What I got from Crossdressing!

[AKAMichelle]

I started crossdressing when I was 5 years old. I hardly knew much about right and wrong. I knew even less about crossdressing. I grew up pre-internet which definitely limited my information about crossdressing. I went through the normal periods of guilt, purging, and feeling different.

In 2006 something very bad happened to me. I have owned my own business since the early 80's. I know that makes me pretty old, but that's life. In 2006 I lost most of what I had worked for so many years. In one 24 hour period I was wiped out. I was depressed, suicidal, and generally felt like I had done 14 rounds with Ali and this was the final round coming up. I struggled for 2 years feeling terrible inside. I felt like a complete failure. I was depressed and couldn’t beat it.

Then last year I told my wife about my crossdressing. That was the hardest thing to do. Needless to say it didn't go well. We separated for the 8th time several months later. She blames the crossdressing on the separation, but it was only 10% of the problem. She couldn't see the other 90% as anything wrong.

So this is where it gets interesting. A year ago now she moved out and I finally worked up the courage to come out of the closet. I joined Tri-Ess here in Denver. Had a makeover with Phyllis and then went to eat dinner at a restaurant near my house with another crossdresser. That's when it happened. I found my backbone and started snapping out of my 2 year depression. I continued to work up the courage to go places and over time, I was able to go almost anywhere that I wanted to go. See I realized that if I can walk out that door dressed, then I can do anything. I had found my way by simply accepting myself!

Since then I have been out of the house probably 100 times. I have eaten dinner in Vail, Co dressed. I have taken a long drive in Colorado to see the Aspen Tree color change. I have gone to a casino with another crossdresser. I have seen a lot of good movies and bad ones. I have done almost all of my grocery shopping as Michelle. I have regained half of my business because I am no longer scared to fail. I learned that the courage necessary to walk out the door dressed was the same courage needed for me to recover my business.

I received a very badly needed benefit. Has one else ever found their way in life after coming to terms with their crossdressing?

[trannie T]

Congratulations Michelle! You lost your wife, you lost much of your business but you did not lose hope. All of us go through difficulties from time to time, how we recover depends to a great degree on our own attitude.

[LisaM]

Congratulations!!!

I am trying to let myself out too. So far it has lessened my depression and allowed me to do other things in my life. Accepting oneself is truly a gift.

[Angie G]

Can't say I've found my way but it makes life easier.
Angie

[Holly]

Michelle, not only have you found yourself again, by telling your story you are helping countless others as well. Most, if not all, the difficulties we as transgendered persons face stem from a lack of self acceptance and acknowledgement that there is a huge part of ourselves that is supressed. That is just plain unhealthy, as you found out. Congrarulations on re-finding your way. You're a class act, lady!

[sandra-leigh]

Several years ago, I pretty much collapsed from stress that pushed me over into Depression (which apparently had been lurking in the wings waiting but my body had been accomedating it until then.) To clarify for a second: the kind of Depression I am referring to is sometimes called "Clinical Depression", in which you aren't just "unhappy" or "in a bad mood": we're talking brain chemistry imbalances that can have some very harsh side effects that can make routine things nearly impossible to do.

Somewhere around 20 months after the primary crisis (about 7 months into treatment), I discovered cross-dressing: it had been creeping up on me for years, me "trying things on to see what they look like", but suddenly one day I had the revelation that I could actually wear the clothes, not just try them on. Wear in public -- for me, going out Dressed was an integral part of the revelation that I wanted to crossdress.

Well, I can't say that it has solved all my problems, but for a long period, cross-dressing was one of the two things I could do that could really clear my head and make me feel good: I might be having a bad day where getting out the door to go to the corner store was a major effort, but I could plan where I wanted to go out dressed, could plan what I was going to wear, could get the initiative to put on makeup... the actual step outside the door was still a bit hard (not because of the cross-dressing, it was an effect of the Depression) and sometimes as soon as I got where I was going I would feel like I'd made a mistake and would want to leave immediately (another effect of the Depression), but if I stayed then a little later I would suddenly realize that I was thinking clearly and having a good time.

Anyone reading this who hasn't suffered from a serious Depression... no insult intended at all, but until you've Been There, Done That, Got The Suicidal Urges, I don't think it is possible for you to truly understand the importance of this next bit, whereas people with Depression will probably "get it" immediately:

The clarity of thought and the simple "Life is okay!" pleasure that I found in cross-dressing in those times, gave me back my Hope: my Hope that life really could change, that with some patience, I would feel better overall, that I was not doomed to a life of every day being a major struggle.

[Karren H]

That is truley awesome!! I mean it!! Amazing..

And I agree.. Having the courage to go out enfemme builds courage no mater what your wearing!! This may sound really strange but forever I have never been able to use the urinals in a public restroom if someone else is there.. Was like too embarased.. But over the last 5 years since I've been going out enfemme I don't have that problem anymore.. Not even on thes same order of magnitude as yours and a bit weirdish I admit but when you have to go real bad, it makes all the difference! Lol.

[Jessica Who]

Wow, that's wonderful that things are going well for you again. It's really good to hear, and thank you very much for sharing your story.

