Need honest opinions please

[socute]

Hi! I am a woman whose boyfriend is a cd. I discovered this 6 months after we started dating. We have been together over 6 years. I have always been accepting and supportive of his desire to cd, however, he doesn't want me to have anything to do with it. Recently I found out that he is not only into cding, but also forced feminization. Like I said, I've tried to be accepting and accomodating, but he does not want me involved whatsoever. He has been posting personal ads on websites, and listing himself as "bi-curious". When I inquired about it he said he isn't bi or bi-curious, but wants to find others like him to talk to, and because he is unable to find a woman to fulfill these forced feminization fantasies, he turns to men on the internet. My question is--do you think this is the case, or is he really bi-curious and doesn't want to tell me? He also says that it is just a fantasy and really doesn't see anything wrong with doing this on the internet, as it really isn't physical. I am very hurt by this, because I consider it a betrayal.

[Jennifer Brooks]

He sounds confused and out of place with his CDing. Probably not comfortable with himself and that is why he is shunning you. I at one time felt the same way he is now. Though my wife didn't know at the time I was CDing. He needs a forum like this and maybe a Transgender meeting to go to. That way he could be around people that are like him for the most part and get some lessons on how to handle this part of his life. Or maybe both of you should do this to better understand what's going on. I'd hate to know that you two broke anything off due to frustrations and lack of knowledge. That's my 2 cents. Best of luck to both of you.

[Diane098]

First off hello and welcome to the forums. For me it seems strange that he is looking for other men to fulfill his desire. For myself, my wife is the only one I would desire for fantasy fulfillment. Maybe there is more to his bi-couriosity than he will admit.

[Nicki B]

however, he doesn't want me to have anything to do with it.

Never underestimate how much guilt we feel about this?

Recently I found out that he is not only into cding, but also forced feminization.

Which sounds exactly like guilt - 'if someone else does it to me, I'm not responsible'?

He also says that it is just a fantasy and really doesn't see anything wrong with doing this on the internet, as it really isn't physical. I am very hurt by this, because I consider it a betrayal.

It certainly sounds like he would like it to be more than a fantasy, if he's actively looking for people to do it with - he needs to understand how hurtful that is to you and how it threatens your relationship.

Honestly, I think you both need external, professional help to deal with this?

[socute]

It certainly sounds like he would like it to be more than a fantasy, if he's actively looking for people to do it with - he needs to understand how hurtful that is to you and how it threatens your relationship.

Honestly, I think you both need external, professional help to deal with this?

He's definitely embarrassed about it. He also said that he's not looking to meet anyone in real life, but he has admitted to having cyber-sex twice and has posted pics of himself dressed up on the personal ads. He said that the forced feminization is not about being with another man, but more about the clothing. He claims that he wants to be dominated by a woman, but wouldn't take me seriously if I did it. He has dressed up with me before, but said it felt "forced".

[TSchapes]

about "Forced Feminization" is it's one way of avoiding the guilt that one feels about cross-dressing. In other words since someone else is imposing this on you, it's not your fault that you're dressed that way.

Just something I read. Wish I could remember where.

I understand why you are hurt. He's not letting you in and the lines of communication are down. I feel this is just as bad as not telling your SO about your crossdressing.

You two need to talk about this. Find out where the boundaries are and if they are mutually agreeable.

Sorry, I've got my guy hat on and I'm trying to "fix the problem". I hope you two can work this out.

Love, Tracy

[<3 Keri Lynn <3]

The best thing he can do is get him to look at this site, Ive only been on here for a week now? And it has been so much help trying to find out who I am without shunning anyone or closing off. It happens to CDers every now and again where they are in life. I've noticed it almost as our midlife crisis because we are still men down and under which sucks but thats how it seems to happen.


*Hugs*Kisses*

[JennyS.]

SoCute... I am by no means an expert but I have my own philosophies about myself. I could be wrong, but CD'ing to your boyfriend may be something he considers for himself and is not ready to let that side of him out to people that know him as a boy. I can tell you from my own experences that as of right now, know one that I know as Jenny will meet my male side. Maybe after a while that will change, don't know. Also, I don't consider myself as bi-curious either, I just like looking pretty from time to time and I am not attracted to men. There is nothing wrong with that. Now, like your boyfriend I have been on sites that are unlike this one ('hook up' sites) trying to meet people like me, not looking for a date. The life of a CD can be an arduous road, let me tell you. BUT, I have recently met some great gurls and look forward to going out with more because for that one night a week or even month, I have a terrific time and feel completely safe.
I know you're confused and frustrated... And, it's been going on for a long time. Six years, wow. You obviously love him, so don't pressure him too much to let you in to that side. Maybe you should buy him a dress, skirt or a purse. That could help you inside the closet.
Hope this helps.

