This passing and transitioning thing

[kellycan27]

Some feel that if they can't pass then transitioning would be too difficult and why make their life more difficult than it already is? To me, the desire, no..the need to transition was far stronger than whether or not I passed. Don't look at my avatar and say .. well it's easy for you to say becasue you pass... In the beginning I didn't pass,not even close. Even when I began to live 24/7 as a woman... i didn't pass, far from it. My need to live my life over rode my fears..loss of family and friends, of being laughed at and ridiculed,physical harm and even death. What kind of life could I have if it wasn't my life? If I didn't have my life I had nothing and if I had nothing,I had nothing to lose.. So I am out there, screwing up, taking my lumps making some headway, and it dawns on me.... passing or not passng in no longer an option. My world can't stop because I pass or don't pass. I can't stay locked inside because I don't think I pass I can't call off of work because I don't think I pass. If I really want to be me I have to just suck it up and get out there up close and personal and be me. Once i got to that point of being "me" I could begin work on how I wanted to look as "me"
It wasn't easy,there were no shotcuts,no magic,just desire and need. Iam not braver or smarter or luckier than anyone else. ... How bad do you want it. need it? Do you settle? is it a pipe dream?

And please... I know that there are those who do want it, but family and job and such make it not an option. Feel free to jump right in, but I am mainly addressing those who are in the position, but can't seem to make the jump.

Let me add a little disclaimer here: There is no set answer,no right or wrong, and whether you agree or disagee with someone else is of no consequence. Just looking for your personal view.

[Carole Cross]

I know that right now I do not pass but for me the need to transition eventually overrode my fears about passing. I feared that I would lose my family, but after coming out to them yesterday, I have their total support. AS for my job I will be changing that very soon because I will not be able to transition in my present job. I have made the jump and I am glad that I have done so and can now live as my true self. I will work on trying to pass but it will not stop me from enjoying my life. I think if you really want to transition then passing will be insignificant and your happiness will be more important.

[Mollyanne]

Hi Kelly, That was one profound statement!!!!! Your "from the heart" narrative sums up a lot of internal fears and desires that are inside all of us. God speed your final destination with LOVE, Satisfaction and Fulfillment.

Mollyanne

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

When I look at your avatar I say "Wow". I would love to look like you, but alas I don't. I definitely do not pass well due to my body size and shape, but I am working on those issues. The need to transition and be me is becoming stronger everyday, my biggest fears are what you expressed in your post, those fears are what holds me back from moving forward faster. I hope to be on hormones in June and from that point will probably start the transition process with work.

The fears you expressed are the fears I have as well and hearing that you had them as well and worked thru them gives me the courage to continue forward. Thank you Kelly.

[Eileen]

Great post Kelly! I have been asked do people stare at you when you are shopping. I tell them, I have no idea. When I am shopping I am there to shop, not wonder or look to see what others are doing. Yes the urge to be true to ones inner identity can be and for me was ever so strong. The choices are huge and need to be made carefully. I wish everyone the best and hope they will go as far as they are comfortable. For me, "I wish I had" was not an option!

Eileen

[TGMarla]

I have always had a very strong desire to be a woman, however, I will not transition in order to make it happen. I have weighed and reasoned all the circumstances, and they override any selfish desires I have to be female. I applaud anyone who embarks on such a journey. So much fear and hardship involved! I will content myself with being a part-time woman, and live with the envy I have for those who were fortunate enough to be born that way, or courageous enough to transition. For me, it's not a lack of courage or desire, it's the circumstances of my life.

I look like I do as a result of about an hour of preparation involving a bunch of prosthetics, including the wig. Were I to actually decide to transition, I'd have to face the fact that unless I want to go around wearing such things all the time, I would not look anything like I do when I dress. And let's face it, no one goes through all that just to run down to the store and back.

I also have family, and a wife. I have no desire to put them through transition with me, nor do I have any desire to go through it and wind up unhappy with the results. I'll never get to grow my hair out, for instance, since much of it has fallen out. I have no desire to wear wigs the rest of my days in order to not look like a freak. As for the rest of my family, I have a twin brother who would not be able to handle it were I to come out and tell him that he was about to have a twin sister.