[Lorileah]

Now I know that the sky will clear someday and I am not alone. For years, I like most here believed that I was the only one. As my stress and depression grew, so did my female side. A safe harbor as such. Dressing, and being with all you here, has eased much pain over the last few months. I know our friends and loved ones don't get that but we do. We have a great support group here

[Miranda09]

That's a great story Michelle. Thanks for sharing it.

[Sally2005]

For me not accepting myself was a stress in my life. I did end up clinically depressed a few years ago as the result of many stresses in my life which had built up over time. Having time to myself and medication helped me gain back some of the enjoyment in my life, although at first it was a foggy kind of existance and after seeing what could have been the 'end' of life, I decided I really needed to investigate my CDing...maybe it was a midlife crisis...but what I discovered is that I enjoy CDing and through the whole exercise I have accepted it as part of who I am and I have the courage to talk about it now without feeling shame of guilt. It is no real secret, but at the same time I don't volunteer info to anyone else for practical reasons. Now I still have issues in my life, but they don't seem to bother me anymore.

[AKAMichelle]

Michelle, not only have you found yourself again, by telling your story you are helping countless others as well. Most, if not all, the difficulties we as transgendered persons face stem from a lack of self acceptance and acknowledgement that there is a huge part of ourselves that is supressed. That is just plain unhealthy, as you found out. Congrarulations on re-finding your way. You're a class act, lady!

That was the main reason for writing this post. All too often we are told of the negatives to crossdressing, but none of the positive. I have never seen anything positive about crossdressing until this happened. That came from society's and my wife's views on everything. But when I started going out, I found something that I never would have imagined. Fear slowly left me. I found myself again and quit letting everyone tell me that I couldn't do something. Once you walk out the door dressed, you know that you can do anything. It is so scary! The fear was causing me to have self-esteem issues. This was something that I never learned how to deal with. I have been an entrepreneur for most of my life. I built my business up from scratch, but I couldn't deal with the fear and guilt of crossdressing.

I use to work for Kemmons Wilson (Founder of Holiday Inn). Everyone at the company made a big deal about talking with him. I was 19 at the time and I never cared. I told everyone that he put on his pants the same way I did. That's how I grew up. Crossdressing was the exception to the rule. I felt guilt, fear and a thousand other negative feelings. Not anymore. I now accept myself!

[<3 Keri Lynn <3]

I just want to say, Michelle reached out to me recently since we live nearby and it helped me think a lot about my self. I wouldn't say I was totally accepting of myself until maybe 2 months ago and just in the past week even more so since meeting Michelle in person so I thank you again!


*Hugs*Kisses*

[sterling12]

Bravo, Michelle and Tess!

You all have pointed out one of the prime reasons that this forum is so popular, and why it works. We used to be an "isolated" society, now we have something like this Forum where we get an opportunity to learn about the good, the bad, the mundane, and sometimes just the humor of our special gift.

I really like this "positive" information. Maybe we should devote more time to such things? (That's a hint for all of us.)

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Deedee Dupree]

I like this too very much...

[Dressing Jill]

Really great story how cross dressing saved your life. My nails are wet and it is hard to type sorry for the slow typing.

I am crying so overwhelmed with the testimony of you all. Like many of you I also thought I was alone like this.

Hugs

Jill

[wishfulcd]

Fantastic Story !!!

I know that accepting myself as a crossdresser, and letting my SO know about it, has made it easier to deal with a multitude of other issues, because knowing that you can overcome such a personal and intimate obstacle, makes other problems in your life seem so much less challenging. Thanks for the upbeat post.

[sandra-leigh]

All too often we are told of the negatives to crossdressing, but none of the positive.

I was talking the other week to one of the founders of our local social club (12 years ago), in which I was commenting that in the time since I started cross-dressing (4 1/2 years ago, and I went public within days of starting), that I talked to people a lot more, that I was more "open" and that people were a lot more "open" with me -- that, as odd as it may sound, publicly cross-dressing and being open about the fact that I cross-dress, has helped substantially becoming more integrated into society as a whole. What happened with me was exactly the opposite from what we often hear the moral situation is: instead of being shunned and marginalized and called names and so on, I am finding myself accepted in society by a wide variety of people who didn't have time for me before.

The response from the club founder was, Yes, the same thing has happened to a fair number of our members over the years, that cross-dressing has opened them up socially (and not just in cross-dressing circles), that many members have changed from "closed and withdrawn" to being more communicative and extroverted.


Now, this doesn't happen to everyone: I can, for example, think of one of our club members in particular for whom (more than a decade later) every day is a battle (with herself, or with the world) -- on the other hand, I'm told that she used to be much much worse -- a relative miracle if not an absolute one in her case.


Of course, one has to have an idea of what local circumstances are like before taking that step out the door. The city I'm in turned out to be quite accepting; from reading the stories of other posters, I gather that quite a few of the members have been pleasantly surprised at how accepted they were in places where they once feared to even hint at cross-dressing. But Bad Things still happen, so be cautious, of course!

[PretzelGirl]

Really great story how cross dressing saved your life. My nails are wet and it is hard to type sorry for the slow typing.

Its okay. We'll just read slow to compensate.