Jenny

[socute]

Also, I don't consider myself as bi-curious either, I just like looking pretty from time to time and I am not attracted to men. There is nothing wrong with that. Now, like your boyfriend I have been on sites that are unlike this one ('hook up' sites) trying to meet people like me, not looking for a date.
Jenny

Thank you for your honesty. This leads to another question--if cding is a sexual turn-on to my boyfriend, does that mean that if he and another man got dressed up together, it would lead to more? I am really trying to understand how this all works, and thank you for all your help.

[TGMarla]

This has possibly always been a solitary activity for him. But I don't think most of us would shy away from a supportive woman. If he's turning you away and turning to the internet because he's "bi-curious", it may be a warning sign for you. Some kind of open dialog is in order here. You have a right to know where you stand in your relationship.

[socute]

This has possibly always been a solitary activity for him.

It is definitely. He doesn't want *anyone* to know, and didn't want me to know, either. I found out by accident.

We have the same conversation over and over again, and our relationship is in shambles. I just want some clarification, but he tells me over and over that he is not bi-curious, just looking for someone to talk to. I want to trust what he says, but I don't know if he is being honest after all the dishonesty he has displayed. All I do is cry all day, and I'm so depressed. How do I know if he is telling the truth?

[JennyS.]

It's not always a sexual turn-on, for me. Sometimes, I just feel good looking pretty... As pretty as I can, anyway.
Here's the deal... I believe that I am attracted to women so much and love the shape, softness, and femme of them that from time to time I want to look like them. It doesn't mean I want to be a woman, by any means. That is very different from some on this site... Which is perfectly fine, too. What is needed is acceptance of the 'other' life. And the ladies on this wonderful site are a great source of information and acceptance no matter your sexual preference.
Stay aboard, SoCute... Ask all the questions you can, then introduce your boyfriend to us. This site helped me personally more than anyone can know.

Good luck to you.
Jenny

[Nicki B]

This leads to another question--if cding is a sexual turn-on to my boyfriend, does that mean that if he and another man got dressed up together, it would lead to more? I am really trying to understand how this all works, and thank you for all your help.

It's certainly not beyond the realms of possibility - nor that they would see each other as, at the very least, 'not male'..

I think he has real issues telling you the whole truth.

[twozillion]

My take is he is embarrased as well as using it as an excuse to be less than forthcoming to you. I would say do whatever you can to find a way for both of you to get your needs met. I think he would be suprised how cool it could be to let go a bit and open up to you. I bet you could easily fufill some of his fantasies and build a relationship with him if he could accept that side of himself and not lead a seperate life. Doing things behind your back will only compound any feelings of guilt he may have.

Best Wishes!

G

[socute]

Thank you all so much for replying to my posts. I am going to continue to peruse this board and ask questions. I appreciate all of your help.

[JennyS.]

This is a good begining for the two of you, but not the end all be all. Like someone stated earlier.... Professional help for your relationship may be needed. But, at least you are smart enough to seek advice on your own. Many of the gurls here are so intellegent and can be extremely helpful to your situation. As you've probably read, many of us have wives, girlfriends, and fiance's that are supportive of their SO's. Seek them out and ask questions about thier experiences and how they got through it. It won't be easy, I'm sure. But, you love him obviously, and it's worth the try.
Oh, I think it would be better to head off any fantasies into realities before they happen. Then, there is probably no turning back.

Again... Good wishes to you and yours.

[socute]

Oh, I think it would be better to head off any fantasies into realities before they happen. Then, there is probably no turning back.

That's what I don't get. He keeps saying he'll never find a woman to fulfill his fantasies, and I'm right here! He just doesn't want me involved. It really hurts. He says he has to accept that it is just a fantasy and will never happen. I'm so depressed.

[JennyS.]

He's in denial of her other self. Guilt, frustration, cognative thinking, religion, everything is completely confusing to him as it is to yourself. He is living in a fantasy world that is made just for him. That's what it sounds like to me. Like I said... I ventured onto certian sites but got scared because I don't want to 'be' with a man and just discarded those sites. And.. Again, I could be wrong. But, being supportive may just mean buying him a skirt or blouse and saying "I think this would look cute on you". Then walk away and see what happens. Maybe? I don't know. Looking in other posts... Don't pressure too much. But, you have every right to be concerned.

Does that help?

BTW... What does he do for a living? That could explain a lot.

[kathrynjanos]

I think it is possible that he doesn't want YOU involved with those fantasies. Maybe he sees you as something different, I'd even say "better" than that, as in, he thinks lowly of his desires. I am not sure, I don't know anything other than what's been said here, that's just a thought that occurs to me, so I'm throwing them out there.

That being said, if he's putting personals out there, listing as bi-curious, well, I'm just gonna go out on a limb here and say he probably is. Doesn't mean he's necessarily bi, just wants a confirmation.

I think you need to determine what your limits are on the relationship before any direct conversation with him. As in, if you are not open to the possibility of him trying something that doesn't involve you, possibly sexual in nature, then you need to know that, and have a very serious talk about this. He also needs to be completely open and honest. If you get the sense that he is not being honest, it's your right to demand that you seek couples' counseling, or else you have the right to be free and clear in moving on. But that's up to you. Just try not to corner or threaten him about it, it will only drive him further away.

