Looking for help with my husband

[Miss Lori]

There's a lot going on here so I will try to break it down.

I've been married for almost 5 years, known DH for almost 10. Always known he was a CD.

We are both out of work which has put a huge strain on our marriage.

DH has a drug habit and His father died a month ago and it has been very hard on him.

He says he wants to have other partners, engage in play but not necessarily sex. I am not too happy about this because it could open me up to illness and disease because I am not sure if he would be completely safe about it.

He has a history of anxiety and depression and refuses to see a doctor about it. He is seeing a family counselor but I believe he needs more serious help, like in a hospital and/or rehab setting.

On Monday night he came home from a friend's and he was high as a kite. . Since then, he has locked himself in the 2nd bedroom and has barely come out -- just to bathe yesterday and today. I know he has hardly eaten.

I am at my wit's end with this situation. Anyone deal with addicts who are CDs?

Thanks for listening.

[AllieSF]

This is a serious situation for him and especially for you, your safety and sanity. I would call your local social services and ask for assistance. They may have a service that can help you. It sounds like he may need intervention, which is probably a very complicated process. The most important thing is to ensure your own personal safety. Whether you are on good terms or not with family, friends or whoever, I would make contingency plans to have an escape option to a safe haven. Think about what you would take, etc. If he loses it more, who knows what the drugs may do to him. Good luck and definitely think of yourself first in this situation.

[Miss Lori]

Thanks for your reply. I see you're in the Bay Area, I'm in San Francisco. I do not think I'm in any physical danger, nor do I think I have to do anything rash like lock up my jewelry. I would love to get him into a treatment program but both he and I have no family here and two out of the three guys he socializes with are drug addicts and dealers, so I'm sure we'll get no help from them. His mother does not know he has a drug problem.

A friend of mine in Oakland offered her home to me, she has an inlaw suite she said I'd be welcome to use any time I want, even if I'm just looking for a little sanity.

He keeps on focusing on me accepting him as a CD and allowing him to have this multiple partner situation, but I think this is a ruse for his underlying anxiety, depression and substance abuse. Most of my friends and my sister have urged me to leave, even if it's temporary. But we're in a tough spot with no income coming in. It's like we're stuck in a time warp.

[AllieSF]

Hi Lori,

If you need someone to talk to let me know. Only you know all the details of your situation. . He definitely needs help, which it appears that he does not want now. Get yourself 10 posts here or in other threads and then we can PM (Private Message), if you want. I would guess that the CD side, which can easily become obsessive, complicates all the rest of his issues. But in my opinion, the CD side is not the issue. It is the drug use with all that it entails and can eventually lead to.

Allie

[Sheila]

right now hun I am with Allie, the cding at the moment is a minor issue .. HE needs help whether he likes it or not if his pot habit is escalting into harder drug usage & they will certainly not help with his anxiety/depression issues, in fact only make em worse ... I don't know what the med peeps can do in the USA re enforcing hospitalisation but I am sure there are drug rehab clinics in your area who would gladly give you A) advice & B) support as an addicts partner, please check them out.

When you get your initilal 10 posts in (including your introduction post) you can then apply to join us GG's in the FAB forum (Female At Birth), in the meantime sending you

[Erica A.]

Lori, the fact that he's a CD is at best secondary. There are so many more important issues going on here. You obviously still love him, but like previously stated, you need to look after yourself first. It dosen't seem that you are important enough to him that he would think of your relationship first. The family counselor is either in the dark about the underlying issues or just a quack as he should recognize all the counseling in the world isn't going to help as long as the rampant drug use exisits. He does need drug rehabilitation, desperately! Not only will this affect his ability to make rational decisions, it's a drain on family finances when you can least afford it. You need to get him some professional rehabilitation help or just get out. Best of luck to you. Keep us posted. -Erica

[JoAnne Wheeler]

Darlin", you need to get him some help ASAP - he needs it - BAD

JoAnne Wheeler

[nvlady]

You probably already know this, but the CD part of him is as much a part of him as his skin color or eye color or hair color(or lack of). The drug use can (and must) be changed. Stopping drugs can only be done by the individual and can actually be quite easy if the person REALLY decides I'm going to do it. The desire for multiple sex partners may simply be the depression he is feeling saying I'm no good, look at all my problems, please leave me because I love you too much to drag you down with me.