The bottom line here for me is that my desire to be a woman does not outweigh the pain and grief involved in transition. For some it does, and it must. But for me, it's not the right way to go, no matter how much I'd like to actually be female.

[Byanca]

That is wonderful, that is the way to do it! I dont care to much about passing either. I tend to think that people will see me however I look. Unfortunatly this does not happen all that much. So become more apatic and disapointed. Probably I underestimate what this can do to you as a person and integration. To connect your mind and body as a whole.

[Cindy Lynn]

Pass? Don't Pass?

This is your life, not a beauty pageant.

You live inside your skin, not on the outside.

[kellycan27]

I'm writing this from the viewpoint of a transvestite who is not and does not want to be a transsexual. But I'm also writing as an amateur actor and theatre director. So:

There is nobody who cannot pass. Any actor can tell you that there are tools - wigs, prosthetics, makeup - and techniques - voice training, deportment, gesture - which you can learn. There are thousands of people who earn a living pretending on film to be elves or ewoks or Tootsie or Dracula. I've seen the most unlikely tall, wrinkled, elderly crossdressers who still manage to pass well enough to get called "Madame". God knows, it even happens to me sometimes.

If that's what you want, learn the techniques and do it. It takes time and application, and a small amount of money. But if Sarah Bernhardt could play Hamlet with a wooden leg, you can pass.

Only, above all, you need to want to.

True to an extent, but not everyone has the where with all to go though all of that on a daily basis. There are going to be those times when due to some reason or another you just don't have the time, or the resources. That's putting it rather simply,wouldn't you say?

[msginaadoll]

Thanks so much for your post kelly. It showed a lot of your heart in it. I have a friend who I met one of the first times I went out in public. We both latched on each other cause we were newbies. Now at close to 60 she is transitioning. She confirmed to me several things that you said. She is in the public and now pass or not is out there. It is not like she can slip in and out of a dress or a wig etc. It is her reality. it is a tuff reality because she has been married for years, and her wife and children are now trying to come to terms with things. I also understand what Marla says sometimes you have to take what life gives you and deal with it. I am not one who believes that I am the most inportant person in the universe or anyone else. People have families to deal with children, jobs etc. Sometimes we can not have everything in life we wish for, but can settle and enjoy what we have. In the end everyone is different and an individual.

[donnaking]

There is nobody who cannot pass. Any actor can tell you that there are tools - wigs, prosthetics, makeup - and techniques - voice training, deportment, gesture - which you can learn.

Is this real life or a theatrical production we're discussing here?
Face the facts -There are some people who simply cannot pass, and never will without extensive facial surgery. The question is: Are you OK with NOT passing? Some people are. Some people aren't. I'm not saying it's right - but the cold hard truth is that most people in society will judge you by first impression. So yes, passing is important.

I'm still trying to figure out why this post was placed in the Male to Female Crossdressing section. Crossdressers don't transition.

[AmandaM]

Knowing what I know now, I would transition. In my late teen's I resisted the urges, denied myself, became macho, etc. Then I ended up married with children. I don't regret being married or having children, but it does mean I martyred myself for my family. Sometimes, I wish I would have had the chance to transition young. Sometimes I wish I ran away at 15 to San Francisco and took street hormones, which was my only choice. But then again, I probably would have fallen into prostitution and died of aids. I wish I started out in a wealthier family who would have supported me, instead of being on my own at 17. I wish I could transition now, but don't want to put my family in a weird situation or make them poor. I suppose I might go to my grave full of regrets. Maybe my wife will recommend transition after the kids are out of the house. I might take her up on it, I'd finally be free. I martyr myself everyday when I get up and go to work where I have to be a man. I want breasts, I want shaved legs, I want long hair and a fem body. It sucks having transgender feelings and feeling you cannot do anything about it. Welp, at least I can try to be the best transvestite I can be, even if it's only part-time relief.

