outfit looks as good as I imagine it to, or if I look like a pig in a poke.

Remember, sometimes we only feel we need to understand because that's what we're expected to do. So what if you dont understand it. I dont attempt to understand how/why my tv works, as long as it does what I want it to do then I'm happy!

Might not be the psychology answer you were after but hey, life is too short for worrying about such things - right?

[Areyan]

I am the wife of a crossdresser & I am having a hard time accepting or understanding all of this. My husband says he does it to relieve stress but he can never tell me what stress is in his life. He has alot of pictures of himself dressed. If it is only stress related why all the pictures. Can anyone help me understand all of this. Thank you for your help.

Hi there Marie First of all, welcome to the site! The fact that you are here and want to understand your man speaks volumes about how much you love him and are trying. I'm another GG who found acceptance hard and not easy to understand at first. You've come to the right place. First of all, your husband is not doing this to hurt you at all. I'm sure you have a wonderful relationship with him to be here and wanting to find out more. There is a lot more to his crossdressing than stress relief, but perhaps it is hard for him to explain it all to you at this point. I understand you will have a lot of questions for him and I strongly recommend you read the sticky posts in the Loved Ones forums that MarlaGG has posted about telling your wife/SO and now I like it, now I don't... both of these posts helped me greatly to understand what accepting and coming to terms with my partner's CDing is.

Crossdressing is a part of who he is and I don't know how much he knows about giving you information but I can understand seeing his pictures may have been a little distressing for you at first. I only hope he has told you all he can. None of this changes how he feels about you as a woman or as his wife. I am not sure how long you have known about his CDing or when he came out to you but it really does mean a lot that he has. He trusts you implicitly and wants you to know all of who he is and I can only imagine he is dying for your acceptance. Coming out to a partner about being a crossdresser or being transgendered does mean a lot to our partners as it is an essential part of who they are. This does not normally mean he is gay or wanting to become a woman if you are having fears about that. Only he can tell you exactly how much his CDing means to him or how deep his "femme" feelings are. I have learned over time and with a LOT of communication (tears, questions, anger, hurt, more talking, some more tears and eventually coming to understand what CDing is for my man) that he is still my husband underneath all the clothing and makeup and that he loves me very very much. I want you to know that if you really want to understand and come to acceptance of him you can, and you will! It won't happen immediately especially if you are scared right now, but please know that if you two have a really loving relationship it is possible that you may come to accept and even join in activities with him while he is dressed! I'm not lying hun, this may be a long road for you both but it most definitely could be a sweet one too.

And I wanted to also say thanks so much gurls for your advice too, it's so wonderful to see you all here trying to help Marie understand this.

Don't leave us too soon, Marie, stick around and if you can get your 10 posts in soon you can come over to the F.A.B. forums for private discussion with other wives/SOs about it all.



Akira

[Shari]

Hi Marie

I can no more tell you what caused this in me than explain the meaning of life.

For me though, it's a sexual stimulant, a fetish if you will. I do have pictures and they fuel my fetish.

Stress relief? I've always questioned that when anyone says dressing provides that for them. It just isn't so, at least not for me. People tend to label so many things they do as "stress relief" for lack of a better word or phrase.

I'm not afraid to say I derive personal gratification from dressing.
Maybe he just isn't giving it all up to you. It may be that simple.
After all, isn't an orgasm one of the greatest inventions ever?

I've been out to my wife for over a year and she has seen me dressed and we have had sex while I'm dressed.
It has ebbed off some from where it first began.
Will your husband's desires run their course? Maybe, but probably only to a small degree.
This just doesn't go away and there's no "cure" for it.

Hang in there, and talk to each other.
Don't allow the communication level to deteriorate.

[Gisele]

Sometimes just being a crossdresser is plenty enough to stress you out. It's like an addiction in it self. Having the urge to dress up is a tad stressing even if you have no stress in your life. That could be the only stress that he is talking about to you.

As for the pictures we always strive to look like a real GG. Lord knows we always see a guy in a dress when we look at ourself in a photo.

I have taken over 100 photos in a day and to only keep a chosen few out of them that I realy like. We just need some validation in our look.

My GF knows and is 100% supportive of me but I am still a tad camera shy in front of her and we have been dating for 7 years and has known for all 7 about me.

All I can say is to sit down and have a long heart to heart and know that he doesn't really understand why he does this himself. It's just something we are born with or something we just end up doing. There is no real reason. I think if they found a reason why we do they could come up with a fix for us. Not that I (or most of us) would take it because I like who I am even though I am still not perfect.

All my best to you, Gisele

[valenstein]

Hi Marie,

I think many of us still don't know why we do it, and it's a hard thing to explain or talk about when you don't have an answer. Stress does make me want to do it more though.
Guys are taught to always be tough and to never show their feelings and bottling that up over your whole life creates a stress that just won't go away. We've been told as boys that it's wrong to like something that a girl might like, but never given any reason why. There's a lot of guilt around it, that guilt creates stress, which only makes us want to do it more.

