What do we think we’re doing?

[Ruth]

I ask this in all seriousness because I’ve just finished reading Helen Boyd’s book, “My Husband Betty”. It’s a very well written book but it also makes some sweeping assertions about MtF CDers which were a little upsetting to me – until I thought some more about it.
Ms Boyd is married to a CDer and has collected a lot of interviews with other CDers, but she is still ultimately looking at CDing from the outside.
There is an objective reality to CDing: it’s men dressing in women’s clothes and trying to look like women. But what is really going on when we CD is an internal process.
The crucial factor that defines our CDing is what we think we’re doing when we CD.
I can only speak for myself but I think I’m a man who is liberating and expressing his feminine side in the most direct and concrete way I can think of – but inside I’m still a man. I don’t think I’m a woman trapped in a man’s body. I don’t think I become a woman in some mystical way when I CD. And I don’t want to alter my body with hormones or surgery to resemble a woman’s.
Ms Boyd makes that old joke about what’s the difference between a crossdresser and a transsexual (Answer: about 2 years). But the trouble is, she thinks it’s true. This attitude is fuelled by the accounts of people she knows, and fears about the future of her own husband. There also may be an absurd peer pressure among CDers that makes them feel they have to progress along some kind of line in order to be better CDers.
There are people out in the real world who are not on the slippery slope, as she calls it. Please tell me I’m not alone in wanting to remain a man.

[Babette]

Ruth, you are not alone in the way you feel. I have said it several times on this forum and I will say again. I am happy being who I am. With that said, I respect everyone else's situation and follow the philosophy of "To each, their own."

Maybe her book should have been available 40 or or more years ago. If the difference between a CD and a TS is two years, then I am so far behind that I may never catch up to the expectations of her humor.

Babette

[carhill2mn]

No, you are not alone in wanting to remain a man. I suspect that is the more common feeling among members.
I, too, have read MS Boyd's book. There is a fair amount of history that has happened since she wrote that book. I used to belong to one of her sites but, I no longer do. Quite awhile ago I read that her husband was seriously considering transitioning to full time. You may be able to learn more via the internet.

[Deborah Jane]

There are people out in the real world who are not on the slippery slope, as she calls it. Please tell me I’m not alone in wanting to remain a man.

You aren't the only one who is happy where you are Ruth.

I've reached a point with my crossdressing i'm more than happy to remain at. I'm a guy who enjoys doing guy things, but sometimes i also like to dress as a woman and enjoy the other side of myself.

I've met a GG on here [Sheila] who understands and supports me with who i am, she enjoys both sides of me and is happy with the point i've reached with this.

I'm happy with who i am and so is Sheila

[Bluesman]

You're absolutely not alone. I've been CDing for about 40 years, mostly just lingerie, but periodically dresses, shoes, etc. I enjoy the clothing, sometimes erotically, sometimes not. I like getting in touch with the feminine side of myself, but I don't pretend to be, or act, or want to be a woman. I think there is a HUGE range of CDing, from those who just like wearing panties all the way to transexualism. Whatever your interest or need is, that's who you are. You don't have to fit into any pre-defined category.

[AllieSF]

Yes, Ruth, I agree with your point of view. I am me and no one else is. So no one can really generalize too much about who I am and how a may act, etc. I started all this a little over 2 years ago. Why? I really haven't the foggiest idea! Actually, I do a little. But I m not really concerned with the why, where, how and everything else. I refuse to be caught up in labels and gender identity issues. I do this because I enjoy it. Sometimes I think of all this as a big masquerade party for one, or for me and whoever I may be out with.

I love to go out and interact with others. Do I feel like a woman? I don't really know, what does it feel like? I do feel good when I become Allie, after putting on the wig and that last impotrant ingredient, lipstick. I get a smile on my face and I am ready to face the world (in a nice secure location not too close to home, of course!). I don't want to be a woman, don't think about being a woman. I do wonder what it may be like to have real breasts and a more natural woman's figure. But, no, I do not plan to make any changes, besides getting my ears pierced last Sunday. Will I feel like this in two more years? I do not know and do not rule it out since my current view point maya change drastically over time. I am still coming up the learning curve that a lot of you lovely ladies have already done over the many, many years you have been dressing.

