Dilemma...

[thegeneralpublic]

I am pretty new here, but I would like some advice on how to deal with part of my life.

I'm at a point where I would like to be public about my crossdressing. I am not talking about trying to pass (yet...), but I mean small things like wearing jeans or tshirts that I find more comfortable (maybe even a long skirt after I build up the strength for it). The majority of my friends are already aware that I'm a crossdresser and either support me or just don't care either way. My parents are, naturally, against this choice. I have been tempted to tell them simply "It's my choice, not yours, so please don't interfere." However, I am still wondering if this is something I need to heed them on by virtue of the fact that I'm still living under their roof and they're helping me go to college. Further complicating the matter is that I'm sure I'd regret at least not doing this now when I am older.

I guess it boils down to: should I heed my parents, or should I make this choice for myself?

[MissConstrued]

I guess it boils down to: should I heed my parents, or should I make this choice for myself?

Heed your parents? That's crazy talk!

Oh, and if you're asking us, you're kinda not making the choice for yourself, are you?

[Karren H]

Its your life!! Live it as you see fit!!! Well all except the jeans part.... Be a man and go get a decent skirt or dress!! Lol.

[thegeneralpublic]

Heed your parents? That's crazy talk!

Oh, and if you're asking us, you're kinda not making the choice for yourself, are you?

...stop ruining my carefully worded posts with your logic! :P

Perhaps not, but any advice is still well appreciated.

EDIT:

Its your life!! Live it as you see fit!!! Well all except the jeans part.... Be a man and go get a decent skirt or dress!! Lol.

I'm working up to it! And as much as I love skirts, sometimes its just more practical to wear jeans.

[rlars1]

I would be careful about how you go about going out. I would definitely take into consideration your parents concerns. Ultimately you have to make the decision. Do remember that as long as you live with your parents it does effect more than just you. I am trying so hard to sound preachy. You can do it.

[MartineXdrs2]

Do as you see fit,,, I've lived a pretty much screwed up life for more than 40 years because of my parents...

You must do what feels right for you...your parents will come around, or not,,,

Martine

[Nena]

If your friends know about your CDing, would it be possible to elicit their help? In other words, could you dress at their place and go out. Your parents do not necessarily have to know about your choice.

Nena GG

[Tina B.]

If you are ready to move out on your own, and pay your own way, then be your own man/woman. If not I guess you better see how your parents feel about you living in their home, taking their support and not caring about how they feel!
Funny how we don't live on an island where we only have to think about ourselves isn't it!
Tina

[Hope]

The parental gravy train can be a hard thing to give up... I do understand.

I also regret, perhaps most of all, allowing my parents (my mother in particular) to dictate to me the terms of my life for as long as I did - just because they were the ones with the Benjamins.

At some point, you need to decide who is in control of your life, and how much $$$ that control is worth to you. I would suggest that you not squander your youth, but you of course must make your own decision.

Quite honestly, the day you turned 18, your parents stopped getting a vote about who you dated, about who you hung out with, about what you wore. Unless that is, you allowed them to continue to tell you what to do. A BIG part of adolescence - perhaps THE task of adolescence (and why parents hate it so much) is separating yourself from parental control, and finding - nay - creating your own separate identity. It sounds to me like maybe you have yet to complete that task. It sounds to me like you are still playing out the parent / child roles you have known all of your life and have not yet established a new parent / adult role. I'm not suggesting that is easy or fun - just necessary.

I would suggest you do a couple of things - the first of which is move out of your childhood room - and even out of the Mike Sever apartment over the garage, or in the basement, or where-ever. Move out of your parents place. Move on campus, move into a crummy apartment near campus, split a house in the student ghetto 5 ways with your friends (never move into roommate situation with your friends - you have been warned) whatever - but get the bloody hell out of your parents house. If for not other reason - they will HATE not knowing where you are at 11pm. And you will love it. A little taste of freedom is there for you my friend... once you take a hit of that - you will be back for more. Expect your parents to throw up all sorts of road blocks. Show them the finger between ring-man and pointer. If for no other reason, no self respecting GG has ever dated a guy who still lives with mommie, and no hot chick (self respecting or otherwise) has ever dated a guy who lives with mommie. Ask around.

You will need an alternative source of funding, because one of the road blocks your parents are going to throw up is cutting off the cash. It's cool, because they are not actually going to do that. We will get to that in a bit.

That means you will need a job. Also - you will need financial aid. Take out loans if you have to.

Do it. Go to the financial aid office TOMORROW. Tell them your parents are kicking you out - whatever - get the $$$ you need. If you don't have a job, get one. If you have a job, see about taking on a few extra shifts until your porn web site (or whatever) is up and running.

Once you have secured funding, start looking for an apartment - and inform your parents that you are moving out. Have a date in mind. Expect your mother to cry. She is just manipulating you. Like she has been doing for the last 20 years. You will feel the need to comfort her, and by all means do that, but don't change your plans.

Once you find a place, plan a moving date. Take your parents out to see your new apartment. It will be a complete hole. Your mom will be nervous, your dad will tell you all about how you can't afford it. Come up with some BS budget to show him how responsible you are. It doesn't matter what is on the budget, or if it even works, he is right, you are going to run out of money. Don't admit to this.