[donnapink]

I think the cross dressing is a minor problem wrapped up in a major problem of Drugs and the desire for other sex partners ( there is no such thing as playing sex without sex).
Your husband needs help which must come from professionals. You need to reach out for advise on how to get help for both of you. . The drug desire is strong and stealing from you or risking your health from un-safe sex is of no consequence. I hope you can get help and I will remember you in my prayers. You need help and I hope your family can provide support. God Speed!

[Lorileah]

I am going to more blunt than most here

RUN, run like the wind. Do not pass go. It amazes me that everyone here wants you to get HIM help. He is self destructive and you don't need to go down with him. Protect yourself. Your finances cannot support his drug habit and you worry about unsafe sex how about shared needles?

Does he care? Does he want help? You can agonize over this all you want but if he isn't willing to change you will only get in deeper.

Sorry Hun but he isn't doing you any good. And people on here know I usually push to save a relationship. You know what you need to do. That voice inside you is telling you that you are in danger.

Run. If he truly wants to change and really loves you more than he loves the drugs and taking chances, he will stop and get the help he needs. Then if you want to help him work through these demons you can.

But in the meantime take the next thing smokin' to Oakland

[JulieC]

He says he wants to have other partners, engage in sex play but not necessarily sex. I am not too happy about this because it could open me up to illness and disease because I am not sure if he would be completely safe about it.

... and allowing him to have this multiple partner situation...

Lori, forget the multiple partners thing for now in the very, very least. If there's problems in your marriage, this will only make it FAR worse. Sharing your husband with other people, and him sharing you with others, is a complete recipe for disaster if your marriage has problems. It will fix nothing, and it WILL make things worse.

The only way in which you can do that is if you already have a very stable relationship, absolutely trust each other, and love each other very, very much. If you have that, then it can be a major plus for a marriage (70% of swingers report significant benefits to their marriage in swinging).

The drug use is problematic. I'd get it out of your lives as much as you can, or at least reduce it to pot.

The CDing is separate from both issues, though at times it might seem like it's all tied in. It isn't.

In my opinion, you and he need professional help to pull yourself through this.

[DonnaT]

We are both out of work

But we're in a tough spot with no income coming in. It's like we're stuck in a time warp.

Where does he get the money to support his drug habit?

If you are on unemployment, it would seem to me that the financial aid/benefits would be barely enough to cover your living expenses. But I don't know the whole story of your living situation.

His seeking other partners, for whatever type of sexual fantasy he may have, is outside the bounds of marriage.

Taking all that into consideration, I suggest taking your friend up on a temporary move. If your DH still loves you, he'll then seek help to rid himself of his drug problems. This is something he has to choose to do, not something you can make him do. Your moving out may be the tipping point he needs to open his eyes to the damage he is doing to your marriage.

Tuff love can be hard, but may be the best for you both.

Your moving out will be no worse for you. You'll have a place to live. You are already out of work. Seems like all you have to keep you home is your DH, but his antics are stressful on you and the marriage.

Staying with him, when he shows no signs of even wanting to change, is not going to get you out of the tuff spot you've found yourself in.

[Kelsy]

Lori,

You deserve boundries and the situation does not sound good. He needs help and you need support. I hope you get get both. sorry to hear of your troubles. please be safe

Kelsy

[Hope]

Wow there is a lot going on here, and almost none of it is CD related. In fact, none of it is CD related.

Let me say this from the outset - I come from a long line of alcoholics, and I understand addiction pretty well.

You are not helping him right now. You are what we call an enabler. You are enabling him to get high, to be pretty horrifically irresponsible, and to avoid treatment for his depression and who knows what else.

With that in mind, I usually don't care how much pot a person smokes, so long as they do not injure others in the process, and they can maintain their various responsibilities to work / family / friends etc. Your husband is not doing that. If one of you is out of work (much less both of you) is out of work, the bong should be the last thing either of you are into. Finding work and preserving your savings should be the focus of your energy, especially in this economy. Clearly that is not his priority.

Let me say this again - drugs Serious problem. Don't understate it. And this is one of those situations where if you think he might be doing something - he has been doing it for a while, you are just beginning to notice.

I would also pretty much assume that he has been having sex with others... I of course don't know that - but I would bet good money that he has been already "playing" with others and he is now trying to get your approval.