The photos? Part of it is seeing the realization of something you do that makes you happy. Many of us have limited time when we can dress up and it's an easy way to live that moment again. Some of it is for our own vanity. Most men's clothes don't make me feel good about myself, again, no real good reason why, they just don't. It's possible the photos are a sexual thrill, but it's not the case for everyone (and neither good or bad). At one time it was only a sexual thing to me, but less and less as I get comfortable with what makes me happy.

It's still tough for me to talk about it with my gf, I'm afraid that one hair I plucked might be the last straw. I know now that's not the case, but there's so much guilt about it and having to keep quiet about it and hear over and over what most people think of it, not feeling like we can defend ourselves without it ruining our life. There are times when I feel like my gf would not be in the mood for me to talk about it, I never know when to bring it up.

My advice? I wish she would ask me simple questions when she does want to talk about it, but understand that I may not have the answer at that second, that it might help if I could write it down for her if I need to. Reinforce that you are not ashamed of him and still love him, and want to understand. There are other things I could suggest but don't know your situation well enough, so I hope you'll visit here more often. The fact that you are here asking questions shows you do really love him, and it is very much appreciated.

[JoAnne Wheeler]

My spouse and I have asked the same questions - will have been married 38

years tomorrow - she discovered my dressing during the first year of our

marriage - 38 years ago, there was no internet and very, very little

information out there - now there is

When my Spouse me why I want or need to dress, it becomes very difficult

to explain - none of the so-called experts know - but in my opinion, we are

born that way - we did not ask to be crossdressers - we did not wake up one

day and announce to the world, "I think I'll be a crossdresser". Believe me,

no one would would want to be burdened with the attending baggage that

we have to deal with and live with every day, including, but not limited to

the following:

1) guilt

2) shame

3) secrecy

4) embarrassment

5) depression (severe) and anxiety

6) loneliness

7) lack of acceptance by everyone

8) being scared of letting our defenses down - due to all of the above

We don't know why, but we do know that we HAVE TO - the desire/urge to

let our feminine nature that is deep inside HAS to come out - if it doesn't,

we become so Depressed that we can become suicidal (I have)

Your husband is a man - he is a man - but he has to deal with this inner part

of himself that he was born with that requires that he have time to express

this inner part which REQUIRES that this feminine part of him be allowed to

be expressed and the way that we express it is to crossdress - this does not

mean that he is gay or wants to become a woman - the overwhelming

majority want to remain as a heterosexual man. But he finds that he can't

talk about it because one he doesn't really understand why this has happened

to him and also bcause because he is scared to death that he might loose

you. He loves you and needs you to love him, all of him, all that he was born

with. Does this help any ?

JoAnne Wheeler

[trisha59]

Post # 8 by TGMarla Sums it up pretty well.

[sometimes_miss]

Rachel wrote: Why not think of it as a hobby?

Because when you try to categorize crossdressing as a hobby, you're basically saying that you can just stop and simply take up some other hobby. For the very vast majority of crossdressers, this simply isn't possible. There is no activity that you can do that will make you lose your desire to crossdress. Yes, you can 'keep busy', but the desire to crossdress will always linger in the background. When you tell someone's SO that it's a 'hobby', you give her the wrong information.

For me, I always feel like I'm in the wrong clothes. Every waking moment of every day, there's the very slight uneasy feeling that I should be wearing a dress, skirt or something pretty, that I should have long, pretty hair, and that feeling never goes away. So, I'm guessing there are other men who go through the exact same thing. When I don't 'dress up', the amount of stress related to suppressing the desire to crossdress gradually increases over time until I have trouble focusing on any other tasks. The length of time that takes varies with the amount of stress generated by other outside events. Stress at work, stress by family, illness, then add the constant subtle desire to crossdress and it quickly can become overwhelming, and I may feel the need to crossdress daily. Go on vacation on my own, taking long rides, I can do without crossdressing for weeks.

Your husband may be experiencing similar things. Ask him, encourage him to talk. Let him 'vent' when he's ready, but be prepared for the floodgates to open when you encourage him to talk about it.

For Katie, you can add another reason for crossdressing which wasn't mentioned. Conditioning. Throughout my childhood, I was continuously told that god made a mistake, and that I was supposed to be a girl. I was encouraged to wear girls clothing very often, usually daily. The only person who didn't beat me also was encouraging me to dress and act like his girlfriend. He was also the only source of affection for me through my entire childhood. Other family incidents contributed to the concept that perhaps he was right, that me being a boy was a mistake. Add to that, that the female clothing offered fit me perfectly, and you have a very good way of making a little boy believe that he is supposed to be wearing girl clothing. Now continue that into early adolescence, and it's very possible that the partial self identification as female may not be reversible. Now add to that a natural heterosexuality, and you wind up with a straight male who constantly feels like he should be dressed, and act, like a female. Try fighting that feeling every waking moment, of not expressing any feminine mannerisms or behavior, EVER; now that's stress.

None of this makes any sense to a normal straight female; you probably can't imagine what we go through. Remember, it's not something any guy would choose. It's just something that happened to us, somehow, and it's something we learn to live with. It doesn't affect our feelings for you. And, we hope it won't change your feelings for us.

Try to be good to your husband, Marie. He's tried to do the best to be good to you.

