recently, I started thinking about my life, and my plans for the future, and it scared me a lot. I realized that as soon as my GF and I start living together, I will no longer be able to be BellaDonna. I know I had said that I would do anything for her, but I don't want to lose her either. I love her with all my heart, but when I told her the truth, she just embarrassed me in front of my mother (on my birthday).

part of the problem I am faced with is that she and my mother are both 49 years of age, and are great friends. I am afraid that if I am caught by her again, I will never be treated the same by my family again.

I love being just like Hannah & Miley. it's truly made me feel beautiful. plus, it's the only way I can cope with her being so far away.

anyways, I am starting to feel divided. part of the problem is that we've been apart from each other since 12/22/08, and we've still got at least 4 more weeks apart before we reunite. after that, I have to wait until she finds work. I feel 100% truly committed to her until she dies, but I have my doubts about her.

I have already invested 18 months building a future with her at the forefront of my every major step, but I'm confused and scared about it. I don't want to give up Bella, but how can I if she wants to leave me? I've grown to love her, but I've also grown to love belladonna too. what can I do?