Don't let him BS you with the whole "I have depression" "my father died" thing. If he has a legitimate problem with depression, there legitimate therapies for that - drugs and who knows what else administered on his own are not legitimate therapies. Not even close. He is simply using that as an excuse so you won't bother him about lighting up.

If I were you, I would take my friend up on her offer to use her mother-in-law apartment, and start divorce proceedings. Move cash out of a joint account, get anything valuable out of his hands. jewelry, computers, pictures... whatever it is that you would like to see again. Whatever it is you don't want going up his nose. I certainly wouldn't have sex with him again.

You can't force him into treatment, he has to go either on his own, or under a court order. But you can protect yourself, and you don't have to enable to problem to get worse.

I am in complete agreement with LoriLeah on this one. Not only do you need to protect yourself, but you need to stop enabling him to hurt himself.

[Alice B]

This is beyond serious and you are in danger. Get him help immediately or get out before it is too late. Pot is one thing (which you can not afford), but meth is extremely addictive, costly and leads quickly to crime to pay for the habit. I wish you heart felt luck.

[DonnaT]

If I were you, I would . . . start divorce proceedings. .

A tad extreme, IMHO. Divorce should be a last resort when in a bad situation.

[pamela_a]

I think Loriliah said it best..Run, run like the wind.. don't stop and don't look back. You are, at best, in an unsafe situation. Take care of yourself first and get out of there. Depending on what's happening the police may be able to place him on a 72 hour hold for medical evaluation if it's serious enough. Even if you don't involve law enforcement you need to get yourself to a safe place now.

-Paula-

[Karren H]

I am going to more blunt than most here

RUN, run like the wind. Do not pass go. It amazes me that everyone here wants you to get HIM help. He is self destructive and you don't need to go down with him. Protect yourself. Your finances cannot support his drug habit and you worry about unsafe sex how about shared needles?

Does he care? Does he want help? You can agonize over this all you want but if he isn't willing to change you will only get in deeper.

Sorry Hun but he isn't doing you any good. And people on here know I usually push to save a relationship. You know what you need to do. That voice inside you is telling you that you are in danger.

Run. If he truly wants to change and really loves you more than he loves the drugs and taking chances, he will stop and get the help he needs. Then if you want to help him work through these demons you can.

But in the meantime take the next thing smokin' to Oakland

drug addiction is really bad compared to crossdressing....

[Miss Lori]

All: thanks for all your different viewpoints.

We are going to couples counseling but he is claiming that this marriage will only work if I accept him for who he is and the fact that he wants multiple partners. He says that when he first came out of the closet he was proud and he's no longer proud. He is blaming a lot of this on me. He says he can't feel comfortable cross dressing in our apartment.

The funny part is that he is not very social and does not meet people easily. In fact, I was his second girlfriend in his life (I met him when he was around 33). So he is socially stunted in that way. Because of that I do not believe he's been with other people. He spends most of his free time watching fetish porn on his computer and DVD player.

I am shocked and mortified that he drove his car high on Monday night, as his dad died as a result of being hit by a car (and the driver wasn't even under the influence).

My therapist has advised me to disengage as much as possible. Don't check up on him, don't ask where he is going, don't ask him to call me when he's out, etc. Don't make plans that include him. She says I must do this for my own sanity. It's too bad that he won't willingly go to a program now because he's not working and he has the time.

I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses but I need to find employment again before I move out even to a temporary place. Both he and I make excellent salaries when we're working so it won't be an issue then.

We have always kept our finances separate, with the exception of our retirement accounts, so there's not a lot of that to worry about.

I will be very interested to hear what the couples counselor has to say on Saturday. He's losing us as clients, that's for sure.

[Brina Halloween]

marriage = commitment between TWO people. It does not include multiple partners in the definition to my knowledge.

Drug habit? Unemployment? My sister lived with a guy for like 5 years...then she came home to almost everything gone. Drugs.

I hope you counseling does something. As stated above, you are an enabler (He is still there) If your trying to change him,,,read some books. Even Reader's Digest has had articles about that. You can't change him, only he can.

From what I read, you have a disaster. He is using his CD habit as yet another enabler excuse.

I would suggest using that in-law suite WITHOUT him until he decides that he wants to change and marriage is actually to you.

My .

[Miss Lori]

marriage = commitment between TWO people. It does not include multiple partners in the definition to my knowledge.