If your dad is a hard liner, he will try to pull the whole "well you can move out, but your not taking any furniture with you!" Calmly and cooly tell him, "Yeah - I don't need your permission to move out old man - and if you don't want me around, then I don't need any of your furniture! I can get a used mattress from (insert name of local disreputable drug dealer) for $50, a desk from good-will, and my roommate snake already has plates and spoons and stuff." Your mother will make your father move your childhood bed and furniture into your new apartment himself before she lets you sleep on a god-knows-what-stained mattress you got from your disreputable dealer. Even if your mom backs up your dad, make sure you bring a sleeping bag, your macbook, and your dignity and enjoy living in a time of your life where everything you own fits into your backpack, or into your car. It might sound miserable - but you may never know that sort of freedom ever again. Relish it. Seriously, it is a good time to be alive.

Ok, so moving day comes and goes, and you are spending the first night alone in your apartment. Except you won't be alone, because you have a roommate. You are going to feel sort of depressed and bummed because you just know that your mom has made your favorite dinner, and you want to go home so much. Don't do it. That is what they want. What you need to do to distract yourself from your very unflattering self-pity is to throw a full on raging kegger. Lock up the macbook - and invite friends. Take pictures and remember to post them on line. You didn't want to run for congress after all did you?

Now, in a month or so - you will run out of cash, because you have been buying beer, or the price of Ramen has gone up to $.25 a package, or you just never had enough cash in the first place. Don't worry. Call up your mom. "Yeah - they are going to turn off our water next week, but it's cool - we are just going to collect rainwater and live like native people! My friend Starchild, who spent a semester living with the awamombo tribe in Brazil says it's totally easy to do and totally safe if you make sure to boil everything properly and filter out the lead..." Sound as excited about whatever fantasy solution you have come up with. Your mom will have a check to your landlord in half an hour.

But don't think that is the only leverage you have.

The real leverage you have is yourself. Your parents might not realize it yet, but they don't actually have leverage over you by with holding $$$. You see, the way that equation works is:

You live with us, and do what we tell you, and be our little boy, and in turn we pay for stuff.

The nuclear option is not that they stop paying for stuff (no matter what they tell you). You can always get a job and make more money - but you are the only one they have of you. The nuclear option is that you stop seeing them, and being their little boy. They have a lot invested in you, and they are not about to walk away from that investment.

But you have to call their bluff.

You have to move out into your own place - and you have to drastically reduce your contact with them until they are willing to have a Parent / adult relationship with you. If they give you a bunch of grief - Stop showing up for "hamburger fridays" or skip Thanksgiving this year. They will get the message.

"You don't want to help me with college? You don't want to support me doing the things that make me happy? That is cool. That is your choice. But I will be hanging out with the people who do."

And they are not going to cut off the $$$ for college either. You know why? Because they would MUCH rather have a son who is a cross-dressing college graduate with a good job and a comfortable salary, than they do a cross-dressing son who has to drop out of college because he can't afford it, has a crummy job, and plans on putting his parents in the cheapest retirement home he can find.

Don't be fooled - when you move out of your parents posh suburban home with 5.1 surround sound and a 52" plasma TV - your standard of living will go down. But your quality of life will go WAY up. If for no other reason, you can stash your skirts and dresses in your closet, you can leave your makeup caboodle out in the bathroom as long as you want, you can leave your breast forms around and the only ones who are going to give you grief for it is your friends - and if they are really your friends - they won't be giving you grief... a good natured ribbing perhaps, but certainly not grief.

[Kelsy]

Finding a Place of your own is the best way to find the freedom you need!
It will in the end help preserve and even strengthen your relationship with your parents. You will be free to be you!! everybody wins!

Kelsy

[deja true]

Geez Louise! I'd think Hope had videoed my entire life from age 17 to age 22 except that video cameras weren't around when I was that age! And she's right! It was the best time of my life despite being broke most of the time. Even the job at Steak & Shake was fun (for a while..but they did make me cut my hair!).

But from that first motorcycle to that cheapo trip to Goa to the Senior class sorority chick that seduced me in her Audi, I'll never forget any of it. It was the life experience that made me the adventurous, compassionate, successful senior civil servant that I am today. And it affected my top secret security clearance and 800+ credit rating not at all!

I guess what she's saying, in the kindest way possible, is "Get a Life", hun! Don't blow off your 'rents totally, 'cos, if you know they love you, they always will and they'll always be there for back-up just in case. But you do have to start pulling your own strings eventually. Now's as good a time as any...

[JoAnne Wheeler]

The "dilemma" will continue for you until you can get out on your own and

are not dependent on your parents - I think that your attitude and

acceptance are really wonderful - is this a sign of the "younger" generation's

tolerance/acceptance - I know that my generation (old folks) are not

tolerant or very accepting

JoAnne Wheeler

[thegeneralpublic]

Thank you everyone for the advice. I might have made it ambiguous, but I am actually still a senior in high school (won't be in college until August/September), so moving out isn't a realistic option yet. I also do have a job already (stocking shelves woo). I know when I get to college I will be living on campus and be located many hours (though still within driving distance :-\) from home. Thank everyone still. This has helped a lot.

