hardest conversation of my life

[sadie67]

i had a conversation with my wife in the car on the way to work on thursday about my crossdressing my wife is not very happy with me dressing & said that if i need to dress then to do it when her & my daughter are not around also that she we not go out with me dressed or even buy clothes for me i really struggled to explain me feelings to her

[Mollyanne]

Hi Sadie, well the initial shock is over and done with!!!!! Your wife has given you some parameters for your dressing and I strongly suggest you follow them. There is one thing that I have learned in my lifetime and that is not to push!!! Play by the rules.

Mollyanne

[Ruth]

You are out in the open at least, and you have got some kind of permission from her.
Don't overstep the lines she's drawn, but try in whatever way to suggest and demonstrate that there is an upside to your CDing. For instance, does it make you a nicer and more loving person.
Then just take it slow and wait for further acceptance.

[Karren H]

Sounds way better than all out rejection and all the problems associated with that!! I'd sure consider myself lucky!!!

[TJ Tresa]

Yes I agree you should stay with in the peramerters she set for you. Maybe someday she will realize she still loves you no matter what and will start taking an active part but until she makes that move don't push it.
I'm luck y that I have a very understanding wife, she wasn't to thrilled about helping at first now she loves it. So my advise os be patient.

[Kolokea GG]

From a GG that has only know since October, I will stay stay with in the parameters that she lays out. Talk about it, don't hide things because than the miind starts to wander and think the worst. Make sure she knows your intentions.I can say in the beginning I was praying it was just a phase, but have comes to terms that it is not. I have a son and have we have decided togther that in best interest that he should not know and if he ever does it will be when he is over 18 and we know he can emotionally handle it. The things I most stress is commuication is key. Answer questions the best way you can and if you don't know the answer tell her you don't have one at that moment. Any questions feel free to ask. I hope all works out well.

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

Step one is coming out. Now that you've got that out of the way, you're going to need to be patient and understanding of your wife.

She's the one who really needs to understand you, which goes without saying, but keep in mind - you just dropped a big one on her. I think it's safe to say that she knows very little about crossdressing, aside from all the negative garbage that society has filled her head with over the years. It's going to take some time for her to sort out her own thoughts and feelings on this. Push her too fast with anything, and you'll likely just get shut down or even the dreaded ultimatum that so many crossdressers get.

How do you feel about your own cding? Are you comfortable with yourself? When you explained this to your wife, did you tell her about some horrible addiction you can't rid yourself of, or did you share a beautiful part of your life with her? The way in which you came out is very important. If you feel like something is wrong with you, then your wife will probably never accept this part of you and never allow you to bring it in to her life. If you know and understand that there is NOTHING wrong with you, but rather society has some strange problems with allowing people to be who they are, then you're going to have an easier time with this.

Monitor your wife's tolerance level. When you think you can talk to her more about this, share some more of yourself with her. Educate her about yourself and what cding is to you. Let her know you're not diseased, but rather a beautiful person - someone to be admired, respected and loved. Someone WORTHY of being admired, respected and loved.

It took me many years to come out to my own wife, and when I finally did, I did it over the course of a year - in little stages. Everyone comes out differently, and the reaction can differ greatly from one to the next. More often than not, it is a gradual process of letting your wife know her man has not and will not go away, and that his feminine side is not something to hide, but rather something to be shared and enjoyed.

Check that bottom link in my sig to read about how I came out to my own wife. It's a rather unique story, and differs from your own, I'm certain. But you may find a little inspiration for your own future in there. You can make this work if you're willing to be patient, give it your all, AND remember that you're not the only one going through this. Your wife has her own emotions and feelings about this to deal with as well. Never forget that.

Good luck Sadie.

[boardpuppy]

Hi Sadie,
From one girl who has pushed the boundries to another. Don't push let things go at her slow pace. You'll know soon enough if everything is going down hill or not. I'm lucky, an SO who loves me and still doesn't understand. That's OK, the SO's outer shell is slowly cracking. In my case I have big hopes. In your case, always talk and be there whenever she wants or needs her man.

Hugs,
Alice

[switcheralso]

Sounds like my parameters. She knows but is only interested in seeing me when she has had a few drinks.

[Sheila]

Sadie, can I ask how long your wife has known?

[charlie]

Save yourself some real grief! Listen to Mollyanne!

[sadie67]

thanks girls for all the support you are giving me at the mo can i say in response to sheila's question -Sadie, can I ask how long your wife has known? shes known for about 2 years she busted me just after we got married since then its been the old cycle of binge & purge but things came to a head this last couple of weeks when she busted me again & fond somethng that should have gone to the charity shops
what also came out in the conversation was that heather was upset by all the lies that have been going since the end of last year

[Tracy46]

Sadie once my wife found out she had a lot of questions like was I gay or did I want to have a relationship with men as well her.. After I explained what I was doing and the reasons why she understood and helped in shopping and trying on clothing.. But just like you I dress when she is not around just to keep the peace. But honesty is the best policy and if she really loves you she will accept it.