When we were dating, and first married, it was my understanding that other people involved him socializing with other CDs. I must have been naive to think that it wasn't just hanging out on the couch drinking glasses of wine (that's seriously what I pictured).

I truly appreciate everyone's concern for me, and my friend has kindly offered up her in law suite to me for any length of time I want.

I will have to think about what I want to do. I would like to see what happens at our session on Saturday with the couples counselor.

I hope that everyone won't worry too much about me, I do not feel like I'm in physical danger. Just danger of a broken heart.

Someone suggested the book Codependent No More to me, has anyone read it?

[Carin]

Someone suggested the book Codependent No More to me, has anyone read it?

I was going to recommend this book to you, so I will endorse the recommendation. I have a copy permanently sitting on my coffee table. Start reading it today. In the same vein, I also recommend that you find an Al-Anon meeting and start going. I started going about 8 months ago. It helped me tremendously. Even just to go and grab a handful of the free pamphlets it worth it (find the detachment one).

The drug use, the need for multiple partners, the blaming stuff on you, etc., these are symptoms of a fundamental core (aka hole) that he is trying to fill. Dealing with any particular one is plugging a leaky dam. Until one or more of AA, NA, SLAA and even Al-Anon are a permanent part of his life, expect more of the same. You need the tools to help you to take care of your self, and co-incidentally taking care of yourself is also the best thing you can do for him.

It seems that you have supportive people around you. That is good. I'm in the Bay area too, if you need another understanding listening ear.

[Miss Lori]

I was going to recommend this book to you, so I will endorse the recommendation. I have a copy permanently sitting on my coffee table. Start reading it today. In the same vein, I also recommend that you find an Al-Anon meeting and start going.

The drug use, the need for multiple partners, the blaming stuff on you, etc., these are symptoms of a fundamental core (aka hole) that he is trying to fill.

I'm in the Bay area too, if you need another understanding listening ear.

Thanks for the input -- I did go to some Al-Anon meetings when DH was grappling with drinking too much. He stopped drinking 6 months ago, but has not done anything about his drug use. In all honesty I didn't get much from the Al-Anon meetings because it seemed like everyone was dealing with alcohol and not any drug usage. And of course no CD.

And I do appreciate knowing there are people in my area who are willing to lend their ear. Since we have no family out here and he truly has no close friends who aren't drug users, I don't know how anyone is ever going to get through to him ... and yes I know it has to be his decision.

It just really sucks to know that someone you really love is putting an addiction ahead of your relationship -- and it is getting destroyed.

[Nicki B]

He keeps on focusing on me accepting him as a CD and allowing him to have this multiple partner situation, but I think this is a ruse for his underlying anxiety, depression and substance abuse.

The drug use, the need for multiple partners, the blaming stuff on you, etc., these are symptoms of a fundamental core (aka hole) that he is trying to fill. Dealing with any particular one is plugging a leaky dam. Until one or more of AA, NA, SLAA and even Al-Anon are a permanent part of his life, expect more of the same.

The drug use, the partners are all symptomatic that something major is lacking in his view of himself? Until the substance abuse is tackled, it's only going to get worse - getting a job won't solve it (in fact getting and holding down a job is highly unlikely now, anyway)?

The only way he'll change is if he reaches rock bottom and realises, for himself, that he has to. Supporting him in any way is only prolonging the agony - both his and yours?

I think you need to walk away - at least, for now? Certainly don't take any responsibility for any of this?

[loren]

Lori, this isnt good.Do You and your husband have children?, pleaseif so leave right now with them!.
Crossdressing definitely isnt the issue right now ,the drug addiction is foremost.
You obviously love him very much or you wouldnt be sticking this out and putting up with what he,s doing.But what about what you want, and feel, and how you should be treated and respected?
My son had a drug addiction, and as im sure you know with the addiction comes complete selfishness and disregard for others,its all about theyre needs and wants etc.And it can ,and has certainly wreck everyones lives around them, including theyre own.
The one way you can help him right now,AND in that help yourself also is 'tough love'.
Stop caring for his needs and wants right now, he wont stop while he is being given the support even if it is just emotionally.
And i know we do it through love, but sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind, and i think right now you should be doing just that.
He needs help and he needs it right now.Take a step back Lori and start putting in some 'tough love' for both your sakes.Please keep us posted how things are for you.Take Care,Loren x