how to stay married and tell about cding

[crossdrezzer1]

If she knows or doesnt know make sure you tell her slowly and in the right situation,,dont wait to be caught and play it off like its no big deal,say to her sometimes I like to feel vounirable and soft and let my gaurd down and wear something pretty,,makes me feel *relaxed and relieves the stress,, I have been doing this for some time and want you to know in case you ever catch me so you dont get shaocked,,I will keep it to myself and I love you,,need not to worry I am still the same guy you love but thought you should know all of me and this is a secret I havent shared with anyone but you,,why I am telling you this is because you are my better half and you should know all of me and not telling you is wrong,
,,,Communication is key and anything can be worked out with a good talking,,,make guidelines and respect her wishes,,she fell in love with you and that hasnt changed,,nor have you changed,,,its just she got to know you a little bit better by knowing your secret so now she knows make sure you dont change and push this down her throat,,,that will end up badly for the both of you,,,keep hiding the stuff and cd sessions and now it will be a little more better for you not worring being caught as much because she knows but still you want to keep it away from her unless she ask you to play dress up in front of her,,its nice to do that but might be bad for her so once again dont change your hobby just because she knows,,that will end up in a break up....

[JoAnne Wheeler]

Amy - have you TOLD her YET ? You formula for telling is right on - go slow

but do tell - telling is better than getting caught (been there) . Then talk

some more - try to relieve her fears - Comunicate and comunicate - it still

will be tough though

JoAnne Wheeler

[TSchapes]

Having been on this board awhile and participating in a number of gender identity enlightening activities (coming out to co-workers, going to Southern Comfort Conference, joining the LGBT group at work). I truly believe things will change when we start at home! I can't imagine things getting any better for the whole transgender community until at least the SO knows.

I don't think there's a quick fix for this either. Each SO is different and so an appropriate strategy has to be developed before you tell them. You know them best, so it is up to you to tailor the presentation. Go slow!

But I do think there are some very basic things to do:

1. Apologize for keeping this a secret
2. Be informed, learn as much as you can about crossdressing
3. Tell them you love them
4. Tell them that this is part of what makes you, you, and
5. Tell them you will establish boundaries together (communication)

Of all the people that I've seen that have had really bad experiences telling there SO there was usually something else going on besides the crossdressing. So if you are having other problems, you may wish to clear those up before you tell them about your CDing!

-Tracy

[Ralph]

Let me add to Tracy's excellent summary by expanding on #5 about establishing boundaries: HER NEEDS ARE JUST AS IMPORTANT AS YOURS. Accepting one another is a two-way street, and if she is willing to put up with your dressing you must be willing to respect her boundaries as well. And I mean honoring those boundaries in spirit, not just to the letter of the law (as in, "if she doesn't catch me it doesn't count"). Total trust and honesty is the only way a relationship can survive; that's true with or without CDing as a factor.

ralph

[rlars1]

As a wife of CD who told me 1 year after we were married, all of these ideas are exactly correct. It took me several years to really come to my own terms with it but my husband took it slow and didn't do anything to make me feel uncomfortable about it and now I look forward to the dress up days that we can share together. He has become my best boyfriend and best girlfriend all rolled into one. Take it slow and let your SO share how she is feeling and dealing with the situation. Lots of love.

[Jenniferpl]

Go slow. Do not do anything that will lose her trust.

[Jacquilynne]

5. Tell them you will establish boundaries together (communication)

This is a biggie. . . and is the biggest reason that my wife recently left!

There were others of course but I think I consistently went beyond her boundaries. She did set some boundaries initially and I said I would abide by her boundaries. But then I would often push those boundaries and even though I would ask her if I was going too fast but she would tell me what she thought I wanted to hear. This kept up for many months until she finally left -- without warning

So I do agree the key is COMMUNICATION! and something I wish I had done a better job of doing.

Now, I am forced to make a decision . . . its either counseling to "fix" my CD problem and have a relationship with my wife and kids or continue being myself and have NO relationship with my wife and limited time with my kids. My wife refuses to talk with me until I have counseling and refuses to ever live down here in SC with me -- She said she will NEVER live here again! She has said she is freaked out by me now and thinks she needs to protect our kids from thier confused father. I'm being made out to be real sick and selfish

That is my update. So being truthful from the beginning and maintaining the boundaries you all form through open communication is of utmost importance . . . Also, remind her daily that you are also her husband and love her dearly

Jacie

[bonniebma]

This is a tough one. I've been married for a long time and love my wife, but I've never been confident that she would understand this side of me. It's only in the last 10 years that I've gotten semi-serious - buying a wig and forms, going out, having makeovers - and I only do it when my SO is out of town. How have others handled telling a spouse after so may years?