[gennee]

[SIZE="3"]When I told my wife, she was shocked to say the least. I didn't push the issue because it was a lot for her to digest. She asked questions from time to time. She accepted it as a part of my life. We even share skirts, sweaters, blouses, and camis. She doesn't want to be seen with me when I'm dressed outside the house. I would love for us to go out to lunch as Gennee. I am thankful for the freedom I do have.

Gennee[/SIZE]

[Elizabeth2-]

Kisses and hugs for your truthfulness.

Kolokea is right. The hidden truth and the pressures of it will only make a future explosion.

Do not rub it in her face, but introduce what you can as it happens naturally.

At least, she knows that you are attempting to operate in the truth. That is a huge basis to operate on.

Liz

[Emily01]

[SIZE=3]good work i think. it's out in the open and she is making accommodations and setting some boundaries. that said imho i think the boundaries ought to be negotiable rather than dictated but her's seem reasonable at first blush.

over time, with you showing up as a husband and father and meeting all of your familial responsibilities, she may come to understand that your needs are not a threat.

hopefully this is a good starting point where you can fulfill your needs and still meet your obligations to those who depend upon you.

the very best of luck to you!![/SIZE]

[anna kate]

Sadie, We were married 25 years, before I told my wife (always was a late bloomer). This year will be our 43rd anniversary. Because I didn't do as all the above told you, I almost didn't make 26 years. She still won't go out with me dressed. One of her requirements, is that I do not go out shopping alone. This is for safety and her piece of mind, so I have a couple nieces that know, (that's another story) go shopping with me. The only place I go alone, is to support group meetings. (she won't go to them either) Things do get better as we go along, just go easy by easy. I recommend that you don't purge your wardrobe frequently, that is quite expensive. Talk to her and come to an agreement, as to where you can store your things. Women don't like to waste money, so she might just be receptive... Don't know if this helps you, but reading your blog struck close to home for me , so I just had to add my two cents. Anna Kate

[JoAnne Wheeler]

WELCOME to my world and the world of so many of us - you are not alone

JoAnne Wheeler

[Di]

Sadie you said she was upset by all the lies that have been going since the end of last year. That is the biggest thing I hear is the lies and betrayal that is the most upsetting part.
I gather you took it underground after the first time and now she feels it all over again. It is your decision of course...you know her I do not but my pov is you should try to expain...it's a part of you...it has been your entire life and something you have yo do and you feel guilt keeping it from her but you love her and do not want to lose her it would be better if she understood it....maybe have her join the gg forum ...we can help her see it's normal and really not that big of deal. That way no more lies...and you can work out something ...even if it's she knows but doesn't want to see......just whatever works for you both,
PS remind her you are still the same person she has loved and known....nothing has changed except she knows.

[Sheila]

thanks girls for all the support you are giving me at the mo can i say in response to sheila's question -Sadie, can I ask how long your wife has known? shes known for about 2 years she busted me just after we got married since then its been the old cycle of binge & purge but things came to a head this last couple of weeks when she busted me again & fond somethng that should have gone to the charity shops
what also came out in the conversation was that heather was upset by all the lies that have been going since the end of last year

Yup sweetie the lies do it everytime ....... any way you can get here to come here and read any of the GG's input & of course some of the more balanced CDR's input ..... keep her away from Debs's post or she might get the idea this is fun

[Jenniferpl]

You have gotton some great advice. From my experience, take it slow. Stay within the boundries she has given you. I have made some promises to my wife and I have never broken them. What I got in return is supportive wife.

Sounds like you will need to rebuild her trust on this issue.

[sadie67]

thanks again girls

trouble is i got busted on saturday as i was writting this post & then again on tuesday my wife found a pair of boots i bought on friday

seems i mend one bridge only to go & tear two of them down must be really stupid thinking i wouldn't get busted twice in as many weeks

[Missy Tanya]

I agree with most, stay in the boundaries. As time passes, hopefully you both can move forward. If she loved you as a man, why not love you as a man in a dress. You didn't tell her you wanted to become a woman, just pretend to be one. My wife loves the both of us, and supports both. Since I like too dress, ride motorcycles, fish, hunt, and camp, she dose too. She has her special like and I do them also. Marriage is a relationship of two good friends. If not, it not going to work, no matter how hard you try. I tried before and didn't work.

Im one of the lucky ones that my Wife support Tanya ,and the other me in all my quirky likes. Its one has been one of the best for both of us. Lets hope it last another 20 years...

Missy Tanya