[Shayna2008]

I haven't noticed pressure to follow any sort of line or general process. I have however read that CD'ing is considered a "progressive disorder". I dislike the term disorder, as I see this as a beautiful thing rather than some problem. But I have noticed that I'm progressing. When I was young, I've never dreamed of leaving the room en femme. Now most of my close friends know I CD. And now I'm doing laser hair removal later this month. This is my path though, not a general template to be followed.

I've seen more of a division between those who dress when they can and express themselves as much as their circumstances allow, and those who get surgery and major changes done. It's often referred to as "taking it to a whole new level or realm".

I'm not saying everybody desires to progress and change more and more over time. Everybody has their own reasons, feelings, and such for dressing.

100 TG people = 100 different reasons, ways, degrees, desire, etc of doing things.

[Violetgray]

Of course there are CD'ers who don't want to become women. Keep two things in mind:

1.) While not all cd's turn out to TS's, most TS's start as cd's.

2.) Helen's giving us her perspective. Betty is NOT a cd'er. Betty is a transsexual who hasn't transitioned because of her commitment to her wife.

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

The crucial factor that defines our CDing is what we think we’re doing when we CD.

I'm being ME. I'm being the me that society never allowed me to be. I'm not trying to be a woman, even though the terminology utilized is all in the feminine (as in girl, woman, etc.) I love women. I love how women of a certain style look so much, I want to OWN that look. I want to be it. And why should it be restricted to women only? Why can't I be feminine, and pretty, and sexy and anything else I want to be? The answer is, I can, and I will.

Ms Boyd makes that old joke about what’s the difference between a crossdresser and a transsexual (Answer: about 2 years).

Ok, that IS funny - you have to admit. lol I've got a sense of humor about this kind of thing, regardless of whether or not she thinks it true. One thing is for certain - she does NOT know me at all. No uniform, blanket statement is true for any given group of people. Seriously, does anyone NOT know that in this day and age... well, aside from her?

There also may be an absurd peer pressure among CDers that makes them feel they have to progress along some kind of line in order to be better CDers.

If it's out there, and maybe it is, I don't conform to society's gender rules - I'm sure not going to conform to any cd peer-pressure. I cd for ME. I make the rules in my life. I get told I'm less of a man because of ____, so why do I care if a cd says I'm less of a cd because of ____? Anyone has a problem with my cd-style than too bad for you. Call me what you want. Say what you will. I'm living my life for me, not you. I crossdress because I want to. My style is that of my OWN choosing. My long term goals are MINE to decide, not anyone else. And even though as I write this, I'm still in the closet (aside from my wife), that is for personal safety reasons and because I need to keep my job. On my time, I do as I please, and love who I am.

There are people out in the real world who are not on the slippery slope, as she calls it. Please tell me I’m not alone in wanting to remain a man.

I've got no plans for SRS. I like my man-parts just the way they are, and so does my wife. I feel like I end up saying this in a post at least once or twice a week. lol The body modifications I've made thus far are dietary and exercise-driven. And although I may choose some surgical alterations, they're more for age and imperfection reasons than anything. I think certain cosmetic surgeries would do my man-side some good, too.

[matrioshka]

No, you're not alone. I enjoy being a guy. I never had the feeling that I was a woman trapped in a man's body. Like you, I do this to express a side of my being. Two sides of the coin, if you will

I started to read My Husband Betty, and gave up. It seemed like ground that I had already covered. I can't blame her for feeling scared, though. I disagree on the transition issue. I spent a long time working that out in my mind, and came to the conclusion that it wasn't something I wanted to do. By her estimation, I should have been on the plane to Thailand by now.