[RWillow]

I told my wife a week and a half ago after 47 years in the closet. It has been a very rocky ride so far but we are still talking. She has set boundries, she NEVER wants to see me dressed and I will do everything in my power to stay within the boundry. As mentioned earlier keep the lines of communication open and take it slow. I will answer any questions she has but I will not force anything on her. I have to say that the past few days have been normal and that worries me, I am waiting for the other shoe to fall. I really don't know at this point where I stand.

[TerriM]

I told my wife after 10yrs of marriage. She found a phone # and a girls name on a piece of paper in my wallet. Needless to say what she thought. That night I told her. Then I told her 2 more times until she believed me. We had 2 kids at the time. We are now married 37yrs and have 5 kids. She has never seen me dressed. Marriage is something you work at. Its a continuing project. Communication is the key. Sometimes that is easier said than done. But in the long run it is worth the effort. At least in my case.

Yours Terri

[Kelli Michelle]

Of all the people that I've seen that have had really bad experiences telling there SO there was usually something else going on besides the crossdressing. So if you are having other problems, you may wish to clear those up before you tell them about your CDing!

-Tracy

Here's a question: If you do have other problems (not insurmountable but reasonably big), and these problems aren't going to be worked out, do you still tell? Not asking anyone to make decisions for me, I already did tell my wife a long time ago, just wondering what your thoughts are.

[TSchapes]

Here's a question: If you do have other problems (not insurmountable but reasonably big), and these problems aren't going to be worked out, do you still tell? Not asking anyone to make decisions for me, I already did tell my wife a long time ago, just wondering what your thoughts are.

First of all, if the problems could not be worked out, why would they stick around? I don't think in that situation I would be telling them, but I would either get counseling or look into separating.

But if they were interested in working out the problems, my best advice in that situation would be to seek out a counselor that understands the problems you need to work out. Preferably one that understands your gender identity needs too. That may be a tall order, but they are out there, it would just take some real research.

Or, if you can't do that, at least find a counselor that can help with the non-gender issues first. Sometimes we just need a little help from a third party to get things rolling.

But I would think if you had other unworkable problems and have not told your SO that you cross-dress, that would be one stressful situation. I don't know how one can live like that. IMO.

-Tracy

[Shannon]

I'm on my second marriage. Secrecy and really poor communications ruined my first marriage. My CD-ing was part of the secrecy, but it went beyond that.

I told my second wife before we got married. She is so accepting and supporting, and she enjoys it as much as I do.

Expanding a bit on Tracy's #1 Apologize for keeping this a secret.

I think it would be helpful to explain why you did keep it a secret (initially it may have been fear of rejection, or perhaps it was shame/embarrassment; after a few years it becomes even more difficult to bring up, etc.). For many SOs, learning you've been keeping a secret leads to suspicion about what other secrets are out there (hopefully there are no other secrets).

And I think it would also be helpful to assure her that you will not be secretive in the future and that you will work hard to always be honest and open in the future.

[linnea]

I think that it's very difficult (not that it should be), and it's very important to go slow and communicate a lot. As someone wisely put it in a previous posting, it's also extremely important to deal with the feelings involved (i.e., how does the SO feel about the news, even more than the rational part about what it is and why it is and other such details).

[kellycan27]

SOUNDED LIKE A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME. kind of like.... give me a match I think the gas tanks empty.. might just explode right in your face.

Oh and don't forget to say you are sorry for taking away her right to choose.

[Melora]

GREAT TOPPIC!! Again....
Your Quote..
"I have been doing this for some time and want you to know in case you ever catch me so you dont get shaocked,,I will keep it to myself and I love you,,need not to worry I am still the same guy you love but thought you should know all of me and this is a secret I havent shared with anyone but you,,why I am telling you this is because you are my better half and you should know all of me and not telling you is wrong,
,,,Communication is key and anything can be worked out with a good talking,,,make guidelines and respect her wishes,,she fell in love with you and that hasnt changed,,nor have you changed,,,its just she got to know you a little bit better by knowing your secret so now she knows make sure you dont change and push this down her throat,,,that will end up badly for the both of you"...

I LIKED IT!! Good job and a GREAT ARGUMENT!!
An Awsome Thing for CD Newbees!!
Melora..

[Elsa]

A good approach that works!
I told my girlfriend about my cross-dressing 10 years ago, exactly as Amy describes it. I am still with her and we love each other but I have never dressed en femme in front of her.