[kellycan27]

. I am not one who believes that I am the most inportant person in the universe or anyone else. People have families to deal with children, jobs etc. Sometimes we can not have everything in life we wish for, but can settle and enjoy what we have. In the end everyone is different and an individual.[/QUOTE]

I totally understand that, and i did mention it in my thread. True and relevant no question about that.
As far as being the most important person in the universe...I have a bit of a different take on that. When I was outted to my family and friends I saw that they believed that they were the most important poeple in the universe. How dare I disrupt their lives. What I was going through was irrelevant. How is this going to affect them? What are their friends and family going to think of them for having me in the family? Should I have to suffer and live my life according to someboby elses standards? They didn't care what I was feeing, so why should I care what they were feeling? If this gives the impression that I feel that I am the center of the univese....Guilty as charged.

[donnaking]

Crossdressers don't transition? A rather broad statement....A lot of crossdressers do transition,or would like to.

Sure, some transition. But then they're no longer crossdressers-they're transsexuals

[msginaadoll]

Sorry Kelly. In no way was I talking about you. In fact i was very impressed with your advice and words. I meant that everyone is different. Even in transitioning people are in differnet situations. Some are able to make that choice given their situation and others are not. I believe that wives, children, etc are all things that come into play or should before choices are made. In the case of families I know sometimes they are supportive and sometimes they are not. All I meant to say is that there are other people who are involved in some of our lives and each decision we make impacts them. If my words came out wrong or misread i apologize.

[Annie D]

Although not out at work or to my two teenagers, I have gotten to a point in my life that I discreetly have been going out in public at all times of the day. I have become braver and braver and have in the back of my mind that when I retire (in about 6 years from now) that I truly may live as Annie 24/7.

There in lies the problem in as much as because I have become so dedicated to my feminine self, that just this week end, my somewhat supportive wife tearfully confronted me about all the changes that I have been undergoing and told me in no uncertain terms that she could not tolerate Annie anymore for fear that we would lose everything that we have worked for and accomplished in the 18+ years of our marriage. Like a load of bricks, she dropped on me some guidelines that were drawn in the sand. Because of my love for her and the fact that I can appreciate her feelings that there is someone coming between us (Annie), I will slow down and follow her wishes. It became very clear to me that I have wounded her and I need to mend the hurt to alleviate her fears. I can only hope that time will heal the damage that I have done.

Without taking a hard line and standing up for Annie, I can only hope that my wife will gain back her confidence in my love for her and allow Annie to grow and develop into the person that I want to be.

[donnaking]

Ho-Hum... But they were crossdressers who in fact...did transition, so your statement that CDer's don't transition

apples & oranges...whatever...

[kellycan27]

Although not out at work or to my two teenagers, I have gotten to a point in my life that I discreetly have been going out in public at all times of the day. I have become braver and braver and have in the back of my mind that when I retire (in about 6 years from now) that I truly may live as Annie 24/7.

There in lies the problem in as much as because I have become so dedicated to my feminine self, that just this week end, my somewhat supportive wife tearfully confronted me about all the changes that I have been undergoing and told me in no uncertain terms that she could not tolerate Annie anymore for fear that we would lose everything that we have worked for and accomplished in the 18+ years of our marriage. Like a load of bricks, she dropped on me some guidelines that were drawn in the sand. Because of my love for her and the fact that I can appreciate her feelings that there is someone coming between us (Annie), I will slow down and follow her wishes. It became very clear to me that I have wounded her and I need to mend the hurt to alleviate her fears. I can only hope that time will heal the damage that I have done.

Without taking a hard line and standing up for Annie, I can only hope that my wife will gain back her confidence in my love for her and allow Annie to grow and develop into the person that I want to be.

Sometimes sacrifices have to be made. What you are doing is both right and honorable. thank you for sharing that. I hope and pray that it does work out for you.
Kelly

[victoriamwilliams1]

I know for me I do not plan on transitioning however can say when I started I do not look like I do today and being a amazon woman towering in at near 7ft I stood out and was pointed at in the early days when out in public. Now I am still pointed out for different reasons and I have noticed now that people just mind there own business.

Now for transitioning I think for those of who are married with children it is harder, I think that if I would have been single for one more year before I met my wife I may have considers coming out and going full time. At that time I still would have has losses but not as much I would now.

[Nicole Erin]

I think the reason there is so much emphasis in the TS mind about transitioning and "passing" is because of peer pressure.
They say during our transition, we are in the mindset of an adolescent. Remember being a teenager and feeling insecure because you were to the biggest guy in school or not the most popular, or someone else had nicer clothes...?
But you get to a point where it just does not matter.