Part of the fun in doing this (at least for me) is being able to go from one persona to another. It's the same reason I used to reenact.

Also, I never really gave a tinker's damn what anyone else thought about it. If my reasons for CD'ing don't meet with someone else's approval, it sucks to be them.

Katrina

"Son, I've known some freaks in my time. You're not one of them. You're just a feller with an unusual hobby." -A Queen of Alabama, and good friend.

[justtwosexy]

I truely think you have hit the proberial nail on head JRuth to put it in simplistic terms

[Areyan]

Ruth, you are not alone. My husband is also just a CDer and though he really is discovering a "femme" side to himself and really enjoying it when he's dressed, he too still feels like a man inside and is happy being a man. He is content with dressing at times that are appropriate for us both and we both make time for it, though he enjoys all the benefits of being a man and really doesn't mind his "en homme" days.

I haven't read this book but have seen it mentioned many times in the forums. And I am sure a lot of CDers have thoughts or even fantasies about what it really would be like to be a woman or TS lifestyle. I think many get confused with ideas and can really only know if it's for them after careful consideration (especially if they have not previously expressed any real desire to change their sex). Yes, some do eventually go the TS/SRS/24-7/HRT route but not all CDers have these needs and I think its fine and normal for you if you enjoy your male time too. What is for you is not what is for another.



Akira

[2b.Lauren]

Good thread. I have not read the book so I can not comment from the perspective from which it was written. In response to the others that have posted before me, I am a bit more torn. I have reported that I often feel that female trapped in the male body. I believe these thoughts transitioned as I got older, which prevented me from transitioning. Now I am happy to be both feminine and masculine all at the same time. To express both sides of me when I am able to. I also think it speaks to the level of how much pleasure you get from being the gender you are or in our cases to include the one we also enjoy being. Without going into a great deal of personal discussion, my pleasure at being a man is not that great. My relationship sexually with my wife has been a mess most of our marriage, by no fault of my own, and not connected to my crossdressing. Sex does not make up that full identity but it plays such a huge role in the pleasure we get from being who we are. It just is what it is and she is a refuser of sex.

[Sapphire]

Hi Ruth,

Yes I agree. But from what Violent says it would seem that the author is generalising from her own first hand experience of her partner’s situation. Nonetheless it is very misleading to suggest that all crossdressers incline towards surgical or chemical intervention – this simply is not true. In fact I would go even further and suggest that many crosssdressers enjoy their masculinity even more when they have an outlet to enjoy their feminine side.

[Dragster]

[SIZE=2]Let me sign up here as well. I am very happy to be a male, I love doing loads of male things, I love being married to my wonderful wife, but I also love CDing, making an effort to appear as a sophistocated, sexy woman, and I've no wish to take it any further. I've been this way for 50 years, so there's little chance of it changing now.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=2]Tony[/SIZE]

[CD Susan]

Hi Ruth, you certainly are not alone. I feel the same way as you do in that I have no plans to surgically alter my body. I have been cd'ing for the past 50 years and have never seriously considered GRS. I do feel the need to express my feminine side and do so almost every day. The clothing and feminine things that go with dressing accomplish this for me. The thrill of going out dressed is the ultimate for me and I will never progress beyond this. I still enjoy my guy side at times and feel fortunate to be able to express both sides of myself.

[Nicki B]

Ms Boyd makes that old joke about what’s the difference between a crossdresser and a transsexual (Answer: about 2 years). But the trouble is, she thinks it’s true. This attitude is fuelled by the accounts of people she knows, and fears about the future of her own husband.

Where, anywhere in that book, does Helen say we will all transition? If anything, the exact opposite - but that book was written specifically to help partners of trans people, not CDers? That's why, for many of us, it's an uncomfortable book - it describes many selfish behaviours... Would you say they're not true?

But, in the case of her partner, it is true - go read her most recent book, 'She's Not The Man I Married'?