[shaunamac]

Hi there Marie and welcome, This can be difficult to deal with for you.
I've been cross dressing for 20 years now since my mid 30's. It has
cost me my marriage though it needn't have. So many times i asked
my wife to try some sexy clothes and dresses but she wouldn't saying
that I was just into the clothes and not her, which I considered not true
as she looked much better in them than I did [or do!!] So much for that anyway.
If you can find it in you to be as supporting and accepting, as possible, of your now
two husbands, then I think you'll find the return in love and appreciation
from him to be 100 fold. For myself I find everything people here have said
to be applicable in some degree, I get a buzz from it, similar in many ways
to having a drink or a toke, but it's all self generated by the release
of nice chemicals in the brain. I love it and am aware that addiction can be a
problem. I have just recently been sharing with a genetic girl friend who
enjoys both mes and am finding so much love and acceptance through that
and in fact less of an urge to dress because of the new balance in my life.
Good luck and best wishes to all three of you!

[DonnaT]

You might find some interesting information here http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd/menu.htm

Being transgendered (a crossdresser, for example) is something we (most of us) were born with, apparently.

At some point in our lives, either as kids, teens or adults we discover we have this urge to cross dress. It just pops up out of nowhere.

Why? is a mystery we may never find an answer to. Most likely it is genetic and lays dormant until awakened by some event. Like being born right handed or left handed, we don't discover what hand is the most dominant for a few years.

It is not a new phenomena, and has been around for thousands of years, and can be found in even the most remote areas of human life.

Native Americans referred to the transgendered as two-spirits. Having the characteristics of both men and women. It wasn't something learned from porn, etc. This was something that they understood without book learning, and accepted it as a way of life.

And it is quite rare to find anyone who is able to stop cross dressing if they are transgendered (dual gendered).

As for stress relief, I hear that all the time. I wouldn't know, as I'm under no stress. However, when I do dress I feel more relaxed.

Just imagine, a person who is transgendered (dual gendered) has both a male and female part. Two-spirits. Imagine the female part fighting to be heard, and having a tug of war with the male part. Such a fight might just be internally stressful, and temporarily giving into that female part of their gender would then relieve the stress, be more relaxing, more right.

[Rachel B]

Why not think of it like a hobby....If your man was a footie player would you be so upset or confused? Would you even be bothering to try and understand it? I love footie, but I dont think I could explain why to anyone if I were asked to justify it!

The above was meant to be an explanation as to how people tend to question things that shouldnt really ever be questioned, or as in many cases here, questions that dont have an answer!

This is exactly the reason as to why I mentioned in my previous post the following: "If your SO is coming to terms with things, then just try and be supportive, coming on here is a good start, but beware the many pitfalls that exist here. One persons truth is anothers folly, and only you know your situation so dont follow advice unless you know it applies to you."

I try not to give advice, I only try and look at things from a different perspective and speak from that point of view.

Too many people fret about the strangest and silliest of things. It is not for me to say they are right or wrong, merely that I think it is a complete waste of time. But if that is how people want to live there lives then that is their choice.....

I prefer to be positive about things........Just thought I'd clear that up

Rach,

[Karren H]

Photos are a way to gage how good we look or don't look.... imho... Well it is for me!! It's a crossdressers number 2 accessory!

[confusedmarie]

I appreciate all the responses and your candidness.It is helping me understand my husband more. I have more questions but I am going to digest this info for awhile. I will be back. My husband was the one who suggested me to come to this website & he has been crossdressing since a very yound boy.

[Lainie]

Some of the fun of dressing up os like playing with dolls, that is, assembling a cute outfit & role-playing make-believe.
Except that we are the dolls, so it's more like fashionista or narcissist, depending on your positive or negative judgement.

[PanteeQueen]

There are many reasons an each one of us has our own story. The most important thing I can tell you from my experiences that you ask all the questions that you need, but try your best not to put him on the spot as this might cause him to shut down and not want to talk. Put yourself in his shoes . . . imagine telling him that you really want to be a guy, do guy things (work on cars, work in construction, watch/play/discuss sports, getting dirty, hunt, fish, have a beard and mustache, womanize), wear guy things(more than just clothes if you know what I mean), and how you would want him to take this news. Wow, after I just read this, I know of many GGs who do these very same things (hunt, fish, sports etc.) and we don't think any less of them or are wierded out by them. I guess I picked them cuz they are most associated with guy stuff.

[Tina B.]

Marie, welcome! I know it's a lot to digest, and we really don't have the answer as to why.* Medical science have tried for years to explain it with no real consensus. There seems to be as many reasons as as there are CD'ers.For me if I denied the need to dress, the stress comes from within, not from things outside myself. I have been this way since I was a small child, and I am a Senior citizen now, and it has never changed. The pictures, it's a way to document who I am, plenty of people take pictures of me as a guy, but those of me as a women, no one takes those but me, and now and then I enjoy looking at the old stuff and remember me, of my youth, I guess it is a bit of vanity, but I treasure those old pictures.
If you want to understand your guy, talk, and listen, both of you, and demand honesty, and give the same, love can win out over everything!
Good luck to both of you!!
Tina