So with transition or even going out en femme as CD or TS, those same insecurities come about. I guess it does not help that we see photos of what look like perfectly passable AND beautiful TS. I bet if you saw what the person really looked like, you would be a little suprised to find out they are not always as pretty as a picture.

OK remember in you teen years when you did whatever activity and deep in your mind you truely believed you could be the best, you could be a pro, if you worked really hard? Maybe try to get in that mindset.

Do you want to live your life as you want or forego part of your life because you might not measure up to some ridiculous standard? Gosh I know *I* will never be a size 4 model, far from it, but I won't let that stop me from being me.

If you do not try, you have already failed.

[Patrice]

Puberty wasn't even a blip on the horizon when questions of gender-identity first entered my life. I then proceeded to waste the next 30 years as an empty "plastic person", conforming my likes/dislikes/and general personality to best fit the needs/expectations of whatever friend or family member I was interacting with at the moment. I had somehow allowed myself to be convinced that it was better for me to worry about others needs over my own, that my 'selfish' desire to be myself was 'wrong'. Somewhere in there I lost track of my own identity and suffered a sort of egodeath. I really had no idea who 'I' was anymore. And you simply cannot live like that.

This took me nearly to rock bottom (I could see it from there), and at this point I decided some 'selfishness' could be a good thing and I really needed to rebuild my core-identity. I originally returned to cross-dressing as a tool, but as you may expect its led me farther. as of this time the only obstruction to a full-transition in my life is finances. But I know IM heading in the right direction and will go as far as I can.

Back to the original question of pass/no-pass transitioning. Im not trying to fit myself into another role or external definition, Im doing what I want because I want to. 'Passing" has always implied hiding to me, moving around under the radar. I much prefer to be accepted for who I am, rather than assumed to be something Im not. Even if transitioning made me look more masculine than I do now, Id still want it.

[Suzy Harrison]

Hi Kelly - I loved your post and can relate to it in so many ways, in fact it made me cry reading it.

I guess it's all down to "How badly do I need this?"

I felt that I needed it so bad that I was prepared to loose everything - my family, my job, my house and my lifestyle. Like you I had reached a point where all that seemed somewhat fake as I wasn't the real me and had suffered for it all my life.

You are right about passing - it is difficult and I've been cut down to size a few times - but if you want this so badly you keep keep on going and pray it'll get better.

I'm sure you will succeed as you clearly have the will and the determination to make it. I'm also sure in years to come, you'll look back at this time with fond memories of how you faced the world and became the female you always wanted to be.


Suzy

[JoAnne Wheeler]

My youngest BM brother had SRS and "she" is not what I would call attractive

in fact, she looks very homely - but she doesn't care - she is happy that she

did what she did - she still looks like a male - she doesn't dress like we CDers

like to - she looks and acts very ordinary - to look at her, she doesn't pass

even though she has had SRS - Does any of this help you

JoAnne Wheeler

[vivianann]

I agree with you Kelly, I do not pass either, however since I have come out to everybody and am transitioning to full time as a woman, I find that having confidence goes along ways in helping me to pass when out in public, most peaple do not notice that I am not a real woman, and some peaple who read me, are for the most part supportive, and stop to compliment me on my courage and my confidence. I have gained many new and very loyal friends because of who I am.

[cindym5_04]

All of this is easy for Kellycan to say because she's so passable and pretty. (sorry, when someone tells me not to say something- most of the time I have to)

Seriously, though, when I dress a lot of times, I don't think I look "passable" because I see too much of my "normal" self in the mirror. My wife and I were out shopping for new outfits for me and I was all about "I don't want to show too much arm" (feeling self-conscious about size and tone and looking too "masculine" although realistically I'm not built that big). Then I saw some GG's on tv who were built similar to my stature and I've seen some t-girls on other sites that are built the same, so my mind has changed.

Essentially what I'm saying is that sometimes we look at ourselves and see something completely different than what everyone else sees. Either way, you have to be yourself and be comfortable with who you are. There are a lot of ways, not just with crossdressing, that I'm still learning and working on being completely comfortable with myself. I'm 36 years old and still learning those lessons.