[Jonianne]

You are not alone.

I have never felt the need or strongly desired to become a female. I identify "with" females in some ways (mostly emotionaly), but I do not identify "as" a female. I have too much of a male mind and body.

I am a crossdresser. I can touch on my feminine side when I need to and then go back to living my everyday life as a male. My feelings about this has been stable in this way for 45 years (even more so after fully accepting myself 13 - 15 years ago).

[TGMarla]

I guess it's all a matter of your own perspective. I think many of us try to "be" women when they dress. This may well be from an inner desire or a wonder at what it may be like to actually be a woman rather than a man. I have often wondered this. And although I feel that I have some transexual tendencies, I have concluded that SRS is not the path that I intend to take in this life. I will remain as I am, a crossdresser.

I understand that some crossdressers have no desire to actually be women, but I wonder sometimes why any man would want to emulate a woman without ever having at least a passing thought at what it would be like to be female. There just about has to be something there...even a little.

But that said, sex change is not the obvious, nor the most likely result in a lifetime of crossdressing. Statistically, it's about the least likely, in fact. So to your point, Betty is wrong in her assessment.

[goofus]

I think that you have to have some empathy for Ms. Boyd. I think most of the GG's can back me up on this, there is a fear that we may decide we want to be women full time. I don't think Helen was saying that *all* crossdressers will eventually want to transition.

[VeronicaMoonlit]

Decided to reply, since I have autographed copies of both "My Husband Betty" and "She's Not the Man I Married". And I'm a frequent poster on the mHB boards.(over 2800 posts, #14 in post count)

When Helen started researching transstuff, she was told by the powers that be, that CD's never transition. Well, we all know that isn't true. Some of them, do. Enough that wives/partners/SO's should be warned about the chance of doing so, or the chance of them "wanting to do so" even if they don't because they want to hold to their "husband" commitment. MHB and SNTMIM's were written with partners in mind more than us transfolk.

Veronica
Rondelle (Ron) Rogers Jr.

[jruiz]

You are not alone. I don't want to be a woman. I don't want to transition. I don't want to appear feminine when I'm in drab. I'd certainly like to improve as a CD, but I'm really happy with my male life.

The first (and only) time I went to a transition service, I kind of felt that I didn't belong. Actually, the urge went for a while after the experience.

They asked me for my girl's name. When I told them that I don't have one (actually, I've never though about it until then), they were pretty surprised. It was a great group, but I didn't feel identified with most of the gurls there.

Well, but that's just me. I respect other situations.

[LisaM]

Ruth,

I don't really know if there is a real answer that satisfies everyone. I think (but I do not know) that Helen's spouse, Betty, considers herself more of a TS than a CD. Maybe she started as a CD but I think she feels that she is more of a TS now.

I have always felt that I was TS but it always felt easier to be a CD. I didn't want to be TS. I still dislike the idea that I am TS because it suggests that I have to go further. Being a CD means being comfortable with being a man and I have never felt comfortable being a man.

So I think you will find many people who feel comfortable like you about having no interest in being TS and yet you will also find people like me that feel that they have always wanted to be women and that CDing does nothing for them.

Good luck finding yourself! I am still trying to find my place of comfort.

[Nicki B]

So to your point, Betty is wrong in her assessment.

Betty is Helen's SO..

[Starling]

I've had moments while dressed when I felt I wanted to be a real woman, and not just a guy in a dress. But those moments have always passed, and I'm left with the kind of afterglow that follows a really nice vacation. I have a lot invested in my male identity and don't want to give it up, and I am totally committed to my wonderful SO, but I relish the occasional fantasy of femaleness and wouldn't want to give that up either. So it's more than just dressing, but it's less than being.

I will say there's nothing I undertake as a man that a woman couldn't do, so I don't consider what I do in drab "guy stuff." It's just the stuff I happen to do with the people who are old, old friends of the regular, ordinary male me.

LAL