In regards to your question about whether or not he'd be sexually interested in a male if he or both of them were dressed, that's impossible to say without knowing him better. I will state that it is VERY common that crossdressing starts as a sexual thrill, and then, as that passes and you discover more about who you are, it becomes more of something you want to do for yourself. Self expression, as it were. Some go full-time, some just do it at home, some move on to being transsexuals.

[JennyS.]

That's a very good point Kathryn.

[kathrynjanos]

That's a very good point Kathryn.

Thanks. I'd prefer to break it down and answer on a quoted point by point basis, but thanks to caffeine and sugar, I'm a little too hyped up right now to give a straight answer.

[txrobinm]

Hi! Welcome to the forum!

My gut feeling is pro help is needed here. A question to ask:

how do YOU feel about cybersex? I think and feel that it's sex, even if the other person isn't physically there. The emotional bond and mental stimulation is there, coming from and going to another person, and he's not doing it with you. That's not monogomy in my book.

With talking it out, y'all can come to an undestanding of who needs what, exactly, and who's OK with what. Hang in there, buy him a nice (non-kinky, you want to encourage the behavior that works with you, not more hiding) femme item to help create a warm and loving environment where he can feel like talking about it, and get some pro help. Great idea on Tri-S or other such organization, too.

[kellycan27]

I have noticed that in many threads in here that there a number of crossdressers both married and with SO's that say that while dressed they often wonder or fantasize about being with another man, but seriously doubt that they would actually do it, and that they find the idea of being with another man while in guy mode totally unappealing.(that's putting it nicely)
I think it may go part and parcel with the whole crossdressing,feeling feminine, thing. Some sort of "turn" to enhance the experience. But not something that they might really do.
Perhaps you b/f ,by logging onto these sites and contacting other men is doing just that... enhancing his CDing experience. And perhaps he is so uncomfortable where you are concerned (because of how he may feel that you feel about his manliness) he is unable to to show you this side of himself. He's embaressed.

Maybe he's trying to tell you in a round about way that he would like to indulge this "forced feminization fantasy" with you,but indirectly because he may fear your reaction.

[socute]

I have noticed that in many threads in here that there a number of crossdressers both married and with SO's that say that while dressed they often wonder or fantasize about being with another man, but seriously doubt that they would actually do it, and that they find the idea of being with another man while in guy mode totally unappealing.(that's putting it nicely)

He has said that he would not be interested in a man because men are "nasty, stinky, and their voice would turn him off immediately". He believes that a man dressed as a woman is different. I guess because a man dressed as a woman is not taking on the persona of a man. He told me he would choose a woman over a man any day.

Hi! Welcome to the forum!

My gut feeling is pro help is needed here. A question to ask:

how do YOU feel about cybersex? I think and feel that it's sex, even if the other person isn't physically there. The emotional bond and mental stimulation is there, coming from and going to another person, and he's not doing it with you. That's not monogomy in my book.

I see his point where it isn't physical. When I asked about emotion, he said, "Trust me. There was no emotion involved."

I am not sure how I feel at this moment about it. I'm just confused and hurt.

I think it is possible that he doesn't want YOU involved with those fantasies. Maybe he sees you as something different, I'd even say "better" than that, as in, he thinks lowly of his desires.

I think the reason is because I am so much smaller than he is, (he could overtake me easily, so I couldn't dominate him) he wouldn't take me seriously.

That being said, if he's putting personals out there, listing as bi-curious, well, I'm just gonna go out on a limb here and say he probably is. Doesn't mean he's necessarily bi, just wants a confirmation.

That's what I want from him! If I knew the truth, I could make a decision easily.

I think you need to determine what your limits are on the relationship before any direct conversation with him. As in, if you are not open to the possibility of him trying something that doesn't involve you, possibly sexual in nature, then you need to know that, and have a very serious talk about this. He also needs to be completely open and honest. If you get the sense that he is not being honest, it's your right to demand that you seek couples' counseling, or else you have the right to be free and clear in moving on. But that's up to you. Just try not to corner or threaten him about it, it will only drive him further away.

We've had the same conversation over and over again for a while now. I've been very open and honest. Not sure if he has. As for couple's counseling, he would never consider it because then he'd have to share with myself *and* someone else. He doesn't even want me to know, let alone an outside party.

I am going to counseling by myself.

[Samantha B L]

It seems to be kind of a shame that he's posting those ads and he just sort of wants to play "don't ask don't tell" about his CD'ing with you. I mean,there are all kinds of CD'rs who would just love to have an accepting and understanding female GG partner. But is he new to CD'ing? Because this could explain his being embarrassed about the subject. Or maybe he's young and doesn't want talk to make it back to his Mom,Dad,brothers,sisters if he were to "come out" more.