[Ralph]

I guess it boils down to: should I heed my parents, or should I make this choice for myself?

I'll tell you what we told our teenagers: As long as you live in our house and eat our food for free, you follow our rules no matter how stupid you may think they are.

Think of it as motivation to get yourself to the point where you can get a place of your own. I realize circumstances may make that impossible for now, but this too shall pass.

I can't say I agree entirely with Hope's advice, apart from the idea of having more freedom when you're responsible for your own living conditions. Hope, it sounds like you had a pretty strained relationship with your parents; I'm hearing a lot of hostility in the hypothetical conversations you describe.

Say the parents aren't comfortable about crossdressing and prefer you not do it under their noses. We've had the same conversation about spouses who set limits - is it any different when the relationship is parent-child? Actually, it is different - you talk like they should treat the child as a peer, adult-to-adult, but as long as my child is dependent on me to pay the rent, buy groceries, apply to colleges, get a driver's license, etc. then that person is not my peer. He or she is my dependent, and that changes the nature of the relationship.

I love my son very much, but if he confronted me about the things he doesn't like in my house and threatened to move out I'd still help him pack. Sure, he can take any furniture we don't need ourselves but we don't have the money to pay his rent and ours at the same time, so he's not going to guilt me into doing that for him. Any college expenses he doesn't cover with scholarships he will have to work for - and that's true whether he lives with us and abides the rules or lives on his own.

Your "{insert name of local drug dealer}" tactic sounds very much like gaining leverage by lying, at best, and more seriously like the kind of manipulative emotional blackmail that turns people into sociopaths. You want child to call parents' bluff? No, I'd call his bluff. "Go for it! Make sure he wipes off all the cocaine before you load the desk into your car... oops, you don't have a car... onto your skateboard, so you won't spend any more time in jail than you absolutely have to."

I make my son abide by my rules not because I'm a jerk (despite what he says), not because I'm a control freak (despite what he says), but because this is my house and I like things set up for my convenience and happiness, and anyone who's not financially contributing to the way the house is run can like it or lump it. If/when he takes on more responsibility, either financial or otherwise, we can renegotiate how much say he has in curfews, the color of his walls, and how much leftover pizza he has to leave me.

Don't do anything that would burn bridges on your relationship with your parents. You may be like my son, who believes that as soon as he goes off to college he's never going to see us again as long as he lives, but you'll regret it. Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow, but soon... and for the rest of your life.

Here's looking at you, kid.

[thegeneralpublic]

You make a great point Ralph, and that was the basis of my concerns. I personally didn't think it was much of an unreasonable request, and I'd like to think that I am in control of what I wear. However, if that does fall under the category of things my parents are allowed to control about my life while I live with them, do I have any other options?

[SueanneW]

I agree completely with Ralph. My house my rules. That is the way we did it for our teenagers. When you get to college are you going to pay your own tuition, room & board? It could be as much as $ 40K/year. What ever you do Don't burn any bridges behind yourself. You have received a lot of advice here. I hope you will use some of it. Good Luck ! Sueanne

[thegeneralpublic]

I agree completely with Ralph. My house my rules. That is the way we did it for our teenagers. When you get to college are you going to pay your own tuition, room & board? It could be as much as $ 40K/year. What ever you do Don't burn any bridges behind yourself. You have received a lot of advice here. I hope you will use some of it. Good Luck ! Sueanne

I wish that this weren't the case for me, but even with scholarship money the total will be around 20 grand per year. I just wish there were some way to assert my independence without completely burning that bridge.

[luvSophia]

I am, admittedly, somewhat old fashioned as far as parenting goes, but I think that kids should respect their parents and their wishes (house rules). There'll be plenty of time after you move out (like the rest of your life) to assert your independence and be your own person. That being said, I also feel that kids need some opportunity to grow into their own personality.

As far as wearing something you find more "comfortable", I wear women's jeans and tops regularly. If the rest of your demeanor presents itself as a guy no one but yourself is likely to notice.

[SANDRA MICHELLE]

Your 18 and living at home and a senior in High school so give your parents what they want and when you go off to college be who you want to be. Out of sight out of mind and you can dress any way you want at college, oh how I wish I could go back to those lost days. It is a small price to pay, and you will be off to college soon enough so hold off at home and give the parents a break. Show them this sight, maybe they could use some education on crossdressing.

[thegeneralpublic]

Thanks for the advice, everyone. I think I'll probably just stick it out for a few months until I'm into college. Hopefully won't be too long...

[sandybanks]

I am not in a position to give advice, but I give what my mother taught me, big love.

[SuzanneS]

Hope, that is the most awesome post I have read in a long time on the 'net. Excellent advice from you and everyone else, and I agree....thegeneralrepublic, you gotta be who you want to be, don't let anybody tell you to be anything else, but if you are going to do that, you're gonna have to plow your own road and make your own way, so your going to have to make some hard decisions on how you make and spend your money, but definitely get an education...okay? Okay.

Suzanne